The Idiot's Guide to World Regeneration
by The Minamotos
Summary: Because it's not as easy as it looks. Chapter Thirty Seven: cute and insightful scenes will be forgotten, perverts will be squased, and the laws of physics will be broken.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know, I know; not another ToS parody. Let me just say that this one is different. I won't be making fun of the plotholes or giving everyone crack titles or making fun of certain characters simply because I hate them. Hell, I make fun of everybody. You could call this story a novelization, if it weren't completely ridiculous.

I have no intention of insulting you or your mother. Enjoy!

--

**The Idiot's Guide to World Regeneration**

**By Mandi Minamoto**

1_Once upon a time, there was this big-ass tree that was the source of all mana._ _But then it died, and a heroic hero sacrificed his life to take its place. For some reason that seemed to work with everyone. But then the Goddess got all bitchy and flew up unto the heavens. "Catch me if you can!" she called to the angels, who decided to get the Chosen to do it for them. The Chosen One trudged up this huge tower that reached unto the heavens._

_And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world._

**Chapter One**

"Lloyd Irving, wake up!" a shriek tore it's way through the innocent little village of Iselia. The poor townspeople cowered in it's wake, clutching at their tainted ears. What was the source of this terrible noise? Some new, vicious form of monster, come to reign terror upon the innocent village?

Nah, it was just Professor Sage.

"God dammit, Lloyd!" she shrieked again. Unfortunately, the voice that was making her student's ears bleed seemed unheard by the sleeping teen in the back row. How did he manage to sleep standing, anyway? And with two full buckets of water in his hands, as well.

Exasperated, Professor Sage tried a new tactic. She reached for the nearest object - a chalkboard eraser, as it happened - and threw it at his forehead. Hard. Miraculously, the brown-haired youth slept on. Professor Sage tried throwing various other objects, including pencils, books, a bowling ball, and her little brother Genis. Then, as she lifted his now-empty desk over her enraged head, Lloyd Irving snapped awake.

"Oh, Professor Sage," he said, seemingly undisturbed by the fact that his teacher was towering over him with a desk held above her head. "Eh, is class over?"

Professor Sage groaned. She seemed to deflate to the size and temper of a normal teacher, and placed her terrified brother back in his seat before turning back to the front of the classroom.

"Ugh, never mind. Let's have someone else answer the question," she cast her gaze around the room. To his horror, the Professor's eyes landed on Genis, who squeaked in terror and tried to hide behind his books. "Genis, how about you?"

"Y-y-y-yes, dearest sister Raine," he stammered. He tried standing up, but his poor legs had been reduced to jelly, and he fell to the floor in a quivering blue and white heap. He called up from there instead;

"Mithos, the hero, brought an end to the ancient war in the holy ground of Kharlan,"

"Very good," Raine said, tossing her little brother a cookie. "Then Mithos the hero made a pact with the Goddess Martel, who sealed away the Desians whom caused the war."

"But Professor Saaaaage," Lloyd whined from the back of the room. Every student turned their terrified eyes to the Professor. Before she could cause anyone physical pain, however, Lloyd continued. "Now the Desians are back and are causing everyone to suffer!"

"Shut up Lloyd," said Raine. "We covered that last time, remember? I know it's a major important theme and all, but I only decided to teach you about it last week. When the Summon Spirit's seals weaken, the Desians reappear,"

"Oh, yeah," Lloyd shrugged. "Say, what class is this, anyway? What the hell are we learning about?"

Raine ignored his last comment and continued her lecture. "Now, Chosen one, Colette," she addressed a silly little girl in the third row with the IQ of a brick. A pretty brick.

"Yes ma'am?" brick girl answered cheerfully.

"Tell us about the journey of world Regeneration,"

"It's a journey to seal the Desians," said Colette happily. "When the summon spirits wake up, the Goddess awakens and mana is restored." She cocked her head thoughtfully. "And that has something to do with the Desians. I guess. What a...mess..." The girl clapped her hands to her mouth and giggled insanely. "Look! I'm a poet, and I didn't know it!"

"Er, yeah," Professor Raine spoke over the crazy little Chosen's squeals. "The Desians use all sorts of crazy mana in their ranch. This sucks for us, because lack of mana is the cause of recent food shortages and drought."

As Raine continued her lecture, Colette's mind traveled quickly from cookies to butterflies to Lloyd's gravity-defying hair. She turned to look at him, and he caught her gaze and grinned. She would have smiled back, but her mind had finally settled on pretty flowers. So, she turned around and sat back in her seat, leaving Lloyd slightly confused.

"Now, for the next question," Raine called loudly. And for the Professor, loudly was very very very loud. Surprised, Lloyd jumped backwards and knocked his elbow against a switch behind him. Bright lights flooded the room, blinding a poor kid who had glanced at the ceiling at that very moment. In an effort to block out the glaring light, Lloyd raised his hands over his eyes.

Unfortunately, he forgot about the buckets of water he was holding. The buckets flew through the air, drenching half the class and landing on two very unlucky students. Screams quickly erupted throughout the room.

"I'm blind! I'm blind!"

"It's the Apocalypse!"

"I'm drowning! I don't wanna dieeee!"

The students ran from the room using every and all means possible, including running out the door, breaking through the windows, and shooting holes through the walls with Professor Raine's authentic ancient war cannon.

"Hey, that's an authentic ancient war relic!!" Raine hollered, but no one paid her any mind. Soon, the room was empty of everyone save Lloyd - whose eyes were still covered by his hands - Colette - who sat in her seat humming merrily - Genis - whose legs refused to work - and Raine - who was running her hands over the ancient war canon nervously.

"Sorry everybody!" Lloyd said, chuckling as he turned off the very very very bright lights. "I accidentally hit this switch here!" He laughed loudly. Just then, another very very very bright light shone in through the window.

"AAUGH!" Lloyd cried. "It's the Apocalypse! Run for it!" Before he made it out the door, however, Professor Sage grabbed him by his long white scarf.

"Chill out; that's just the light from the magical temple over there, signifying that the Oracle has come to receive Colette, who will now embark on a dangerous and angsty journey of woe and betrayal to save the world."

"Oh, OK," said Lloyd.

"I'd better go check it out," said Raine. "Colette, you stay here, because you are too stupid for these kinds of things. The rest of you, stay here and think,"

After a moment of thinking, however, Lloyd's head began to ache, so he walked to the door.

"Hey, hold on Lloyd!" cried Genis, who suddenly regained use of his legs and leapt in front of his friend. "Raine said not to leave! I don't . . . want to . . . upset . . . Raine . . . " Genis shuddered.

"Aw, c'mon Genis," said Lloyd. "I wanna know what's going on at the temple. We're best friends, right? Don't you wanna come with me?"

"No, I don't'!" Genis huffed. Lloyd glared at him.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Lloyd shouted, waving his hands at his friend's face.

There was a moment of silence.

"Uh, Lloyd . . . ?"

"Er, uh, Hey Colette!" Lloyd turned around to face his clueless friend, who glanced up from her desk. "Wanna come with me and Genis?"

"Uh, OK," said Colette. She walked over to stand beside them. "So, where to?"

"Weren't you listening at all??" Lloyd cried, waving his arms wildly. Colette shook her head.

"Me and Genis are going to the temple!"

"No, we're not!" Genis yelled, but Lloyd ignored him.

"Aren't you curious?" he asked the blonde.

"Uhh, are you curious?" She cocked her head like a confused little puppy.

"Of course!"

"OK, then I'll be curious too!"

Lloyd grinned and turned to Genis. "See? 'Dwarven Vow Numbeh Four: Don't depend on others. Walk on your own two legs'"

Genis groaned. "Lloyd, that doesn't even make sense."

"Whatever. C'mon, let's go!"

And so the happy trio started on their epic quest to the Martel Temple.

--

"Uh, something seems strange," said Lloyd as they stepped into the sunlit street of Iselia. It was quiet. Too quiet.

"It's quiet," said Lloyd. "Too quiet."

"Quiet?" Colette looked thoughtful. "Quiet . . . rhymes with . . . buy it."

"Uhh . . . say, isn't that Frank coming this way?"

Sure enough, Frank walked up to the happy little group.

"Father!" cried Colette, as if she were shocked to see him.

"Frank!" cried Genis, as if he was shocked to see him.

"Yo." Said Frank. "You guys, the Desians attacked a minute ago."

"Omigosh! That's terrible!" Colette clapped her hands over her mouth.

"Yeah, they broke the Non Aggression Treaty and everything . . . it really sucks."

"The Non Aggression Treaty, Frank?" Lloyd repeated. "You mean the treaty that says the Desians won't attack us if we don't attack them, Frank?"

"Uh, yeah, that's kinda the only Non Aggression Treaty there is," said Genis, giving Lloyd an oh-my-goddess-you're-so-stupid-I-can't-believe-I'm-talking-to-you look.

"Don't worry, Daddy, I'll go to the temple now," said Colette.

"OK, I'll stay in the house like the boring old man that I am," with that, Frank turned towards his house. "Try not to die, OK, Colette?"

"OMYGODDESS, FRANK!!" Lloyd suddenly cried. "Is that- do you have- a... a moustache, Frank??"

"Why, yes," said Frank, stroking his moustache with two fingers. Lloyd gaped at him and his moustache.

"I've lost all respect for you, Frank."

Frank started crying, so Lloyd and company hurried away. But then they ran into a monster!!!

"Ohemgee!" said Colette. "It's a scary floating skull with pink eyes! Double-u-tee-eff?"

"C'mon guys, we can take him!" said Lloyd, flexing his muscles impressively.

"But Lloyd, don't forget what the Professor taught us about fighting!"

The floating skull monster floated patiently as Genis and Colette explained how to fight to Lloyd, who was the only one carrying a real weapon anyway. Then they killed the monster.

"w00t! We kick ass!" Lloyd cheered. "Good thing I've got this **exshpere** that's poorly covered up by this big band-aid and that makes me really really strong!"

"Yeah," said Colette.

"Let's just go," said Genis.

So they goed.

--

"So, this is the temple?" asked Lloyd.

"Duh," said Genis. They stood before the temple. Duh. It was up on a really steep hill, so they started up the stairs to the front door.

"Say, it's kinda noisy up there, huh?" said Colette. They all listened carefully to the crashes, roars, and shrieks of agony that were coming from the temple.

"Yeah, I guess so," said Lloyd. Just then, an old guy fell off the cliff overhead and landed right in front of them.

"Hey, it's Pastor Bob!" said Genis. "Hey, dude, are you alright?" Considering that the Pastor was sawed practically in two, that may or may not have been a stupid question.

"The Desians... attacked..." he stammered.

"Yeah, I know that already," said Lloyd rudely. "Let's move on, shall we, old man?" But then Pastor Bob died. "Damn! This sucks!"

So, Lloyd and company continued trudging up the very very steep steps.

--

"Where is the Chosen?" asked a half-elf with pointy hair calmly, as if he hadn't just killed about ten priests whilst laughing maniacally.

The old lady he'd addressed, Phaidra, didn't answer. She was a bit creeped out by the half-elf who had just killed about ten priests whilst laughing maniacally.

The half-elf thought that the old lady was kind of ugly, so he decided to kill her. But, before he could, he was ever-so-rudely interrupted.

"Lord Botta, you idiot," said one of his random underlings. "The Chosen's right behind you. Turn around, stupid,"

"Eh??" Lord Botta turned to see a cute little blonde girl chase a butterfly up the stairs towards him.

"Oh, hello!" she waved energetically. "Hey, Gramma, who's your friend? Ohemgee!" she clapped her hands over her mouth, so that she almost swallowed the butterfly she'd caught. "Is he your boyfriend? Eeeew, old people love!" Botta opened his mouth to correct her, but he was ever-so-rudely interrupted again when two boys followed the blonde chick.

"Lloyd! Lloyd! You should of heard Gramma just describe her intense sex life with this old guy! It was insane!"

"Eeew!" said Lloyd. "Old people sex!"

Botta tried to speak again, but the pair continued talking.

"Yeah, she was totally going into detail, you should've heard her!"

"Ohmigod, ew!"

Botta had a really great speech planned for the moment he was to kill the Chosen, but since the pair seemed to have no intention of shutting up, he decided to just do away with her quickly. He barked an order to his underlings. They unsheathed their weapons and circled the Chosen and her buddies, blocking all means of escape.

At last, Lloyd snapped away from the conversation.

"I won't let you Desians get away with anything!" he growled, pulling out his right sword.

"Desians?" the random underling chuckled evilly. "You think we're Desians?"

"Well..." Lloyd scratched his head, confused. "I did, until you chuckled like that..."

Botta groaned. "You idiot! You'll blow our cover!" he snarled, smacking his underling's helmeted head. There was a loud _clang_! - Botta was sure he'd broken his fingers. "DAMMIT!" he screamed in agony, falling to the ground whilst tenderly sucking his injured digits.

So, the would-be Desians attacked Lloyd and company without their boss, but got their asses kicked.

"Eh... retreat!" hollered one, and the rest followed.

"Woohoo! We rock!" Genis did a little dance. But his happiness was cut short when a really, really, **really** fat guy with a mace stomped before him.

"Do not get in our way!" he thundered. The very earth shook beneath his feet, sending poor little Genis flying.

"Holy shit!" cried Lloyd, who just managed to catch Genis before he went flying off the hill. "This guy's tough!"

"Yeah!" agreed Colette, turning to face Lloyd. Lloyd looked back, and they shared a dramatic moment of angst. Then Genis, who was cowering in Lloyd's arms, screamed. The big fat guy had taken advantage of their drama and swung his mace at them. Lloyd squeezed his eyes shut and held out Genis as a shield, but-

_CLANG_!

All looked up to see a purple clad man, a big ole' steel sword in his hand. The fat guy lay on the ground; apparently knocked over by the amazing force of this guy's right arm.

"Omigod, you saved us!" cried Colette.

"Who are you?" asked Lloyd.

The man gave them a really scary look. Genis started crying. "Get out of the way," he said.

"But we're not in yo-" Lloyd broke off as the man leapt at the fat guy.

The following scene was so graphic, it would be best not to describe. Lloyd sat with his mouth agape, Colette was sick in the corner, and Genis shut up immediately. After several vicious and gory minutes, the man stepped away from the bloodbath. He was met with stunned silence.

"Ehh..." Botta finally spoke up. "Er, I never thought you'd show up..." the purple man gave him a mean look, and the poor half-elf screamed. "EEEE! Retreat! Retreat!"

And they retreated.

"W-woah!" Genis cried. "This guy's incredibly strong!" he jumped for joy.

"Y-yeah... I suppose so..." Lloyd pouted. "But look! He's wearing purple! I mean, what is he, gay?"

"Well, you're right," said Colette. "That _is_ kind of weird..."

"I can hear you, you know," said the man, and all three froze. "Is everyone alright?"

"I'm scarred for life," said Colette.

"My confidence is completely shattered," said Lloyd.

"I'm standing in Colette's puke," said Genis.

The scary guy was saved the trouble of replying by Phaidra, who said: "Thanks for saving the Chosen. You wanna go help her receive the oracle?"

The redhead stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I see, so this girl is the next Chosen..."

"Hey, wait!" Lloyd interjected. "**I** was gonna help Colette!"

"Lloyd...? I would be uneasy with just- sir, are you alright?" She glanced nervously at the scary man, who had gasped and clapped both hands over his mouth.

"Y-y-you're n-name i-is Lloyd??" He stuttered.

"Yeah," said Lloyd. And, because he was eager to regain some pride, he added, "But who are you to ask for my name?"

The scary man stared at him for several minutes, so that Lloyd wondered whether he had something stuck on his face. Finally he turned to Phaidra and said, "My name is Kratos. I'm a really cool mercenary. If you pay me, I'll take care of the Chosen. So fuck off, Lloyd,"

"GRAAAH!" screamed Lloyd.

"GRAAAH?" repeated Genis.

"GRAAAH!" Lloyd repeated.

"Um, Mr. Kratos?" asked Colette innocently, while Lloyd and Genis GRAAAHed. "Can Lloyd come too? I get nervous when he's not around. And when I'm nervous... I EAT!" She reached into her pocket and yoinked out some cheese snacks. Lloyd calmly reached over and snatched the snacks away.

"Oh, thanks Lloyd," Colette sighed. "See, Mr. Kratos?"

"Hrmph," Kratos hrmphed. Everyone took that for a yes.

"C'mon, Genis!" called Lloyd from the front door.

"What? _**I**_ have to go too?" Genis started crying again, but followed anyway.

"This isn't a field trip, you know," grumbled Kratos. Lloyd turned sadly to the rest of his classmates.

"Sorry guys," he shrugged. The class left, grumbling and muttering amongst themselves. "OK, let's GO!"

So they goed.

--

"Wow, so this is the inside of the temple!"

"Um, duh,"

The cool group stood inside of the temple. Duh. It was dark and creepy, and Lloyd was really spooked out. He turned around to give his posse a pep talk, but screamed when he saw Kratos' scary face. Genis heard Lloyd scream, so he screamed too. Colette heard Genis and Lloyd scream, so she started singing. Kratos heard Colette singing, clapped his hands over his ears, and screamed too.

Then they stopped screaming and headed into the depths of the temple. Oooooh!

They came to a glowing and magical-looking gate and Lloyd, being the idiot that he was, stuck out a hand to touch it. Nothing happened. But, they couldn't open the door anyways, which really sucked for them.

"I'll bet the Sorcerer's Ring can open it!" said Colette airily. "It's this super convenient ring that does exactly what you need it to do exactly where you need it to. I think it's somewhere in this temple."

"Wow, how convenient!" said Lloyd. Then he ran away because Kratos was staring at him again, and that creeped him out.

So Lloyd and his posse wandered around some more. After several vicious and terrible battles against stone blocks and big-ass worms, they reached a magical glowing ring that was the size of Kratos' head

"Woah, dude!" cried Lloyd. "Is this the sorcerer's ring?" Without waiting for an answer, the over-excited teen grabbed the giant ring and shoved it onto his finger. For some reason, it fit.

"Hey!" cried Genis. "Why do _you_ get to wear the ring?"

"Because I'm the leader," Lloyd answered smugly.

"Since when? Besides, Colette's the Chosen - shouldn't she be the leader?"

"She's too stupid,"

"What about me, then? I'm smarter than you are,"

"You don't have a cool sword. All you got is some stick with a ball on the end,"

"Then what about Kratos? He's got a sword,"

"Kratos is too scary, and he wears purple,"

And everyone was OK with this.

So, they headed back through the magical sparkly gate - which Lloyd shot with his kick-ass ring - and up the stairs into a really small tower-like room.

"Damn! It's so cramped in here!" Said Genis.

"M'got dff rrght," mumbled Lloyd, who was squashed between the wall and Kratos' hair. Kratos had big hair. Fortunately, at that moment there was a burst of pretty light that filled the room. Unfortunately, no one knew why this was fortunate. Anyways, a cool angel with really cool hair floated down out of nowhere.

"**I am Remiel,**" he said in an oh-I'm-so-cool-just-because-I've-got-cool-hair voice. **"I am an angel of judgement, Colette is the Chosen, we of Cruxis bless this event, blah blah blah**," he waved his hand in a bored sort of fashion.

Just then, outside the window, a really really really really really really really really really really _really_ tall tower fell out of the sky. It landed with a big ole 'thump', then sat in all it's really really really really really really really really really really _really_ tall glory.

Remiel looked down on them all like he was _so_ cool, then broke into song.

"**Go to the desert, where it is really warm**

**and find the seal of fire, and summon up a storm.**

**You'll almost be an angel, which is really cool,**

**and then you'll save the world, and never go to... school,"**

His poetry completed, the angel disappeared in a cloud of feathers. Oh yeah, and Colette got a Cruxis Crystal. But that's not really important.

There was a few moments of silence. Finally Kratos, who hadn't said a word since he hrmphed outside, said:

"Uh, let's get the hell out of here," He grabbed Colette's wrist, cast a nervous glance at Lloyd, and jumped out the window.

"Come to my house lateeeeer!" Colette called as she tumbled after the mercenary.

"So the rumors are true..." said Genis thoughtfully.

"What rumors?" asked Lloyd, who was still kind of creeped out at how Kratos had been watching him this whole time. "That Kratos is a fag?"

"No! That Colette is really the daughter of an angel, and is not related to her current father."

"What? How do you know that angel guy was Colette's dad?"

Genis rolled his eyes. "Did you hear his poetry? It's even worse than Colette's. They must be related." Lloyd nodded. "That makes sense,"

Then, the two buddies jumped out the window after Kratos.

Too bad for them, though, that they didn't have the mercenary's mad jumping skills. They plummeted to their death many feet below, but landed on something soft.

"Thank the Goddess! We're saved!" Genis raised his hands to the heavens.

"Genis? What-are-you-doing-here-why-aren't-you-in-class-and-why-are-you-_on-my-__**head**_???"

Genis screamed at the very top of his lungs and ran for it. A second too late however, Raine's evil hand grabbed his tiny head and yoinked him back.

"Eh, uh, P-Professor Sage," Lloyd stuttered. "W-what a pleasant s-suprise to see you h-h-here!"

"I thought-" Raine smacked Genis. "-I told you-" she put him in a headlock. "-to stay-" she ripped off his right arm. "-in _school_!" she swung her brother's arm at his head like a baseball bat, and the poor little elf landed with a _squash_ right at Lloyd's feet. Using his awesome sneaking away skills, Lloyd tried to sneak away.

"And **you**!" Lloyd stopped in his tracks. Professor Sage grabbed his wrist, lifted him into the air, swung him around her head a few times, and finally tossed his limp body into the temple wall.

"You two'd better get back home, **now**," The bleeding, limbless, semi-conscious boys didn't need telling twice. They skedaddled their asses out of there quicker n' a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of July with a-

Ah, anyways, they ran for home, and then hid under Genis' bed for a few hours. Just in case Raine decided to come home early.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! D On to chapter twooo...

**--**

**Chapter Two**

"Hey, Genis?"

"Yeah, Lloyd?"

"How long have we been hiding under your bed?"

Genis checked his magic elfy-powered watch. "Four hours and twenty-seven minutes,"

"You wanna go to Colette's and make fun of Frank's moustache?"

". . . alright then,"

So the dynamic duo crawled out of Genis' house and started the long and perilous journey through the village square to Colette's house. It actually wasn't really that long, nor was it very perilous. But, they used that as an excuse as to why it had taken them four-plus hours to meet their friend.

"-and so then I cut off the bastard's head, and me and Genis just barely escaped, and that's why we're late," Lloyd concluded to energetic applause from Colette, as well as dull stares from Phaidra, Frank, Kratos, and the creepy Mayor.

"Er, that's great and all, Lloyd," Frank began. "But we're kinda trying to plan Colette's journey of-"

"Hey, I don't wanna hear that from someone with a freaking **moustache**!" hollered Lloyd. Frank started crying.

"Um, anyways," the creepy Mayor cleared his throat. "Kratos, you follow Colette and make sure she doesn't die or anything. Raine'll come too, because she's good at that kind of stuff,"

"R-Raine is going on the journey?" Genis asked in what may or may not have been starry-eyed joy.

"Hey, wait!" shouted Lloyd. "I wanna go too! I'm a better fighter than that Kratos guy!" Kratos gave Lloyd an evil glare.

"If I recall correctly, it was 'that Kratos guy' who saved you from that fat guy back at the temple," said Kratos sharply.

"I had everything totally under control, until _you_ interupted!"

"Lloyd, your sword skills suck and your fifteen-freaking-years old!"

"I'm _seventeen_, thank you very much!"

"You're still just a kid!"

"You wear purple spandex!"

"You have stupid suspenders!"

"You have a big nose!"

"You have ugly hair!"

"You suck!"

"You suck more!"

What was promising to be a great bitch-fight was put to an end by the creepy Mayor, who told Lloyd to shut the hell up and booted the brown-haired youth out of the house before he could cause anymore trouble.

"GRAAAAAAAAH!" Lloyd screamed as Genis followed him out the door. "That Kratos makes me SO FREAKING MAD!" Just then, Colette leapt out the door after the pair. Using her insane tripping skills, she fell face-first in the dirt.

"Wa ha ha ha!" Genis laughed. "You suck, Colette!"

Lloyd tried hard not to laugh. "You OK, Colette?" Colette grinned up at him, seemingly oblivious to the blood streaming from her muddy nose. "Yup, I'm good. Oh, yeah," she stood up and dusted herself off. "Sorry Kratos totally kicks your ass, Lloyd."

"It's not like it's your fault," Lloyd replied. "Hey, wait a-!"

"Oh, yeah!" Genis interjected. "Happy Birthday, Colette!" He reached into his magical elfy pocket and pulled out a colorfully wrapped box. "I baked you some cookies! If I knew you'd be leaving today, I would've made something more special, but..."

"Oh, no, I love your cookies!" Colette grinned, grabbed the box, and shoved the whole thing down her Chosen throat. "Mm-mm! Delicious!" She giggled.

"So, what about you, Lloyd?" Genis turned to his friend. "You promised you'd make her a necklace, right?"

"Errrr..." Lloyd nervously looked everywhere but into Colette's face. "Er, see, I had it all done, but then, there was this earthquake, right? And a hole opened up in the ground, and, ah... a big monster came out! It tried to eat me whole, but I fought it off! Then, it, uh, it told me about how his wife was sick and he had six kids to feed and, er, he needed a necklace to sell so he could pay rent! Yeah, so I was all like, Dude, I've got a necklace here! But it's for my friend, see, it's her birthday coming up. So he got all like, pleeeeease! So I gave it to him out of the goodness of my heart, and made you a new one. It-it's almost done, so I'll give it to you... tomorrow, before you leave."

Colette's big blue eyes swam with tears. "Ooh, the poor little monster! You're such a good person, Lloyd!" she threw her arms around her friend. Then she turned and, sobbing uncontrollably, disappeared into her house and slammed the door shut behind her.

"Liar." Genis said dryly.

"What?" Lloyd looked shocked. "How could you tell?"

Genis rolled his eyes. "Well, whatever. Look, you're going home now, right? Can I come with you? There's someone I want to tell about the Oracle. A... friend,"

"What?" Lloyd's look of shock returned. "I didn't know you had friends!" Genis gave him an evil look that rivaled Kratos'. "Er, friends... outside of the village, I mean! Besides me, 'cause we're best buds, right?" Lloyd threw his arm around the elf, who groaned.

"Whatever. Let's go," So, they goed.

"Uh..." Lloyd came to a halt as they passed Genis' house. "Uh-oh..."

"What?" asked Genis.

"I forgot to put the Sorcerer's Ring back."

"Huh?" Genis looked confused. "Were you planning too?"

"No," Lloyd admitted. "I just wanted to make it seem like it was an accident so that you wouldn't think I stole it,"

"Oh, OK. Don't, like, kill anyone, alright?" Lloyd reluctantly agreed, and the pair headed out of the village.

"Hey, Lloyd!" shouted a cool soldier guy as they reached the village gate. "Isn't this your pet? Make it go away!" He pointed at a really big dog-creature with really really big ears.

"Hey, Noishe!" cried Lloyd, running to give his doggy a hug. Noishe gave him a big sloppy kiss. "Noishe, don't come into the village, you idiot!" Noishe whined. "What's that? You say you're not in the village?" Lloyd looked and saw that, in fact, Noishe stood just outside of the village borders. "Hey, you're right! G'boy! G'boy!" He hugged his doggy again.

"Er, Lloyd?" the cool soldier asked.

"M'yes?"

"The mayor says not to go near the Human Ranch, 'cause apparently someone's been hanging around there."

"I wouldn't do that! I'm a good little boy!" He tried to smile innocently, but could only manage an evil sneer. "We haven't gone anywhere near the Ranch, right Genis?"

"I haven't been sneaking into the ranch and giving Marble - one of the prisoners - my lunch for the past month! What're you talking about?"

There was a moment of silence.

"See?" Lloyd grinned, pointing to Genis. "You believe Genis, don't you?"

"Aw, he's so cute, how can I not believe every word he says?" The cool soldier patted Genis on his white little head. Genis laughed nervously.

"We can go now, right? Let's go, Lloyd."

"M'kay," said Lloyd. And they left.

--

"Well, this is my stop," Genis said as, a good few minutes of traveling later, the pair came up to a fork in the path.

Lloyd looked skeptically at the structure they had come to. A really really tall fence surrounded a scary grey building. Lightning flashed and evil music played in the background. A huge billboard stood before the building.

"'Iselia Human Ranch'" Lloyd read loudly. "'Authorized Personnel Only'. Why the hell do you want to go there?"

"Err," Genis erred.

"Doesn't going there, like, totally break the Non-Aggression Treaty?"

"Um..."

"This is, like, totally breaking the rules,"

"Well..."

"Didn't that soldier guy, like, just tell us_ not_ to come here?"

"Eh..."

"This is so **cool**!" Lloyd squealed. "Let's go!"

So they did.

"Hey, Marble!" Genis whispered through the fence. "Marble! Marble!"

"HEY, MARBLE!" Lloyd hollered. "MAR-BLE!" Several faces turned to him, so they jumped into some bushes.

"Did you hear something?" asked Desian Number One Hundred Twenty-Seven. His buddy Number Fifty-Nine, who'd been entertaining himself by making some humans push around big heavy rocks, shook his head.

"Hmph, I don't think she heard us," said Lloyd, poking his head out of the bush. He stepped up to the fence. "I'll try again. HEY-" Genis smacked his hand over Lloyd's mouth. Just then, Marble walked up.

"Hey, Genis," the old lady said cheerfully. "Is this your friend?"

"No," Genis answered, keeping his hand over Lloyd's mouth. "I fed it one day, and it keeps coming back,"

"You're mean, Genis!" Lloyd wailed, successfully prying Genis' hand away. Marble reached out her hand to shut the swordsman up, but she got zapped on the electric fence.

"Fuck!" she cried, holding her zapped hand tenderly.

"Um, anyway," Genis began. "I saw the Oracle, Marble, and-"

"Hey, Grams!" Lloyd interrupted loudly. He pointed at her non-zapped hand. "Isn't that an exsphere?" indeed, a pretty gem perched innocently on her wrinkly old hand.

"Yeah, that's great Lloyd. So, I saw the Oracle and he said-" But poor Genis was interrupted yet again.

"I dunno," Marble shrugged. "They put this on me when I came here,"

"Yeah, that's definitely an exsphere..." Lloyd ignored Genis' squeals behind him and leaned toward the fence for a closer look. "Can I see it?"

Marble held out her exsphered hand, but shocked her hand on the fence again.

"G'dammit!"

"Yeah, but it doesn't have a Key Crest..." Lloyd mused, oblivious to Marble's shrieks of pain. "An exsphere without a Key Crest is dangerous, you know."

"How come?" Genis asked.

"See, exspheres make you stronger if you stick 'em on your hand," Lloyd said, trying to act smart. "But then they make you sick. So you make a sexy charm, that is, a Key Crest, and it protects you from dying and shit."

"Oh. But, Marble's exsphere doesn't have a Key Crest..."

"I know, that's what I said. I'd make one, but only dwarves know how."

"Uh, Lloyd? Your dad's a dwarf."

"Oh, yeah. I'll ask him then,"

"Alright! Didja hear that Marble?" Genis turned to his old friend, grinning.

"Aw, you're so _sweet_!" Marble tried to give Genis a big hug, but got electrocuted again.

"F-f-f-f-f-fu-u-fu-fuc-c-c-ck-k-k!" she stammered. Just then, a mean voice shouted from behind her.

"Hey, who keeps poking the fence? Is that you, Number Two Hundred Nine? I keep telling you, it'll shock you if you touch it!"

"It's not me, Fifty-Nine!"

"Eh, I'd better go check it out."

"Oh no! The Desians! Quick, you two, hide-" Marble turned to find that Genis and Lloyd had long since fled. "Bastards," she mumbled.

"Hey, old hag! What the hell you doin' over here?" Marble found herself face-to-face with Desian Number Fifty-Nine.

"You get a kick outta getting electrocuted, or what?" asked number One Hundred Twelve.

"Cut it out, will ya? It's totally wasting electricity and shit." added number Sixty-Seven.

"Eh, sorry," said Marble. She rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

"Say, why aren't you pushing big-ass rocks like everyone else?"

"Gah! Stupid human! C'mon guys, lets go beat up this innocent old lady 'cause we're just _that_ evil!" So they started beating up poor old Marble.

Meanwhile, Lloyd and Genis watched from up on a cool cliff.

"Woah, dude, she's totally getting her ass kicked!" Lloyd laughed maniacally.

"Lloyd! We've got to help her!" Genis exclaimed. Without waiting for Lloyd to answer, he continued. "I'll attack them with magic from here, and then you jump down at great personal risk and lead them away from the village. I'll hide in the safety of those bushes over there."

"Mm, that'll probably work," mused Lloyd. So, Genis shot the Desians, who got all mad, and turned around to see Lloyd standing right out in the open. Bellowing with rage, Desian Numbers Fifty-nine, One Hundred Twelve, and Sixty-Seven yoinked out their whips and ran after him.

"Uh, shit!" Lloyd ran for it. But, then, Genis did the stupidest thing possible. He tripped. Then, he moaned very _very_ loudly: "Oooow..."

"What was that!" Sixty-Seven stopped in his tracks, causing a domino-like effect when Fifty-Nine ran right into him. Fortunately for them, but unfortunately for Lloyd, One Hundred Twelve remained standing and got a good look at the human.

Oh well. Now Lloyd had an excuse to totally kill them. Which he did. But then more Desians came out after him, so he jumped off a cliff.

By the time Lloyd had landed with a _fwump_, Genis had ran down the hill after him.

"Omigod, Lloyd, I'm sorry!" he wailed. "They saw your face!"

"Well, yeah," Lloyd shrugged. "But then I killed them, so it's all good. Just do my homework for me, OK?"

Genis glared. "No way. Do your own freaking homework."

"I save your life, and this is the thanks I get? Jeez, you're a real pal, Genis. Why, I outta..." but then Genis ran away, and Lloyd was left on his own. Until Noishe came and gave him a big hug. So, Lloyd and his faithful doggy headed deeper into the forest to their home.

--

Number Twelve stared over the cliff the human had leapt off only minutes before. The drop was easily a hundred feet. How did a mere human make that kind of jump?

Then, from behind him came another half-elf - clearly a main character, as his face wasn't covered by a helmet. Not only that, but he also had a really cool costume and was totally cyborg to boot. Remember him; he's important. He stared over the cliff the human had leapt off only minutes before.

"What the hell?" he grumbled. Then, louder, he ordered, "Check the data from the gate surveillance system,"

"Yessir," said Number Twelve, and he scurried off to do so.

The important Desian gazed down the cliff again. The drop was easily a hundred feet.

"How did a mere human make that kind of jump?"


	3. Chapter 3

I want you guys to know, pizza is _not _delivered in Sylvarant. Poor guys have to go get it on their own. D:

Sorry, this chapter's up later than I intended. Sorry, sorry.

**--**

**Chapter Three**

Lloyd's house was cute and innocent. It sat in on the bank of a cute little creek in the depths of the Iselia Forest. Flowers blossomed cheerfully from random places, and happy little squirrels and chipmunks scurried from one colorful blossom to the next.

Suddenly, with a blood-curdling cry of triumph, three squirrels and a chipmunk were skewered on the end of a big sharp sword.

"Yeah!" Lloyd raised the shishkebobed critters over his head. "Dinner is served, Noishe!" Noishe howled in agreement. "But," Lloyd added, waggling his finger in the doggy's face. "_You_ can't have any, because you're too stupid for those kinds of things."

And, while Noishe tried to make sense of what his master had said, Lloyd waved happily to the gravestone behind his house, gave a sunny "Hey, Mommy!", and walked into his oh-so-cute house.

"Yo, Dad!" Lloyd hollered just has his short little daddy waddled into the room. "Look; I caught dinner!"

Dirk, Lloyd's daddy, rolled his eyes. "Lloyd, d'ya think we live in th' friggin' _stone age_? I ordered a pizza," So Lloyd and his daddy left the skewered critters outside for Noishe and ate pizza.

"Uh, say, Dad?" Lloyd asked through a mouthful of cheese and anchovies.

"Don' talk with yer mouth full, Lloyd,"

"Yeah," Lloyd swallowed. "Can you make me a Key Crest? Please?"

"Whaddya need a friggin' Key Crest for?" Dirk growled.

"Er, I met someone who had an exsphere without a Key Crest. That's bad, right?"

"Duh."

"So, will you make me one?"

"Who's it for?" Dirk looked suspiciously at his suddenly nervous foster son.

"Err, uh, well... y'see, there was this big earthquake, right? And a hole opened up in the ground, and, ah... a big monster came out! It tried to eat me whole, but I fought it off! Then, it, uh, it told me about how his wife was sick and he had six kids to feed and, er, he needed a Key Crest so that he didn't get sick. Y'know. So I was all like, Dude, those Key Crests don't come cheap! So he got all like, pleeeeease! So I told him maybe my amazing, handsome, kind father might find time to maybe possibly make him one teeny tiny Key Crest. Did I ever tell you that you look good in a beard? And, uh, yeah. That's it."

There was a moment of silence.

Then another moment.

Lloyd nervously took a bite of his pizza.

"Lloyd, d'ya take me for a friggin' idot?" Dirk finally growled.

"Ah, well..." hastily, Lloyd shoved the rest of his pizza into his mouth to save himself from answering.

"Don' forget 'Dwarven Vow Numbah Eleven: Lying is the first step to the path of theivery'. And stop stuffin' yer face with pizza, ye look like a friggin' pig! Now, tell th' truth. Why do you need a Key Crest?"

"Err... y'see... there was this monster bird, right? And it totally came down and-"

"Lloyd!" Dirk punched the swordsman in the face.

"Ow! I'm sorry I'm sorry!" Lloyd clutched at his bleeding nose. "I met someone at the Human Ranch who had an exsphere without a Key Crest, alright?"

"You wen' to th' ranch?" Dirk punched Lloyd again.

"Stobbit! Stobbit!" Lloyd waved his bloody hands wildly in his daddy's face. "Wait, a lot of stuff happened, and-"

"Didja at least keep yer exsphere secret?"

"Yeah, of course, look;" Lloyd held out his band-aided hand. "See? I never showed it to no one. Oh, except Genis, but he doesn't matter. Why do I have to keep it secret, though? This totally creepy mercenary who came to town wore his right out in the open!"

Dirk grumbled thoughtfully. Finally, he said: "Yer exsphere is special. The Desians friggin' killed yer mother t' take it from 'er."

Lloyd gazed at his daddy with a look of shocked stupidity. "E-eh?"

"Yeah, see, b'fore yer mommy died an' all, she told me. So tha's why you gotter keep it secret, ye idiot."

"Wh-wha-why-hu-wh-hubba-uggu-hu-hu-huh?" Lloyd's jaw, which had been laying on the floor beneath the table, suddenly snapped back into place. "Wh-why didn't you ever tell me? That's, like, kinda important, Dad!"

"If I told you, ye'd 've just gone after the Desians."

"But, don't you think I'm going to do that anyways, now that I know?"

"D'oh!" Dirk smacked his forehead. "Yer right, I should've thought'a that. Damn."

"So, uh, will you make me the Key Crest?" Lloyd asked tentatively.

"Lloyd, ye friggin' idiot! Have ye' been listening ter me at _all_?"

"Yeah, but-" Lloyd didn't get to finish, because Dirk punched him again. "GYAA!" Lloyd screamed through his now broken and bleeding nose. "Stop hitting meeee!" The poor bleeding youth ran blindly from the house, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth wide and wailing. He slammed the door behind him and ran for it.

But before he'd run two steps from the doorway, Lloyd ran into something cute and blonde.

"Yikes!" with a shriek, Lloyd toppled over right on top of Colette. "Colette, what're you-" Lloyd broke off as he looked up and saw Raine, Genis, and Kratos - each with guilty looks and ears pressed to the window.

"Did-did you guys just hear all that?"

"I'm sooooorry, Lloyd!" Genis whimpered, putting on the most exculpatory face he could manage. "Because of me, you got in trouble. But you forgive me, don't you?"

"Uh..."

"Um, say, Lloyd?" the teen glanced down to see Colette's face only a few inches from his own. "Can you, like, get off me?"

"Oh, right, uh-" Lloyd scrambled off his blonde friend. "S-sorry..."

"Lloyd!" Raine yelled. "Go talk with Colette!"

"Erm, yes ma'am!"

Colette smiled in a dim-witted way. "Lloyd, let's go up to the terrace."

"Um, well..." Lloyd glanced anxiously toward his house. "I'm kinda afraid of my dad right now, Colette..." But, Colette grabbed his hand and dragged him into the house anyway.

"Lloyd!" Dirk barked. "Where're you goin' with that attractive young woman?"

"Up to... my room..." Lloyd murmered. Dirk blinked. Before he could speak, Colette had pulled Lloyd up the stairs and out onto the terrace. The pair stood in the night air and stared up at the pretty stars. Getting fidgety, Lloyd glanced at the blonde. Her bright blue eyes reflected the moonlight attractively, and her elegantly pale face shone with brainless joy. Lloyd cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Er, Colette-"

"Stars... stars..." Colette mumbled, cutting Lloyd off. "Oh! I've got it! Cars!

I sit with my friend Lloyd,

And stare up at the stars,

I wish I had a cookie,

And angels don't drive cars!" The girl giggled. Lloyd blinked.

"Er, yeah. Well, I'm sorry I didn't finish your birthday present on time."

"S'OK. You always get me something lame anyway."

"Yeah, but this sort of- hey!"

Colette giggled. "Will you just wish me a happy birthday?"

"O-of course. Happy Birthday."

"Tee hee! I'm really glad I haven't died yet."

Lloyd blanked at Colette's bizarre comment. "Whaddya mean? Your gonna keep on living and regenerate the world!"

"Yeah..." Colette turned away dramatically.

"So, world regeneration, huh? Sounds like fun!"

"Yeah, and when it's all over, I'll di-uh, I mean..."

"What?"

"Erm, nothing." Colette grinned.

". . . right. So, can I come too?"

"Well, it'll be really dangerous, and-" Colette broke off; her eyes suddenly took on an evil glint. "Well, of _course_ you can come, Lloyd! I would be _scared_ without _you_! We're leaving tomorrow at **noon**. Can you come by around then?"

"OK!" Lloyd grinned, oblivious to his friend's evil plot. "I'll see you at noon, then! And, I'll bring you your birthday present, too!"

Colette smiled. "Can I see what it looks like so far?"

"What what looks like so far?"

"My birthday present."

"Eeeeh..." Lloyd looked uneasy.

"Hm?"

"SO! I really hate Desians!"

"Oh, yeah! Me too!" Colette nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, they like totally killed my mommy and stuff." Looking forlorn, Lloyd turned and gazed in the direction of his mother's grave. He was surprised to see none other than that creepy mercenary, Kratos, standing before it.

"Hey, Kratos!" Lloyd shouted. "What're you doing?"

The man leapt about a foot in the air, spun around, and shouted "I'm sorry!"

"Um...?"

"Eh..." Kratos dropped his gaze, looking embarrassed. "I mean, uh... yeah." With that witty comment, the mercenary turned and walked away.

"Oh! Um, wait!" Colette waved at the redhead, but he didn't come back. "Crap, that's my ride. Sorry, Lloyd, I'll see ya later!"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

"Um, yeah..." Colette fidgeted for a second. "Well... goodbye..." And with that, the little Chosen jumped off the balcony and scurried off after Kratos. Genis and Raine were quick to follow.

Lloyd sighed, scratching at the floor with the toe of his boot. He glanced up at the night sky one more time before he yawned, stretched his arms over his head, and mumbled "Well, I guess I have to make that birthday present now."

So, the swordsman stepped back into his room and cut his fingers on a sharp knife a lot. Oh, he also made Colette a necklace.

--

"Um, Dad...?"

Lloyd stood awkwardly behind his short daddy early the next morning. The dwarf was standing before Anna's grave quietly, but turned when he heard his son's voice.

"Here," he said gruffly, holding out his hand. He was holding a bracelet in his gloved hand. "Thas' th' Key Crest you wanted."

"That's not a Key Crest!" Lloyd pointed at the accessory accusingly. "That's a bracelet!"

Dirk rolled his eyes. "I know, stupid. You can' take the exsphere off, so you put th' Inhibitor Ore on an accessory to act as th' mount instead." Lloyd didn't get it, but he took the Key Crest anyway.

"Cool. You rock, Dad." He pocketed the Key Crest and continued. "Anyhoo, I'm going on an adventure with Colette to help her save the world. I'm gonna meet her at noon!" Lloyd grinned.

"Noon?" Dirk checked his magic dwarfy-powered watch. "It's twelve thirty. Shouldn't ye, like, leave?"

"Yeah, I'm going," Lloyd waved his Daddy's words off. "She'll wait for me, it's OK. C'mon, Noishe!" After his doggy friend joined him, Lloyd grabbed his swords and headed for the road. "Bye, Daddy!"

Just then, the swordsman ran into Genis!

"Yo, Genis. Look, I got a Key Crest for Marble!" Lloyd held out the bracelet.

"That's not a Key Crest!" Genis pointed at the accessory accusingly. "That's a bracelet!"

"I know that, stupid. See, you can't put the accessory to the exsphere, so you take the Inhibitor Ore and act like a bracelet so you can- no, wait. That's not it. You add the Ore to the Inhibitor to make a Key Crest and the bracelet acts as the exsphere, no, wait..."

"W-well, that's great and all, but what happened to seeing Colette off?"

"Oh, well, I'm going with her. She told me to meet her at noon."

"Noon?" Genis checked his magic elfy-powered watch. "It's twelve thirty-six. Shouldn't you, like be there already?"

"Nah, she'll wait for me."

"But, that's not the point! Colette left at exactly eight twenty-three this morning!"

"Well, of course she- hubba-hu-huh-wh-what?" Lloyd stared at his elven friend, flabbergasted. "She told me to come at noon!"

"Well, you know how Colette gets... confused sometimes..." Genis shrugged. "C'mon, let's go to the village and talk to Frank."

"Yeah, maybe making fun of his moustache will make me feel better..." Lloyd looked like he could use some cheering up.

So the dynamic duo (and Noishe) headed for Iselia.

--

"Phaidra!" Lloyd stormed into Colette's house, scaring the living daylights out of poor Phaidra. "Phaidra, did Colette leave already?"

"Indeed." said Frank.

"Hey! I wasn't talking to you, moustache-boy!" Lloyd snapped. Frank ran away to cry in his corner.

"Here," Phaidra held out a really big piece of paper to Lloyd. "Colette asked me to give you this letter."

Lloyd looked at the paper. It was mostly full of doodles and random bits of poetry, and the top right corner looked like it had coffee spilled on it. But, by reading carefully, Lloyd could make out the message intended for him.

"'Ha ha, Lloyd!'" he read aloud. "'I totally tricked you! I told you we were leaving at noon, even though just yesterday we decided to leave at exactly eight twenty-three. Aren't I clever?'" at this point, Lloyd had to squint to read through a picture of what might have been a monkey, or a grasshopper with a shoe on it's head. "'Thanks for, like, putting up with me for sixteen years. You were really lucky to have met me. Farewell, Colette.' What the hell is this?" Lloyd glared at Phaidra. "It almost sounds like a will or something!"

"Er, you could call it that..." Phaidra began.

"There's something we haven't told you, or the rest of the village," Frank was done crying, so he spoke again. "You see, Colette- no, the Chosen - is already-"

"Hey!" Lloyd pointed at Frank and his moustache. "Didn't I tell you to shut up? I don't wanna hear a word from a man who thinks it's OK to have a moustache!" Frank ran away again.

Phaidra sighed. "What he was going to say is-"

At that very moment, there was a huge BOOM! Everyone in the room leapt a few feet in the air, and Lloyd screamed at the very top of his poor little lungs.

"You guys, go see what's going on!" Cried Frank. "I'll stay here and be useless!"

So they did.

--

"Hm, something seems a little... off, don't you think?"

Lloyd looked around the village. Most of it was on fire; screams filled the air, and a couple bloody bodies lay on the street before him.

"Huh, I think you're right." Lloyd shrugged. "Well, we should go find out where that boom came from, don't you-"

"Hey, look! More survivors!" Lloyd spun around to find himself facing a pair of Desians! The one who had spoken continued: "C'mon, Twenty-Three, let's kill 'em!"

Desian Number Twenty-Three smiled and shot Lloyd with his amazing crossbow. But Lloyd leapt out of the way just in the nick of time, so the arrow imbedded itself into Genis' forehead instead.

One apple gel later, Lloyd yoinked out his trusty swords and cut off Desian Number Twenty-Three's head. The other Desian screamed and tried to run for it, but Genis shot him with some awesome elven magic.

"OK, bad idea," said the Desian. Then he died.

"Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Lloyd laughed loudly. "Woo, we rock! Bring it on, Desians! Bring it on!"

Just then, ten Desians appeared and surrounded the swordsman and his little elven buddy.

"Er..." Lloyd sweatdropped. "Crap."

--

"Lloyd Irving! Come forth!" hollered a Desian with a funny helmet.

The helpless citizens of Iselia (that is, the ones who weren't burning, bleeding, or dead) glanced at each other, bewildered. At last, a guy with cucumbers on his eyes rose his hand. The funny helmeted Desian called on him.

"Er, Lloyd doesn't live here."

"What?" The cyborgy half-elf from before (didn't I tell you to remember him?) suddenly appeared. He turned to glare at his subordinate. "Desian Number Eight, you idiot! You said he lived in Iselia! I got the whole army to burn it down and everything!"

"S-sorry, sir," Number Eight stammered. "I thought... er, well... all the humans around here live in the village so I just... assumed..."

His boss groaned. "Ugh. Good help is so hard to find these days. Alright!" he raised his voice to address the congregation of humans. "Listen up, inferior beings! I am-"

"Are you that half-elf Phaidra had sex with?" asked some human chick.

"What? No way, I'm-"

"Ugh, man, you should've heard the Chosen before she left." said another man with a beard. "She was totally going into detail and stuff."

"Ew!" cried a third voice. "Cross-species sex!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" roared the Desian boss. "Who's this Phaidra chick?"

The villagers parted to reveal Phaidra, who had suddenly appeared in the mob. The Desian looked offended. "Ew. OK, first, there's no way I'd **ever** have **any** kind of relationship with an inferior human. And, second, she's gotta be, what, sixty?"

"How old are you?" asked Bob the butcher.

"Four hundred and twenty-six," replied the half-elf.

And everybody was OK with this.

"So, anyway, as I was saying," the half-elf cleared his throat. "I am Forcystus, the big boss of the ranch over there were we cultivate you pathetic humans. I'm a half-elf, which makes me way cooler than any of you. So, tell me where Lloyd is, and we won't totally kill you all."

"So, um..." Bob the butcher raised his hand. "So you _didn't_ have sex with Phaidra?"

Forcystus shot him.

Just then, Lloyd entered the scene! He was followed by Genis, who all bloody and gross. But they were both alive, which was pretty cool, considering they'd just been attacked by ten Desians.

"Hey, you jerks! You've come to attack the village again?" Lloyd was really cheesed off.

"Again? We haven't attacked the village in ages!" said Forcystus, holding up his right hand innocently.

"There was that time, like, two-hundred years ago..." said Number Eight uncertainly. "OH! I get it! _They_ must be after the Chosen!"

Everyone blinked.

"They?" repeated Lloyd.

"They?" repeated Phaidra.

"They?" repeated Forcystus.

"Eh, you know, sir!" Number Eight looked confused. "You know, _them_! Those guys..."

"Oh, _them_!" The boss grinned. "Right, right. I gotcha. Anyway," he turned and pointed at Lloyd accusingly. "You! You're that kid who attacked our ranch, right? You totally killed Numbers Sixty-Seven, Fifty-Nine, and One Hundred-Twelve."

There was a moment of silence for the afore mentioned Desians.

"SO! That means we're gonna kill you, 'cause we're just _that_ evil!" Forcystus cackled evilly. And, from behind him, there came a big scary monster. "This chick-er, monster's totally gonna kill _you_ now! Oh, the irony of it all!" He and his underlings scurried out of the way. The monster turned it's ugly face to Lloyd and began walking towards him. Very. Very. Slowly.

"Here, Lloyd, I'll help you!" said Genis. "Fireball!" the elf used his awesome power to light the monster on fire.

"Yikes!" Is what the monster would have said if it had a mouth. But, it didn't, so it came out more like "Mmmrrrghmffks!"

Lloyd took advantage of the monster's lack of concentration and shoved his sword right in it's tummy. The creature yelped... sort of. Then, suddenly, it could talk! And it's voice sounded familiar...

"Fuck! You bastards; that really hurt!"

"Th-that voice..." Genis stared at the monster. "It sounded like... Marble?"

"God dammit!" Forcystus found himself back on the scene. "I wanted the human to kill you for the irony of it, but she totally sucks!"

"Wait, Lord Forcystus!" Number Eight pointed at Lloyd. "That boy has an exsphere!"

"Huh?" Lloyd glanced at his band-aided hand. Except, it wasn't band-aided anymore. "Crap! I forgot to put the band-aid back on after I washed my hands this morning!"

"It must be the one from the Angelus Project we've been searching for!" Lord Forcystus pointed at Lloyd. "Gimme it!"

"No way!"

"Fine then," the Desian waved a hand, and his subordinates formed a circle around Lloyd and his little elven buddy. "Then we'll just kill you and take it!" he laughed an evil laugh.

But, just then, Marble the monster jumped up and threw her big scary arms around Forcystus.

"What the fuck? Get off me, you old hag!"

But Marble didn't let go. Instead, she blew up.

"Holy hell!" Lloyd screamed. "She blew up!"

"Marble!" yelped Genis.

"No, we must protect Lord Forcystus!" the Desians immediately forgot Lloyd and carried their boss away.

"Hey, wait! That's my promotion you just left there!" Forcystus hollered, but the poor half-elf was ignored. The entire Desian army quickly ran for it, leaving Iselia free - if not burning, bleeding, and/or dead.

"Lloyd, you god damned idiot!" yelled the mayor, spewing the teen with saliva. "It's _your_ fault that the entire village is either burning, bleeding, or dead!"

Lloyd looked repentant. "I-I'm really sorry, sir."

"Sorry? That's all you can say?"

"Er..." Lloyd looked thoughtful. "Uh, yeah."

"ROAR!" roared the mayor. "You suck, Lloyd!"

"Wha-?"

"Hey, wait!" Genis jumped up. "You're gonna exile him?"

"Um..." the mayor considered that. "Actually, I was just gonna make him wear the dunce cap again. But your idea is better! Lloyd, I hereby banish you from the village of Iselia!"

Lloyd punched Genis in the face. Genis started crying.

"Then, you've gotta banish me, too! It was my idea to go in the first place!" he sobbed.

"Uhm, OK." the mayor shrugged. "You've gotta leave."

So, everyone walked away, leaving a very peeved Lloyd, a slightly confused Genis, and Frank and Phaidra, who were just there.

"If you want to help the Chosen-" began Frank.

"Shut up, Moustache!" Lloyd shouted. "I'm in a bad enough mood without you talking!"

Frank was sad. Phaidra said, "If you wanna help the Chosen, she went that'a way," the old lady pointed towards the south. "If you save the world, maybe everyone will change their minds about you,"

"Yes," Lloyd raised a fist, in a totally dramatic way. "I will atone for what I've done. For all the people who died here because of me, I'll help Colette save the world! Angst!"

No one seemed to point out that it was Genis' idea to go the ranch, to attack the Desians, and to totally trip and get caught.

So, Lloyd and Genis and their faithful doggy friend Noishe started on their long and angsty journey of woe and betrayal. Oh, and Genis took Marble's exsphere with him, because he's cool like that.

They meandered their way out of the village. Genis tripped and fell, and started to cry. Noishe howled in accompaniment, and Lloyd shouted for them all to shut the hell up.

It was going to be a long journey.


	4. Chapter 4

The Desians are pretty stupid. You should know, I love each and every one of them with all of my heart. :)

--

**Chapter Four**

"Geeeeniiiis?"

"What?"

"How long does this freaking desert go on?"

Genis searched the horizon carefully. For miles and miles, all he could see was yucky, yellow sand. He couldn't find anything else; the only ones around it seemed where the two kids, their dog, and some scorpions.

Lloyd groaned. "Ugh. Why is it so hot?"

"Efreet's presence is supposed to affect the temperature in this area," Genis replied.

"Efreet? Isn't he, like, a summon spirit?"

"Yeah,"

"So, like, that's where Colette's headed, right?"

Genis looked thoughtful. "Yeah, probably."

"Then let's go there!" Lloyd jumped for joy.

"Well..." Genis shrugged. "I dunno where it is." Lloyd punched him.

So, the pair trudged on through the hot, sandy, yucky desert. It wasn't until it was getting dark out, and Lloyd and gotten one heck of a sunburn, did they finally see something in the distance.

"What is that?" asked Lloyd.

Genis pulled out a map. "That should be..." he scanned the chart, which was stupid because there was only one city in the whole desert. "Ah, Triet! The desert oasis!"

"Oasis? Like, water?" Lloyd drooled at the very thought. Genis nodded, tucking the map away. "Then, let's go!" So they goed. But they soon got tired again, so they rode Noishe for a while. But the doggy got hot and tired really quickly, and he kicked them off. So, the pair walked for a little longer.

Finally, they reached Triet.

"YES!" Lloyd walked in with his arms spread wide. "Man, I'm gonna find the nearest swimming pool, and-" Poor Lloyd was cut short when Genis grabbed his arm and pulled him behind a stand.

"Genis? What-" the elf slapped a hand over Lloyd's mouth, and pointed across the street. Lloyd's eyes widened.

"Dffmiamms!" he mumbled, which obviously translated into Desians.

"So, if you find this Lloyd kid, call us up," Desian number Two Hundred Eight was saying.

"Er, OK." Number One Hundred Twenty-one scatched his head-that is, his helmet. "So, what does this Lloyd look like?"

"Here's a picture of him," there was a moment of silence when the Desians crowded around to see the picture. "I'll just put up these wanted posters now, and hope that these humans will be stupid enough to turn in one of their own kind to us,"

"Good plan," said the last Desian, and with that, they dispersed.

"Jeez," Lloyd groaned, stepping out onto the road once the coast was clear. "Wanted posters and everything. These guys are really serious."

"Let's go look at the poster!" Genis shouted excitedly. So they did.

"This doesn't look anything like you, Lloyd!" Genis said as he and Lloyd gaped at the poorly drawn wanted poster.

"I know! Look; the hair is totally uneven! Look at the split ends! See, MY hair is perfectly even! No split ends on my head!" Lloyd pointed to wanted poster Lloyd's hair loftily.

Genis stared at him for a long, long time. "Actually, it's kinda accurate. I mean, you both have big heads." Lloyd punched Genis again.

"Well, fine then!" Lloyd pulled out a black marker and drew a moustache under wanted poster Lloyd's nose. "Now no one will ever know it's me! I mean come on; I would never let myself grow a moustache!"

Their job completed, the happy pair meandered off through the dusty streets of Triet. Soon they came to a tent with a big sign that read "Fortune Teller's House of Fortune".

"Ooh, a fortune teller!" Lloyd squealed like a little kid. "C'mon, Genis, let's go in!" And so they did.

"Hellooooooooooooo." said the fortune teller mysteriously. "I am the fortune teller of Triet. You may call me... the fortune teller of Triet."

Genis groaned. Lloyd squealed. "Tell my fortune, fortune teller of Triet! Tell my fortune!"

The fortune teller of Triet held out her hands expectantly. "Give me your right hand, child, and I shall divine for you the cloudy depths of your future." Lloyd shoved his hand into the fortune teller's. He smiled a dorky smile.

"Aaaah..." the fortune teller of Triet said cryptically. "I see... I see... I see you speaking with, no, arguing with a man... a man with flowing blonde hair... and a tight disco suit... he pulls out a giant purple sword... and a Desian comes to rescue you..." she tossed her hands in the air, dropping Lloyd's. "That is what I seeeeee!"

Lloyd gave her a strange look. "Disco suit? C'mon, ya old goat, is that the best you can do? I mean, really, 'flowing blonde hair'? And what's this crap about a Desian coming to save me? You suck, old lady!"

Genis nodded. "Besides, how can you read his palm if he's wearing a glove?"

The fortune teller of Triet looked flustered. "Uh, um, I-I shall not reveal the secret of my divining powers!" and with that, she tossed the pair out onto the sand.

"Gah, this sucks!" Lloyd shook his fist at the tent. "I just blew one hundred gald on that stupid fortune!"

"Yeah, we could've bought something we _needed_. But _no_, you had to get your fortune told!"

"I thought she might tell me something useful, like the weather for next week or the winning lottery number." Lloyd shrugged. "Well, should we try and find Colette now?"

"Um, I guess we should start asking if anyone's seen the Chosen's group," Genis said uncertainly.

"Whaaaat?" the fortune teller of Triet's mystical head suddenly shot out from the tent. "You are looking for the Chosen of Mana? Are you, perchance, acquainted with that charming young girl?"

"Yeah!" Lloyd jumped to his feet. "Have you seen her?"

"Seen her? My child, join me in my home and I shall tell you of the Chosen." So, Genis and Lloyd scurried back into the tent. Genis wasted no time beating around the bush.

"So, will you tell us where Colette- I mean, where the Chosen is?"

The fortune teller of Triet looked surprised. "Why would I do that? You're friend the Chosen broke my precious divining antique vase, and I want it paid for!" She glared at the boys, who suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

"Er, that's not really our problem, ma'am..." the fortune teller gave Genis an evil look, and he screamed. "I-I-I mean, h-how much?"

"Well, let's see..." the fortune teller pulled out a magic fortune tellery powered calculator. "There's the vase, the vase stand, the carpet around the vase, the time spent cleaning up the pieces of the vase, and the price of one fortune told that she never paid..." she grinned and held out the calculator. "This should cover it."

Genis screamed again, and Lloyd toppled over in a dead faint.

"Th-this is insane!" Genis exclaimed. "You can't charge this much!"

The fortune teller of Triet glared. "What? Can't afford it?"

"Of course not!"

"Then, you'll just have to work it off," the fortune teller grinned evilly.

--

"Ug, where am I?" Lloyd blinked the sleep out of his eyes and looked around him. He was sitting inside a dark and mysterious tent, quite alone. Where was he again...? "That's right! That crazy fortune teller way over-charged, and then-" Suddenly, the teen's view was obstructed by a big, pink, hairy Katz.

"YEEEEAAAARRGH!" Lloyd screamed at the top of his lungs, and tried to run for it. But, the Katz grabbed him by a long scarf and yoinked him back. Squirming and screaming, Lloyd barely registered that the Katz was very short.

"Lloyd, shut up! It's me!" The Katz pulled off his creepy kitty-eared hood.

"G-Genis? What're you dressed up like a Katz for?"

Genis' face fell into a cross between shame and hatred. "Well, while _you_ were sleeping, I was working my butt off to pay off Colette's bill. By... playing the fortune teller of Triet's mascot... for the past... six hours..." the miserable boy-turned-Katz shuddered.

"Oh, yeah," Lloyd gave his buddy a hearty slap on the back. The poor boy crumpled. "So, anyway, I wonder why Colette didn't pay herself...?"

"You'll have to ask her that when we find her," grumbled Genis as he pulled himself into a sitting position. "We're heading to the Triet ruins, 'cause that's where I think she is,"

"I thought you didn't know where they were!"

"I checked the map," Genis pulled the said map from his magical elfy pocket and spread it between himself and Lloyd. He pointed to a dot in the middle of the big yellow blob that was the Triet Desert. "See? It's right there."

Lloyd decided not to question why the elf hadn't checked the map beforehand. Instead, he pointed to the horizon dramatically and declared in a loud voice:

"Alright! Onward to the Triet Ruins!"

"Uh, Lloyd? The Triet Ruins are this way," Genis grabbed Lloyd's gloved hand and pulled him out of the city.

"Hey, you!" The happy duo stopped in their tracks. They swivelled around to find themselves faced with not one, not two, but_ three_ freaking Desians.

"Uh, er..." Lloyd grinned and put on an incredibly fake accent. "T-top of th' mornin', fellas."

"Hello!" said one Desian, waving. The second elbowed him hard.

"Shut up, One Hundred Thirteen. Doesn't he look like the kid on the wanted poster?" questioned the second Desian.

"Huh?" One Hundred Thirteen turned around so he could see the poster tacked up on a wall. "Hey, yeah, he does!"

"Hey, now, wait a second!" Lloyd dropped the accent and held up his hands defensively. "Look at that guy's hair! It's totally uneven!" He brushed his own hair arrogantly. "See this? No split ends on my head!"

"Oh yeah, you're right! Sorry!" One Hundred Thirteen grinned, but he was elbowed again.

"Look kid," said the third Desian. "The kid on the poster looks an awful lot like you..."

"But he has a moustache!" Genis jumped in. "See? A big curly black one! There's no way L- er, my friend would _ever_ grow a moustache!"

"Yeah!" Lloyd nodded eagerly. He stroked his moustache-less lip. "See? A clean, close shave!"

"Oh, you're right!" Desian One Hundred Thirteen repeated, and his Desian buddies nodded. "OK, see ya, kids! Have a nice day!" With that, the Desians left, off to question mustachioed men.

"Yeah!" Lloyd jumped for joy. "Ha ha ha, those Desians are so stupid!"

"I gotta admit..." Genis shrugged. "That was way easier than I thought it would be. I thought we'd hafta fight them or something."

"Yeah, look! Not a scratch on me!" At that very moment, a shiny pink sphere of electricity slammed into Lloyd's back.

"Holy mother of-!" Lloyd managed to gasp before he fell in a crumpled heap at Genis' feet. The poor little elf quaked with fear as a pair of Desians came up behind him. One grabbed him roughly by his very long white hair, and the other picked up Lloyd.

"Holy hell! This kid's heavy!" The second Desian groaned.

"Oh, c'mon, you loser," the first snapped. "OK, kid, you're coming with us," He snarled at Genis, who started to cry. "Oh for the love of-"

And so began the long and perilous trek of Genis, the two Desians, and the still-unconscious Lloyd. They slumped across the really hot desert, and then when they got tired, hitched a ride off a giant lizard. Finally they reached a really cool and high tech building. The first Desian lugged Lloyd through the super high tech door, and the second turned to face Genis, who sniffled loudly.

"Wah, this sucks!" he wailed. "This is all Lloyd's fault! I hate you Lloyd! You jerk! I wanted to stay home, but no, we had to go to the ranch. 'Let's save Marble', you said. 'You shoot 'em, and I'll run for it. OH, I'm sooo cool! Hey, let's go get banished! Why the hell not?' You suck Lloyd! Why I outta-"

"Hey!" the Desian smacked Genis hard. "Shut up, wouldja? Look, as a fellow kinsman, I'll let you go, OK?"

Genis' tears immediately stopped. He gave the Desian a nervous look. Then, before the half-elf could change his mind, Genis ran for it. He could've sworn he heard the Desian mutter "Thank th' Goddess", but he wasn't quite sure.

Anyways, soon he ran into Noishe, who gave him a big sloppy kiss.

"C'mon, Noishe, let's get the hell outta here!" Genis said. Noishe gave him a cute puppy dog look. "What? You think we should save Lloyd? But I don't wanna!" Noishe looked the elf right in the eye, with the darned cutest expression a dog could make. "AW, your so CUTE!" Genis hugged Noishe. "OK, we can go save Lloyd."

Noishe howled. Genis laughed. Somewhere in the big scary high tech building, a Desian screamed when he dropped the dead weight that was Lloyd on his toe.


	5. Chapter 5

Hm, you've gotta love the sidekicks. Enjoy, or else.

--

**Chapter Five**

"Ugh, where am I?" For the second time in a very short period, Lloyd woke up with absolutely no idea of what had happened or where he was. "Oh, that's right! That fortune teller totally over-priced, and then... locked me in jail?" Lloyd blinked. He was in a small, but very high tech jail cell. No, that wasn't right. "I was... in Triet and then... someone shot me!" Lloyd snapped his fingers, feeling very clever.

Just then, his self-congratulation was interrupted by some voices outside his cell. Pressing his ear to the barred wall, Lloyd shut up and listened.

"Really? Man, sucks to be that Lloyd kid," one Desian was saying.

"Yeah. He can't possibly avoid execution," said the other. For some reason, everyone found this funny and laughed.

"Execution?" Lloyd yelled. "What the hell?" Luckily, no one heard him.

"Hey," a third voice said. "Lord Botta wants to see you,"

"M'kay,"

Lloyd curled up in the corner of his cell as the Desian's voices and footsteps faded away.

"I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna dieeee!" he moaned. After a minute of self pity, he pulled himself into a sitting position and looked around him.

"Wow, this is a really simple lock," he marveled at the high tech but easy to open door. "I could open this, no problem!"

"That's why I'm here," growled a voice, and Lloyd screamed when he saw a Desian right outside the jail cell.

'Man, I really gotta stop thinking out loud...' Lloyd decided, sitting back in his cell. He glanced down, noticing that the Desians had taken all of his supplies, including his swords, his gels, some spare change, a used tissue, and his left boot.

'All I've got on me is the Sorcerer's Ring...' Lloyd eyed the oversized ring raptly. What had Colette said about this ring? Lloyd closed his eyes and tried to envision his friend's face.

"_Yeah, it's really cool!" Colette sang. "It bakes cookies, no problem! I didn't even burn them! Isn't that cool?"_

Lloyd shook his head. Wrong memory. He searched his brain again.

"_I'll bet the Sorcerer's Ring can open it!" said Colette airily. "It's this super convenient ring that does exactly what you need it to do exactly where you need it to. I think it's somewhere in this temple."_

"Exactly what I need exactly where I need, huh?" Lloyd raised the ring to eye level. Then, squeezing one eye shut for aim, he pointed the ring at the Desian guard's back.

With a bang like a gunshot, a fireball the size of a horse exploded from the end of the ring and crashed into the back of the guard's head. He screamed in fear and agony as the flames engulfed his half-elven body. In moments, all that was left of the poor Desian was a pile of ashes and an incredibly scorched helmet.

Lloyd stared in shock. "Er, wasn't expecting that..." he murmered, stowing the destructive ring back on his middle finger. He quickly unlocked the cell's door and, careful to avoid treading in the pile of Desian, stepped into the cool high-tech room.

"Wow, this place is dandy!" Lloyd cried with the darned dorkiest expression he could muster. He searched the room, and soon found his swords, his boot, and his gels and cash. He never did find that used Kleenex, though...

"Well, I'm outta here!" Lloyd declared, raising a fist as he rushed out the nearest door. A split-second later he crashed into a really tall Desian.

"Damn!" he shouted as the Desian jumped back in surprise. "How many of you are there in this place?"

"Two hundred and fourteen," the Desian replied. Then he yanked out his sword and leapt at Lloyd, who had only a second to duck. Spinning around, he shoved his sword at the Desian's exposed back. He missed, but the Desian screamed in fear and fainted, so Lloyd was OK with it. He continued his march down the high tech hallway.

Lloyd had just reached a big and exciting room when angry voices echoed from the hallway behind him.

"C'mon, you moron, he went this way!"

"Yikes!" Lloyd had just enough time to leap into a hole that was conveniently placed in the floor in front of him before a pair of Desians burst into the room.

"Where'd he go? Where'd he go?" one gasped. The other shrugged.

"You don't think he's hiding in that hole in the middle of the room over there, do you?"

"Nah, he wouldn't be that stupid," the first Desian laughed. "That's where Lord Botta keeps his pet scorpions." Lloyd bit back a scream as something pinched his left toe.

"Oh, yeah," the second Desian chuckled. "Well, let's get out of here. Maybe we missed that kid in the last room or something."

Lloyd waited until he heard the high tech sliding door slam shut before he leapt at least ten feet in the air, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Get it off me get it off me get it off mee!" Jumping on the spot, Lloyd spent several minutes plucking scorpions off his person. At last, after he declared himself scorpion-free and had plastered himself in band-aids, Lloyd scurried to the door.

"Uh oh," Lloyd wiggled the doorknob. It was locked. "Oh, great." Lloyd sighed. He raised his hands to the heavens and called: "Is this punishment for not doing my homework?"

Just then, a bolt of lightning shot from his right middle finger and blew the door right off it's hinges. Lloyd gaped at the scorched doorway, and then at the Sorcerer's Ring on his finger. At last, he shook his head and stepped through the door.

He avoided some more Desians, used his super convenient if not rather violent ring to solve intense puzzles, and finally found himself in a new and exciting hallway. Inauspiciously, there were at least twenty Desians in the hall. They were grouped into a closely packed circle, but Lloyd couldn't see what they were all looking at. He could guess, however, judging by the group's unceasing chant: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Lloyd pressed himself against the high tech wall and, being very very quiet, tiptoed past the congregation and into yet another room. Glancing only briefly at the richly decorated walls, Lloyd let out a huge sigh.

"Phew, that was close," Lloyd grinned and, seeing as how he'd just cleverly escaped a bunch of Desians and all, did a happy dance.

"And just who the hell are you?"

"YEEARGH!" Lloyd leaped a few feet in the air and spun around. Standing by the door, where Lloyd had apparently not seen him, stood a certain blue-haired man. He was wearing a dark cloak and a look of disgust.

"And what the hell kind of dance was that? It was terrible! Actually..." the man tapped his chin thoughtfully. "It kind of reminds me of someone I know. Who are you supposed to be?"

After having his dancing skills totally shot down, Lloyd was eager to regain any sort of pride. So, he resorted to an old tactic: "Gimme your name, and I shall give you mine,"

The man chucked. "Ah ha ha ha! You certainly have guts," he held out his hand, in which a sparkly pink sphere of electricity appeared. A very familiar sparkly pink sphere of electricity. Aiming the magic energy stuff at Lloyd's big head, the man continued, "But, I'm afraid I don't see the need to introduce myself to a miserable little creature like you."

Lloyd shrugged, acting indifferent. "Oh, what a coincidence. 'Cause I don't see the need to introduce myself to a moron who doesn't realize how pathetic he is."

"Oh, come ON!" the man groaned. "Is that the best you can do? What kind of comeback was that?"

Lloyd thought for a moment. "Yo' mama's ugly," he said at last.

Apparently forgetting all about his magic, the man grabbed Lloyd by his collar and proceeded to beat his face in.

"Ah! Wait wai-OW-wait!" Lloyd tried to cover his face with his hands. The man stopped in mid punch.

"An exshpere?" he gasped, seeing the glittering gem on the swordsman's hand. "Then you're... Lloyd?"

Lloyd grinned and felt a tooth leave his mouth. "And if I am?"

The man held the poor boy out at arms length. "Heh," he shrugged. "I see the resemblance,"

Lloyd was saved the need to reply by an interruption in the form of that pointy haired half-elf from Chapter One. Remember him? He was looking almost as bad as Lloyd; his lip was bloody and his left eye was swollen shut.

"Sorry sir!" he saluted with a heavily bandaged hand. "That new guy was being a bastard, so I had to teach him a - eh, is this a bad time?" his eyes dropped onto his boss, who was pinning a bruised and bloody Lloyd to the floor. The bluehead quickly stood up.

"Er, no," he straightened his cloak awkwardly.

"Hey!" Lloyd hollered from the floor. "You're that Desian who attacked Martel Temple!"

"Eh?" Botta glanced down. "Oh! So **this** is Lloyd! Now this _is_ amusing!"

"Botta, what happened to your face?" the blue haired man pointed to his underling.

"Eh?" Botta rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Well, y'know, sir, it was that new guy, Joe. He was being a jerk, so I punched him, but then he punched me back and-" he broke off at the glare his boss gave him. From his seat on the ground, Lloyd remembered the fight he'd witnessed outside the room with sudden understanding.

"Er... oh yeah!" the half-elf snapped his fingers. "I just remembered, sir, the Chosen and her group are on their way!"

"Gah!" his boss flung his hands up in frustration. "You're useless, you know that? Why didn't you tell me this earlier? You know our plans will be ruined if he sees me." he crossed his arms and glared at his subordinate. "Look, I'm leaving this Lloyd kid and the Chosen to you. Try not to fail me utterly, OK?"

"Y-yes sir," the poor abused half-elf saluted again. His boss turned to Lloyd, who lay broken and bleeding on the floor.

"Lloyd, the next time we meet, you're mine,"

There was a moment of silence.

"EURGH!" Lloyd stared at the bluehead in horror. "Stay away from me, you fag! Pedophile! Help me!"

"Not like that, you-" he broke off at the sound of voices outside the door. Scowling, he ran away.

Lloyd turned his horrified gaze to Botta, who stared back in equal repulsion. They stared for a minute or two before Colette, followed by Kratos and Genis, stormed into the room.

"Lloyd!" Genis shouted, getting on everybody's nerves instantly.

"Lloyd! ZOMG!" Colette clapped her hands over her mouth. "Are you OK? Are you hurt?"

Lloyd glared at the blonde through a black eye and spat out another bloody tooth.

"He, uh, he looks fine..." Kratos grumbled, staring determinedly away from the teen. Lloyd opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by an insane laugh from above him.

"Perfect!" Botta exclaimed, dropping his 'sidekick' voice immediately. "Now I can take care of this Lloyd kid and the Chosen all at once!"

"Do you honestly believe you can take on all of us at once?" Kratos asked.

"Seriously, dude," Genis nodded in agreement.

"Nonsense! A man can do anything if he believes in himself!" laughing maniacally, the pointy-haired man pulled a big heavy sword out of nowhere and leapt at Colette, who screamed and tripped. With a loud yelp, Botta tumbled over the Chosen and landed flat on his face. He stood up to find three swords and a kendama pointed at his nose.

"Eh..." he blinked. "That was quick. I, uh, I guess I underestimated you!" With that, the defeated sidekick dropped his sword and ran for it.

"Wow!" Lloyd exclaimed, pressing a gloved hand to his nose in an attempt to stop it from bleeding. "He totally sucks, doesn't he?"

"Hmph," Kratos hmphed and sheathed his sword.

"Hey, isn't this-?" the quartet spun around to find Raine near the door, examining Botta's oversized sword.

"Professor Sage!" Lloyd yelped. "What're you doing here?"

"Ah, Lloyd," Raine looked up. "I heard what happened at the village from Genis." she glared at her brother, who started shaking so badly he nearly tumbled to the ground. "I taught him the error of his ways, trust me."

"Ah, er..." Lloyd grinned uncertainly. "No, it was my fault. Sorry about that."

"This is hardly the time to be chatting," Kratos said, giving them all a scary look.

"Chatting?" Colette giggled. "That's a funny word; chatting. Chatting. Chatting. Hee hee!"

Lloyd, Kratos, Raine, and Genis all gave Colette a good long stare.

"Er, let's go," Lloyd finally spoke up.

And so the group crawled out a window that Lloyd had neglected to notice earlier. Then they skedaddled their asses outta there quicker n' a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of July with a- well, you get the idea.

So, anyway, they headed off through the desert. Soon they met up with Noishe, who always manages to pop up at the end of a chapter, and headed off as one big happy group into the desert sunset.

And so their adventure officially began.


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you for the reviews, you wonderful, amazing people. If it weren't for you... well, I'd be sad. D: And I'd probably stop writing, or something HORRIBLE LIKE THAT.

And we all know what a tragedy that would be.

On another note, I got a lot of help from my sister for this chapter. It refused to be written. So she wrote some for me. :D Sisters are amazing creatures, that they are.

**--**

**Chapter Six**

"Let's go to the pool!" Lloyd shouted as he and his posse stepped into the dusty town of Triet.

"No," Kratos replied shortly.

"I wanna go to the pool!" Colette cried, already in her bathing suit.

Raine sighed. "There is no swimming pool in Triet. Let's go to the inn instead."

"Huh?" Colette looked confused. "Don't all hotels have swimming pools?"

"Yes, but this is an inn."

"Oooooooooh!" said the kids.

And so they headed for the swimming pool-less inn.

--

"So, what you're saying is, all I've gotta do is put this exsphere on my hand and it will make me stronger?" Raine asked hours later, holding out the exsphere she had found on Botta's sword.

"Yes," Kratos said, looking annoyed. "That's what we've been telling you for the past few hours,"

Raine looked thoughtful. "So... what you're saying is, all I've gotta do is put this exsphere on my hand and it will make me stronger?"

"YES!" everyone shouted.

"But... this exsphere was on that Desian's sword. How did it make _him_ stronger?"

"Er..." Lloyd scratched his head. "I have no idea..."

"Anyway," Kratos continued with his lecture. "You can't actually wear the exsphere unless it has a Key Crest, which it does not."

"A Key Crest?" Raine repeated.

"Yeah, I could make one!" Lloyd raised his hand. "But you need the special inhibitor ore, which I don't have."

"Hm..." Raine looked thoughtful. "Well, I don't know about any inhibitor ore, but I've got this magical glowing rock thing here in my pocket." so saying, she pulled a glowing rock from her pocket.

"Hey, wow!" Lloyd leapt to his feet. "That's a Key Crest! Or, it was a Key Crest at one point..." he examined the rock, which looked like someone had taken a bite out of it.

"Hmph," Kratos hmphed. "You won't be able to use it like that,"

"That's OK!" Lloyd snatched the would-be Key Crest from his teacher. "I'll fix it for you!" And with that, the excited teen scurried from the room.

"He sure does get excited easily..." Genis groaned. "Well, I'm going to bed."

"Oh, I wanna come with you!" Colette jumped up. "I'm so sleepy!" She giggled and skipped from the room, dragging a bewildered Genis with her.

Kratos heaved a sigh. "Is this really the group that's going to save the world...?"

"Yes, I suppose so," Raine replied curtly. "Well, I'm going to my room."

"Where am I going to sleep?"

"With Lloyd,"

"WHAT?" Kratos looked pretty damn scared.

"Oh, you know what I mean," Raine sighed. "In Lloyd's room."

That didn't seem to make the mercenary feel any better. "But, why do I have to sleep with _him_?"

"Well, you're certainly not sleeping with Colette, and Genis is sleeping in my room." Raine crossed her arms. "Why does it matter?"

Kratos was blushing furiously. "I-I, eh, n-no, it doesn't m-matter. I-I'll just be going, then..." And so he did.

Raine shrugged. "That Kratos guy sure is weird. Actually... so is Lloyd, and Colette, and Genis."

And on that happy note, the Professor headed to her room.

--

"Yes!" Lloyd shouted, raising a fist into the air several hours later. "It's finally done!"

"Shaddup!" Kratos yelled back. "I'm trying to sleep!"

So Lloyd hurried from the room, taking the completed Key Crest with him.

"Ra-Aaaaine!" Lloyd called as he walked through the Professor's door.

"GAAHH!" Lloyd heard Raine scream, followed by a loud thud

"I made you your Key-er, professor? Why are you on the ground?" Lloyd asked, noting his teacher on the ground with a toppled chair lying next to her.

"Lloyd! Give me warning before you come barging into my room!" Raine scolded, standing up.

"I did!" Lloyd objected. "Didn't you hear me yelling?"

"Yes, I heard your vociferation!" Raine said irritably, "Well? What do you want?"

"What the hell does voicifaliton... voicerfatation... vercatila... what does that mean?" Lloyd whined.

"It means to shut the hell up!"

"Yeah. Well anyhoo, I finished your Key Crest!" Lloyd held out the said Key Crest.

"That's not a Key Crest!" Raine pointed at the accessory accusingly. "That's a bracelet!"

"I know. See it... the inhibitor ore is the accessory, and the exsphere is... the Key Crest with the bracelet makes it an inhibitor ore? No wait! I, er...um..."

Raine gave Lloyd a perplexed look.

"Maybe it was the exshpere that makes the Key Crest look like an inhibitor ore, with bracelet-like qualities? No that wasn't it! Uhhhhh..." Lloyd glanced at Raine, "Um, just take it, OK?"

"Thank you, Lloyd! But you really didn't need to stay up so late just to make this for me," Raine said, examining the Key Crest.

"Well yeah, I guess I should have finished it in the morning. I mean-"

"Just because I said you didn't need to, doesn't mean you didn't _have_to. I was beginning to wonder if you were even working on it at all! Honestly, Lloyd Irving! It took you long enough!"

"Um, yeah. Alright then..." Lloyd backed away from Raine. Scanning the room, his gaze fell on Genis, who was snuggled in a bed near the door.

"Awww, look at Genis! He looks so cute asleep! I just wanna pinch his nose! In fact..." Lloyd smiled an evil grin. Quietly, he leaned over the elf and pinched his nose.

"Gerhessaa!" Genis shook his head violently.

"Whoa!" Lloyd jumped back.

"Stupid boys!" Raine hissed under her breath. And with that she kicked Lloyd out of the room.

"Well, **that** wasn't very nice!" Lloyd said, rubbing his sore buttocks. He looked up to find himself in front of another door. "Hey! This is Colette's room!" He looked at the door for a moment, before a wicked grin crossed his face and he silently crept into Colette's room.

"Awww! Colette is even cuter when she's asleep!" Lloyd whispered to himself, looking at the sleeping Chosen.

"Gahh, cofee...mofee, lofee, gofee!" Colette groaned in her sleep. "Lets go the pool...at school, 'cause that's cool, you fool, you look like a ghoul!"

"And apparently just as bad at rhyming!" Lloyd said aloud. "Oh shit!" Lloyd slapped a gloved hand over his mouth.

"Hmm? Lloyd is that you?" Colette asked, groggily sitting up.

"Err, hey Colette!" Lloyd said blushing, "This is your room! Sorry I was looking for the umm... the... sauna! Yeah that's right! The sauna!"

"Oh, really? But the Professor said that there wasn't a sauna _or_ a pool in this inn!" Colette frowned.

"Oh yeah... I err... I just forgot."

"That's OK, Lloyd! I forget things all the time, too!" Colette smiled brainlessly, "So, uhh, where are we again?"

"...Good night, Colette." Lloyd backed out the door.

"Good night, Lloyd!"

Lloyd quietly shut the door behind him. Something at the bottom of the stairs caught his eye. "Hey! Isn't that Kratos?" Lloyd shouted.

Kratos, whom had been walking to the door, turned around. Lloyd ducked, nearly falling down the stairs. The mercenary shrugged and walked out the door.

"Where they hell is he going?" Lloyd shouted, "Should I follow him?"

Lloyd waited for a second.

"Ok then! Let's follow him!" Lloyd cried out.

"Shut up, Lloyd!" Raine yelled, popping her head out her door.

"Er, s-sorry, Professor," Lloyd whispered, seeing that Raine was brandishing a chair like a weapon.

So the swordsman tiptoed out the door. He heard Kratos talking outside, and snuck up behind him.

"I want you to take care of Lloyd for me, Noishe," the purple-clad man was saying. "And - Hey, don't you give me that look!" Kratos pointed at the big blue and white dog.

"Whine," Noishe whined.

"Don't use that tone of voice with me!" Kratos said angrily.

"Erm, Kratos?" Lloyd asked tentatively from behind the man.

Kratos flung his sword out, cutting off some of Lloyd's hair.

"AAIIIIEEE! My hair!" Lloyd screamed, throwing his hands over his head.

"Er, Lloyd!" Kratos quickly put his sword away, "You, uh, you'd best not stand behind me!"

"I won't! Not after what you did to my beautiful hair!" Lloyd sobbed. He started picking up the bits of his hair that had been sliced off, one by one. "Now I have _split ends_! It's like a nightmare!"

"Uh, I'm sorry?" Kratos said, patting Lloyd on the back.

"Don't touch me, you fag! Look what you did to my hair!" Lloyd pointed to his sliced hair.

"You-you look fine. Just fine." Kratos said encouragingly.

"Really?" Lloyd looked up.

"Yeah, you er, you look much better now!" Kratos nodded approvingly.

"You wouldn't happen to have a mirror, would you?" Lloyd asked, feeling his cut hair. "I need to see how great I look with this new hair cut!"

"Er, no." Kratos said quickly.

"Oh well. I guess I'll just see it tomorrow!" Lloyd grinned.

"Um, r-right."

"Do you like animals?" Lloyd asked, changing the subject completely.

"No, not really." Kratos replied, trying hard not to make eye contact with Lloyd.

"Well, Noishe seems to be quite comfortable with you. He usually doesn't like strangers." Lloyd pointed out. "Did you ever have a pet?"

"I had a pet once, long ago. It was-" Kratos stopped.

"It was what?"

"Er, it was a-a...cat?" Kratos said, unsure if Lloyd would buy it.

"Cat? What the hell is that?" Lloyd demanded.

"You've never seen a cat?" Kratos asked, stunned.

"Nope. Only dogs and other rodents."

"A dog isn't a rodent, Lloyd." Kratos shook his head.

"Whatever! So, what is a cat?"

"It's a... er, a... L-Lloyd! Your sword skills suck! You need more practice!" Kratos turned quickly and walked back to the inn.

"Gahh!" Lloyd screamed in frustration. "Just because he's a little better than me, he has to act like he knows everything! Er, well, he is actually a whole hell of a lot better than me. Dammit!" His self-confidence once again demolished, Lloyd followed Kratos back into the inn.

--

"Good morning, everyone!" Lloyd called, spreading his arms in greeting to the members of his posse who were gathered before him. Genis rolled his eyes, Kratos turn red and looked away, and Colette waved pleasantly.

"Good morning, Lloyd!" she said. Her expression changed, however, when she caught sight of her friend's hair. "Ew, Lloyd, your hair is-"

Kratos elbowed the Chosen roughly.

"Er, it's, uh... it looks great, Lloyd!" she gave the swordsman a thumbs-up, which he returned. Genis looked up skeptically.

"Great? It looks horrific!" Genis spat. Kratos sent him a really scary glare.

"Horrific?" Lloyd blinked. "Does that mean totally beautiful and awesome?"

"Er..." Kratos nodded eagerly. "Yes, yes! Your hair looks beautiful and awesome!"

Lloyd grinned and joined his friends. He was just reaching for a muffin when Professor Raine came down the stairs behind him.

"Good morning, Professor Sage!" he called, waving. "You're looking horrific today!"

Raine punched him in the face, leaving the poor youth terribly confused.

"Shall we go to the Triet ruins now?" she asked, rubbing her knuckles where they had been bruised against Lloyd's thick head.

"Yes," Kratos said. "That would be in our best interest, I believe,"

"OK, let's go!" Colette said, giggling. She stood up and took two steps towards the door before she toppled face-first into the floor.

"It's going to be a long trip..." Genis groaned.


	7. Chapter 7

Ha. I love Remiel's songs. He's a friggin' genius!

--

**Chapter Seven**

And it was a long trip. The group plodded through the hot and smelly desert for several hours. The journey was lengthy and dangerous, and included scorpions, snakes, giant worms, and creepy blue-eyed black blob things.

At last, Lloyd and his posse arrived at the gates of the Triet Ruins. The ruins were ancient and crumbled. Raine gave a girlish shriek and tackled the nearest rock.

"Um, Professor Sage...?" Lloyd came up behind his teacher slowly.

"Stay back!" she whipped around, clutching the rock and staring at Lloyd with an insane glint in her eye. "It's mine, you hear me? MINE!" She cackled demoniacally and tackled another rock.

"Oh, this is simply amazing! Look at the smooth texture! It must be polycarbonate, developed during the ancient war to resist magic. Ooooh! Feel that smooth surface? It's absolutely wonderful!"

Kratos, Lloyd, Genis, and Colette stared at Raine as she leapt from ruin to ruin, mumbling hysterically to herself.

"Is... is she always like this?" Kratos asked uncertainly.

Lloyd looked at Genis. "Er, is she?"

"Um..." Genis shrugged. "Ah, I've been trying so hard to hide it, too."

"Uh, Professor Sage?" Colette called. In one swift leap, Raine tackled the Chosen and pinned her to the wall.

"You can't have any of it, you hear me? It's MINE! This is historical evidence, and if you put a single chosen finger on it, I swear, I'll-"

"P-p-professor!" Colette gasped. "I just wanted to know what that pillar over there is. It has my family's crest on it..."

"Omygod!" Raine gasped. She dropped Colette and hurried to the pillar. "Look! This depression, it reads: Oracle Stone. OHMYGOD, this is so cool! Colette, try putting your hand here!"

Colette hesitated. There was no telling what Professor Sage might do to her if the Chosen wandered too close.

"Um, but, Professor..." she didn't get to finish, because Raine grabbed her hand, ripped it off, and threw it on the pillar. It lay there bleeding for a moment, then there was a bright flash of light. Everyone covered their eyes with their hands, except for Colette who didn't have one. When the light was gone, a door on the ground slid open.

"That's it?" Lloyd asked incredulously. "That was lame!"

Nonetheless, the group grabbed Colette's severed hand and dove into the depths of the mysterious hole in the ground.

"Jeez, it sure is hot down here," Lloyd moaned, tugging at his collar. "Like, even hotter than outside."

"This is supposed to be the Seal of Fire," Genis pointed out. "Of course it's hot."

Soon, the group found a room filled with tiny, crumbling bridges standing lopsidedly over a boiling pit of lava.

"Hm, this looks safe," Kratos said.

"Um, Kratos? We're standing on a decaying bridge over a boiling pit of french-fried death," Lloyd pointed out.

"I was being sarcastic, Lloyd,"

"Oh! Right! I gotcha!" Lloyd gave the mercenary a thumbs-up. Kratos heaved a sigh.

"Well, let's go," said Genis. And they did.

--

After braving the depths of the sizzling hole in the ground, solving many intricate and confusing puzzles, lighting some candles, and fighting giant geese, the group finally reached the seal room.

"Phew," Lloyd moaned. "It's so hot. I wanna leave soon."

"We have to release the seal first," Kratos pointed out.

"I know that! You don't have to-"

Just then, there was an explosion of fire, and out of the darkness leapt a big, red, pointy dog. It howled at the group before tackling Lloyd.

"YEARGH! Get it off me!" Lloyd screamed. Kratos unsheathed his sword and started hacking away at the dog. It stumbled backwards, so that Lloyd could stand up and yoink out his own blades. He joined the mercenary in viciously poking the dog monster.

"I'll help!" Genis shouted. He pulled out his kendama and started a spell. "Fireball!" he cried as said fireballs shot towards the dog. Unfortunately, the fire seemed to only make the dog stronger.

"Dammit, Genis!" Lloyd snapped, as the dog lit his boot on fire. "That didn't help at all, you loser!"

"Well, at least I- woah!" Genis ducked as the dog took a swipe at his white head.

"I'll save you, Genis!" Colette cried cheerfully. She swung her chakram around her head, but tripped. With a loud _thwonk_, her chakram planted itself firmly in the back of Lloyd's head.

"D'oh!" he yelped, falling to the ground.

"Oops! Sorry Lloyd!" Colette giggled.

The dog, who had just leapt to take a bite out of the Chosen's head, stumbled over Lloyd's body as he lay there, twitching. It slammed into the wall, knocking over an old and crumbling pillar as it fell.

Raine screamed.

"OH MY GOD! You stupid dog, you destroyed that ruin! I'm gonna KILL YOU!" And, with nothing but her bare hands, the Professor tackled the dog and proceeded to rip it to shreds. The children and Kratos stared in various states of shock as the dog monster was slowly and painfully torn asunder. At last the Professor stepped away from the bleeding remains of dog, wiping off her coat briskly.

"Well, Colette?" she snapped, and the Chosen jumped to her feet, looking terrified. "Aren't you going to release the seal?"

"Y-y-ye-yes ma'am!" Colette stuttered. She stepped over the dog monster's severed head and onto a magical-looking platform. She clasped her hands and bowed her head, then said: "Oh, Goddess Martel, great protector and nurturer of the earth, grant me thy strength!"

Everyone blinked.

"That's it?" Lloyd cried. "She just says some stupid prayer? _That's_ what we came all this way for?"

Just then, in an explosion of light and feathers, Remiel the angel of cool hair appeared.

"**Good job, Colette,**

**And now I shall,**

**grant you cool angel powers,**

**because I am your pal!**"

Everyone in the room groaned. Then Colette grew wings.

"Woah!" Lloyd shouted. "Colette just grew wings!"

"Yeah, they're all pink and sparkly!" Genis added.

Remiel nodded. "**Yeah, now you look like an angel. BUT, the angel trial will not be without pain.**"

"I humbly accept this trial," Colette said.

"**Cool,**" Remiel paused a moment, then leapt into a mid air dance.

"**So, go to the water seal,**

**far to the east and across the sea,**

**you'll be closer to being an angel,**

**so don't... stop for... tea...?**"

In another burst of feathers, Remiel had vanished.

"Bye!" Colette called, waving. Then, she somehow managed to trip in midair, and came crashing down on Genis' head.

"Oops, sorry!" she giggled. Genis stood up and started ogling over the Chosen's new wings.

"Wow, that's so damn cool!" he moaned.

"Yeah, isn't it?" Colette replied with a smile.

"So..." Lloyd interrupted. "That Remiel guy said that the next seal was across the sea! That means we get to go in a boat! Ha, I can't wait!"

"Yeah, but I dunno if there will be any ships sailing nowadays," Raine pointed out, looking almost hopeful.

"Then, we'll just have to swim!" Lloyd laughed. Raine turned green.

"Let's just get out of here," Kratos sighed.

"OK!" said everyone. Colette's wings disappeared, and the happy little group climbed back up into the cooler but still really hot desert.

"Well, shall we get the hell outta here?" Lloyd asked. Everyone nodded, but just as they started to leave, Colette toppled to the ground.

"Woah!" Genis laughed. "Colette, you trip way to much!"

Colette didn't move.

"Uh, uh-oh," Lloyd blinked. Everyone rushed to the Chosen's side as she slowly woke up.

"Uhh, guh, ugh," she moaned.

"Yikes, she's totally sick!" Raine said. "Look; her lips are turning purple! We've gotta get to a doctor!"

"Wait a minute," Kratos interjected. "Remember what that angel with cool hair said? To become an angel, the Chosen needs to overcome a trial. We probably should try not to move her."

"Huh?" Lloyd, who had already dragged Colette's limp body across the ruins and towards the desert, looked up. "If you say so, I guess..." he shrugged and dropped the Chosen, who gave a tiny shriek as she hit the sandy ground.

"Um, let's set up camp, then," Genis said. And so they did.

--

"Colette, are you feeling better now?" Lloyd asked several hours later. The group sat around a fire; Kratos sitting off a ways with Noishe, Genis drifting off to sleep, and Raine making out with some artifacts she had taken from the Triet Ruins.

Colette glanced up from her untouched dinner with a grin.

"Yup. I don't feel like my arms are being pulled apart by two angry rhinoceroses anymore!"

"That's good, but-" Lloyd pointed to the Chosen's dinner. "-if you're feeling better, you should eat your dinner!"

"I will," she said cheerfully. Then, eager to change the subject, she asked, "So, Lloyd, how's my birthday present coming?"

"Oh, I'll go get it for you!" Lloyd said, turning on heel to grab the necklace. As soon as his back was turned, Colette fed her dinner to Noishe. She sat back up with a grin just as Lloyd was returning.

"Wow, you sure are a fast eater!" he noticed. Colette coughed nervously. "So, yeah, here's your birthday present!" He held out a very pretty necklace.

Colette stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd smiled back.

"Um, Lloyd?" Colette asked slowly. "The necklace... it's... broken,"

"Gah! Are you serious?" Lloyd examined the necklace closely. It looked as though a really big green and white dog who's name might or might not have been Noishe had taken a bite out of it.

"How the heck did that happen?"

Noishe gave a nervous whine through a mouthful mashed potatoes.

"Well, I'll make you a new one, OK?"

"Alright," said Colette. "Just try and get it to me before my _next _birthday, huh?"

"O-of course..."

"I think I'm gonna go for a walk," Colette announced, standing up and dusting herself off.

"You want me to come with you?" Lloyd asked.

"No, not really," Colette smiled at the swordsman before turning and walking away.

"Ha ha!" Genis laughed from across the camp fire. "You got re-ject-ed!"

Lloyd punched the elf in the face. "Hey, shut up, Genis!" Then Genis started crying, and Raine smacked Lloyd for making such a racket, and Lloyd whined that he hadn't done anything but punch Genis in the face, which made Genis cry even harder, which made Noishe start howling, which forced Kratos to resist killing them all.

Meanwhile, off a ways across the desert, Colette was having an insane coughing fit.

"Urg," she wheezed. "Wh-cough-wha-ack-what's ha-ha-ckoo happening t-to cough cough wheeze m-me?"


	8. Chapter 8

Just wanted to tell you guys, I downloaded Microsoft Word onto my laptop. You shouldn't really notice a difference, since the chapters I've posted so far were written a while ago, when I had another word program. Some of the newer chapters, which you guys won't get to read for a while, were written on Word Pad. Which means, no Spell Check. :O

Just a little look into my life... ah, well, enjoy the chapter. :)

**--**

**Chapter Eight**

The next morning, the group decided that the best way to get 'far to the east and across the sea' was to head east until they hit the sea. So, they gathered up their stuff and started walking east.

"Man, I'm so glad we finally get to leave this desert!" Lloyd moaned. "I can't wait to jump in the ocean and soak it in for a few years."

"Look! The first blade of grass we've seen in a week!" Genis pointed to the said blade of grass. Everyone gathered around to see it, until Noishe pushed through and ate it.

"What are you, a horse?" Lloyd asked, annoyed.

"Whine," said Noishe.

--

Soon, the happy little group was surrounded by blades of grass, as well as a tall mountain range.

"What the hell?" Lloyd looked peeved. "How are we supposed to get around this?"

"There's a pass around here somewhere," Raine said. "It's called Ossa Trail."

"We should be careful," Kratos pointed out. "We might be attacked or something,"

"You're so paranoid, Kratos," Genis said as he pulled out his map. He pointed to a little dip through the mountains. "I think this might be it,"

Colette leaned over his shoulder. "You mean that dot that says 'Ossa Trail'?"

Lloyd pointed to a clean little path between the mountains. "You mean that trail over there with a sign that says 'Ossa Trail'?"

"Um..." Genis blinked. "Yeah."

So, the group headed for the trail over there with the sign that said 'Ossa Trail'. It was a lot farther than it had seemed, but they made it without any serious injuries.

"Well, Lloyd, I hope you learned your lesson," Raine was saying. "Don't provoke giant bunnies with laser beams attached to their freaking heads,"

Lloyd whimpered.

"C'mon, let's get through the pass quickly." Kratos urged. "This place is too confined, and the footing is poor. We don't want to be attacked or anything,"

"You're too paranoid, Kratos," Lloyd laughed. Just then, a figure dressed in purple fell from the sky and pinned Lloyd to the ground.

"W-woah!" cried everyone except Lloyd, who's face was pressed into the ground and said something more along the lines of, "Mmfghm!"

The figure straightened, proving to be a pair of boobs with a black-haired girl attached.

"Is the Chosen of Mana among you?" she asked importantly.

"Oh!" Colette waved her hand in the air. "That's me!"

The woman smirked. "Prepare to die!" And, in one swift motion, she had jumped off Lloyd and leapt at Colette. Colette gave a little shriek and, in her surprise, fell forward.

_Boing_.

With a jiggle, Colette landed face-first in the assassin's chest. Lloyd, Kratos, and Genis all suffered from heavy nosebleeds simultaneously. Raine slapped a hand over her eyes. The woman cried out and, her face glowing, jumped back. Colette clapped a hand over her tainted face.

"Aaah! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!" she wailed. She took a step forward towards the violated girl, but the assassin backed away. One step too far. With a shriek, the mysterious assassin tumbled into a conveniently placed hole in the ground.

There was a moment of silence.

"That... was really weird," Genis finally spoke.

"Uh, yeah..." Kratos nodded.

"Let's... let's just get out of here," Professor Raine led the way up the mountain, her face still a deep shade of red. The rest of the group hurried after her, eager to leave the strange incident behind them.

--

"Yeah, so, why do you think that girl wanted to kill Colette?" Lloyd asked, a few hours later, as he and his posse were heading down the other side of the mountain pass.

"There are always those who reject salvation," Kratos replied sagely.

"Kratos, that doesn't even make sense,"

"Yes it does! Your stupid teenage mind is just too small to understand!"

"What's that you said?"

"Your _stupid teenage mind_ is just too _small_ to understand!"

"That's it, I'm gonna-"

"Hey, look!" Colette interrupted, grabbing a hold on Lloyd's arm before he could kill Kratos. "You can see the ocean from here!"

"Where?" Genis stared hard at the horizon. "I don't see it!"

"The ocean should still be too far away to see," Raine said, consulting her brother's map.

"Oh, um," Colette flushed. "Er, actually, it was just a... a bird! Yeah, I thought it was the ocean. Silly me," she giggled, leaving the rest of the group flabbergasted.

"Er, OK then," Lloyd shrugged. "Well, I guess we made it through the pass without that weirdo assassin coming after us again," Just then, a wooden wall behind on the mountain crashed down on the unfortunate teen's head. And, behind the wall, with her evil smirk and monstrous boobs, stood the assassin.

"Thought you'd get rid of me that easy, did'ja?" she called. Then she blinked, eyeing the group. "Where's that idiot in red that was with you?"

"M'm mmndrr hrrr!" came Lloyd's voice from beneath the wall. The assassin leapt off the wood, and poor Lloyd pulled himself out.

"You're gonna pay for that, bitch! I'm gonna... gonna..." Lloyd trailed off as his gaze fell on the woman's chest. Another spurt of blood gushed from his nostrils.

"Ew," the assassin backed away. "What's your problem, weirdo? Get away from... oh!" she suddenly whipped out a handful of cards. "That's right, I'm trying to kill you! Better watch out!"

With that, the woman leapt at Colette, but was intercepted by Kratos, who swung his sword at her black head. She ducked and retaliated, flinging a card at the mercenary. He dodged, and the card imbedded itself in a tree behind him.

While she searched her pockets for another card, Genis scurried behind her and swung his kendama, hitting the red ball squarely against her head.

"D'oh!" gripping the bruise forming on her head, the assassin yoinked out another handful of cards and swung them at Genis, cleanly slicing his left arm off.

"Holy crap!" Genis cried, gripping the bloody stub that was once a working arm.

"First aid," Raine called offhandedly, and in a burst of green magic, Genis grew a brand new arm.

From behind the elf came Lloyd, who wildly swung his swords at the assassin, who dodged easily. Then from her other side, Kratos swung a bit more expertly at her head, and the assassin was forced to retreat a few steps.

"Uh," the assassin blinked and pulled out another card. "I don't like the odds here." She held the card before her, and in a flash of light, a really creepy bird-like creature appeared. "Alright, creepy bird-creature, let's go!"

Now faced with a large chested assassin _and_ a creepy bird-creature, Lloyd and company decided they needed a plan.

"I'll take the chick," Lloyd shouted. "And Kratos, you take the bird-thing,"

Kratos glared. "Lloyd, that assassin is clearly at a completely different skill level than you. I'll handle her; you take the bird,"

"No way!" Lloyd shouted. "I don't want to fight the bird, the bird is lame!"

"You're lame! Now, you take the freaking bird, and-"

"No! I won't I won't I won't!"

"You stupid brat!"

"GRAAAAH!" With a bellow like a giant grasshopper, Lloyd charged at Kratos. He tried to thrust his sword into the mercenary's chest, but Kratos leapt to the side and swung at Lloyd's exposed back. Lloyd toppled to the ground in an attempt to dodge Kratos' sword. Instead of standing up, he grabbed the mercenary's legs and pushed him to the ground.

Completely forgetting about his swords, Lloyd started punching every inch of Kratos that he could reach. In his anger, he didn't notice the magic circle appear underneath Kratos.

"Lightning!" Kratos shouted, and the said bolt of lightning shot from the sky and struck Lloyd directly on the forehead.

"Aaaaaaah..." Lloyd toppled to the ground with a defeated sizzle. Kratos stood up and dusted himself off.

Everyone blinked.

"Er..." the assassin looked utterly confused, and more than a bit freaked out. Kratos took a step towards her, sword held out, and she screamed and ran away.

"I-I swear I will kill you all next time!" she called over her shoulder, before vanishing along with her bird buddy in a puff of smoke.

"Er..." Colette blinked. "I think we won..."

"Lloyd's kind of... out, though," Genis pointed out. Lloyd moaned. "Whatever. About that assassin; how did she fight with pieces of paper?"

"Forget that; how the hell did she vanish in a burst of smoke?"

"Those clothes..." Raine murmered, but everyone ignored her.

"We should get out of here," Kratos said. "Seriously, she could come back at any minute."

"You're too para-" Genis began, before everyone slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Um, let's go," said Colette.

And they did. Then, they realized they had forgotten Lloyd, and hurried back to find him charred and smoking as they had left him. So, Raine gave him an apple gel, and they all headed down the mountain again, Kratos making sure to stay far away from Lloyd.

--

The confused and slightly disturbed group headed across a big stretch of grassy plain before they finally saw the ocean on the horizon.

"Finally!" Lloyd moaned. "Man, I'm so sick of all this grass!"

"Weren't you just saying that you were 'sick of that desert' this morning?" Genis pointed out.

"Yeah, well, now I'm not!" Lloyd pouted.

"So, where are we headed?" Colette asked cheerfully.

Raine pulled the infamous map out of Genis' pocket and spread it before her. "We'll go to Izoold, this fishing village right here," she pointed out a little dot on the edge of the continent. "Then we'll try and catch a boat to Palmacosta, which is to the east and across the sea,"

"Palmacosta? Cool!" Genis jumped for joy. "That's the biggest city in the world!"

"Which, considering the state of the world, isn't really that big," Kratos shrugged.

"Well, anyway, it's to the east and across the sea, which is where we need to be!" Lloyd grinned. "Let's get going!"

And they did. It took a few rather uneventful hours to reach Izoold, and soon the happy little group stood before the happy little village.

"Ew, it smells like fish here!" Lloyd complained, pinching his nose to block out the smell.

"Well, it is a fishing village," Kratos pointed out. Lloyd blinked.

"Oh... yeah..."

"Do you think we should stay here for the night? I'm so sleepy!" Colette giggled and bounced up on her toes.

"Well, it is getting pretty late, and we've gotten pretty far today," Raine nodded. "OK, let's find an inn."

"Found one!" Colette pointed to a big billboard that read "INN", beneath which stood an... inn.

"Huh, cool," Lloyd said, and they all headed into the building.

--

Later that night, the group congregated in the hallway to say goodnight.

"So," Genis began, tugging at his Katz pajamas thoughtfully. "At the last seal, Colette grew wings, right? I wonder what will happen at the next seal?"

"Hm?" Colette blinked.

"Y'know, maybe you'll get an angel halo or something! I don't think it'll be horns or fangs. I mean, you are an angel after all, and-"

Raine punched her brother in the face. Then, she inaudibly pointed to Colette, who looked totally bummed out.

"It's... weird, isn't it?" she mumbled. Genis blinked.

"Err, well!" he clapped his hands cheerfully. "I'll see you wall in the morning!" The elf scurried into his room, followed by his angry sister.

Colette started crying, and Kratos blinked awkwardly.

"Er, I'll leave this to you, Lloyd," he said before running into his room.

"Um..." Lloyd patted Colette's head clumsily. She sniffled and smiled.

"Sorry. I've just had a big day, y'know? With that assassin and... and..."

"Her boobs?" Lloyd added helpfully.

"Er, no. Anyway, I'll see you in the morning, Lloyd." she waved shyly before stepping into her own room. Lloyd stood in the hallway, nervously chewing on his pajama sleeve, utterly confused.

"Wh-what the hell was that all about-?" he mumbled. At last, he shrugged. "Ah, well, I'm sure it's not important," he grinned. "Hah, I can't wait for tomorrow! We're gonna go on a ship and see the biggest city in the whole wide world and release the seal and eat seafood and-"

"SHUT UP, LLOYD!" Raine, Kratos, and Genis all screamed at the same time. Utterly terrified, Lloyd scurried into his room and dove under the covers.


	9. Chapter 9

Well, I write the chapters before I submit them, you know. I wrote this chapter quite a while ago, and have just been fixing it and rewriting it and proof reading it and all that stuff that really means the same thing since then.

I'm usually pretty good about writing chapters (probably a chapter a week at best), but since I've starting submitting chapters, I've been stuck on the same chapter. I've got all sorts of excuses (school, homework, stuff for DA) but the biggest reason is that Kingdom Hearts has been sucking up all of my inspiration. -bangs head against desk-

So, someday in the near future, I'll be updating much slower than I am now. Until then, ENJOY WHILE YOU CAN, FOOLS! -mwahaha-

**--**

**Chapter Nine**

"Goooooooood morning, Izoold! It's a bright and sunny morning here in the fishy little village of Izoold. This is the perfect day to maybe, you know, go out for a picnic, have a barbeque, take your dog for a walk, travel across the sea to Palmacosta to release the next seal and regenerate the world, or propose your love to that one special girl. This is Chet Youbetcha saying, good morning Izoold!"

As a cheerful little jingle played across the inn lobby, Lloyd moaned and dropped his head into his hands.

"What the hell is this?" he mumbled through his fingers. "Some evil way of scaring innocent kids out of bed?"

"I think it's cute!" Colette replied, humming along with the tune.

"You think everything's cute, Colette," Genis grumbled through a spoonful of Chosen-os©. Lloyd and Kratos both nodded in agreement. Colette was saved the trouble of replying when Professor Raine stepped into the room.

"Good morning, Professor Sage!" Lloyd and Colette chorused. Genis waved, his cheeks ballooned with cereal, and Kratos grabbed a muffin.

"'Morning," the Professor murmured, snatching the muffin out of Kratos' hands before he could take a bite. She chewed on it thoughtfully as she sat down.

"Well," she began, after swallowing a mouthful of blueberry muffin and ignoring Kratos' evil glare. "I think we should head to the docks and try and find a ship to Palmacosta."

"Clever idea, Professor," Lloyd remarked sarcastically, receiving a smack on the head in return.

"Well, I heard that not many ships have been going out," Kratos said, reaching for an orange instead. "Because the fisherman are afraid of being attacked by monsters."

"Monsters? No problem," Lloyd shrugged, grabbing the orange before Kratos could reach it. "We fight monsters all the time! If one attacks, we'll squash it, like a- well, like this!" Thus said, he squeezed the orange between his hands, spraying the entire group with orange juice.

"My eyes!" Colette wailed, rubbing her tender eyeballs furiously.

"Well, we'll just have to go to the dock, and see what we can see," Raine sighed, wiping her face clean and punching Lloyd again.

And so they did.

And, five hours later, they were still there, begging anyone who would listen for a ride to Palmacosta. Not many people would, and the ones who did were starting to get annoyed with the group. So, they headed back into the city to come up with a new plan.

"Let's just ask around here," Genis suggested. "I mean, there must be some tourists here, right?"

"Did someone say tourist?" A man popped up behind the elf, making him scream. "I'm a tourist!"

"Uh, OK," Lloyd nodded.

"So, how did you get here?" Raine asked.

The tourist grinned. "I got a ride from a guy named Aifread, hot stuff," he winked. Raine groaned.

"W-well, uh, where can w-we find this Aifread?" Genis pushed between the tourist and his sister defensively.

The man smiled over the boy's head. "I'll tell ya if you give me a kiss, sexy." He grinned at Raine, who punched him in the gut. The poor tourist collapsed.

"A-A-A-Aif-fread, r-right," he stuttered. "H-he went b-ba-ack to L-L-Luin. Haven't s-seen him in a-a-a-ages... er, bye!" Clutching his stomach, the tourist turned heel and wobbled away.

"Bastard," Raine mumbled, turning back to the crew. Kratos vowed to never cross the Professor again.

"Well, this sucks," Lloyd snapped. "Now what are we supposed to do?"

"Well, this Aifread won't be of much use, I guess," Kratos shrugged.

"Did someone say Aifread?" A woman popped up behind the mercenary, making him jump. "Have you seen him? Where is he?" The woman grabbed Kratos by the collar and pinned him against a wall, her face an inch from his. "Where is he? Tell me where he is!"

"Um, uh," Lloyd carefully pulled the woman off Kratos. "Aifread went back to Luin. Didn't you hear?"

"Back to Luin? Oh, Aifread!" the girl swung around, facing the ocean with sparkly eyes. "OH, Aifread! Wherefore art thou, Aifread? Why'd you freaking leave without telling me? Oh, Aifread!" She sighed and clasped her hands to her chest in a dramatic sort of way. "Oh!" she snapped her fingers. "I'll get Max to take a letter to him! Max'll do anything for me! Thanks, losers!" She waved before running towards the docks.

Lloyd blinked. "Wow, there sure are a lot of weird people in Izoold," he commented, earning a punch in the face from some random villager.

"C'mon, let's follow her!" Colette tugged on Lloyd's arm. "Maybe we can mooch a ride off of that Max guy!"

"OK."

--

"But Lylaaaaa, I can't deliver this letter! That's, like, helping my rival in love!" A wail wafted it's way over Lloyd's posse, and they could only assume it was Max. Their suspicions were confirmed seconds later.

"Shut the hell up, Max, and take the stupid letter. It's just a simple task, you can handle it, can't you?"

"C'mon," Kratos mumbled, leading the way towards the docks. Before they're reached the bickering pair, however, Lloyd was stopped by an innocent old lady.

"Say, don't you look sort of like the guy on that wanted poster over there?" She asked, pointing to the said poster.

"Er, ah, um..." Lloyd shifted his feed nervously. The old lady laughed.

"Hey, I'm just joking, kid. That guy on the poster's hair is completely different than yours. It's all uneven and stuff."

Lloyd grinned. "That's right. No split ends on my head," he brushed his hair arrogantly.

"Come _on_, Lloyd," Genis groaned, grabbing his friend and dragging him after the group.

"So," Kratos was saying as Lloyd and his little elven buddy came up behind him. "We'll deliver this letter, if Max gives us a ride, deal?"

"Sounds good," Lyla said.

"W-wait!" Max waved his hands in front of the pair. "I-I didn't agree to this! It's my freaking boat!"

"Shut the hell up, Max," Lyla snapped. Then she held the letter out to Kratos, who reached for it. Then Lloyd leapt between them and grabbed the letter, leaving Kratos annoyed. "Alright, make sure it reaches him."

"No problem!" Colette said with a cheerful wave. Lyla rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Alright, let's go, Max!" Genis cried.

"B-but..." Max looked thoroughly confused. "But, I don't..."

"Look," Lloyd said wearily, holding out Lyla's letter. "If you take us to Palmacosta, I'll throw this letter into the ocean and make sure it never reaches this Aifread guy. OK?"

Genis looked surprised. "Wow, Lloyd! I can't believe you thought of a plan like that!" Lloyd punched him.

Max shrugged. "Well, OK, but don't blame me if we get eaten by monsters or something."

"OK! Let's go!"

With that, everyone climbed onto the boat, which proved to be much smaller than they had thought at first. So, Max threw up the sail, and they were on their way.

"Awright! This is gonna be fun! Are you ready, first mate Colette?"

Colette saluted. "Yes, Capt'n Lloyd!"

"Would you kids stop moving so much?" Raine moaned. She leaned against the edge of the boat, looking slightly green. "This boat's so small, it could tip over at any second."

"Oh, jeez," Max rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry my boat's too _small_ for you,"

"Hmph," Kratos hmphed.

"Wow! Look at those fish!" Genis pointed eagerly over the edge of the boat, and nearly fell off as they hit a wave. "Wa ha ha ha ha ha!"

Colette and Lloyd joined in Genis' insane laughing, and soon the whole boat was rocking wildly. Growing greener by the second, Raine drunkenly swung her fist into Genis' head. Lloyd laughed at Genis, who retaliated by throwing his kendama at the teen's big head.

Moments later, Raine had toppled over in a dead faint, Lloyd and Genis were rolling around the tiny deck in an all-out fight, Colette was watching eagerly from the sidelines, Max was fashioning himself a noose out of a fish net and some paper clips, and Kratos was trying to shield himself from it all in some obscure corner of the ship.

Two hours fifty-six minutes to Palmacosta.

--

"Thanks a lot, Max!" Lloyd said, grinning wildly as he stepped off the boat.

"Yeah, you really helped out!" Colette agreed.

Max shuddered. Raine followed suit.

"Thank the Goddess..." she murmered, trying and failing to stand up straight. "I thought we were going to die,"

"You _thought _we were going to die?" Kratos repeated, surprised. "I'm shocked that the boat only tipped over three times,"

"Two times," Genis whined. "The third didn't count; there was this really cool shark, and I just wanted to take a closer look."

"So, what are you going to do now, Max?" Lloyd asked, turning to their would-be captain.

"I'm sure as hell not taking you guys back to Izoold," he said.

"That's OK, we're just walking from here," Lloyd shrugged. "But, if you could come back to pick us up in a month or so..."

Moving faster than Lloyd thought humanly possible, Max threw up his sail and skeddadled his ass out of there faster than a bare-foot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in... ah, well, you know. Our group was left boatless in the big ole city of Palmacosta.

"Alright! We made it to Palmacosta!" Lloyd ran through the streets, jumping wildly and screaming.

"Let's just pretend we don't know him..." Raine took several steps away from the overexcited teen, and Kratos was quick to follow.

Meanwhile, Colette was skipping after Lloyd, giggling and trying to find a word that rhymed with jelly bean. Suddenly, she rounded a corner to find herself face-to-face with some chick with blue hair, holding a big bottle of pink potion. Unable to stop herself, she crashed right into the girl with a loud and obnoxious shriek.

"Aaaaah! Get off me, you creep!" the bluehead pushed Colette away, forgetting the bottle in her hands. It flew into the air, then landed with a crash on Lloyd's head.

"D'oh!" The poor kid gripped his head, which was now pink and sticky.

"Oh no!" cried the bluehead's friend; a woman with a really big hat. "The Palma Potion we just recieved! You bastards! Watch where you're going, why dont'cha?"

"What? You're the one who just threw that bottle at my head!"

"Oh, shut up!" shouted a boy with pointy red hair. "Don't you dare anger the great... er, me!"

Kratos raised an eyebrow. "The great... you?"

"Yeah! You'd better watch out!" Another friend, chubby and brown-haired, nodded eagerly. "My big brother will beat your face in so bad your momma won't recognize you!"

"My momma's dead..." Kratos said dryly.

"Hey, mine is too!" Lloyd pointed out, looking surprised.

"Oh, me too!" Colette raised her hand into the air.

"Us too..." Genis said, looking thoughtful and pointing at his sister.

"Huh..." Kratos shrugged. "That's kind of weird, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is. Where'd they all go?"

"Hey, hold on!" the annoying kid with pointy hair yelled, interrupting the group's pondering. "Go buy us a new potion!"

"What? Why?" Lloyd glared at the kid.

"Because you freaking broke ours!"

"Um, Lloyd?" Colette grabbed Lloyd's arm before he could kill the redhead. "Let's just buy them the potion, OK? It is my fault that their's is broken."

Lloyd snarled. "Whatever," he mumbled.

Colette smiled. "OK, we'll be right back, OK?"

"What?" the annoying redhead snapped. "Do you seriously think that's going to appease my anger?"

"What? You just freaking told us to buy you a new potion, and now you're saying it's not good enough? What the hell are you smoking?"

"What-did-you-say!"

"Both of you, shut up!" Blue hair snapped. She pointed to Lloyd's group. "Just go buy the Palma Potion, OK? And you," she glared at pointy hair. "Will you just shut the hell up already?"

Pointy hair mumbled something and glared at the ground, and Lloyd's posse took that as a sign to leave. They sped off in the opposite direction, grumbling angrily, searching for Palma Potion, or contemplating their lack of a mommy.

As they stomped down the streets of Palmacosta, Lloyd's anger was soon forgotten as he oohed and ahhed over various parts of the city. The buildings were all neat and much fancier than any back in Iselia. At least half of them were built on or next to the ocean, and Lloyd couldn't help but think that if some natural disaster were to occur - say, an earthquake, or a giant tree growing out of the ground and attacking the city - Palmacosta would be underwater in seconds. Oh well, as long as nothing bad happened while they were here, it was all good.

"This looks like a good place," Raine interrupted Lloyd's thoughts and pointed to a shop along the road. "I'm sure they have Palma Potion here,"

"Why do you think that?" Lloyd asked, unable to see how this shop was any different than the ones surrounding it.

Raine didn't answer, simply pointed at a giant and brightly colored poster in the window which read: "Yes, we sell Palma Potion here!". Lloyd sweatdropped.

"I-I knew that..."

"Well, let's go!" Colette giggled, skipping into the shop. The rest of her posse were quick to follow.

"I sure hope they're not sold out or anything," Lloyd said as he stepped through the doorway. "That would really- HOLY FREAKING SHIT!"

Moments after stepping into the store, Lloyd found himself nose-to-helmet with a Desian. Not only that, but there were two Desian buddies standing behind him!

"It wasn't me, I swear!" he yelped before diving behind Kratos. The Desian rolled his eyes (at least, it was assumed he rolled his eyes. No one could really tell) and turned back to the matter at hand.

"Oh, come on!" a girl with a very annoying voice was saying. "There's no way _anyone_ would sell you _anything_ at a price like that!"

"Just shut up, please," said a Desian. "You're lucky we're even willing to pay anything at all at a rundown shack like this,"

"I don't need to hear from a bunch of filthy Desians!"

"We're not filthy!" pouted the second Desian. "We're just the bad guys!"

The third nodded angrily. "That's it, I'm gonna-"

"Hold up," the first Desian threw out an arm to hold back his buddy. "We'll exceed our death quota. We're really not supposed to kill anyone until next year. Remember what happened last time, Thirty-Four?"

Desian number Thirty-Four stared at his feet, ashamed.

"You should have been there, Four Hundred Six! That stupid human was being a total jackass! I had to-"

"Um, excuse me?" the brunette raised her hand from behind the counter. "I'm still here, you know."

"Oh, yeah!" Desian Four Hundred Six snapped his attention back to the girl. "Anyways, we're not aloud to kill you now, but if you don't stop being a bitch, we can get special permission from Lord Magnius to kill you anyway,"

"Yeah," agreed his Desian buddy. "So you'd better watch out!"

"Whatever. As long as General-Governor Dorr is in charge, you Desians can't do anything at all!"

The girl stuck her tongue out at the Desians.

Desian number Thirty-Four returned the gesture.

His Desian buddies smacked his helmeted head.

Then the Desians left.

"W-woah..." Lloyd stuttered from behind Kratos. "I totally forgot about the Desians! We haven't seen any for, what, three chapters?"

Raine shrugged. "Yeah, I guess... they're not really something you can just forget about, though,"

"You got that right," said a voice behind the counter, and a moment later another brunette popped up beside the first. "Chocolat..." she said, addressing the annoying girl. "Would you stop picking fights with the Desians?"

"But Mo-om!" Chocolat whined. "These are the monsters who took Gramma away!"

"Yeah, remember? You annoyed them so much that they kidnaped your Grandma. That's really bad, honey,"

"Whatever. So!" Chocolat turned to Lloyd and his posse with a smile. "Can I get you fine folks anything?"

"Oh, yeah!" Genis piped up. "We need a Palma Potion, please!"

"OK," Chocolat reached underneath the counter and pulled out the said potion. "Just to let you know, though, it doesn't really do anything at all,"

"What? Really?" Lloyd looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it increases your attack power or something, but you can't even tell. Seriously, no one really uses these except for side quests and stuff like that,"

"Oh." Genis shrugged. "Well, I guess this is a side quest, huh?"

"Yeah," Colette nodded. "OK, well, thanks a lot Chocolat! We owe ya one!" Chocolat waved, and the group departed.

"Wow, the people of Palmacosta are so brave!" Colette said in awe. "Chocolat was standing up to the Desians all by herself!"

"Yeah, I guess so!" Lloyd grinned.

"I wish everyone in Iselia could see this..." Genis said wistfully.

"It sounds like that General-Governor Dorr has something to do with this," Raine pointed out. "We should go see him after we deliver the Palma Potion to those losers,"

Lloyd looked at the Palma Potion. An evil grin spread across his face. "Hey, Professor, let's pee in their potion!"

"Lloyd!" Colette gasped.

Genis laughed. "Yeah! Let's do it!"

Raine looked determinedly at Kratos. "I'll look the other way. So, Kratos, tell me about your love life,"

"Err..." Kratos blushed furiously and glanced at Lloyd, who was peeing in the potion.

"OK!" he cried a moment later. "Let's go!" And they goed.

Just as the group came to a corner, however, they heard a familiar and obnoxious redheaded voice.

"I can't believe that stupid old man gave us his antique heirloom just because we told him to!"

"I guess," said another voice, presumably with a big hat. "So, what're we gonna do with it?"

"You're so stupid!" Redhead laughed, and was then punched in the face. "I-I mean, we'll take it to that old geezer on Hakonesia Peak. I'm sure he'll pay all sorts of crazy Gald for it,"

"Hey ho, weeeeee're back!" Lloyd called, choosing that exact moment to come around the corner.

"Did you just call me a ho?" asked redhead.

"Yes, yes I did," Lloyd said with a grin. He held out the potion, and the redhead snatched it up eagerly.

"Took you long enough. C'mon, guys, we'll split it and become really strong!"

"Uh, ah, um..." Colette looked nervous.

"What?" snapped blue hair.

"Er, uh," Genis pushed in front of Colette. "She was just going to tell you that this potion doesn't really work. It's just for side quests and stuff,"

"Says you," said the woman with that hat. Then, she took a long, deep draft of the potion before handing it to the rest of her group.

"Hm..." said tubby thoughtfully. "It tastes..."

"It tastes..." Redhead smiled. "It tastes great! Even better than I thought it would!"

Lloyd and Genis both stuffed their fists into their mouths to keep from laughing. Colette blushed furiously, and Raine smiled gently. Kratos just looked confused.

"Well, you kids did pretty good," redhead continued, ignoring the fact that Kratos and Raine were both older than he was. "I'll remember you guys,"

"Come on, you guys," said hat chick. "Let's get the hell out of here,"

"See you losers later," called bluehead, walking away. The rest waved and followed.

Lloyd and Genis glanced at each other, then collapsed in equal fits of laughter.

"It tastes good! It tastes good! Ohmygoddess..." Lloyd gasped before exploding into laughter again.

"Serves them right!" Genis giggled.

"Eh, um..." Colette still looked uncomfortable. "Was that OK, Professor?"

"Was what OK?" Raine replied with a blank expression. "All I saw was these two boys give those jerks some potion,"

Kratos sighed. "Well, now what?"

"Let's go see this Dorr guy," Suggested Raine.

"Alright! Let's go!" Lloyd cried.

And they did.


	10. Chapter 10

THE BIG TEN-OH, WOOT! -parties-

**--**

**Chapter Ten**

Having met annoying girls with weird names, bought a potion for some losers, and remembered that Desians do in fact exist, our heroes were left standing in the middle of Palmacosta, searching aimlessly for this Dorr guy.

"So..." Lloyd said a few minutes later, coming to a stop atop yet another bridge. "Where the hell does this Dorr guy live?"

"Beats me," Genis shrugged. "Maybe if we say Governor-General Dorr really loud, someone will pop up and say 'Did someone say Governor-General Dorr' and show us where he lives?"

"Aw, c'mon Genis," Lloyd groaned. "That only happens in Izoold and really lame fanfictions,"

"Did somebody say Governor-General Dorr?" asked some random villager, jumping up behind Colette, who screamed and fell over. "He's right over there, comforting some poor innocent little kid," the man pointed, and our heroes followed his finger to yet another dock/street, where a blonde guy was comforting some poor innocent little kid. The group thanked the random villager before running towards the pair.

"Governor-General Dooooorr!" whined the little kid. "The Desians kidnaped my daddy!"

"Don't worry, poor innocent little kid," Dorr replied, patting the kid on the head. "Soon, our army will go and attack the human ranch, and we'll get your daddy back,"

"My mommy died when I was little," said a little girl, who popped up from behind Dorr. Judging by their identical blonde hair, the pair were probably related. Or, maybe the designers were just lazy and gave them both blonde hair. Anyway, the girl was angsting over her dead mommy, and the little boy was watching her, looking confused.

"Um, what does that have to do with anything?" he finally asked.

The girl shrugged. "Dorr's my daddy,"

"Err, OK then," the boy turned back to Dorr. "Well, I guess I'll just go home and wait until you go save my daddy, Governor-General! I love you!" And with that, the little kid ran home.

"Ah, it feels good to do good," sighed Dorr, before he grabbed his daughter and the pair skipped into a big and official-looking building.

"Wow!" Colette grinned. "That Dorr guy is amazing!"

"I dunno..." Lloyd said. "He had a really ugly beard, and he was wearing a skirt,"

Raine smacked him. "Come on, let's follow him,"

Genis giggled. "I feel like a stalker!" Raine smacked him as well. And the happy little group hurried into the official-looking building after the Governor-General.

"Helloooo!" Colette called as she stepped through the door. Then, she tripped. "Oops, hee hee!"

Dorr stared down at her, along with his daughter and a hot guy with blue hair. "Uh, who are you?"

"Yo, Dorr!" Lloyd called, stepping over Colette. "We need to talk,"

Raine shoved Lloyd out of the way. "OK, from now on, _I'm_ walking into official-looking buildings first. I look the most official. Hello, Governor-General," Raine turned to Dorr, who blinked.

"Uh, hi."

"I'm Raine, and this is Lloyd and Genis and Colette and Kratos. We're going to save the world."

"Hi!" called the hot guy, waving. "I'm Neil, and this is Governor-General Dorr, and his lovely daughter Kilia."

"Hello!" Colette waved.

"W-wait a minute!" Dorr waved his hands wildly. "You guys are going to save the world? Do you mean-?"

"That's right!" Lloyd grinned and held up a fist. "Colette is the Chosen of Regeneration!"

Neil blinked. "Uh, Governor-General..."

"I know, I know," Dorr turned to glare at Lloyd and company. "The Chosen of Regeneration has already been here! How dare you impersonate the Chosen! You're under arrest!"

"Wha-huh?" Lloyd spun around to find himself surrounded by big fat soldiers. "When the hell did they get there?"

Colette shrieked, and fell to the ground. Genis laughed at her. Then, her sparkly pink wings popped out, making everyone go all stary-eyed.

"Oooooh..." said Lloyd and company.

"Oooooh..." said the soldiers of Palmacosta.

"Oooooh..." said Dorr and company.

"Um, yeah," Colette put her wings away. "Could you please... um, stop staring at me? It makes me nervous. And when I'm nervous... I EAT!" she grabbed a ham and cheese sandwich from the Governor-General's desk and started shoving it down her Chosen throat. Lloyd calmly pulled the sandwich away.

"Oh... thanks Lloyd,"

"No prob."

"Hey! Daddy!" Kilia's high pitched and annoying voice cut through the air like a really sharp and annoying knife. "Did you see her wings Daddy? Didja see? Didja? Didja? DIDJA?"

"Calm down, Kilia. I saw them." Dorr turned to Lloyd's group. "OK, so maybe you guys _are _the Chosen's group."

"Er..." Neil stammered, looking nervous. "Eh, fuck. We gave that really important Book of Regeneration that the Chosen absolutely needs to complete her journey to that other group..."

"WHAT?" cried Genis and company. Getting red in the face, the elf continued. "What the hell did you do that for? Do you use your eyes, or are they just there for decoration? What were you thinking? Did you just give the book to the first people you saw who claimed to be the Chosen? What are we supposed to do now? What's your problem? You suck! Why didn't you notice that they might not be us? Why are you such an ass? Why do you have a freaking ham and cheese sandwich on your desk? Why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from? You humans are-"

Raine punched her brother for the thousandth time that day. "Genis, shut the hell up." she then turned to Dorr. "Can you tell us what the book said?"

"I'm sorry," Dorr said. "It was written in angelic language, and only the members of the Church of Martel could read it,"

"Great," grumbled Kratos, who hasn't spoken at all this chapter.

"You're telling me," Lloyd agreed, which made Kratos turn crimson. "Anyway, should we go to the church, and see if they remember it?"

"I guess so," Raine shrugged. "OK, let's go,"

"Bye!" Colette waved to Dorr and crew. Kilia waved back.

"Sorry about all this," Dorr said. Genis sent him a glare that would have killed a small child.

And so, the group stepped out the door and across the street to the Church of Martel. The church was big and echoy, like most churches are. A few people sat in the pews lined up and down the church, and to the group's right was...

"Hi, guys!" called Chocolat, waving.

"Oh no," Lloyd stared at the girl in horror. "Not her!"

"What's the matter, Lloyd?" Colette asked.

"I just decided that I hate Chocolat,"

"You hate chocolate?" Chocolat asked. "Oh, I do too! I much prefer vanilla, you know?" She grinned seductively and leaned against Lloyd. "You and I make a great pair, huh?"

Lloyd blinked. "Errr..."

"Um, um, um!" Colette stuttered, glowing bright red. But not nearly as red as Kratos, who jumped between Lloyd and Chocolat without hesitation.

"Get away from my s... er, my... Lloyd...?" suddenly, the mercenary realized what he was doing. His scarlet face was bright enough to lead Santa's sleigh as he looked from Chocolat, who looked frightened, to Lloyd, who looked disgusted.

"Er... um..." the awkward moment stretched on and on. Finally, the silence was broken by none other than Raine.

"Well, that Marche guy says that he doesn't remember what the book said," she said as she walked from the back of the church.

"Huh? You already asked, Professor?" Colette looked surprised.

"Sure, while Lloyd was flirting over here, I went and talked to the priests," Raine shrugged. Lloyd glared. Chocolat blinked.

"Let's go, then," Kratos walked out of the church as quickly as he could. The rest followed.

"OK, I'll see you guys later!" called Chocolat.

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Colette asked as the group stepped out into the Palmacosta sun.

"The book is with that group of fakes..." Raine said thoughtfully.

"OH!" Lloyd snapped his fingers. "I'll bet it's those jerks who made us buy them a new potion! They looked pretty fake to me,"

Genis gasped. "You're right! Remember when we came up behind them, and that one guy was like 'I can't believe that stupid old man gave us his antique heirloom just because we told him to' or something. I'll bet they were talking about the book we need!"

"Hm..." Raine looked thoughtful. "Didn't they say they were going to take it to Hakonesia Peak?"

"Hakonesia Peak is north from here," Kratos said, still refusing to look at Lloyd. "It's pretty far away, so we should get going,"

And they did.

--

Hours and hours and hours later, the group was still trudging north. Nothing of import had happened, except for maybe when Genis was attacked by a giant aardvark. Anyways, hours and hours and hours later, it was starting to get dark, so Lloyd and company decided to set up camp.

"Man," Lloyd said as he tried without success to start a fire. "Those imposters really get on my nerves. I mean, Colette is the one working so hard to save the world!"

"Yeah!" Genis agreed, lighting the fire and Lloyd's left glove with a quick Fireball spell. "Those guys are jerks!"

"Hm, well," Colette looked up from the peanut butter sandwiches she was making. "I think that if there were lots of Chosens, the odds of the world being saved would go up! Do you want anything on your sandwich, Genis?"

"Bananas, please. But, honestly, those guys are just fakes! They're just pretending to be you, Colette!"

"They're not doing anything to help the world," Raine added. "And you're cutting the banana too thick, dear,"

"No! Don't let Raine near the food!" Genis jumped in front of his sister, who smacked him.

Colette grinned and handed the bickering siblings their sandwiches. "Heh heh, people are pretending to be me. I feel like a famous movie star or something!"

"Colette, you _are_ famous!" Lloyd pointed out. "You're going to save the world!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot." Colette giggled. "Do you want anything on your sandwich, Lloyd?"

"Yeah, tomatoes,"

Everyone gave Lloyd a good hard look.

"Tomatoes?" Raine finally asked.

"Yeah! Haven't you ever had a peanut butter and tomato sandwich? My dad makes them all the time!"

"Is this what happens... when one is raised by a dwarf?" Kratos asked, mostly to himself.

"Aw, c'mon Kratos, you should try it!" Lloyd grinned and held out his sandwich. "C'mon, just one bite?"

Kratos visibly scooted away. "I... don't like... tomatoes..."

Lloyd grinned an evil grin. "Oh really?" He reached behind him and grabbed a few tomatoes. With an evil laugh, he started throwing them at Kratos' mercenary head.

"Aaaaugh!" Kratos tried in vain to protect himself from the onslaught of fruit. "P-please, stop!"

"Huh?" Lloyd stopped in mid-throw. "Did Kratos just say please?"

"Did Kratos just stutter?" Genis added.

"Is Kratos hiding from the tomatoes?" Raine asked.

"N-no I'm not!" Kratos tried to look tough, but a bit of tomato slid off his hair and onto his nose. "Yeeargh! Get it off me!" He swatted at his nose until the fruit was gone. Then, he stood up and ran for it.

"Eeeeh?" Colette blinked. "What was that all about?"

"Kratos is... _afraid_ of tomatoes?" Genis asked incredulously.

"Everyone has a weakness... I guess..." Raine sighed.

"Yeah, yours is water!" Lloyd added. Raine smacked him.

"Seriously, though, I hope he comes back," Colette looked nervous. "It's dangerous for him to be out on his own at night, isn't it?"

"He'll be fine, Colette," Lloyd said, leaning back and taking a bite out of his sandwich. "Unless, of course, he's attacked by a giant tomato," Apparently he and Genis found this very funny.

"Oh, shut up," Raine moaned through her sandwich. She chewed thoughtfully for a moment. "Jeez, doesn't anyone know how to cook something besides sandwiches?"

"I can make cookies!" Genis said, raising his hand.

"Oh, I've got some cheese puffs in my pocket!" Colette added, pulling out the snacks.

"Ah... never mind,"

--

Hours later, Lloyd was awakened a poorly cloaked conversation. He listened closely, easily catching a familiar voice.

"Stop looking at me like that, Noishe," Kratos was saying. "Seriously, it's freaking me out,"

Lloyd grinned an evil grin and stood up.

"Hey, Kratos," he whispered, coming up behind the mercenary. Kratos determinedly stared in the opposite direction. "Got all the tomato off you, I see," Kratos didn't answer. "Seriously, though, who'd of thought you'd be afraid of something like that, huh?"

"I wasn't... afraid..." Kratos snarled.

"Of _course_ you weren't," Lloyd smiled, seeing Kratos' shaking hands ball up. "But, honestly Kratos, how are you going to protect Colette if the Desians come running up with a - heh - basket of tomatoes?" Lloyd fought the desire to laugh. Kratos glowered at a blade of grass.

With an evil grin, Lloyd leaned close and into Kratos' ear and whispered one word:

"Tomatoes."

"THAT'S IT!" Kratos roared as he tackled Lloyd to the ground, holding his sword to the teen's neck. Lloyd screamed, but Kratos refused to let him go.

"Please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me!" Lloyd shouted. Kratos sent him the scariest look he had ever looked, knocking Lloyd unconscious for a moment.

"Kratos?" a sleepy Raine called from across the campsite. "What's all that noise? What are you doing?"

"Killing Lloyd," Kratos snarled. Lloyd squeaked in fear.

"... alright then," Raine laid back down. "Hey Kratos!" she called after a moment.

"Yes?"

"Tomatoes."

"DAMMIT!" Kratos shouted, raising his sword over his head. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" With a quick slash, he cut Lloyd's head off.

"Woah!" said Lloyd's head, before it hit the ground a few feet away.

"Kratos!" Raine shouted, coming up behind him. "What did you do that for?"

Kratos appeared to still be too angry to reply. His face was red and he was shaking uncontrollably.

"Ugh," Raine sighed. "This is the group that's going to save the world."

Then, she used First Aid on Lloyd and his head, and the two were reunited. For the rest of the night, Lloyd stayed as far away from Kratos as he could, as did Raine and Noishe.

And so ended another day in the exciting if not disturbing journey of the Chosen.


	11. Chapter 11

Yeah, I'm not to sure where the whole Kratos tomato thing came from either. From what I got, if you cook anything with tomatoes, your relationship with Kratos drops. I dunno if there's anything else to it... but it's easy to make fun of. :)

This chapter is dedicated to Contraltissimo, who ate a peanut and tomato sandwich. YOU OWN MY SOUL, DUDE!!! D:

**Chapter Eleven**

The next day, the group continued their journey towards Hakonesia Peak, taking extreme care to make no mention of tomatoes. Finally, the group reached a long line of mountains, and by following a path through, they ended up at Hakonesia Peak.

The peak wasn't really a city, or even a town; actually, it was just a house. A bit up the mountain path was a gate, reaching from one rocky wall to the other, and guarded by a pair of Palmacosta knights. When Lloyd tried to walk through the gate, the guards beat him up and told him that he needed a pass to pass, and he could purchase one in the house over there.

By this time, the rest of the group had already entered the said house, so Lloyd ran after them.

"A Book of Regeneration?" an old man was saying. "Sure I got one of them. I'm a collector, you know. Wanna see my collection, hot stuff?" he winked at Raine, who ignored him.

"We'd like to see your Book of Regeneration," Kratos said stiffly.

"Pfft," the old man gave Kratos a glare. "I'll have you know, I hate men. And you can't see my book. It's mine, you hear me? Mine!"

"You sound like someone else I know," Genis commented dryly, giving his sister a sidelong glance.

"But we've gotta have that book!" Lloyd wailed. "Colette here's the Cho-"

"Erhumphha," coughed Raine as she smacked Lloyd, who shut up immediately.

"The Cho-?" the old man blinked.

"The Chosen's devout follower. Colette here reads all sorts of stuff about the Chosen of Regeneration in all those teen magazines, and she can read the angelic language,"

"Hm..." the old man looked thoughtful. "You mean she's like a stalker?"

"Yeah, something like that," Colette smiled. "So we need to see your book, please,"

"Er, well..." the old man grinned an old man grin. "I'll tell you what. I'll let you look at the book, if you bring me something."

"Oh great. Here we go again," Lloyd raised his hands to the heavens. "When will it end?"

Everyone decided to ignore him. "What do you need us to get?" Raine asked.

"An amazing and beautiful statue of Spiritua, which can only be found at the House of Salvation halfway between here and Palmacosta. It's made of solid gold, and the halo is diamond! The detail is amazing, and the texture is oh-so-"

"WE GET IT!" Yelled everyone in the room. The old guy immediately shut up.

"OK, ya old geezer, we'll get the stupid statue. And _then _you'll let us read the book, right?"

"Hm, I'll let the cutie and the beauty look at it..." the old man looked and Raine and Colette and started drooling.

"We are leaving **now**," Raine stomped out of the house, the children and Kratos scurrying after her.

"Man, what is with that stupid old man?" Lloyd yelled after the door and swung shut behind him. "Now we gotta go all the way back to the House of Salvation, and all the way back here, and-"

"Shut up Lloyd," Genis said.

"Hey," Colette stood up on her toes to see a crowd forming before them. "What's going on over there?"

Her question was answered by a man who came up behind her. "I heard that the Desians are heading for Palmacosta-"

"Yeah, and I heard that their boss Magnius is with them!" called a frightened woman from the crowd.

"-SO," the man continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "We're staying here until it's safe to go back,"

"Oh noes!" Colette moaned. "This is bad!"

"Alright!" Lloyd cheered at the same moment. "This is awesome!"

"Er, Lloyd?" Genis pulled on his friend's elbow. "This isn't awesome. This is really bad."

"No, see, now we can fight more Desians!" Lloyd grinned. "It's so much fun beating up those stupid half-elves. And ruining their evil plots. And stealing all their apple gels. MAN, I'm so excited! Let's go!"

After agreeing to ignore Lloyd's strange obsession, the rest of the group decided that they should help out the people of Palmacosta, too.

"I figure, if we leave now, we'll probably get there the same time as the Desians," Genis said as the group hurried down the mountain. "We're farther away, but the Desians have to go through these mountains and stuff..."

"Wahoo!" Lloyd, who wasn't paying any attention at all, gave a loud cheer as he leapt down the mountainside. He managed to trip over a rock, but kept on going, still laughing maniacally.

--

Many hours later, Lloyd's excitement and mostly worn off. The last hour of their journey was spent suffering to the teen's whining and moans of "Are we there yet?". Still, they finally made it to Palmacosta, which rekindled Lloyd's energy.

"Say, where is everyone?" Genis asked, holding Lloyd back so that he didn't kill anyone.

"Hmph," Kratos looked around. "This can't be a good sign,"

"You said it," Raine agreed. "C'mon, let's go,"

And so they did.

Moments later, they had reached the town square, where the townspeople who weren't hiding in their basements had come to watch Chocolat's mom be publically executed by the Desians.

Wait a minute...

"ZOMG!" Colette cried, pointing in horror to the figure that was Chocolat's mom. She was standing gloomily on a lovely gibbet that had definitely not been there last time the group had checked. "This is bad bad bad bad BAD!"

Lloyd, meanwhile, was giggling a rather disturbing giggle as he watched the Desian in the middle of the crowd give a long and lame speech about why he was going to hang Chocolat's mom.

"Hey! What the heck?" Genis glanced around the square wildly. "Where's the city militia? Aren't they going to do anything about this?"

"Most of the army is away training right now," replied a rather fat woman as she wrenched her gaze away from Chocolat's mom.

"Damn those Desians!" Lloyd spat, suddenly very serious. "They must have waited for an opportunity like this to attack! What a dirty trick!"

"It's not a dirty trick," replied a voice behind him. "I think it's kind of smart, actually. I mean, would you attack a city when you knew there was a whole militia of inferior beings waiting to fight back?"

Giving a tiny shriek, Lloyd and company spun around to find another group of Desians. A rather short one, apparently the one who had spoken a moment ago, raised his voice to address the whole crowd.

"Everybody make way! Lord Magnius approaches!"

The crowd didn't hesitate; it parted instantly, dragging Lloyd and his posse with it. By struggling for nearly a minute, Lloyd finally made it back to the front of the crowd, and was just in time to catch a glimpse of the so feared Lord Magnius. He wasn't sure that the guy was really intimidating, though. Sure, he had to be on steroids to have such ridiculously huge muscles. And he looked like he could kill someone with those crazy spiked boots of his. But his surfer-style dreadlocks utterly ruined the whole appearance, making him look like an idiot.

Lloyd's thoughts were interrupted by the short Desian, who continued; "This woman's daughter was being a total bitch to the Desians (that's us) and refused to sell us goods. We tried killing her father and kidnaping her grandmother, but it didn't seem to have any effect at all. So, now we're gonna kill her mother and see what happens."

The crowd ooohed and aaahed and oh noed. Suddenly, someone broke through the crowd.

"Mommy!" Chocolat cried, running to her mom. Too bad for her, though, she was stopped by a pair of Desians.

"Stop right there, human! Take one more step, and we'll make you wish you were never born,"

"Aiieee!" cried the girl, twisting and struggling in the Desian's grasp. "Rape! Rape!"

The crowd gasped and began whispering amongst themselves. The Desian dropped her immediatly, but another with a bit more sense grabbed her before she could get away.

"Don't flatter yourself!" she snarled.

"Shut up, all of you!" Magnius hollered, gaining the attention of everyone within a mile radius. "I came here to see an inferior being get killed, and if you don't kill her right now, you're all fired! And you!" he turned to Chocolat's captors. "Just kill her, why don't you, and shut her up for good?"

"Y-yes sir!" the Desian's scurried about to fulfill their orders. They came to a sudden halt, however, when a mysterious figure in red leapt out and sliced off a few of their heads.

"Huh?" Genis suddenly glanced around him wildly. "W-where'd Lloyd-? ...Oh no..."

Lloyd, standing in the center of a mob of shocked Desians, began laughing maniacally. Foaming ever so slightly at the mouth, he caught another Desian by surprise with a vicious Demon Fang, which did a neat job of slicing the poor half-elf in two.

"Lloyd, you idiot!" Raine screamed. She pushed through the crowd and grabbed her student by the ear. "What the hell do you think you're- oh, great," she looked up from scolding Lloyd to find herself now surrounded by Desians as well.

Magnius, finally waking up from a minor state of shock, glared down at them. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he shouted. "You wanna pick a fight? Huh? Do ya? OK, fine! You two!" Magnius spun around to point at a pair of his surprised underlings. "Numbers Four Hundred Sixty-Three and Two Hundred Fifty-Five! Don't just stand there being freaking useless! Kill them, dammit!"

The said Desians nodded and started up a dorky dance which took several seconds to complete, and which produced a small fleet of fireballs.

At that very second, Genis leapt out in front of his sister and classmate. He pulled up an incredibly simple Guardian spell, which easily dissolved the fireballs.

"Amateurs," he muttered with a cocky grin.

"GRAH!" Magnius GRAHed, now looking thoroughly pissed off. "You're utterly useless, you know that? Just kill that old lady so we can squash these bastards!"

Another Desian turned to do so by pulling a mysterious switch which dropped the floor beneath the Chocolat's poor mom, leaving her hanging by a noose. Before she had a chance to die, however, a chakram flew through the air and cut her loose before changing direction in midair and soaring back to Colette's hand. She actually managed to catch it without tripping.

"Alright Colette!" Lloyd cheered, making the Chosen blush. "OK, let's kill these- yikes!" Lloyd jumped back just in time to avoid an enormous axe, which Magnius had managed to pull from nowhere. He was just about to swing the axe at Colette's blonde head when...

_Stab!_

"Holy hell!" Magius shouted, looking down to the sword that was thrust through his muscular belly. "Woah-ho, that'll need stitches."

"Hmph," Kratos replied, removing his sword from the Desian's abdomen. "Let us respect the wishes of the Chosen,"

"The Chosen?" gasped someone in the crowd.

"This ditzy blonde is the Chosen?" Yelled another.

"Holy cow!"

Colette grinned and waved to the crowd, trying to pull a Miss Sylvarant pose but failing miserably.

"Cut that out!" Magnius cried, still able to shout very loudly despite the gaping hole in his stomach. He turned to his Desian underlings. "Look, I'm leaving now. Kill these kids before they can do anymore damage," and with that, the Grand Cardinal vanished.

"Uh, OK, let's get'im, boys!" cried Desian number Four Hundred Sixty-Three.

"And girls!" corrected another Desian who, judging by her ridiculously revealing outfit, was a female.

"Whatever!" shouted the short Desian, and with that the whole group attacked Lloyd and his buddies.

Unfortunately for them, Lloyd and company had to live because they were the main characters. So, the Desians were easily defeated, Chocolat's mom was OK, and the crowd dispersed having lost their form of entertainment for the evening.

"Ug," Chocolat's mom moaned after the square had been, for the most part, cleared. "That was damn scary,"

"You said it!" Chocolat agreed before turning to the heroes of this story. "Thank you so much for saving my mom!"

"Yeah, thanks," added her mom.

"No problem!" Lloyd grinned and waved his hand. "I thought, you know, if we're the group that's going to save the world, we should definitely try to save the people right in front of us first."

"That's not what you thought," Genis grumbled. "You just wanted to cut off some Desians' heads,"

Lloyd smacked him.

"Well, we'd better get going," Raine said. "We've still got to go get that Spiritua statue, and then get the Book of Regeneration, and then decipher the riddles in it, find and release all the seals, journey to the Tower of Salvation, and save the world,"

"Jeez, that sounds like a lot of work..." Lloyd moaned.

"Oh, come on! Let's go!" Colette smiled and dragged Lloyd away by his gloved hand. The rest of the party were quick to follow.

Chocolat smiled after the group. "Wow, those guys sure are- OH MY GODDESS!" She suddenly whipped around to face her mommy. "Mom, those guys never paid us for that Palma Potion!"

"Y-you're right!" her mother gasped after glancing back to chapter nine. "C'mon, let's go after them!"

"Yeah!" Chocolat gave a rather disturbing war-cry before grabbing her mom's arm and sprinting after the departing heroes.

Lloyd vowed to never forget to pay for anything ever again.


	12. Chapter 12

At the risk of using a term like "filler chapter"... this is a filler chapter.

Kratos makes some good points in this chapter. I know I said that I wouldn't make fun of plot holes, but I'm coming pretty damn close here. Ah well.

Enjoy

**--**

**Chapter Twelve**

"And so I said, listen Dad, I know it's hard for you to accept this, but - "

"LLOYD!" Kratos interupted, giving the teen a good smack over the head. "I don't CARE!"

Lloyd pouted, and the journey to the House of Salvation passed in silence. When the building came into sight, the group silently cheered and silently hurried in.

"Man, I can't _wait_ to sleep in a real bed!" Genis said, grinning a dorky sort of grin. It wasn't until he and the rest of his posse had entered the building that they noticed not only that there was no priest around to ask for the statue, but there was also a familiar figure praying on the other side of the room.

"-alla will be destroyed," she was saying. She opened her mouth to say more, but came to an abrupt stop when Lloyd shouted from the doorway.

"Hey! You're that chick with the boobs who tried to kill us!"

The mysterious assassin spun around, looking confused. Seeing the Chosen's group, she actually managed to trip without taking a single step. Floundering about, she finally stood up straight and yoinked out a handful of cards.

"W-what are you doing here??" she asked, trying to sound like she was in charge.

"I think I'd like to ask you the same question," Lloyd said, sounding like he really was in charge.

"You were praying, right?" Colette asked, clasping her hands and looking saintly. "I pray too! That means we have something in common! Wanna be friends?"

The assassin nearly tripped again. "W-w-huh? I-I was praying to kill you!"

Colette took a step towards the girl. "Yeah, I was kind of wondering why you wanted to do that, Miss Assassin."

"It's Sheena!" The assassin snapped. "Sheena Fujibayashi!"

"Woah!" Genis gasped. "That's one hell of a name!"

"Fuh-gee... foo-gi... foo-gee-boo..." Lloyd stumbled around the name.

"Fujibayashi!" Sheena shouted. Then she repeated, more slowly: "F-U-J-I-B-A-Y-A-S-H-I!"

"Well, Sheena," Colette began, opting to use to use the assassin's simpler first name. "My name's Colette!"

"I'm Lloyd!" Lloyd said.

Sheena looked flustered. "I-I didn't ask for all of your names!!"

"I know, but how can we be friends if we don't know each others names?" Colette asked innocently.

"GRAH!" Sheena GRAHed. "I've lost my concentration. I swear I will kill you... er, next time!" With that, she vanished in yet another cloud of smoke.

"Hey! Wait! I haven't introduced you to Genis and Raine yet!" Lloyd called. Off in a corner, Kratos pouted about being left out.

"Well," Colette said cheerfully. "I think we made some excellent progress today!"

"Whatever you say, dear," Raine sighed. She then led the way upstairs to try and find a place to sleep.

Unfortunately, the so-called inn upstairs only had one bed, and after a fierce and vicious battle over who got to sleep in it, the group finally fell asleep.

--

"So, lemme get this straight," Lloyd said slowly, eyeing the priest before him with disgust. "You took this _incredibly _valuable statue _to a geyser_, and then _fucking dropped it in_??"

The poor priest hid behind the head priest before squeaking out; "Y-yes..."

"RARRGH!" Lloyd bellowed before grabbing the priest and beating him up.

After a long and refreshing sleep (for the winner of the bed, anyway) and a nutritious breakfast, Lloyd and Co. had come downstairs to inquire about the Spiritua Statue. The head priest had been all to willing to give it to them. Unfortunately...

"You. Fucking. IDIOT!" Lloyd screamed, slamming the younger priest's head against the stone floor with every word. The head priest noticed, from where he watched his underling get beat up, that none of Lloyd's friends made any move to stop him. At last, when the priest had been reduced to a bruised and bloody pile of holyness, Lloyd backed off and turned to his posse.

"Well, guys, what do we do now?"

"Could we try and get it from the Thoda Geyser?" Colette asked.

"It's a geyser, dear," Raine pointed out. "It's dangerous,"

"Don't worry, I can handle it!" Lloyd stated confidently.

Genis gave him a disbelieving look. "Lloyd, do you know what a geyser is? It erupts with _boiling water_ periodically. It doesn't matter how brave you are, you'll still get boiled into a pile of steaming goo if you go in."

"I-I knew that!" Lloyd spat. "I was just-just testing you!"

"I've heard that the eruption cycle of the Thoda Geyser is quite short," Kratos stated in his usual monotonous voice, sounding like he had swallowed an encyclopedia. "Even if you tried to grab the statue when there wasn't any water, you'd probably still get fried."

"Boiled," Genis corrected. Kratos smacked him, muttering something about children and why he had never wanted any.

"So, like, what if Genis used magic to stop it?" Lloyd asked.

"Like what?" Genis replied shortly, clutching his bruised head.

"Like, freeze it or something," Lloyd waved his had as if pretending to use ice magic. Genis blinked.

"Uh, wow, that might work..."

"Yeah! And then I'll jump down and grab the statue!"

"Wow," Raine commented. "Coming from Lloyd, that's actually not a bad plan. Of course, _Lloyd's_ the one who's gonna be melted into a pile of nothing when he messes up."

"_If _I mess up," Lloyd corrected. "Which I won't."

"Of course you won't, Lloyd!" Colette grinned. "You rock!"

"Yeah, I know."

Kratos, Raine and Genis all groaned at the same time. "Let's get going, then," Raine said, leading the would-be heroes out the door.

"I hope you learned a lesson!" Lloyd called to the priest just before he left. "No one messes with Lloyd Irving and gets away with it!"

Raine smacked him.

"Well, let's get cracking, shall we?" Lloyd asked as they stepped outside, rubbing his hands together gleefully. The rest of his posse agreed. However, before they'd even left the House of Salvation's expansive yard, someone called them.

"Hey, blockhead! Know-it-all! Queer! Ditz! Annoying little brat!"

"Ha ha, Kratos!" Lloyd laughed and pointed to the mercenary. "He just called you a blockhead!"

Kratos chose not to reply. He turned instead to the soldier who came running up behind them. "Were you addressing us?" he asked icily.

"Err..." the soldier faltered, then saluted. "Sirs and madam and Chosen! Governor-General Dorr has asked you to help him in his invasion (at last) of the Palmacosta Human Ranch!"

"Invasion?" Lloyd repeated. "Human Ranch? Desians? Dorr? In?"

"Er, yeah, ignoring him," Raine pushed Lloyd out of the way, and he contented himself by repeating the rest of what the soldier had said. "Why should we help you out? We're trying to save the world, you know, and all these interruptions aren't really helping,"

"I agree," Kratos agreed.

"Whu-wh-what??" Lloyd looked up with horror. "You mean, we're not gonna kill a bunch of Desians? Aaaaaaaaaaw! But I wanna!"

"If this makes any difference..." the soldier piped up. "A Church of Martel Pilgrimage© tour guide has been kidnaped by the Desians, and Dorr decided that he'll destroy the ranch and save her all in one shot. You know, a sort of kill two flaming birds with one living stone deal,"

"Who's the tour guide that was kidnaped?" Genis asked, although it appeared he couldn't really care less.

"Her name is Chocolat,"

"Lyk, ZOMG!" Colette clapped her hands over her mouth. "That girl has, like, _terrible _luck with the Desians, doesn't she?"

"Probably 'cause she beats them up if they don't pay for one measly bottle of Palma Potion," Lloyd mumbled. For a second, he looked as though he were seriously considering _not_ invading the ranch. For a second. "But, I _really _wanna cut off some half-elf heads!"

"Oh, stop whining," Raine grumbled. "I guess we could help, but if the world doesn't get regenerated, we're blaming you,"

"Thanks a lot," the soldier saluted again. "Come on, you've got to meet Dorr and get briefed on the plan at the Human Ranch,"

"M'kay," Genis shrugged.

"Hmph," Kratos hmphed.

Lloyd screamed really loudly and swung a fist in the air. "WE'RE GONNA INVADE THE RA-ANCH! WE'RE GONNA INVADE THE RA-ANCH!"

--

"You know, I'm getting _really _sick of walking back and forth all over this freaking continent." Lloyd moaned as they climbed through yet another string of mountains.

"Oh, shut up," Raine sighed. "Look, you can see the ranch from here if you squint really hard and stand on your head."

Everyone proceeded to do so, except for Colette because she was wearing a dress.

"Well, let's get going then!" Lloyd grinned a dorky grin. "Man, I'm so freaking EXCITED!"

"This isn't a game, you know," Kratos lectured as they group stood back up and continued walking. "The Desians in that ranch gather in much greater volumes then the ones you fought in Iselia. Also, we may have to fight Magnius, the master of the ranch, who's skills far exceed your own."

"OK, Kratos."

"In addition, the Desians are likely prepared for an invasion, and will attack us in enormous mobs."

"Kratos, shut up."

"Then, of course, there is the fact that these are highly trained soldiers, all equipt with exspheres, and all several hundred years older than yourself."

"KRATOS!"

"And taking that all into account, we could also-"

Lloyd snapped. "KRATOS! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! IT'S A GIANT TOMATO!!"

In one motion, Kratos managed to rip out his sword, spin around to face his enemy, topple over backwards, and hide behind a rock.

"Wha-wh-hu-huh?" The poor, confused mercenary stared around wildly. "Wh-wh-where is i-it??"

Laughing, Lloyd scurried down the mountain and the rest of his posse followed, leaving Kratos hiding behind the rock. They had nearly reached the bottom when he finally caught up.

"You saw nothing." He said in his most scary and evil voice. No one dared defy him.

Soon, they had reached the ranch. His enthusiasm regenerated, Lloyd yelled every loudly and did several back flips before Raine finally had the sense to shut him up. The group tiptoed into the ranch, looking around for Dorr, or maybe the entire Palmacosta militia.

"Psst! Over here!"

The group looked over there and saw not Dorr, but his hot buddy Neil. They waved and scurried to join him in his hiding place behind some bushes.

"What up, dude?" Lloyd asked. "Ready to kick some Desian ass?"

"Er, well..." Neil looked at his hands nervously. "Y'see, uh... I-I think it would be better if you guys just - uh - went back to regenerating the world and, uh, don't come back to this area for at least thirteen years."

"Yeah, I- huh?" Lloyd stared at the hot guy. "Wh-why?"

"Yes, I'm curious as to why Palmacosta would suddenly not want our help, especially after they sent that crazy soldier after us." Kratos gave Neil a glare.

"Er, well, you know." he forced a smile and shrugged. "We figured, hey, these guys should just get back to their journey and - uh, well..."

"Where's Dorr?" Genis snapped. "He's got more sense then this incredibly sexy bozo."

"Dorr is... uhm..." Neil suddenly became very interested in a beetle that was crawling through the bush.

"Oh, I see," Kratos and Raine both moaned at the same time.

"Huh?" Lloyd, Colette, and Genis chorused back.

"See, it was a mystery as to why the Desians would leave a big city with it's own army alone like that." Kratos pointed out. "Wouldn't it be better for them to crush the seeds of rebellion before they can become a threat?"

"Yes," Raine nodded. "The fact that Palmacosta is still here must mean that it is not a threat to the Desians. Either that, or they might be somehow beneficial..."

"What?" Lloyd blinked.

"So, wait..." Genis said. "You mean that Palmacosta is actually... helping the Desians??"

"No," Raine shook her head. Then she turned to face a very uncomfortable-looking Neil. "I think that Governor-General Dorr is helping the Desians."

"Le gasp!" Colette slapped her hands over her mouth.

"I-is that true??" Lloyd asked Neil.

"Um, yeah, actually..." Neil dropped his gaze from the beetle to his shoes. "This was a plan, uh, so that the Desians could catch the Chosen."

"Jeez louise," Lloyd sighed. "That Dorr guy is a real bastard, in'ee?"

"Yeah..." Neil shrugged. "But I just found out! I wasn't helping the Desians! Really!"

"We believe you," Raine reassured him. "You're to stupid too pull off something like this."

Neil looked relieved. "Phew, thanks... hey, waita-!"

"So," Kratos started, ignoring Neil. "What do we do now?"

"I want to save Chocolat!" Colette cried.

"I want to kill some Desians!" Lloyd moaned.

"I think we should go beat up Dorr, too!" Genis added.

"We should find Dorr, but..." Raine shrugged. "There's not much we can do about the ranch."

"Aw, c'mon, Professor!" Colette and Lloyd whined in unison. "Why not?"

"Lloyd," Kratos looked at the teen sternly. "We were going to invade the ranch on the assumption that we would have the entire Palmacosta militia backing us up. Without their assistance, our force is much to small to overtake the entire ranch."

"Wow, Kratos," Lloyd blinked. "I didn't understand a word of that,"

"Neither did I," said the author.

"Look, Lloyd," Raine sighed. "We'll go interrogate Dorr, and then try and gather up the army to help us. OK?"

"Mm..." Lloyd looked thoughtful.

"Lloyd," Genis tugged the older boy's elbow. "We kill lotsa Desians later, un-der-stand?"

A lightbulb light up over Lloyd's head. "OK!"

Raine groaned. Then she turned to Neil and said: "We're going to - ahem - _punish _your boss now."

"O-OK... should I come, too?"

"You'd better not," Genis replied. "You probably wouldn't want to see it. Raine's punishments are - er - painful."

Raine then "punished" her brother. Neil was scarred for life.

"I-I'll j-just wait here then, e-e-eh?" he backed away from the group slowly, and curled up behind a bush.

"Well, that's that." Colette grinned. "But let's hurry up so we can help Chocolat, OK?"

"Mm." Lloyd replied. He gave the ranch a longing gaze before he and his posse once again began their trudge across the continent to Palmacosta.


	13. Chapter 13

Wanna hear a sad story? My internet's been down for the past week. So, I was already late on getting this chapter up, and then…

Yeah, I know. Really sad, huh?

Dorr's a dictator. 

**--**

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Mm, I just love the smell of underground jail cells in the morning! Don't you, Mister Six Hundred Thirty-Four?"

"..."

"Boy oh boy, feels like nothin' could go wrong on a day like today! Any minute now, your boss'll appear over there with the Chosen's head on a stick, and I'll get my wifey back!"

"... head on a stick? That's sick, man."

Dorr blinked, turning to face the Desian with whom he had been speaking. "But... don't all evil people put their enemies heads on a stick?"

The Desian frowned slightly. "I'm not evil..." he pouted. "Look, just gimme the Gald and I'll leave, mkay?"

"Hmph." Dorr reached into his pocket. "So, anyway... when will my wife - er - when will Clara return to her original form?"

The Desian grinned wickedly as he snatched the Gald from Dorr's hand. "Not yet. You still haven't paid us enough Gald. Hell, you've been paying us less and less!"

"But, this is the best I can do!" Dorr whined. "Tolls, taxes, offerings to the Church of Martel, and even that bank robbery - there's no where for me to squeeze any more money from!"

"Not my problem." Desian Six Hundred and Thirty-Four shrugged and turned to leave. He hadn't even made it up the stairs when a red figure leapt out and sliced his half-elven head off. Lloyd landed next to the Desian's body with a wicked grin. He was about to give a horribly disturbing war cry when Genis leapt out from behind him and slapped a hand over his buddy's mouth. He silently gestured towards Dorr, who had - miraculously - not noticed the group enter. He continued talking to his daughter, who was actually standing behind him.

"Daddy..." she whined.

"Ju-just a little longer, Kilia, and mommy will be back to normal. I'll... I'll raise the taxes on soy beans, that's what I'll do, and pay the Desians even more so they'll have to-"

"What's the meaning of this?" Lloyd stepped out into the open (after being released by Genis, of course) with a smug grin. Dorr spun around to face him. "Oh, what's the matter? You look like you just saw a ghost!"

"Um... Lloyd?" Genis asked, poking the swordsman. "That's a _really _clichéd line."

Lloyd smacked him. "Hey, shut up!"

"Wh-what are you all doing here?" Dorr stuttered as the rest of the Chosen posse stepped into the rather cramped basement. "N-Neil! Where's Neil?"

"I'm afraid Neil's not here," Raine said. She took a few steps towards the Governor-General, cracking her knuckles menacingly.

"So, Neil betrayed me!" Dorr shook his fist angrily. "That's the last time I play Truth or Dare with that asshole!"

"So, what's wrong with your wife?" Lloyd asked, almost sounding somewhat concerned. "Has she been kidnaped by the Desians or something?"

"You wanna know where my wife is??" Dorr spat, looking dreadfully peeved. He spun around and grabbed a thick cloth which was doing a fine job of covering a jail cell. "She's right freaking here!" With a dramatic jerk of his hand, the cloth fell to the ground, revealing the creature inside.

Dorr's wife resembled a post-monster Marble, save for the fancy dress she was wearing.

"Eeeew!" Lloyd squealed.

"Ergh..." Kratos paled.

"Wha-what is that monster?!" Genis cried, as if he hadn't seen the same type of creature less than a month ago.

"She's crying... she's crying out in pain..." Colette wailed, pointing at the monster. "I can hear her voice IN MY FREAKING HEAD!!"

"Calm down, dear," Raine patted the Chosen on the head lightly.

"So, you mean..." Lloyd began.

"That's right!" Dorr snapped. "This is what's become of my wife, Clara! Y'see, my father - the previous Governor-General-"

"Wait!" Genis held up a hand. "The _previous _Governor-General? What, weren't you _elected_? What is this, some sort of freaking monarchy?"

"Um, no... anyway, my father made the Desians mad and-"

"Shut up, dictator!" Genis tried to tackle the Governor-General, but Raine grabbed him and slapped some duct tape over his mouth. She nodded for Dorr to continue.

"Um... er, yeah, they killed my father, and put this demon seed in my wife. If I cooperate with them, they say they can bring her back to normal."

"But that means your betraying the people of Palmacosta!" Colette wailed.

"What do I care? We're never going to escape these stupid half-elves anyway."

"Colette will... the Chosen will save the world!" Lloyd hollered.

"The Chosen's journey of regeneration is not absolute," Dorr shot back.

"Shut up, idiot! I'm sorry about your freaking wife, but think of all the other people who got shipped off to the ranch just because of you and your stupid plans! Any one of them could have ended up just like your wife!"

"Silence, boy! Stop acting like your justice is absolute!"

Lloyd snapped. He's been doing a lot of that lately. "SHUT UP! Don't even _start_ spewing the word 'justice'! I HATE THAT FUCKING WORD! If you wanted to save your fucking wife, you should have quit your fucking job as fucking Governor-General and fucking searched for fucking medicine, or a fucking cure, or some-fucking-thing! You're a worthless fucking jerk who couldn't give up his fucking social status, even for his own fucking wife!"

Being the first to recover from the onslaught of 'fuck's, Colette spoke up. "Lloyd, please stop! Not everyone is brave enough to stand up to the Desians."

Lloyd, who had taken a deep breath to continue his rant, let it out with a sort of wet "ppffthbth". "C-Colette...?"

Colette turned and smiled at Dorr. "What if we go and find the medicine you mentioned? Then you wouldn't have to help the Desians."

"You would do that for me...?" Dorr asked, mouth agape.

"We would do that for him?" Genis asked, his mouth also agape, but that was because he had finally managed to remove the duct tape from it and was taking several deep breaths.

"Sure would," Colette gave a peace sign.

"Then... you forgive me for what I've done?" Dorr asked.

"It's not our place to forgive you," Colette preached. "That's for the people of this city to decide. BUT, I know that Martel will forgive you. She's inside you, and everyone else, but mostly me; waiting your own personal regeneration."

"Within... me...?" Dorr repeated.

"That's what she said, bozo." Lloyd grumbled.

"Absurd!" squeaked Kilia, making everyone jump in surprise; they had forgotten she was there. She stepped up and poked her father in a very specific spot on his back, and he toppled to the ground in some sort of screwed up coma. She grinned evilly and turned to the shocked Chosen and her posse. "The goddess Martel would _never_ lend aid to an inferior being."

"Wh-hu-whabba-hu-huh??" Lloyd sputtered.

"Ho-ow could you do that to your own father??" Genis cried.

"That's a laugh," said Kilia, doing just that. As she laughed, she underwent some horrific transformation. Moments later, the cute little blonde had been replaced with a purple spiky monster.

"What the hell??" Lloyd shouted. "I'm so freaking confused!"

"I am a servant of Pronyma, leader of the Desian Grand Cardinals." the would-be Kilia explained. "There's no way a superior half-elf like me could have a fool of a father like this," she pointed to Dorr's pathetically limp body laying over there.

"A... fool of a father?" Colette repeated.

"Yeah, just look at him!" Kilia laughed a ridiculously high-pitched and evil laugh. "He didn't even notice that his own daughter was dead because he was too busy chasing medicine that doesn't exist, in order to save his monster wife!"

"You..." Lloyd growled.

"How could you!?" Colette shrieked.

"Hey!" Kratos suddenly shouted. "I haven't said anything in this whole freaking chapter!"

And then, all together, the group attacked Kilia. Apparently the half-elf believed she could take all five of them alone. Needless to say, she was sorely mistaken. Moments later she lay on the floor with several gaping holes in her body and her right foot burned clear off the leg.

"OoOoOoOoOow..." she moaned.

"So, I'm wondering here," Genis poked Kilia's purple head. "If you're a half-elf, then why don't you look like a human or an elf, like the rest do?"

"Hell if I know," she mumbled. Then she grinned and evil grin and grabbed the lock on Clara's cage. "Well, I'm not going to die alone. I'll release this monster on you and it'll kill you all!" And she did. Then she died.

"Oh noes!" Colette moaned as Clara stumbled out of her jail cell. She slowly crawled towards the group and raised a grotesquely mutated hand to swipe all their heads off. Before she could, however, Colette's wings sprung out and she jumped into the air, screaming "STOP!"

And - for some obscure reason - Clara stopped. Then she turned tail and ran for it.

"That was... strange..." Raine mumbled.

"Got that right," Dorr moaned from where he lay on the floor. "Is Kilia safe...?"

Lloyd glanced around at his buddies. Then he crouched down beside Dorr. "Didn't you... ah, hear?"

"Hear what?" Dorr grabbed Lloyd by the collar and pulled him right up to his face. "WHAT HAPPENED TO KILIA??"

Lloyd sweatdropped. "She- er- she's fine! She's, um, just somewhere else! Yeah, that's it."

"Oh, OK." Dorr grinned. "Can you, er, find a way to help Clara so that Kilia won't be alone when she comes home?"

"S-sure thing!" Lloyd grinned nervously.

"And here, this is the code to get into the Human Ranch. So you can go save Chocolat. Oh, and everyone else in the ranch, too." He recited the code, and then died.

"Waaaah!" Genis wailed. "Oh, he was so young!"

"No… He wasn't..." Raine blinked.

"Aw, shut up, Genis," Lloyd groaned. "Come on, let's go attack the ranch now!"

"Alright, alright." Kratos shrugged. "Let's get going."

"YEAH!" Lloyd whooped. Then, he and company trudged up the stairs and out the door, leaving the dead bodies of Dorr, Kilia, and Desian Number Six Hundred Thirty-Four laying in the basement. Needless to say, the maid was seriously freaked out when she came down a few hours later.


	14. Chapter 14

So, we got Tales of the Abyss for Christmas, and I've been having fun comparing Luke's angsty "I don't wanna kill anyone!" attitude to Lloyd's stupid "KILL 'EM ALL!" attitude. Lloyd is such an idiot.

**--**

**Chapter Fourteen**

The journey to the Palmacosta Human Ranch was painfully similar to all the other journeys the group had taken through this continent. They walked, they climbed mountains, they ate sandwiches, they received death glares from Kratos, and finally came within sight of the ranch.

"Finally!" Lloyd moaned. "Alrighty, let's get going!"

"I think we should find Neil first," Raine pointed out.

"Aw, c'mon, Raine," Genis laughed. "It's been almost two days. Do you really think that idiot will still be here waiting for us?"

That idiot was still there waiting for them.

"Oh, you're back!" he grinned and waved them over to his hiding spot in the bushes. "So, how'd everything go?"

"Erm..." Colette began. "It's a kinda long story..."

Lloyd shortened it: "Dorr was being a jerk, his daughter killed him, we killed his daughter, and her mother escaped from jail."

Neil blinked. "Daughter killed... Dorr killed... mom is... wh-huh?"

"We don't have time to explain now," Kratos said gruffly. "We got the code to get into the ranch, so we are going to quietly sneak in and-"

"YEAH!" Lloyd ran towards the ranch, screaming and cheering. "LET'S GO, GUYS!"

"-and save everyone before they catch us," Raine finished. She pointed to Neil.

"Once we find the hostages, _you _need to help them escape, comprende?"

"A-alright," he replied. He pulled himself to his feet and followed the quintet to the ranch's front door. Raine entered the code, marveling at their luck that the Desians trusted Dorr enough to give him access to their ranch. Maybe they were just stupid. The front door slid open, and the group stepped over the welcome mat and into the ranch.

Lloyd took a deep breath of ranch air, then spat it out. "Ew, it smells like half-elf in here."

Genis pouted. The party walked down the eerily quiet halls of the ranch, checking every door they passed for any signs of life. They were just starting to talk amongst themselves, confident that no one was around, when voices around the corner made them freeze.

"-and so I told her, if that's how you wanna be, then we're through!"

"Wow. What'd she do?"

"You know how Forty-Nine is. She set me on fire."

Lloyd flattened himself against the wall. "Desians!" he whispered dramatically, making the entire party roll their eyes.

"Come on, we've got to hide!" Genis whispered and, ignoring Lloyd's protests, the group quickly piled into a small janitor's closet. It was a bit of a tight fit, but Lloyd stopped complaining once the Desian's voices reached their hiding spot.

"Hey, Eighty-Seven? Do you smell something?"

There was a loud squelching noise, like a plug being pulled from a drain. "Nah, I can't smell anything with this damn cold. What is it, Five Hundred?"

Five Hundred made a disgusted sound. "It smells like human in here."

Lloyd pouted.

"D'you think one of the host bodies escaped?"

"Mebbe. I guess we should go check it out, huh?" The Desian's footsteps soon disappeared, and the Chosen's posse tumbled out of the closet.

"Quick! Let's follow them!" Genis cried, pointing in the direction he assumed the Desians had gone. "They'll lead us to the captives!"

And so the group hurried down the halls. Soon the voices of numbers Five Hundred and Eighty-Seven became clearer, and Lloyd and company followed quietly. At long long last, they stepped after the Desians into a large room filled with very high-tech looking jail cells.

"Well, it doesn't look like - Hey!" Desian Five Hundred whipped around to find the Chosen group standing behind him. "When did you get here?" He reached for his crossbow, but had barely reached it when Lloyd's sword thrust itself into his stomach. Kratos did the same to Desian Eighty-Seven, and the half-elven pair fell to the ground with a bloody _thud_.

"Awright!" Lloyd raised his bloody sword in victory. Kratos groaned.

"Hey!" Cried a human from within one of the cages. "Let us out!"

"Yeah, let us out!" The other humans chorused.

"Hm... but how?" Genis asked, examining the cages closely.

"Maybe we should hit this switch that says 'Open all cages'?" Raine asked, sounding ever-so-slightly sarcastic. Without waiting for a response, she pressed the bright purple button, and all of the cages... opened.

"Yay!" The congregation of newly freed humans cheered.

"OK, everybody, follow me!" Neil called, waving his hands. It took several minutes before the excited crowd had calmed down enough to obey. Lloyd and company could hear the group as they thudded down the hallway, shouting and running into things.

"It'll be a miracle if they make it out without getting caught," Raine sighed.

"That's the spirit, Professor!" Lloyd grinned. "OK, let's go find Chocolat and then cut off Magnius' ugly head!"

Somewhere in the ranch, a certain red-haired half-elf sneezed.

"You know, Lloyd," Kratos started in 'lecture mode' as the group stepped over Desians Five Hundred and Eighty-Seven and continued down another spooky hallway. "We're not here to kill Magnius. We're here to save the captives and get the heck out of here."

"Yeah, whatever, Kratos." Lloyd shrugged. "We're at least going to sabotage the control room, aren't we?"

"How do you know there's a control room?" Kratos asked a bit too quickly.

"Aw, c'mon," Lloyd waved his hand in the mercenary's face. "All evil headquarters have a control room so that the hero can break in and hit the self-destruct button and save the day!"

"A self-destruct button?" Genis blinked. "Why would bad guys build one of those?"

"Beats me, but they do." Lloyd laughed loudly, attracting the attention of a Desian who stepped out of a nearby doorway holding a clipboard. Genis thwacked him over the head with the happy red ball on his kendama, and he dropped to the floor.

"Well, anyhoo..." Colette pointed to the end of the hallway. "I think we've hit a dead end."

The group, seeing that she was right, looked around the room in search of an exit. The only thing in the room was a round pedestal that might have been a warp pad had it been glowing.

"Oh, WOW!" Raine gasped, dropping beside the would-be warp pad. "Look! Look! This is made with magitechnology! OoOoOoh, this is so COOL!"

"Er, Professor?" Lloyd took a cautious step towards his teacher, who swung around and grabbed him by the collar.

"Don't touch it, you hear me?" she hollered, slamming his head against the ground. "Don't any of you touch it! I have to carbon date it!"

Lloyd floundered about in Raine's grip. He waved his hands about, until he hit the warp pad with a small click. Before Raine could actually kill him, the warp pad lit up and started humming gaily.

"Hey! I fixed it!" Lloyd grinned through a bloody nose and a few missing teeth.

"I don't think that was you, Lloyd," Kratos started. He pointed to the teen's hand, where the gigantic Sorcerer's Ring was glowing innocently.

"What, you think this ring made the warp pad just, like, _magically_ start working?" Lloyd rolled his eyes.

"Well, it did open that magic door in the Martel Temple, burn a Desian into a crispy pile of nothingness, and blast a high tech door off its hinges with a bolt of lighting. I think it's safe to assume that-"

"Ah, assume assume," Lloyd waved his hands in Kratos' face. "C'mon, let's get going!"

And so they did.

Seconds later, the group appeared somewhere else in the ranch just in time to witness a great bitch fight between some Desian chick and a certain brown-haired human. They watched in awe for a second before grabbing the human (who was, quite obviously, Chocolat), stabbing the Desian, and hopping onto another warp pad.

"Wow! You guys saved me!" Chocolat grinned. She flounced to Lloyd's side and gave him a big hug that lasted several more seconds than Lloyd, Colette, and Kratos would have liked.

"Erm, yeah," Lloyd mumbled, pushing the girl off of him.

"Dorr finally mobilized his plans, didn't he?" she asked with a proud glint in her eye.

"Er, well..."

"Oh, yeah!" Colette interrupted, giving Chocolat a thumbs-up. "It was all Dorr's idea! Yup! Dorr, the Governor-General, who is definitely _not_ helping the Desians! That Dorr! All his idea! Uh-huh. Yup."

Chocolat blinked. "Err, alrighty then."

"We're looking for the control room," Raine told Chocolat.

"I thought we agreed that a control room existed only in Lloyd's mind." Kratos mumbled, but no one heard him.

"A control room?" Chocolat asked. "I don't really know what that is, but when I came here I saw a room filled with sparkling lights and other magical-looking things!"

"It's not magic, sweetheart," Raine sighed. "It's technology. Anyway, it sounds promising. Will you take us there?"

"Sure thing! 'Cause I always help people in need! That's my motto!" Chocolat gave a peace sign before spinning around and flouncing (yes, flouncing) to yet another warp pad. The circle seemed to be turned off until Lloyd tapped it with his magic ring, and it sprung to life.

"So, how do the Desians get around here without a Sorcerer's Ring?" Lloyd asked Chocolat as the group began stepping into the green circle one by one.

"Um, they press that button over there-" she pointed to a big red button next to the warp pad that the Chosen posse had somehow managed to miss. "-And the magic circle turns on."

"Figures," Lloyd mumbled as he vanished with a small green _vip_.

Lloyd, along with the rest of his posse, found themselves in a large room filled to the brim with high-tech-looking machinery. They immediately set out in search of a "self-destruct button", except for Kratos who still insisted that no one in their right mind would build such a thing.

The group's search was suddenly interrupted when at least thirty Desians leapt out of nowhere.

"Holy hell!" Lloyd squeaked as four crossbows were aimed directly at his head.

From behind the Desians, a chair appeared very dramatically in the center of the room, seating none other than the Grand Cardinal, Magnius. The effect was rather ruined, however, when he appeared facing away from them, and spent several seconds glancing around wildly before he noticed the congregation behind him.

"So!" he spat with a wicked sort of grin. "The forsaken Chosen and her entourage of _vermin _have finally arrived!"

"For...saken?" Kratos repeated.

"Enourage?" Colette added.

"Vermin?" Raine pointed out.

"Chosen?" Genis piped up.

"The??" Lloyd tried. Everyone gave him a strange look, and he blushed. "W-well, you guys took all the good ones!"

Everyone groaned.

Lloyd flicked his hair, trying to look confident. "You've got it mixed up, Magnius. You're the one that's forsaken. We're gonna totally kick your ass!"

"Pfft. Whatever!" Magnius waved to a Desian, who scurried across the room and pulled a slide projector out of a closet. "Check this out. We know you're every move! And, I know about those inferior beings trying to escape, too!" He cackled maniacally as the Desian propped up the projector and started showing an array of photos - most of the Chosen's posse searching the base, some of Neil and the human captives locked in a room, and one of a green-haired woman with pointed ears in the shower.

"Woah!" Magnius leapt out of his chair and yanked the photo of the woman from the projector. "How did _that_ get in there?" He hastily shoved the picture into his vest pocket and turned back to Lloyd and co. "Anyway, the point is, you're little human friends are locked in the cafeteria, and there's nothin' you can do about it!"

A Desian suddenly cried out. "The cafeteria? B-but, sir! What if they eat our food? Aw, dinner's gonna taste like human for weeks!"

"Shut up, Four Thirty-Seven!" Magnius snapped, and the Desian closed his mouth instantly.

"Hey, no worries!" Lloyd said, as if being surrounded by Desians was no reason to worry. "We can go rescue them after we take care of you!"

Magnius snickered. "Heh, big words from the kid who's futile actions brought about the attack on Iselia!"

Lloyd's head drooped. "Th-er, th-that was..."

"I know!" Magnius snapped his fingers. "How about I recreate the incident using the exspheres on those inferior beings?"

Lloyd snapped to attention, as did the rest of the group. "N-no! Stop!"

The Grand Cardinal laughed. "Aw, c'mon. It'll be easy. I've just got to remove all their exshperes and turn them into monsters! Just like that old lady you killed! Just like Marble!"

This drew collective gasps from the crowd.

"Marble? You mean my Grandma?" Chocolat gasped.

"Hey! Why'd you tell them that??" Lloyd gasped.

"Sir! You remember that inferior being's human name?" Desian Six Twenty-Five gasped.

"Yes, because, and maybe!" Magnius roared. He then turned to Chocolat. "Yeah, dear old granny Marble got shipped off to the Iselia Ranch, where she was killed by Lloyd!"

Chocolat gasped and turned to glare at Lloyd, who grinned nervously.

"Er, well..."

"Wait, it wasn't like that!" Genis shouted from where he lay underneath a Desian's boot. "Lloyd tried to save her, but a lot of stuff happened and-"

"Lloyd killed her!" Magnius finished.

"No!" Genis corrected. "She blew up all over Forcystus."

Magnius blinked. "Really? Ha. What a loser." He made a mental note to use that as blackmail against his fellow Grand Cardinal. "But she only blew up because_ Lloyd _stabbed her repeatedly with his sword!"

"N-no! It can't be! Angst!" Chocolat tried to run away, but forgot that she was surrounded by Desians. A pair grabbed her and dragged her away.

"Hey! Let her go!" Lloyd hollered.

"Leave me alone! I'd rather die than be rescued by Grandma's murderer!" Chocolat wailed as she and the Desians disappeared into another warp pad.

"What?" Colette asked. "She'd rather... what?"

"That girl is seriously screwed up." Lloyd shook his head. Then, without warning, he whipped out his swords, taking out three surprised Desians in one slice. The rest of his group followed suit, and within seconds the small a_rmy_ had fallen.

"w00t!" Genis punched the air. Colette tried to give him a high-five, but toppled over absolutely nothing. Lloyd triumphantly pulled a card labeled "PASS" out of a Desian's pocket and slid it into his own.

"What the fuck??" Magnius sputtered. "Were they _sleeping_ during the two months of military training or _what?_" He pointed to his dead underlings angrily. "Good help is so hard to find these days!"

Still grumbling, he yoinked his giant axe out of nowhere and brandished it before him.

"Fine, then! I'll just have to take care of you myself!"


	15. Chapter 15

The other night, I was playing ToS with my sister and a friend, and I found out that the chick's name is Candy. I immediately opened this file and added that in.

I think it suits her.

**--**

**Chapter Fifteen**

"Ooh, cliffhanger!" Lloyd said, wiggling his gloved fingers in the air. He was forced to stop a second later when Magnius' axe swung over his head, taking several strands of brown hair with it.

"Eek! My hair!" Lloyd gripped his head and wailed.

"Not again," Kratos groaned, tackling Magnius before he could behead Lloyd. They jousted off in a corner while Raine tried to convince a sobbing Lloyd that his hair actually looked much better than before. Meanwhile, in yet another obscure corner, Colette had just completed a pink and sparkly spell.

"Angel Feathers!" she cried, and out of nowhere a thousand razor-sharp (but still pink and sparkly) feathers flew straight at Magnius' head.

"Dear God, get them out of my EYES!" He hollered, clawing at his face in a pitiful attempt to remove the feathers that were lodged there. The group took advantage of his lack of concentration to stare in Colette's direction.

"When did you learn that?" Genis asked, bewildered.

"Um, when I got my wings," she chose that moment to reveal her shiny wings, making everyone go all goo goo eyed. Suddenly, the floor beneath them erupted like a volcano.

"ERUPTION!" Magnius bellowed a few seconds too late, apparently over the fact that pink feathers still stuck from his forehead at varying angles. The posse screamed and ran for it, most suffering only minor burns. Genis even managed to hit the Desian with an Aqua Blade before an apple gel was smashed in his face, healing him instantly.

Lloyd and Kratos pulled off what could have been considered a team attack; that is, they both attacked Magnius at the same time. Magnius tried to duck under the barrage of swords, but the dynamic duo managed to land a few blows on his red head before he swung his axe at them desperately and they were forced to retreat.

At that very moment, Raine snuck up behind the Desian and swung her staff directly at his head. With a loud _crack_, a slightly cross-eyed Magnius toppled over. The group stood there, momentarily stunned, before Lloyd suddenly gave a loud whoop.

"Whoop! You rock, Professor Sage!" he cheered.

Raine dusted off her sleeve. "Yes, I know. Now, how about we find that 'self-destruct' button?"

Kratos was about to point out that there was no way the Desians would ever build such a thing, but he was rudely interrupted by Magius, who gasped from the floor: "H-how did you find out about our self-destruct button?" before his head dropped in a dead faint.

Kratos stood, flabbergasted, as the rest of the group began searching the room. A moment later, Colette called out, "Professor! I think I found it!". Raine bustled over to where the Chosen stood pointing to a large purple button that read "SELF-DESTRUCT" in large, clear letters.

"Well, I'll set it for fifteen minutes," Raine said, typing on the keyboard beside the button for a few seconds before she actually pressed it. "OK, let's get the hell out of here."

And they did. Lloyd was just about to lead the way onto the green warp panel when suddenly out of nowhere, Magnius grabbed his boot. Barely managing to keep his balance, Lloyd tried to kick the Desian off.

"Eeew!" he squealed. "Get it off me!"

"W-wait!" Magnius shouted. "I-I can still fight! W-w-wait a second..."

"Oh, give it up, doofus," Raine sighed. "You've lost. Deal with it."

"N-no!" Magnius wailed, releasing Lloyd's boot to wallow in his misery. "How could I lose??"

"It's because you are a fool, Magnius." Kratos told him matter-of-factly. "Cruxis has already accepted Colette as the Chosen of Mana. Deal."

"Wh-huh?" Magnius blinked stupidly. "She is the Chosen? Then I- you - I was... deceived!"

"Oh can it, ya big lump," Genis waved his hand. Lloyd paused only a second to give the Desian one last stab in the belly before the group hurried from the room.

Left alone in the room that would explode any minute now, Magnius dragged himself to a large machine near the center of the room, which was labeled "COMMUNICATOR". He slammed his fist against a bright green button and, a moment later, a man with purple hair and glasses appeared in the machine.

"Oh, hello, Lord Magnius!" he said in a rather high-pitched voice. "Everything alright over there?" Apparently he didn't see the blood streaming from where pink feathers punctured Magnius' face, or the large bump forming on the back of his head, or the rather gaping hole through his stomach.

"Rodyle, you tricked me!" Magius hollered at the hologram, making a rude gesture with his bloody hand. "There was no order to eliminate the Chosen, was there?"

Rodyle chuckled a similarly high-pitched and evil giggle. "Oh, yes. Collecting Gald for me, killing the Chosen - you've been very helpful." he paused to giggle again. "You are _so _easy to take advantage of, you idiot."

Magnius made a sound that might have been a combination between a scream of fury and a whimper.

"Well, farewell, Lord Magnius!" the green-clad man gave Magnius a wicked grin before he vanished.

"DAMMIT!" Magnius hollered. "I'll see you in hell, bastard!" Then, talking to apparently no one, he continued: "Lord Yggdrasill, glory to the coming age of half-elves!"

--

"The ranch?" Neil repeated, looking confused. "Explode? Any second now? Huh?"

Colette, the only member of the group who actually paused to tell Neil to haul his ass out of here, gave a long and drawn out sigh.

"Yes, the _ranch _is going to _explode _any _second now._ Do. You. Understand?"

"Um..." Neil glanced at the ranch, then back at Colette. She tossed her hands in the air in a very good imitation of Lloyd. Then, she grabbed the man's hand and dragged him away from the ranch. Seconds later, with an enormous _KER-BOOM!_, the ranch was blown to smitherines.

"That was close!" She giggled. Beside her, Neil curled up into a ball and began rocking back and forth.

Above, Raine had just finished a head count of everyone present, which included the Chosen, her four idiots, and fifty-six prisoners. She noticed that none of the fifty-six had taken a bath in quite a while, and were definately not Chocolat.

"I suppose she was taken to another ranch," Kratos said with a shrug.

Lloyd tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I wonder why the Desians don't just _kill _her?"

"Hell if I know," Neil said, pulling himself to his feet. "So, what do we do now?"

Genis glared. "Hey, isn't that _your_ responsibility, Mr. Second-in-Command?" Neil shrugged.

"These people will need Key Crests for their exshperes," Raine pointed out, indicating a random captive's hand where an exsphere glinted menacingly.

"Oh, I know!" Lloyd exlaimed, snapping his fingers. He turned to Neil. "Look, send a note to a dwarf named Dirk. He lives by Iselia. Tell him that Lloyd sent you, and that you need... er," he ran another quick count of the humans present. "um, fifty-six Key Crests. You can't take the exspheres off without 'em, see, or everyone will turn into a monster."

Neil nodded, putting away the notes he had been taking. "So, what are you going to do now?"

Lloyd raised his arms over his head. "We're gonna take a well-earned siesta!"

"No, we are not," Kratos punched Lloyd in the nose. "We are going to Thoda Island to find the Spiritua Statue, then give it to that old man, then get the Book of Regeneration, decifer it, find and release all the seals, travel to the Tower of Salvation, and save the world."

Lloyd deflated. "Killjoy." he murmered.

"Well, let's get cracking, shall we?" Genis said, clapping his hands in a perfect imitation of Lloyd, who smacked him.

"Er, good luck!" Neil said before he spun around and herded all fifty-six of the former prisoners away from the busted ranch.

"Bye bye!" Colette called, waving cheerfully. "Well? Come on! Let's get going!"

And before he could protest, Colette had grabbed Lloyd's arm and dragged him in the opposite direction, towards Thoda Geyser.

--

"So, how do we get to Thoda Island, anyhoo?" Genis piped up, a few hours later, as the group trudged over the annoyingly familiar turf.

Raine pulled out her brother's infamous map, which hasn't made an appearance in quite a while. She shook it open and pointed to Thoda Island. "There's the island, and here," she pointed to a small dot along the coast, "is Thoda Dock, where they have boats that take you to the island."

"Wow! We get to ride in a boat again?" Colette chirped. She giggled at the nauseous face Raine made.

It didn't take much longer to reach the dock, which was blessedly close to the Human Ranch. As the group walked along the coast, they couldn't help but notice the absolute lack of boats at the docks.

"Maybe we have to, like rent one first?" Colette asked.

"But, wouldn't they still be sitting in the water?" Genis asked.

"Hmm... maybe we should ask in there?" Lloyd asked, pointing to a building which had a large sign before it which read "HELP".

"Does the building need help?" Kratos asked with a lopsided grin.

"...no, Kratos, that means that _we_ can get help _inside_ the building." Raine said slowly.

"It was... a joke..."

"You have no sense of humor, Kratos," Lloyd said. He turned and led the way into the Help Building, where he and the rest of his posse were greeted by an overly cheerful receptionist.

"Hello!" she said loudly, waving her hand in Lloyd's face. "Welcome to the Thoda Dock! My name is Candy, and I'm here to help you! Are you here on a tour?"

Lloyd took a step backwards and bumped into Kratos, who blushed. "Er, sort of,"

"Weeell, I can get you set up with a ride to the Island! Hang out here for just a sec, m'kay?" she spun on her heel and flounced away to a desk in the corner, where she began shuffling through some papers. Moments later, she came back with an official looking document in hand.

"I just need Mommy or Daddy to sign here," said Candy, and it was a moment before the group realized that she was holding the papers out to Kratos and Raine. The mercenary took the paper without a word and started filling out the paper.

"So, are these all yours?" she asked, and Raine flushed.

"N-no, of course not! I'm not that old!"

The receptionist frowned at her white hair, and then turned to Lloyd. She pinched his cheek and said: "But this one here looks just like Mr. Purple!"

Lloyd backed away, running into Kratos yet again. "N-no way, lady! Kratos isn't my dad! Right, Kratos?" he turned to the redhead for support. Kratos made an odd choking noise and turned back to the form.

"Raine is my big sister!" Genis said, pointing to Raine, who nodded eagerly. Candy smiled and patted his white-haired head.

"Aw, they are so _cute_ at that age!" she squealed before addressing Genis in a sing-song voice one would use when speaking to a four-year-old. "So, how old are you, little mister?"

Genis glared. "I'm twelve fucking years old, bitch." he snapped. Candy leapt back in surprise. Kratos used the moment to hand her the paper, which she took with a detatched sort of smile.

"Thank you very much, Mr... ah, Mr. Aurion," she glanced at the form and started out the door. "We'll set you up in a tub right now. Follow me, please."

The group followed, a bit annoyed. Candy lead them to a dock, and the group's confusion only grew when couldn't see any boats. Still, the receptionist gestured over the dock, and by leaning slightly out over the water, Lloyd could see...

"A... washtub?"

Genis leaned around the older boy. "Yup," he confirmed. "It's a washtub."

Kratos leaned in to check as well. "Washtubs... hm..."

"Ooh, boy!" Colette clapped her hands together. "This looks like fun!"

"You all... go on without me..." came a queasy sort of voice from behind the group, who spun around to see that Raine had returned to the shore.

"What? Oh, c'mon, Professor! It'll be great!" Colette called.

"I'm not sure if great's the word we're looking for..." Genis muttered dryly.

"Washtubs... hm..." Kratos repeated, not looking up from the said washtub. "Is this really legal over here...?"

Ignoring the distracted mercenary, Colette skipped over to her Professor and grabbed her hand. She tugged Raine towards the dock again, but the Professor leapt back with a loud "Aaah!"

There was a moment of silence as the entire group (including Kratos, who's head jerked up from the washtub) stared at the Professor.

"...Aaah?" Lloyd finally repeated. "Professor Sage, are you... afraid of water, or something?"

Raine looked flustered. "O-of course not! I w-was just about to say 'Ah, this should be fun!'." She determinedly strode past the group and lowered herself into a washtub, where she sat looking ever-so-slightly green.

Kratos couldn't help but hold in an evil sort of chuckle before he followed the seasick teacher into a washtub. The rest of the group piled in, including - to several people's annoyance - Noishe. The receptionist handed Lloyd a paddle.

"Thoda Island is that way," she instructed, pointing out to sea where a fuzzy blob sat on the horizon. Then, without further ado, she untied the washtub and kicked it out onto the waves.

There was a small fight over who got to use the paddle (which Lloyd won), and the rest of the group started using their hands and/or paws to splash towards the distant island.


	16. Chapter 16

I always like getting reviews, but I never review anything I read. I'm such a hypocrite.

I have a pretty good excuse, though...! What with my crappy dial-up internet, it takes way too long to open up the window, log on, write and submit the review...

Aw, who am I kidding? I suck. XD

Review away, dear readers. 3

**--**

**Chapter Sixteen**

It was a very wet and grumpy group that reached Thoda Island several hours later, led by the not-so-wet but still very grouchy Lloyd.

"Well, let's get this shit over with," he grumbled. Colette told him to watch his language, and Lloyd replied by shoving his middle finger in her eye. She yelped and fell backwards over Noishe, who whimpered and hid in some bushes. Lloyd then led the way as the Chosen posse headed up towards the Thoda Geyser.

Lloyd's enthusiasm was immediately renewed when he saw the boiling water explode from the fissure several feet below.

"Dude!" he gasped, pointing at the third world wonder. "Check it freaking out! If you fell in there you'd, like, die!" he giggled, until he remembered that it was he who had offered to get the statue.

"Err..." he erred. "Y'know, I think I'll just-" he tried to run for it, but Raine and Kratos grabbed his arms and dragged him to the edge of the cliff overhanging the geyser. Genis stepped foreward and gave Lloyd what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

"No worries, Lloyd," he said cheerfully. "I'll freeze this boiling water that easily exceeds one hundred fifty degrees celcius so good that it'll last for maybe a whole twenty seconds!"

Lloyd wimpered.

"OK, Lloyd," Kratos said, shaking Lloyd's shoulder. "See the statue over there? Just jump down, grab it, and jump back up here in less than twenty seconds." the mercenary noticed that his hand was still on Lloyd's shoulder, and he pulled it off quickly with a glowing red face.

"O-OK, I can do this..." Lloyd tried to take a deep, calming breath, but was interupted when Genis shouted "Go! Go! Go!" and pushed the unfortunate teen over the ledge.

"Yeeargh!" Lloyd hollered, waving his arms like a windmill. Horribly aware of the quickly melting ice around him, Lloyd slipped and slid his way across the slick surface. He heard gasps and oohs from above when he fell flat on his face. Scrambling again to his feet, the teen made one last desperate leap across the ice. He landed with a slippery _thud _on a rock beside the Spiritua Statue just as the geyser erupted behind him.

"YESSS!" he grabbed the statue and waved it above his head in a slippery sort of victory dance. He stopped quickly when he almost fell into the boiling water. Still waving the statue around like an idiot, a horrible thought crossed his mind.

"Hey, Genis?" he called hesitantly. He tried a bit louder. "Genis? GENIS! How am I supposed to get back??"

Safely back atop the cliff, Genis was just about to cast another ice spell when a rather disturbing thought occured to him.

"Let's just leave him there," he said with a disgustingly evil grin. The idea was scratched, however, when the blushing duo of Kratos and Colette smacked him and nearly sent the poor elf toppling after his brown-haired buddy.

"OK! OK!" Clutching his poor head with one hand, Genis used the other to cast a quick ice spell on the geyser.

Below, Lloyd - who had curled into a ball and was sniffling loudly - looked up to find the geyser frozen over again. He quickly slid his way back to his friends, who (somewhat reluctantly) pulled him back up.

"Man, that was a close one!" Lloyd gasped, hugging his middle and shivering slightly. Everyone waited patiently until he recovered and held up the Spiritua Statue triumphantly. The whole group (consisting mostly of Colette) applauded. Then, while Lloyd tried to protect the statue from Raine - who had immediately entered ruin-mode upon seeing the statue - and Kratos and Genis exchanged looks of utmost contempt, Colette wandered off a bit. She headed up a flight of stone steps to read a boring-looking sign, and was surprised to find a stone dias behind it.

"Professor!" she called, turning back to the elf who was brutally ripping off Lloyd's arms. "Professor, can you come here a minute?"

"Kinda busy, dear," Raine managed to gasp, now attempting to karate chop the statue out of Lloyd's bloody hands.

"But, Professor... I think this is one of those Oracle Stones!"

Raine was standing beside Colette in less than a second.

"Hmm... ah, yes, you're right. Amazing, look at how the polycarbonate is hardly affected by the water eroding at it for thousands of years!"

Ignoring his teacher, Lloyd shrugged in an annoyed fashion. "Man. So I went and got that statue for nothing?"

"Not necessarily," Kratos pointed out. "We don't know how many seals are left or-"

He was interupted by what sounded like a cross between a whimper and a squeal of delight, coming from the Professor. "Oh, it's simply wonderous!" she swooned. She then turned to the Chosen, who stood off to the side nervously. "Colette, dear-"

Colette slapped her hand onto the stone as quickly as she could. Unfortunately, that wasn't what Raine wanted today.

"NONONONONO! You stupid girl! Get-off-get-off-GETOFF!" The slightly crazed elf bashed the Chosen's head against the dias before throwing her bodily into Lloyd, who was so surprised he toppled over backwards. Raine turned back to the Oracle Stone and started stroking it, muttering words of comfort.

The entire group gave her a long, hard stare. At last, Colette spat out a mouthful of blood and cried:

"Hey, look at that!" She pointed at 'that', which turned out to be a sparkling semi-transparent bridge, which led from the Oracle Stone to a cave that had just appeared in the rock above the geyser. Several tourists, who had recently arrived at the geyser, oohed and aahed and pointed at the sparkling spectacle. Lloyd and Colette exchanged a high-five.

The Chosen and her band of idiots hurried up the bridge, followed by an incredibly reluctant Professor Raine. Just before he entered the cave, Lloyd turned around and called to his beloved doggy pal.

"Noooishe!" he shouted, and the dog-thing leapt out of the bushes in rapt attention. "Noishe, guard this bridge with your life!" Noishe saluted, and Lloyd spun about and entered the cave.

--

Noishe sat proudly before the sparkling bridge. He had already frightened away three tourists and a squirell, and was feeling mighty pleased with himself. So, when a certain dark-haired and large-chested ninja strode up, he stood up straight and said:

"None may pass."

Of course, Noishe was a dog (thing), so to the assassin we now know to be Sheena it sounded more like, "Bawoo, growl snort." She smiled and patted the doggy on the head. Noishe, always a sucker for women who smelled of pineapple, gave her a big sloppy kiss.

Then, the ninja did something totally unexpected. She landed a karate chop directly on Noishe's head, and then kicked his doggy legs out from under him. Before the poor dog (thing) had a chance to do anything, Sheena was hurrying up the sparkling bridge. Horrified, Noishe sprang to his feet to go after her, but he had hardly taken three steps when in a cloud of smoke his way was blocked by another of the assassin's little animal friends. This one, a fox-ish creature with blue tails, snarled ferociously at Noishe, who wasted no time in turning tail and running for it. Lloyd could take care of himself.

Meanwhile, Sheena had nearly reached the cave in which the Chosen's posse had dissappeared only seconds ago. She turned around to give her fox buddy a thumbs-up, when suddenly the bridge vanished beneath her. With only seconds before she hit the boiling geyser beneath her, the assassin pulled some totally awesome ninja trick and ended up right back where she started; next to her fox buddy.

"Dammit," she muttered, shaking her fist at the cave now several feet above her. "I really will kill you all next time!"

"That's starting to sound old," the fox pointed out. Sheena gave the creature a slap over the head before the two of them vanished in a cliched burst of smoke.

--

"Hmm..." Kratos hmmed.

Lloyd turned to see what Kratos was hmming about. "What's up?"

Kratos shrugged. "It seems like that girl didn't make it in."

Lloyd blinked. "What girl?"

"Didn't you notice? That girl from before? She was following us."

"I-I... I was busy th-thinking about... about stuff and... stuff..." Lloyd suddenly became very interested in a crab that was making it's way across the wet stone.

Kratos gave him a super death glare. "Pay more attention, you idiot. Don't you want to protect the Chosen? You can't do so if an assassin sneaks up behind you, now can you?"

Lloyd blew a big, wet rasberry. "Oh, suuure. Because you're _so_ perfect and you never make _any_ mistakes, Mr. Perfect."

Kratos seemed as though he had missed the sarcasm. "Even I make mistakes..." he paused for a moment and started walking. When he was almost to far away for Lloyd to hear, he continued: "I made a terrible one, once..." He caught Lloyd's eye, blushed horribly, and then hurried into the cave.

Lloyd blinked. "Uhn... alright then."

--

The mystical cave that quite obviously housed the Seal of Water was wet, slippery, and infested with crazy-violent starfish. The group had an unfortunate run-in with at least six of them, as well as one of those spinny things from a car wash, and nearly met their end. If it weren't for Raine's crazy healing skizzles and a pocketful of apple gels, the World Regeneration would have surely met it's end.

Which is pretty damn pathetic, if you think about it.

Soon, the group came to a large and wet room that simply reeked of complicated puzzles and whatnot. Thankfully, all of this was avoided when Lloyd filled a jar with water that exploded convinently from the Sorceror's Ring. The filled jar flipped a lever, which swung a stick which pressed a button, which dropped bowling ball which hit a squirrel which began running in a plastic wheel after some cheese, which generated a large machine which made a magical purple warp pad appear before the astounded group.

"That was... astounding." Raine muttered. Her students and Kratos nodded in agreement before stepping onto the panel. They vanished with a purply _vip_.

Moments later, Genis led the way into a room which was painfully similar to the room where they released the Seal of Fire, minus the lava and much more wet. If you were an elf, which Genis and Raine were, you would also notice a very similar rise in the mana level in the room right before a monster attacked your group and... oh.

A giant fishy-headed monster, backed by a pair of flying mermaids, attacked the group. Seeing as Genis was in front, he got hit with the whole slimy attack, leaving him dazed and wet.

Kratos immediately leapt into action, swinging his thick steel sword against the giant fish-head's fish-head. Fish-head screamed in fury, and his lackeys thwacked Kratos over the head with their harps.

Dizzy and feeling a bruise forming on his forehead, Kratos staggered backwards. Recognizing his time to shine, Lloyd jumped in where the mercenary and left off. Unfortunately, the mermaids made short word of his thick skull as well.

From the other side of the room, Colette and Genis took turns tossing chakrams and/or casting spells, which was doing a good job of wearing the monsters down. One of the mermaids died with a loud _snap_ of mana, and the blonde and the elf exchanged a high-five.

Meanwhile, Kratos and Lloyd and had regained consciousness (mostly thanks to Raine, who used some kick-ass elven magic to revive them). Lloyd immediately repeated his former plan; that is, he continued hacking away at Fish-head. As he watched the teen get knocked across the room again by the remaining mermaid, Kratos rolled his eyes and cast a lightning spell, which fried the annoying fish. Raine ran up and started dicing up the fish and packing it into her pockets - she was damn sick of eating sandwiches for every meal.

Without his mermaid friends to protect him, Fish-head was a sitting duck. Using an amazing bit of teamwork that none thought possible, the group hit Fish-head with one last electric fire balling chakraming demon fanging attack. The monster was reduced to nothing in seconds.

The group had no time to celebrate, however. The obviously loud and important voice of Lord Remiel echoed through the room, telling Colette in big bold letters to offer her prayers to the Goddess. The blonde did so.

"Oh, Goddess Martel, nurturer and protector of the earth, grant my thy strength!" Colette spread her pink wings and fluttered up to join her angelic father, who appeared in yet another burst of light and feathers. Remiel gave an obviously forced smile; apparently he was pissed about something or another.

"**Good job, Chosen One.**" he said shortly. "**Accept this gift of angel-ness from Cruxis.**"

Colette tilted her head to one side. "Um, Father? Have I done something to displease you?"

"**No.**" the angel said, looking away and crossing his arms and pretty much giving the impression that Colette _had _done something to displease him, but hell if he was going to say anything about it. Still, once Colette had received her "gift of angel-ness", he proceeded to do his dance and poetry combo, if a bit less enthusiastic than usual.

"**Go through the mountains,**

**past a house with many towers,**

**in a land full of ruins,**

**you'll gain new angel powers.**"

"We don't need your help anymore!" Lloyd called. "We've already found the book that tells us where to go!" He couldn't tell if Remiel had heard him, however, as the angel vanished before he could reply.

Colette dropped to the ground and her wings flickered away. Clasping her hands nervously, she faced her friends. "Um, guys?" she asked. "Was it just me, or did Lord Remiel seem a bit angry today?"

"Maybe a bit," Genis said sarcastically, with a wave of his hand.

"C'mon, you guys," Lloyd called, stepping onto the warp pad. "Let's get out of here; the humidity in this room is totally ruining my hair."

For some obscure reason, Kratos dropped his face into his hands and started crying. By listening carefully, Raine and Colette could make out garbled bits of sentences: "...stupid kid... mother's fault... hair, for Martel's sake, HAIR..."

"You know," Genis piped up from below. "It's really kind of depressing to see him so pathetic." The girls nodded and followed the elf onto the warp pad. A few moments later, Kratos dried his eyes and followed them.


	17. Chapter 17

OK, seriously. How many people got lost going to Asgard? I DID.

Happy Valentines Day, guys. Thanks for sticking with me for so long. I'm not sure if I would've. 3

**--**

**Chapter Seventeen**

Following the same route they had used tothere, Lloyd and Co. backtracked through the slippery cave and across the magical sparkling bridge. As they stepped onto the rocky floor, Lloyd noticed a lack of greenish dog creatures guarding the bridge. He was just heading off to give that damn dog a piece of his mind when there was a gasp behind him. Seconds later, Colette's body crashed into his, and the pair fell to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs and scarves.

"Ow! Colette, be more careful, wouldja?" Lloyd snarled. Several seconds later, when Colette didn't start apologizing, Lloyd panicked. "Professor! Colette's sick again!"

"Mmmrgh..." Colette agreed.

"Hmm," Raine leaned down to examine Colette, who still lay sprawled over a very uncomfortable Lloyd. "Yes, I see. If this continues, Colette's going to have a hard journey ahead of her. From now on, I shall call this phenomenon Angel Toxicosis."

"I don't care if you call it Sally! Get Colette off me!"

After dragging the semi-concious Chosen off her friend, the remaining members of the group decided that now would be a good time to set up camp. Which was hard to do on a tiny island that was made up of mostly stone or geyser, but they managed.

A few hours later, Colette was feeling marginly better. She had apologized profusly to Lloyd, sat through a meal of fried fish (although she fed it to Noishe when no one was looking), and even partook in a game of Parcheesi before the posse agreed to call it a night. Leaving Kratos to keep watch - which he'd been doing a lot of, mostly because no one liked him much - the rest spread out their sleeping bags and one by one fell asleep.

Some time later, Lloyd awoke from a horrible dream involving men with pink afros and very disturbing bunnies to find that Colette was not in her blue sleeping bag beside him. Pulling on his boots, Lloyd stood up to look for her.

It didn't take long to do; Lloyd found the blonde sitting near the geyser, watching it erupt with a distant sort of look. Lloyd hunkered down beside her.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" he asked. Colette shrugged. "You're not going to get better if you don't get any sleep, you know."

The Chosen looked flustered. She pointed back to the campsite. "Look," she said. "Kratos is still awake."

"That's because he volunteered to be the night watch." Lloyd said smugly.

Colette looked confused. "He didn't volunteer. You threatened him with tomato soup until he said he'd keep watch."

Lloyd appeared as though he didn't hear her. "So, anyways, you'd better get yer ass back in that sleeping bag, or else." He gave her the lazy eye. Colette scooted a few inches away.

"Er, alright. I'll be right there, OK?" Lloyd sighed and stood up.

"Goodnight, Colette," he said loudly. A bit too loudly, as Raine sat up and threw her shoe at his head, yelling for him to shut the hell up. Lloyd fell to the ground and didn't move. Seeing as he was almost in his sleeping bag anyways, Raine left him there and went back to sleep.

Colette watched the scene before releasing a huge sigh and turning back to the geyser. She then said something incedebly dorky, which also did a good job of hinting at the plot of this story:

"Dream good dreams for me, Lloyd,"

--

The next morning, everyone woke up happy and refreshed except for Kratos, who was just as quiet and grouchy as usual. They all headed back to the dock, where Raine fell in a dead faint at the thought of traveling in a washtub again, which made it easier for everyone to fit in, so it was all good. Then, they headed through the mountains, past the destroyed Palmacosta Ranch, down the road, around the House of Salvation, and up to Hakonesia Peak.

The author was very proud of herself because she had fit the whole journey into one paragraph.

"OK, you old bastard," Lloyd yelled as he burst through the said old bastard's door. He held up the Spiritua Statue proudly. "You have robbed the church of a very important artifact, and generations will go without seeing the spectacle while it rots away in your house."

The old man seemed imune to any sort of guilt, however; he grabbed the statue from Lloyd's hands and starting running his hands over it, giggling quietly.

"Ex-_cuse_ me." Genis tapped the man on the shoulder. "Can we _please_ see that book now?"

The old man looked peeved. "OK, fine. But you only have five minutes!"

"What? That's crazy!" Lloyd shouted.

"Four minutes, fifty-six seconds..." the old man said, checking his watch.

The group ran across the room to start tearing through the book.

"OK, boys and Colette," Raine said, pushing everyone away so that she could get a better look. "Oh... it's written in the Angelic language..." she looked disappointed, and pulled Colette towards the book.

"Um, OK..." Colette leaned over the book. "Wow... there's a lot of text here. Uh..." she skimmed through it for a few minutes. "OK, I'll just read the parts about the Seals." She cleared her throat and began:

"The first Seal in a city of fire is. Second Seal in a slippery land of wetness, is it it is. An ancient city of ruins is the Seal of the third, so be it or else. Finally, in a tower which overlooks the holy end lives the Seal of final."

"Huh? What's with the Yoda speak?" Lloyd asked.

"Um, well... it's roughly translated, but..." Colette shrugged.

"So..." Lloyd turned to Raine. "Where do we go?"

Raine looked thoughtful. "Well, the city of fire would probably be the Triet Ruins..."

"Yeah, that's where we released the first Seal, remember?" Genis pointed out. "And the slippery land of wetness is..."

"Thoda Island!" Lloyd stated proudly. "But then, what's the city of ruins and the tower that looks over holies or something?"

"The city of ruins is probably... Asgard, the city of ruins." Raine said slowly. "Yeah, that would make sense. And the tower..."

"Um, could that be the Tower of Mana?" Colette asked. "It's really tall and it overlooks the Tower of Salvation. That would be the holy… uh, end, right?"

"Makes sense." Kratos said with a shrug.

"OK!" Lloyd swung a fist through the air. "So we go to Asgard, and then to the Tower of Mana, right? Let's get going then!"

They turned around to do so, only to find the old man staring fixedly at Raine's ass. The kids and Kratos hurried from the house before they would be forced to witness whatever punishment she could lay on the old man. She stepped out after them a few minutes later, wiping blood off her hands with a towel.

"Shall we?" she asked, and the rest of the group followed her meekly. They headed up the mountain and were going to walk through the gate when they were stopped by a pair of Palmacostan knights.

"Sorry, kids, you need a pass to pass." he stated. "You can buy one in that lovely house over there."

"A pass to pass?" Everyone glanced at each other.

"No way in hell are we going back there..." Genis said.

"Oh, wait!" Lloyd snapped his fingers and reached into his pocket. A moment later, he tugged out a piece of paper clearly labeled "PASS". "I swiped this off a Desian back at the ranch." he said proudly.

"Alright, Lloyd!" Colette cheered. Lloyd's head swelled to twice its normal size as he swaggered up to the knights and held out the pass. The knights nodded and parted, allowing the group to go pass.

"So, lemme get this straight..." Genis said slowly as the rest of his posse walked through the gate. "You guys sold a pass to a _Desian_??"

The knight shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so."

The elf rolled his eyes and followed his friends (and Kratos) out of the continent of Palmacosta.

--

"Man, I am so totally _never_ going back there again!" Lloyd sighed, stretching his arms over his head leisurely. "I'm am so sick of walking all over that damn continent!"

Raine shrugged. "I suppose."

"So, where do we go from here?" Genis asked from below. He held out his map for Raine, who took it wearily.

"Well," she began, shaking the map open. "We need to keep following this road, and it'll take us to a House of Salvation. Then we keep going this'a way, and we'll end up in Asgard." She pointed to a dot labeled "Asgard" on the map.

"Sounds simple enough," said Colette brightly.

Two days later, the group decided that it wasn't as simple as it sounded.

"Where the hell are we??" Lloyd whined for the hundreth time in the past hour and Raine, realizing that "I don't know" wasn't an acceptable answer, pulled the map out of her brother's pocket and shoved it in Lloyd's face.

"Here!" she shouted. "YOU figure it out!"

"Strange..." Kratos mumbled to no one in particular. "I can't understand how we missed it. I thought I knew this world's geography well, but..."

"I wonder if we passed it already?" Genis asked, trying to read the map over Lloyd's shoulder, which was difficult considering he only came up to the older boy's elbows.

"Naw, look," Lloyd held out the map proudly. "We've just got to head due... that way." he pointed, then squinted at the map again. He turned around and pointed in the other direction. "I mean, that way. C'mon, guys!"

Colette followed obediently, but the rest of the group hung back.

"Should we follow him?" Genis asked the older two.

Raine sighed. "It's only after being completely lost for two days that I would ever consider following Lloyd."

"... I just don't get it..." Kratos mumbled to himself, obviously oblivious to what the other two were saying.

The siblings exchanged exasperated looks before following the confident Lloyd. Kratos scurried after them.

--

"There, see! I told you I'd find it!" Lloyd pointed to a cluster of buildings on the horizon. He beamed proudly and tore off towards the city.

Of course, once they got there they became pretty sure that this city was not Asgard. Maybe it was the absolute lack of ruins in the area. Maybe it was the fact that nothing even looked ruined; the buildings were all relativly new-looking. Maybe it was the fact that the entire city seemed to be built _on _a lake. Or, maybe it was the large sign which read "Welcome to Luin!" that gave it away.

"Lloyd, this isn't Asgard." Raine pointed out. Lloyd huffed angrily.

"Yeah, well... it's still something!" he pouted.

"We might as well have a look around," Kratos suggested, and a majority of the group agreed.

The city of Luin proved to be quite interesting, from the docks and bridges that reminded Lloyd horribly of Palmacosta, to the enormous fountain that decorated the town square. It was in front of this fountain that Lloyd and Co. saw an increasingly familiar face.

"Look, Lloyd!" Colette pointed to the raven-haired assassin, who was surrounded by little kids.

"OK, OK," she was saying. "You all hide and I'll find you this time." The children cheered and scattered. The assassin closed her eyes and began counting.

Lloyd chose that exact moment to walk up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. "Hello there!" he said brightly.

"Yeeks!" Sheena leapt a few feet in the air and spun around. "W-what are you doing here??"

Lloyd grinned slyly and put a hand on his hip. "You're actually a nice person, aren't you?"

"Aw, you're so nice, Sheena!" Colette squealed. Sheena looked horrified.

"N-no, I'm not! I was just... I mean... ah..." she shook her head and took up a fighting stance. "Never mind! I swear I'll-"

"Kill you all next time." Lloyd, Genis, and Kratos chorused. Sheena blushed and vanished. A few moments later a kid walked up.

"Hey, where'd Sheena-chanchan go?" he whimpered. The Chosen posse sidled away, leaving the kid to wonder about his missing hide-and-go-seek partner.

--

Less than ten minutes later, Kratos had gotten directions from an innocent citizen of Luin, who told them that they had walked right by Asgard, which was actually only about half an hour from Hakonesia Peak. Armed with this new knowledge, Kratos led the way out of Luin and towards Asgard (at last).

The trip actually took the rest of the day and was quite eventful, but the author is damn sick of writing about walking all over the world. So, she's going to skip over it entirely.

Lloyd and Company stepped into Asgard annoyed but overall glad to have made it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

Asgard, city of ruins was - quite obviously - chock full of ruins. For the average tourist, it was quite interesting. For a researcher, it was a great place to study the ancient Balacruf dynasty. And for Professor Raine...

"Holy effing shit look at this ruin oh my goddess it must date back hundreds of years oh my goddess I NEED TO CARBON DATE IT!!"

The students and Kratos stepped out of the Professor's way, looking vaugly bored. As she terrified some tourists out of a ancient cave slash house, the rest of the group separated to explore the city.

Lloyd wandered aimlessly into the nearest building, which turned out to be someone's house. Standing quietly by the doorway, Lloyd managed to catch a good deal of the conversation two people were holding before they asked him what the hell he was doing in their house and kicking him out. Some chick, according to the conversation, was going to be sacrificed because she "assosiated with that half-elf" and "had that dumbass for a brother". Lloyd couldn't help but think that this was a pretty depressing town.

Having been kicked out of the house, Lloyd decided to find the rest of his posse. He soon found Colette, who had been petting a dog which she named "Charlie", followed by Genis, who had been reading about the city in a brochure, and Kratos, who - being the only sensible one in the group - had been stocking up on supplies. They regrouped and agreed to find Raine, who turned out to be caressing a large stone dais near the middle of the city.

"Lloyd!" she barked as her students and Kratos came to stand behind her. "State the historical significance of this dais."

"Eeeh..." Lloyd blinked. He racked his relativly small brain for the answer. "Mm, I'm pretty sure it was... like, this thing where... y'know, there was this... uhh..."

Raine smacked him. "Shut up. Just shut up. Your incompetence sickens me." She turned to face the entire group and started lecturing on "the historical significance of this dais". A few minutes passed, and Kratos simply walked away. Lloyd followed him.

"She sure seems to like ruins..." Kratos mumbled when Lloyd came to stand beside him.

"No freaking duh." Lloyd replied.

"Unless, of course, something happened to her in the past..."

Lloyd blinked. "Huh? Why do you think that?"

Kratos didn't seem to be planning on replying, however, so Lloyd turned on heel and walked away. He noticed that Raine was still lecturing about dancing or mana or something of that sort, so he just kept on walking. He walked around the dais and was about to turn the corner when voices from ahead made him stop.

"Um, are you sure this is a good idea, Harley?" said one voice.

"Of course it is. I came up with it. We're gonna blow this dais clear to Iselia!"

Lloyd peeked around the corner and saw that the voices came from a dark-haired boy with glasses and a taller, red-headed boy with a bandana. They were fighting over a small box which had a large lever sprouting off the top and a sign that read "BOMB". Using his amazing deduction skills, Lloyd deduced that this box was actually a bomb.

"But, Harley..." the kid with glasses rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "This dais is a rare and valuable remnant of the ancient Balacruf Dynasty. Do you know what the historical significance of this dais is?"

Lloyd and Harley both groaned.

"Screw the historical significance, Linar. If we don't do something, Aisha's going to be sacrificed!"

Lloyd decided that this was the perfect moment to show himself to the bickering pair. He stepped past the corner and grinned at the boy's horrified expressions.

"Oh, what's the matter? You look like you've both seen a ghost."

Harley rolled his eyes. "Oh, come _on_. That is _such _a cliched line."

Lloyd frowned. Then, he did something incredibly mean:

"Professor Raaaaaaaaaine!" he hollered to his teacher. "These guys said that they're going to blow up the ruin!"

Raine was there in less than a second. Harley and Linar barely had a chance to give Lloyd identical looks of contempt before Raine tackled them both to the ground.

"How could you even _consider_ harming such an amazing artifact from the Balacruf Dynasty?? And you call yourself human beings??"

Harley and Linar pulled themselves to their feet. The redhead brandished a fist angrily.

"I am a half-elf!" he stated proudly. Raine landed a roundhouse kick against his head, and he fell to the ground again.

"What difference does that make??" she snarled. She crossed her arms, and Lloyd could smell a lecture coming on. "This dais dates all the way back to the final era of the Balacruf Dynasty. Do you know what the historical significance of this dais is??" She waved her arms wildly, and failed to notice a small _click_ when her hand hit a certain switch. The boys adopted identical, terrified faces.

"Uh, Professor?" Lloyd asked nervously.

"Not now, Lloyd," Raine said. "I'll take all questions after the lecture."

"Professor," Lloyd repeated. "The bomb's turned on."

Raine glared. "I said, I'll take all questions after the... wait, what??" She spun around to face the bomb, which was ticking away merrily.

"Woman!" Harley yelled angrily. "You set off the bomb!"

Raine spun around and kicked him to the ground again. "Don't try to put the blame on someone else!"

Lloyd bent down next to the bomb to get a closer look. "Does it have a disarm switch?" he asked Harley. The half-elf pulled himself to his feet before he answered.

"Of course not!"

Raine kicked him in the stomach. "Don't act like you're proud of it!"

Lloyd shook his head wearily. "Never mind. I'll just have to disarm it myself."

And he did.

"Wow," Harley said, sounding impressed. "You're pretty good to have stopped the unstoppable Breaker."

Lloyd didn't seem to pleased. "Don't go around building stuff you can't control!" he snapped.

"So, why were you trying to destroy this amazingly beautiful ruin?" Raine asked, a bit too gently. The boys quickly stepped out of range of her foot.

"None of your freaking business." Harley grumbled. Linar looked uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything. Raine raised an eyebrow and was about to reply (maybe with words, probably with violence) when a voice from the other side of the ruin interrupted her.

"Hey!" the voice yelled. "You're not supposed to be up here!"

"Crap! It's the mayor!" Harley grabbed his broken bomb before he spun around and ran for it, followed closely by Linar. Lloyd watched them go before he turned to the Professor.

"C'mon, Professor, this looks like trouble. We should get the heck outta here."

Raine pouted. "But I haven't gotten a chance to study it properly..." Lloyd sighed and grabbed her arm, dragging the poor elf away from the ruin. Soon, they ran into the rest of the group.

"Were'd you two go off to?" Colette asked innocently.

"Some dorks were trying to blow up the dais-thingy." Lloyd waved his hand carelessly. "I taught them the error of their ways."

Raine, who's mind was still back at the stone stage, blinked. "Oh, that's right! We've got to make sure they never do something stupid like that again!"

"So, what," Genis gave his sister a sceptical look. "We're just going to walk into random houses until we find these kids, is that it?"

Genis grumbled in the back as the Chosen posse walked into random houses until they found those kids in a house atop some stone steps. As soon as they stepped in, Harley - who was still clutching his broken bomb - spun around to face them.

"Get the hell out of here!" he snapped.

"Harley, stop it." from behind the half-elf stepped a woman who, judging by her dark hair, was Linar's sister. "This is me and Linar's house. _You _can't tell people to get out."

"Get out of here." Linar said from across the room. His sister smacked him, knocking his glasses clear off his face.

"Sorry about that," she said calmly, as if hitting her brother was a normal occurance. Which it was. "So, I think you were the ones who stopped my brother and his friend?"

"I'm not sure if _stopped_ is the right word..." Kratos mumbled from the corner.

"They got in our way!" cried Harley. He didn't like Lloyd and his friends very much.

"Shut _up_, Harley." flustered, Linar's sister tried to put on a smile for her guests. Tried being the key word here. "Thank you for getting in their way. I'm sorry that they can be so stupid." She shot a glare at her brother and friend, and the boys didn't dare object.

"Hey, it was no problem." Lloyd waved a hand, looking pretty stupid himself.

"But, why were you trying to destroy that amazing, beautiful, wonderful, delicious ruin?" Raine asked again.

"Be_cause_," Harley started. "Aishia's going to be sacrificed to the Summon Spirit of wind!" He pointed to the woman - Aishia, obviously.

"Huh?" Colette blinked. "I thought the Summon Spirits were good guys?"

"Has this been going on for long?" Kratos asked, sounding mildly curious. He wasn't big on the whole sacrificing chicks for a greater power, or maybe for a crazy kid's older sister. It didn't really work with him.

"Well, originally girls were chosen to dance in tribute to the Summon Spirit." Aishia began. "I've always wanted to do it; you get to wear this amazing outfit, and you dance in front of everyone, and afterwards you get flowers and candy and all the guys want to ask you out because you look so hot in your dance outfit..."

"Yeah, yeah." Harley interrupted. "But then _this _idiot-" he pointed at Linar, who blushed a bit. "-messed with the ruin for his _studies_, and now the Summon Spirit is eating all the dancers!"

"B-but, Harley," Linar began. "I've always wanted to study the dais. It's curved design is said to express the flight of the Summon Spirit of Wind through the sky..."

"It's infused with a large amount of mana," Raine added.

"Yeah, but due to current mana shortages, the mana is fading. When the mana evaporates, it gives off a unique aroma."

"It sparkles, as well. This is known as the Filament Effect, and-"

Lloyd and company exchanged exasperated looks with Aishia and Harley as Raine and Linar started listing all the reasons they were madly in love with a big slab of rock.

"So, wait!" Colette waved her hands in the researcher's faces. "Is this the seal we're looking for?"

"Doesn't look like it," Raine shrugged. "But it never hurts to check again."

"Yes, uh," Linar scratched his head. "Behind the dais there's a small indentation, and-"

"Waitaminute!" Harley snapped. "What're you all so calm for?? Aishia's going to be killed!" He glared at the Chosen posse. "Just get the hell outta here!" He brandished the bomb, which had started spewing sparks, and Lloyd and Company decided it was in their best interest to leave.

--

"So, what now?" Genis asked.

"Well, we have to go investigate that amazing dais, of course!" Raine snapped.

"Yeah, there's a chance that it might be the next seal." Colette added. "Even though it looks like it's not."

Lloyd blew a big wet raspberry. "You just want to study the ruin more." he told the Professor, who smacked him.

"You need to learn to keep your mouth shut, Lloyd," Genis said with a shrug.

The group soon arrived back at the dais, only to find their way blocked by an old man and a few other guys with pitchforks.

"I am the mayor of Asgard," he informed them. "And you can't go to the dais, no matter what its historical significance is."

Raine pouted. "I'm a researcher!" she told the mayor. "And a professor! And an archeologist!"

The mayor glared. "There's another idiot in this city like you, and it's because of him we have to kill all the hot girls who live here!" He seemed to be very torn up about this.

"What do you mean?" Kratos asked.

"If you want to know, then go ask Linar!"

"What, you can't just tell us yourself?" Genis asked with a glare. Raine pushed him aside.

"If you're talking about the Summon Spirit and whatnot, we've already heard."

"Well, then you know why you can't go up there." The mayor crossed his arms, and that was that.

The group thought for a moment. Finally, Raine spoke up: "What if I were to become the dancer? Then it would be alright for me to go up on the dais, right?"

"Raine!" Genis looked horrified. "What are you saying??"

Raine rolled her eyes. "Think about it. It's the best way to get a close look at the so-called Summon Spirit. Perhaps the sacrifices it's demanding are actually the Chosen."

"Ah, I see!" Colette grinned. "That's our Professor! You're so smart!"

"Pfft." Lloyd shrugged. "You just want to study it more." Raine smacked him, again.

"Don't you ever learn, Lloyd?" Genis asked. Lloyd punched him, which made the elf cry.

"Well, alright." The mayor said. "You can be the dancer. Just don't come crying to me if you die or something."

Raine grinned and gave a peace sign. "Freaking sweet!" she yelled before skipping back to Aishia and Linar's house to tell them the good news.

"Does she have a split personality or something?" Kratos asked dryly. Genis didn't answer, which made the entire group a bit uncomfortable as they followed the over-excited Professor.

--

"It's just not right that you should have to take my place..." Aishia was saying for the fifth or sixth time. Raine gave an incredibly bored look.

"OK, but I'm still going to do it." she said.

"It's really gonna help us out a lot!" Colette said cheerfully.

"Yeah," Lloyd added. "Aishia won't die, Colette will release a seal, and Raine gets to examine the ruin more closely." Raine smacked him, although after she did she realized that Lloyd hadn't actually been making fun of her that time.

"Well, OK..." Aishia said, still unconvinced. In truth, the real reason she didn't want to let Raine dance was because she'd always wanted to dance and, between her brother breaking ruins and Harley trying to blow stuff up, she'd probably never be chosen again. She handed the costume to Raine and gave the two boys a look that absolutely dripped with hatred, leaving then utterly confused and a bit scared.

"Well, I'd better get changed." Raine said cheerfully. She then looked at the congregation in the room expectantly. "If you'll _excuse_ me..." When no one moved, she shoved the entire group out of the room.

"Yes." Genis said as the door slammed shut behind them. "I think she does have a split personality."

Kratos, Lloyd, Colette, Aishia, Harley, and Linar all nodded in agreement. Then, they went downstairs for a game of Scrabble while they waited for Raine to change.


	19. Chapter 19

I had to study a lot for this chapter and the last one.

No, seriously.

Dude, Linar x Raine is so not legal. I don't think it's actually a real fanpairing, though.

**--**

**Chapter Nineteen**

A few hours later the entire group, along with the Asgard trio and a few curious tourists, found themselves back at the dais, where they watched Raine perform the dance. "Dance" here being a very vague term, as all the Professor was doing was walking in a circle and sticking her staff into the ground.

"This is... it?" Lloyd asked, somewhat disappointed.

"Well, you know," Linar shrugged. "Usually the dancers have more, eh, time to prepare a dance. Raine here had... what, two hours?"

"Oh, so it's the Professor's fault!" This seemed to cheer Lloyd up a bit.

Just then, Raine's background music reached its climax, and the Professor knelt down in the center of the dais. A mysterious sort of wind started blowing, and it quickly congregated into a swirling cyclone directly before the Professor. The cyclone vanished, leaving in its place a purple monster with an enormous blade growing out of its ass.

"I have come for the girl," it announced in a spooky sort of voice, as if that wasn't completely obvious already. A few tourists oohed and aahed. Colette gasped.

"Wait, Professor!" she hollered. "That's not the Summon Spirit! It's an evil evil evil evil creature!"

Lloyd's group immediately sprung into action. They unsheathed, pulled out, or magically grew their weapons and jumped onto the dais. Just as the evil evil evil evil creature leapt on Professor Raine to swallow her whole, she swung up her staff and knocked him back with relative ease.

"Way to go, Professor!" Colette called as she threw her chakrams at the creature's face. Sword Butt didn't even have a chance to duck before the bladed weapons planted themselves firmly into its forehead. Left weaponless, Colette began summoning up a pink and sparkly spell.

Meanwhile, Lloyd was mercilessly hacking away at Sword Butt. Kratos watched with vague amusement as the teen was repeatedly sliced open by the monster's bladed butt, only to swallow an apple gel and leap back at it. The mercenary finally felt what could either have been pity or disgust, and he joined Genis in attacking the monster from afar with magic, which left it stunned long enough for Lloyd to continue his hit and run tactic.

At that very moment, Colette completed her spell, which turned out to be a new one she called Holy Song. The group watched in excitement for the creature to be attacked with feathers, or some other form of angelic magic. They were sorely disappointed a few seconds later, when the monster kept attacking and the group saw nothing.

"That was lame, Colette!" Lloyd yelled as he jumped back to avoid Sword Butt's... well, you know.

Colette shook her head. "Look, Lloyd! Your defense, attack power, and health all went up!" She grinned proudly as Lloyd realized that this was, in fact, true.

"But, still..." Genis said. "It's pretty lame when you compare it to that other attack you used. With the feathers...?"

"Yeah, that was kick-ass!" Lloyd shouted. Colette frowned, and quickly started up a new spell.

At that moment, Raine - who had been cooking up a healing spell for Lloyd - unleashed it only to find that it was not, as she had planned, a First Aid spell, but a real attacking spell.

"Photon!" she screamed, and a ball of light grew around Lloyd and completely fried him. Raine did a little dance. "Ooooh, I learned a real attack! No more first aid for me!"

Lloyd moaned weakly from the ground, where the monster was getting a real kick out of stabbing his roasted body repeatedly. With a sigh, Raine used First Aid and was immediately returned to her former post of healer.

At last, the monster seemed to be slowing down. Kratos finally abandoned his magical tactics and joined Lloyd in hacking away at the monster. In one final combined Sonic Thrust (which would make, what, a double Sonic Thrust?) Sword Butt gave a wail of defeat before it disappeared in an explosion of mana. It left behind a mysterious stone tablet, which the Professor snatched up immediately.

"Yes!" Lloyd shouted, raising a still lightly toasted fist into the air.

"Huzzah!" Genis cried, earning strange looks from a majority of the group.

"Angel Feathers!" Colette screamed, and a flurry of pink feathers mercilessly attacked the spot where Sword Butt had once stood. The Chosen opened her eyes and cheered. "Yay! I killed it!"

No one had the heart to tell her otherwise.

Professor Raine led the way off the dais into the surprised crowd below.

"W-woah!" Linar finally spoke. "That was awesome! You're amazing, Raine!"

Raine laughed. "It was hardly a challenging opponent." she said, and her head quickly swelled in a Lloyd-like fashion.

"Hey!" Lloyd whined. "Isn't that what _I'm_ supposed to say?"

Raine chose to ignore him. "Look at what the monster left behind!" she held up the stone tablet, and Linar rushed over to get a closer look.

"Hm..." he mumbled. "I think the language is probably from the Balacroff era."

"Yes," Raine agreed, her nose less than an inch from the stone. "We must decipher it right away!"

Linar stood up. "I have the necessary materials back at my house. Let's go decipher it together!" He put a certain emphasis on "together" that everyone but Raine caught. Grinning, the bluenette and the Professor took off towards Aishia's house.

The entire congregation rolled their eyes.

"Apparently _someone_ has a thing for the Professor," Lloyd said slyly. He nudged Genis, who blushed a bit.

"Well..." the elf said slowly. "She is quite a catch." Lloyd laughed out loud.

Harley shrugged and folded his hands behind his head in a lazy sort of way. "Yeah, I guess. But what did you expect? She is a half-elf, after all." He grinned proudly, oblivious to the stares he received.

"What are you talking about?" Lloyd asked. "Professor Sage is an elf."

Genis, who looked quite uncomfortable, nodded quickly. "Y-yeah! She's an elf! I-I'm an elf, too!" He indicated his pointed ears, which didn't serve well as proof seeing as Harley's were shaped the same way.

The redhead, still oblivious, laughed. "Don't be stupid. Do you think I wouldn't recognize my own-" he broke off. Genis gave him the most adorable, heartbroken look he had ever looked, and it was a miracle the half-elf didn't break down sobbing where he stood. "Uhm... actually... yeah, I guess you're right." Harley laughed nervously. "You guys really are pureblood elves. Yup. Sure are. My bad. Sorry 'bout that. Yup. Yup. Uh huh."

"Well, duh!" Colette giggled. Lloyd grinned and patted Genis on the back. The elf looked like he was going to be sick, so Lloyd declared that it was getting late and that they should find a place to stay, because odds were that Raine and Linar would be busy all night. Try to look at that in the most mature, non-perverted way you can.

--

After a good night's sleep and a hearty breakfast of toast and jam, Genis was back to his old annoying self. He was just explaining to Lloyd their homework from last week (while Lloyd idly tried to fling cereal bits at Kratos with a spoon), when Raine walked into the hotel, followed closely by Linar and more distantly by Aishia and Harley.

"Well, we've done it!" The Professor said proudly, carefully setting the stone tablet on the table before helping herself to Colette's breakfast.

"The Professor is amazing!" Linar said with a wide-eyed, crooked glasses look. "She deciphered the writing in no time at all!"

Raine leaned back in her chair, chewed on Colette's blueberry muffin, and looked as though she thought she were the coolest person ever.

"So?" Colette asked eagerly. "What did it say? What did it say?"

"Weeeell," Raine began. She sat up straight and pointed to the tablet. "Apparently, the monster we fought earlier was the cause of the calamity that afflicted the ancient Balacruf Empire." She paused to finish the last of Colette's muffin.

"The summoner at the time formed a pact with Sylph, the Summon Spirit of Wind, and sealed the monster away in the dais," Linar continued.

"Yes," said Raine. "He left instructions on the location of the Summon Spirit in case the monster ever rose again. But, over time..."

"People confused the calamity with the Summon Spirit of Wind. And here we are today." Linar grinned sheepishly.

"Does anyone besides me find it creepy the way they're finishing each other's sentences?" Harley asked. Lloyd and Genis raised their hands.

"So, wait." Colette said, stopping Raine from punching the three boys. "This tablet will tell us where the Seal is? Like, a map or something?"

"Correct!" Raine said, patting the Chosen on the head and giving her a cookie. "So, we just need to follow the instructions on the stone, and there we are!"

"Sounds simple enough." Kratos said. "Shall we go release that Seal?"

"Yes!" Colette cried, spitting out a bit of her cookie as she did. "Let's go regenerate the world!"

"Wait, regenerate the world?" Linar repeated, curious. "What do you mean?"

"Now that I think about it," Aishia said thoughtfully. "Why did you guys come to Asgard in the first place?"

"Let's get going." Kratos said, ignoring the siblings. He stood up and walked out of the inn, and the rest of the group hurried after.

"W-wait! Raine..." Linar hurried after the elf. "Can I, um, have your phone number? Your address? We could be pen pals or... something..."

Raine giggled. "We'll be on the move quite a bit." Linar looked disappointed, so she added, "I'll be sure to visit after we're done saving the world." She gave the bluehead a quick kiss on the cheek before she headed out the door after her students and Kratos.

Linar stood in a state of shock, holding a hand to his cheek and smiling faintly. Behind him, Aishia and Harley blinked.

"Is this... romance?" Aishia asked, a bit confused.

"I don't know whether to laugh or throw up," Harley agreed.

Then, the pair took turns smacking Linar upside the head before they walked out the door and headed home.

--

"Sooo..." Lloyd called in a singsong voice. "What did you two _really _do last night?"

Raine ignored him. "According to the tablet, we are heading towards the Balacruf Mousoleum. The Seal should be there."

"Good," Genis said with a sigh. "That isn't to far away, right?"

"Aren't you a bit _old_ for him, Professor?" Lloyd asked.

"The Balacruf Mousoleum?" Colette repeated. "It sounds kinda spooky..."

"Excuse me," Kratos called from a few steps behind the group. He was walking slower, due to the fact that Raine had appointed the task of carrying the enormous stone tablet to him. He heaved it onto his other shoulder before continuing. "But why am I the only carrying this rock?"

"Because no one likes you," Genis stated flatly.

"Raine and Linar, sitting in a tree!" Lloyd hollered. "K-I-S-S-I-N-"

"SHUT UP, LLOYD!"

--

The Balacruf Mausoleum was an enormous stone building, clearly falling apart even as Lloyd watched, which had only one entrance which, of course, was sealed by a large stone door. Still, that didn't stop the flood of tourists who visited the Mousoleum every year. The Chosen posse had lucked out in coming on a Wednesday, when traffic was low. Still, there were several people walking around the grassy lawn when they arrived, poking around and pretty much doing nothing.

"Man, this place is lame!" Lloyd whined. Normally, Raine would have punched him for such blasphemy, but she was too busy hugging a stone pillar to hear him. The group, being used to this sort of behavior by now, walked past her and towards the stone entrance.

"Well?" Colette asked as they reached the top of the stone steps and faced a big fat stone dead end. "I don't see an Oracle Stone anywhere..."

"Hmm..." Lloyd blinked. He examined the only thing there was on rock porch; a stone pillar with a slot in it, sort of like the slot you put a memory card in.

Damn, that was a good simile.

"I wonder what goes in here?" Lloyd asked, pointing at the slot. Colette shrugged.

"Oh, HEY!" Genis suddenly gasped. "Maybe you put the map in there?"

The rest of the group nodded in agreement, and Kratos lugged the stone slab over to the pillar. With a grunt, he hefted it into the slot. It fit perfectly, and one and a half seconds later there was a bright flash of light, which did a good job of attracting the attention of every single tourist within a mile radius. Raine hurried back to the group. When the light finally faded, an Oracle Stone had appeared.

"Yay!" Colette cheered. She glanced at the Professor quickly, just in case, before slapping her hand against the magic rock. Another flash of light, and the stone door creaked open. Colette giggled, partially because she had once again opened a magical door, and mostly because Raine hadn't ripped her hand off this time.

"Well, let's go!" she called cheerfully. Just then, a cat leapt out of the bushes and bit her hand off. Colette, feeling sick and slightly disappointed, accepted Genis' lemon gel without a word. Then, the group of chosen idiots delved into the depths of the Balacruf Mausoleum.

--

The inside of the building was dark, windy, and a bit on the smelly side. Lloyd and Colette agreed that they wanted to get the hell out of here as soon as possible. They led the way across a spiky bridge, through a windy tunnel, and over a pit of dead things. All the while, Raine obsessed over every single rock which came her way. Obviously, this made the going a bit slower than one would have hoped.

At long last, they came to a room chock full of monsters (a.k.a. giant geese) and five mini windmills. While the rest of the group tried to find an exit, Lloyd poked the colorful windmills, giggling when they spun around.

"If only there was a really strong wind in here," he said to no one in particular. "These things'd spin like crazy!" He laughed at the thought, then reached out to push the windmill again. Suddenly, an enormous gust of wind exploded from his middle finger, spinning the windmill's blades so quickly that they nearly fell off. Lloyd gave the convenient Sorcerer's Ring a grin before he started blasting the other four windmills.

Now, it just so happened that these were no ordinary windmills. They were set so that when they spun in a certain order, the door to the Summon Spirit would open. The order, of course, was a secret, and one had to search the entire Mausoleum for clues to figure it out. It also just so happened that Lloyd spun the windmills correctly on his first try, which made whoever built the puzzle very annoyed. Still, the Chosen posse jumped for joy when a stone door in the back of the room opened with a loud _creeeeeak_.

The group hurried through the door and up a steep flight of stairs. They finally stepped up onto a solid ground, only to be thrown asunder when an enormous gust of wind hit them square in the head.

"I think we're outside!" Lloyd shouted, grabbing Colette's long hair to keep himself from falling over the edge.

"We're on the roof!" Genis screamed from where he hung over the edge of the building. He glanced down. "Damn, we're kinda high up!"

The wind died down, and the group regained their footing. They were indeed on the roof of the Mausoleum, although it really wasn't _that _high up. The friends and Kratos scurried over to a familiar device, and Genis had less than a second to tell everyone about the raise in mana before an enormous blue flying monster leapt out at them.

Kratos leapt right back, being the only sensible one and thus the only one not surprised by the monster's appearance.

And suddenly the remaining group members realized that the job would get done much more quickly if Kratos handled it alone. And so it was that Genis, Colette, and Lloyd watched with amusement while Raine occasionally sent off a healing spell (or one of her new snazzy dazzy Photon spells; she even hit the monster most of the time!). A few minutes later, the purple clad mercenary had completely destroyed the monster and sheathed his long sword with an angry sort of look.

"Thanks for your support, guys." he said, giving Raine and her students an absolutely _evil_ look. The children hid behind Raine, who tried to glare back but failed miserably. At last, Kratos gave a frustrated growl and turned away. The group slid past him and to the giant platform that had become quite familiar by now.

"Oh, Goddess Martel," Colette began, spreading her wings and taking up a saintly pose. "Great protector and nurturer of the Earth, grant me thy strength!"

She floated gently into the air as her angelic father appeared above her. He looked a bit happier then the last time they'd seen him, and he even preformed a bit of welcoming poetry for them.

"**Good job, my daughter**

**Who's pretty as a flower,**

**The chapter needs to end soon**

**So I'll up your angel power!**"

Pretty lights shot from the sky and into Colette's Chosen body. She grinned nervously. In the background, Kratos grumbled about how the blonde was getting praised for _his _work.

"Thank you, my Lord," Colette said humbly. Remiel nodded. Then, he shot an angry look at Lloyd.

"**Well, seeing as how you smartasses already _know_ where the rest of the seals are, I guess I won't share my brand new song which took hours to write and perfect.**" He pouted loudly. The group shrugged, as they didn't really want to hear his song anyway. And so, Remiel disappeared in a huff (of feathers), and Colette returned to the ground. That is, the roof.

"Alright!" Lloyd shouted, swinging his fists in the air. "Three down! One to go!"

"Lloyd," Raine said slowly. "We don't know how many seals are left."

Lloyd laughed loudly and waved a hand in her face. Raine slapped it away before she led the way down the stone steps and back into the Mausoleum. Kratos hung back, fuming. However, he suddenly remembered that the monster had been much easier to fight when he was on his own, and that he was actually getting paid for it, so it was really not that bad.

And so, with a twisted sort of smile, Kratos followed his posse down the steps, forgetting the troubles of life for just a moment to enjoy fantasies of his soon-to-be fortune.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

To say the trip back through the Mausoleum was uneventful would be a bit of a lie, even if it did take only about five minutes. Still, as they stepped back into the sunlight and lectured Genis on the importance of not playing with giant spiky levers, something totally unexpected happened.

"Hold it right there!" Yelled a painfully familiar voice. Lloyd turned around slowly with a smug sort of grin.

"Oh, it's Sheena!" he said cheerfully.

"Oh, hello!" Colette called, waving.

Sheena backed away slightly. "S-stop! Don't move! Don't touch anything!"

"OK, Sheena," Colette smiled. "But, Sheena, now that we're friends, why do we have to fight?"

The busty assassin blinked. "Friends? Since when are we-?" she coughed loudly and took up a fighting stance. "I have no intention of befriending you. Prepare yourselves!"

"Watch out!" Kratos yelled as Sheena leapt at the Chosen and her cute blonde head. The mercenary and Lloyd both jumped in front of her at the same second. Their heads banged together and they stumbled backwards, starry-eyed and confused. Still, they managed to block Sheena's path of destruction and Colette had time to pull out her chakrams in order to defend herself from the assassin's next attack.

"P-please, stop, Sheena!" Colette whimpered as Sheena hit her repeatedly with her magic paper. "We're friends! We shouldn't fight!"

"Shut up!" Sheena snarled. Just then, a lightning spell hit her from above and a Stone Blast from below, knocking her clear across the room. Lloyd threw a fist in the air and cheered.

But Sheena wouldn't give up that easily. "E-everyone's counting on me..." she murmured. Still, when she tried to attack again, she was stabbed several times by Kratos, Lloyd, and Raine (who had found a snazzy new staff in Asgard that had spikes coming off the top). She retreated to a corner, where she quickly ingested several lemon gels and pulled out another card.

"I hate using all these up," she mumbled as she held out the card. In a flash, a bird-like creature that was horribly similar to the one from Chapter Eight appeared. It took a swipe at Genis' head before it gave a grotesque shriek and attacked Kratos. The poor mercenary had his hands full just trying to defend himself, which made fighting the remaining idiots much easier for Sheena.

She jousted with Lloyd while Genis, Colette, and Raine all cooked up various spells in various corners. However, when the Angel Feathered Fire Balled Photon came flying at her, she ducked just in the nick of time. Lloyd wasn't so lucky.

"Damn you, busty assassin!" is what he would have screamed had he been conscious. As it was, the force of the spells knocked him clear across the room, where his feather-gouged and crispy head slammed against the stone wall and he fell motionless.

"Yeeee! Lloyd!" Colette cried, tears springing to her eyes. Things were looking pretty bad for the group, as Raine was busy trying to wake up Lloyd and the task of jousting with Sheena fell on Genis and Colette. Thankfully, just when it was looking hopeless, Kratos leapt back on the scene, hacking away at Sheena wildly.

"H-hey!" Sheena gasped. "You killed my Guardian! Do you know how rare those things are?"

"To tell you the truth," Kratos said, shrugging. "I don't really give a damn."

Then, he Sonic Thrusted straight into her large chest. At that very moment, Lloyd woke up and shot a Demon Fang in Sheena's direction, which actually missed but whatever. Sheena toppled to the floor, defeated.

"D-damn..." she groaned. "Why can't I win??"

"'Goodness and love will always win!'" Genis recited happily. Lloyd sighed.

"Genis, I told you to stop bringing up that stupid Dwarven Vow."

"Good??" Sheena repeated, sounding shocked. "If you're good, then I'm good as well!"

"Not you too!" Lloyd threw his hands into the air hopelessly.

"Hm," the Professor pretended to think. "Y'know, I missed the part where killing the world's savior was considered 'good'."

Sheena glared up at her and shoved an Apple Gel in her mouth. She staggered to her feet and took several steps away from the group before she spoke. "I can't let you finish your journey. If you regenerate the world, my country will be destroyed!"

Everyone blinked, confused, except for Kratos, who looked extremely nervous.

"What? Destroyed?" Colette asked. "If I regenerate the world, everyone will be saved... right?"

"_This_ world will be saved!" Sheena snapped before she turned around and ran for it.

"Wait!" Lloyd called, but he was too late; from around the corner came a puff of grey smoke and the assassin was gone. "Man, what is with her?"

"What country will be destroyed if I save the world?" Colette asked.

"That girl..." Kratos mumbled, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "She must be..."

"Must be what?" Raine asked. "Do you know her?"

Kratos shook his head. "No. Come on, let's get out of here."

And so they did.

--

When they stepped out of the Mausoleum, the sun hit the group square in their heroic faces, and they threw up their hands to block it from their eyes. So, it was several seconds before they noticed that Colette had fallen flat on her face. Again.

"Professor!" Lloyd cried, pulling Colette to her feet again. She groaned and twitched suddenly, knocking Lloyd over and falling back down on top of him. "Ow!!" Lloyd moaned.

"Lloyd, what are you doing??" Genis snapped. Lloyd pouted, but he was ignored as everyone rushed to the Chosen's side.

"Colette, are you OK?" Raine asked nervously. Colette sat up, looking shocked. "Colette?"

"Um, yeah, actually..." she shook her head and put on a fake smile. "I'm fine. It doesn't hurt..."

"You liar," Genis snapped. "Look, you're bleeding!"

And Colette was bleeding. All over Lloyd's boots, as it happened. She shook her head. "But... it doesn't hurt."

"Oh, shut up." Raine snapped. She pulled the Chosen to her feet and helped her away from the ruin. "C'mon, you guys, we've got to set up camp again!"

The boys scurried after her. Except for Lloyd. The swordsman sat where he had fallen, staring after Colette dumbly. The truth had hit him like a sack of bricks.

He was going to have a little chat with Colette after dinner, the teen decided.

--

"Hey, Colette?" Lloyd asked, hours later, turning to the Chosen where she sat next to a blazing campfire.

"Hm?" Colette looked up. "What is it, Lloyd?"

"Can I... talk to you, for a second?" he nodded towards the hilly field that stretched away from their campsite meaningfully.

Colette smiled. "Um, OK then." She stood up and started walking. Lloyd waved.

"I'll be right there!" he called.

When the boy caught up with Colette, she was standing atop a grassy hill and staring at the moon in a dim witted sort of way. Lloyd chuckled a bit.

"This is just like the night before you left, remember?" He asked, holding out a mug of coffee for the Chosen.

Colette blinked. "Um, Lloyd? Do you know a word that rhymes with 'purple'?"

"Wow!" Lloyd exclaimed. "_Exactly_ like the night before you left!"

Colette shrugged a bit. "So, um, what's up?"

"Nuthin' really." Lloyd said, taking an enormous swig of coffee. "It's just, it's been a while since we actually had time to talk, y'know? Like, without Kratos listening to us or Professor Sage correcting us or Genis making fun of us."

"Making fun of you." Colette corrected. She swished her coffee around dreamily, so it was hard for Lloyd to tell if she was joking or not.

"Eh, yeah." Lloyd decided that it was time to set his first plan into motion. "So, Colette, what d'you think of the coffee?" The Chosen shrugged. "It's hot, isn't it?"

Colette smiled an obviously fake smile. "Yeah, it is! It's really hot!"

Lloyd shrugged. "Really, now? It's actually iced coffee."

"Yeah, it's really... huh?"

"I had Genis make it cold." Lloyd said smugly.

"Oh, yeah!" Colette said quickly. "I mean, of course its cold!"

Lloyd sighed. "I lied. It's actually hot."

"Th-that's what I meant!" Colette insisted. "Hot hot hot coffee!"

"Colette, look," Lloyd pointed to the Chosen's mug. "There's nothing in there."

"For Martel's sake!" Colette snapped, throwing her empty cup to the ground in aggravation. "Would you just make up your mind??"

"Ah-HA!" Lloyd pointed his finger at the Chosen's frightened face. "I _knew_ it! You can't feel anything, can you?"

"Th-that's... that's not true!" Colette turned away and glared up at the moon. Lloyd spun around so that he was facing her again and grabbed her hand. Colette blushed a bit and squeezed his hand back with a shy smile.

"Ah-HA!" Lloyd cried again, yanking his hand away. He pointed to his now bloodied glove. "Evidence numero two! You're bleeding like crazy, but didn't even flinch when I squeezed the heck out of your hand!" He glared a glare he had obviously learned from Kratos. Colette didn't say anything.

"And that's not all!" Lloyd added, waving a finger around triumphantly. "You haven't been eating _or_ sleeping! Right?"

"Well, sure I eat and sleep!" Colette smiled. She grabbed an eyelid with her finger and pulled it up for Lloyd to see. "Look, my eyes aren't red or anything, silly."

Lloyd blinked. "Yeah? Well... you even started eating foods you don't like! So, HA!"

Colette crossed her arms. "Alright, _alright_, you..." she turned away, either because she was trying to be angsty or because she was too annoyed to look Lloyd in the face. "It started at the Fire Seal, OK? After I was done getting sick all over the desert, I suddenly didn't feel hungry. I just didn't have an appetite. Even when I forced myself to eat, I can't hold anything down." She rubbed her tummy thoughtfully. "Speaking of which, I'm starting to think we'll be seeing that potato I had for dinner again soon."

Lloyd stared, flabbergasted. "That's... th-that's..."

"And, after the water seal, I stopped sleeping," Colette continued. Apparently, she'd been holding this speech back for quite some time. "I close my eyes, but I just can't get to sleep."

"Wow..." Lloyd mused. "Sounds pretty damn boring. What do you do all night?"

"Well..." Colette crossed her arms. "At first, I tried talking to Kratos, 'cause he's always the night watch. But, man, he's one boring guy." She pulled a bored face that was obviously supposed to be imitating Kratos. "'Yes, Chosen.' 'No, Chosen.' 'Jeez, Chosen, I hate my darn life!'" She threw her hands into the air.

Lloyd tilted his head to one side. "Kratos said he hated his _darn_ life?"

"Um, well, no but..." Colette giggled nervously. "I don't want to poison your virgin ears with what he _really _said."

Lloyd didn't say anything. He was trying to get around the fact that Colette considered his ears virgin. Damn, she was stupid.

"Anyways, after this seal, I couldn't feel anything," Colette shrugged. "And here we are today."

"Why didn't you tell me? Or anyone else??" Lloyd demanded.

"Well, I figured..." Colette let her gaze drift upwards to the full moon in the sky. "...that this is what it means to become an angel. So, I shouldn't let it get to me."

"This is what it means to become an angel??" Lloyd cried, stomping his feet and waving his hands. "Not eating anymore? Not sleeping anymore? Not feeling anything anymore? Having to engage conversations with boring bastards like Kratos??"

"But my eyesight has gotten lots better!" Colette pointed out. "I can see really really far away now! _And_, as an added bonus, I can hear super duper well, too! I can hear even the faintest sounds really clearly. I can hear so well that... it actually makes my ears bleed every now and again."

"WHAT??" Lloyd shouted. Colette cringed and held a handkerchief to her ears. Lloyd couldn't stand seeing her look so pitiful, so he gave her a big, warm, and slightly bloody hug. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize what was going on at all. I'm sooooo sorry!"

Colette shifted around a bit until she was comfortable against Lloyd's chest. Hot damn, Lloyd was hugging her! Colette tried not to let her excitement show and to sound sad when she said: "It's OK, Lloyd. But, don't tell anyone, m'kay?"

Lloyd pulled away from the blonde, which made her a bit disappointed, but whatever. "Why not?" Lloyd demanded softly. Apparently he'd finally noticed the thin line of blood trailing from the Chosen's ears. Oops.

"Well, it just... we're all in this journey together and I want it to be fun fun fun!"

Lloyd sighed. "What the hell is so fun about traveling with a ruin-obsessed bitch, an annoying little brat, and a condescending asshole? And a chick who's slowly losing her humanity?" The teen groaned and pulled Colette in for another hug. "You are so damn stupid!"

"Sorry, Lloyd," Colette said, sniffling a little. "I'm really happy... so happy that I want to cry! But... I can't anymore."

"You can't cry? Oh, Colette, that's-" Lloyd broke off. "Wait a minute, you can to cry! You cried just today, when you and Genis and Raine's spell blasted me across the room! And you've cried before then, too!"

Colette shrugged. "That, Lloyd, would be the author's mistake."

And they were OK with this.

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

--

The next morning would have seemed like any other to most members of the group. Lloyd, who hadn't been trusted with a secret since the second grade, had formulated a habit of winking at Colette every time he said something. The Chosen, after the first hour or so, had decided to ignore it.

"So, Professor, where are we going now?" _Wink_.

Raine shrugged. "We should probably head towards the next seal, which we believe is in the Tower of Mana." She pulled her brother's map from his magic pocket and unfolded it. She pointed to a dot at the top of the continent. "See? That's it right there."

"Aw, Professor!" Lloyd whined. _Wink_. "That's gonna take, like, three da-ays!" _Wink_.

"We might as well stop in Luin," Kratos pointed out, indicating the so labeled dot on the map. "It's on the way, and only about a day or two's walk from here. We can stock up on supplies and whatnot."

"I like Luin!" Colette said. Lloyd winked at her. She ignored him. "It was all pretty on a lake and sorta like Palmacosta only river-ier and prettier! And there weren't any Desians!"

"This is true," Raine said, handing the map back to Genis. "But, Luin is pretty close to a Human Ranch, I believe. I can't help but wonder why it _wasn't_ attacked yet."

"Aw, don't be such a killjoy, Professor!" Lloyd grinned. _Wink_. "Let's go to Luin!"

"Lloyd?" Genis asked slowly. "Is there something in your eye?"

--

Many hours later, the group decided that they were not going to make it to Luin before the sun went down and that they should probably set up camp. And so Genis threw up a fire, Colette spread out the company's sleeping bags, Raine pulled out several bags of old fried fish, and Kratos sat off in a corner. Lloyd thought the mercenary was asleep, until he threw some fish at his head and Kratos hit it straight back to him. Lesson learned; Lloyd stayed far far away from Kratos.

"Man," he whined. "I am _sick_ of eating fried fish! Especially _cold_ fried fish!"

Genis sighed. "I am too."

Raine threw cold bits of fish at them. "Oh, shut up. It's all we have, so live with it."

Silence fell over the camp as they settled on their cold fish. After several minutes, Lloyd stopped and glared at the fish. He thought for a minute, and then a sly grin spread across his face. He stood up and started digging through Genis' cooking supplies.

"Lloyd? What are you doing?" Raine asked, sounding bored.

"I'm-a gonna liven up this here fish," Lloyd stated, raising a small bottle over his head to read the label on it. Baking soda. Hm, sounds good enough. Lloyd poured it over his dinner.

"Lloyd, do you even know what you're doing??" Genis asked, sounding a bit worried.

"Nah." The swordsman shook up another jar before upending it over the fish. He dug around a bit before he found a bottle full of dark liquid.

"Oooooh!" Lloyd shook the bottle eagerly. "What's this, Genis?"

"Soy sauce."

"Oh." Lloyd sounded disappointed. He poured it over his fish anyway. Colette slid to his side to watch, and even Kratos looked mildly interested as Lloyd threw the fish on a frying pan and started flipping it over a fire.

"Lloyd, it's already fried," Raine reminded him.

"Well, I'm making it friedier!" Lloyd shot back. He tossed a handful of purple powder into the concoction with a wild grin. Colette, eager to get in on the action, started pulling jars and bottles out of Genis' bag and handing them to the teen. By now, he had the entire group's attention, and was making full use of it. He flung the fish into the air and caught it again in the frying pan. He tossed ingredients over his head and onto his audience in an unsuccessful attempt to hit the fish. At last, he dropped the fish onto a plate and tossed the frying pan aside. With a grin, he pulled out a fork and held it over the concoction. He slowly took a piece and sloooowly raised it to his mouth.

"Twenty Gald says he pukes in ten minutes," Genis whispered to Kratos.

"I'll give him three," Kratos agreed, searching his pocket for the money.

"Heeey," Lloyd said, chewing on his mess of a dinner. "This is pretty good! You want some, Professor?"

Raine backed away a bit. "No, not particularly..."

"Aw, c'mon!" Lloyd whined. And, before the Professor had a chance to escape, he shoved the fish into her mouth. Looking terrified, Raine chewed quickly and swallowed hard. She was quiet for a minute, then gasped.

"Oh my Goddess, that _is_ good!" She clapped a hand over her mouth before she pulled out a new fork and took another bite of Lloyd's dinner. Kratos and Genis both let their jaws drop.

"Ooh, I want some, Lloyd!" Colette shouted. She opened her mouth for the swordsman to throw some fish in and grinned. "Oh, wow, this _is_ good!"

Lloyd blinked. "Wait a minute, Colette, I thought you couldn't-" Colette elbowed him. "-I-I mean, I thought you couldn't, uh, couldn't eat soy sauce because you... ah, because you are allergic!"

Genis turned to Kratos. "Well, Kratos," he said. "We are the last of the sane. Do you think we should eat some?"

Kratos shook his head. "We'll see how much they like it after they all get serious food poisoning and are throwing up all night."

Genis shrugged, then dragged his sleeping bag several feet away from Raine's before he crawled into in and fell asleep. Kratos, however, was pinned with the night watch (again), and was forced to listen to Lloyd and Colette being sick, and Raine trying to punch Lloyd without throwing up herself.

Kratos didn't mind too much, though. He was a sadistic sort of bastard, and grinned lightly as he leaned against Noishe's side and laughed silently at his idiots.


	21. Chapter 21

So begins the Asgard Ranch arc, more commonly known as the "best freaking part of the whole story… so far". In my humble opinion.

Sorry it took so long to get up (like, what, two months??). I got a crappy report card and was grounded… and was thus unable to submit anything. But I'm back now, and super sorry!

So, is my love for the Desians making this story sound a bit bias? giggles

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-One**

The next morning, Lloyd and his cooking victims were especially grumpy. Genis got a kick out of making fun of them until Raine beat him within an inch of his life, and he shut up after that. Kratos, always the quiet condescending one, was quiet and condescending.

"So, Professor," Lloyd finally broke the grumpy silence. "How far 'till we get to Luin?"

Raine pointed towards the horizon. "It's not too far, remember? I'd say we'll be there by... noon, at the latest."

Lloyd had one heck of a blast nagging the Professor when they arrived in the city at exactly twelve twenty-three.

"-and you said we'd be there at noon and we actually - holy hell!"

"Lloyd," Genis said with a sly sort of shrug. "There is nothing holy about hell."

"No, look!" Lloyd pointed to the city which spread out before them. That is, the remains of the city. Luin had been utterly and completely destroyed; bridges were broken, the streets were littered with craters, and not a single house was left standing. The group walked through the once cheerful city, utterly horrified (except for Kratos, who was only a bit horrified).

"This is horrible..." Colette muttered. She stared at the tiny Katz house, which was now nothing more than a hole in the wall, littered with debris and catnip. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Hey, Colette!" Lloyd said. "I thought you couldn't-"

The tears vanished without a trace.

"Hey!" Came Genis' voice from up ahead. "What the hell are _you_ doing here??"

Lloyd and Colette ran around the corner to find the rest of the group gathered around a bloody and beat up someone. A rather busty someone.

"Sheena-chanchan!" Colette cried, tears springing to her eyes again. She dropped to her knees and hugged the dying human, sobbing uncontrollably. Sheena twitched.

"Um, Sheena-chanchan?" The ninja repeated, looking confused and a bit scared.

"What are _you _doing here?" Lloyd asked. Sheena pushed Colette away and sighed.

"If you want to finish me off, now's your chance," She said bitterly. "I don't have any strength left to fight."

Colette clasped her hands sadly. "You've lost a lot of blood." She said.

"How could you tell?" Sheena asked with a touch of sarcasm.

"It's all over everywhere," Lloyd said matter-of-factly. Sheena rolled her eyes.

"Professor, please!" Colette begged. "Heal her!"

Raine shrugged. "OK, fine. But first Sheena'd better tell us everything. It seems she has accomplices, and this may just be a trap."

Sheena laughed. "Ha. You're just as devious as you look."

"Call me what you like," Raine said with a shrug.

"OK, fine." Sheena sighed. Then, she tried gesturing towards the city, but found it hard seeing as her arm was nearly sawed off. "Take a look at this city. Everything's in ruin. The Desians... invaded."

"Man!" Lloyd kicked at the ground. Then, he pointed accusingly at Colette. "This is _your_ fault! _You_ jinxed it!" Colette started crying again. Sheena continued:

"Everything was blown to smitherines, and the survivors were taken to the Asgard Human Ranch." She sighed, and then looked up at the group. "So, does anyone wonder why it's called the Asgard Ranch when it's closer to Luin?"

Before anyone had a chance to answer, there was a loud shriek from behind them. "AAAAH! Somebody help me!"

Around the corner came Pastor Joe, running as fast as his old pastorly legs could carry him. What he was running from was soon revealed.

"It's Clara! She's managed to get all the way over here!" Raine gasped, pointing at the grotesque monster.

"Damn. She's fast." Lloyd commented.

"And she can swim, apparently," Genis added.

Sheena leapt into action. She unfurled a deck of cards and jumped in front of Clara. "Stay back, you monster!" Clara swung an enormous hand at the assassin and kept right on walking. "GAAAaaaah..." Sheena fell over, pretty much chopped in two.

"Clara!" Colette cried, releasing her wings and hovering in front of the monster. "Please, stop!" Hey, it worked last time.

And, for some strange reason, it worked this time too. Clara gave a half-hearted sort of swing at the Chosen before she turned around and ran for it.

"Why does she always do that?" Genis asked as Colette fell back to the ground.

"Why does it always work?" Lloyd added before he hurried to Colette's side. "Are you alright, Colette?" he asked, wading through Sheena's blood to reach the Chosen.

"I-I'm fine..." Colette said, standing up and dusting herself off. "But what about Sheena?"

What was left of Sheena gave an annoyed sort of growl. Raine decided that it was high time she healed the assassin, which she did. As Sheena's parts stitched themselves back together, the ninja stood up shakily.

"Wh-why did you save me?" she asked, as if they hadn't been planning on healing her from the beginning.

"Because we're the good guys!" Lloyd stated proudly. "We'd save a freaking Desian if he gave us a good reason. Well... no, that's a lie, but we'd save anyone else because no one could ever be as evil as a Desian."

Not too far away, Desian Number Five Hundred Seventy-Seven gave a hearty sneeze.

"Well, thanks," Sheena said. She twisted her hands nervously before she continued: "Ah, listen. I've got... a favor I'd like to ask."

"Oh, suure," Genis said sarcastically. "We'll do anything for you, Sheena, even though you've been trying to kill us since Chapter Eight."

"You betcha!" Colette agreed enthusiastically. "What do you need, Sheena?"

"The people in this city were so nice to me..." Sheena shrugged. "And it's sort of my fault that they got attacked. So... will you help me save them?"

"I don't think so." Raine started. "We don't owe-"

"HUMAN RANCH HUMAN RANCH HUMAN RANCH!!!" Lloyd interupted. He had an evil sort of grin and was foaming at the mouth. "I WANT TO INVADE IT!!"

Sheena took several steps backwards. "Is he OK?"

"He's fine." Raine said, waving it off.

"We'd love to help you, Sheena!" Colette giggled. Genis actually agreed.

"Yeah, I want to kick some Desian ass!" he clenched his fists. "They always do such terrible things! And they make us look bad!"

"Us?" Lloyd asked. He pointed to his elven buddy. "I thought you guys were elves, not half-elves."

"W-we are!" Genis said quickly. "I mean, they make elves look bad! Because, they're half elf!"

"Oh, yeah!" Lloyd nodded eagerly. "So they make humans look bad, too! Man, they suck!"

Kratos, ignoring his overly excited idiots, spoke up. "It's probably best to take Sheena along. It will be easier to keep an eye on her."

Raine shrugged. "You have a point there. OK, let's-"

"LET'S GO KICK SOME DESIAN ASS!" Lloyd and Genis chorused.

And so they did.

--

The Asgard Human Ranch was pretty similar to all previous ranches, right down to the scary background music. Everyone shivered slightly as they stepped into the shadow of the building, except for Lloyd who gave an excited sort of gigglesnort.

"Hey, what's that?" Kratos asked, pointing to a very suspicious and out of place boulder which was hiding a very conspicuous hole in the ground. Everyone ignored him, however, because no one ever really listens to Kratos. Which was stupid, but whatever. So, they came up to the entrance of the ranch, only to find it guarded by several Desians.

"What do we do now?" Genis whispered.

"WE ATTACK!" Lloyd shouted. Raine smacked a hand over his mouth and spoke as if she hadn't heard him.

"We'll steal a few Desian's uniforms so that we can sneak in, all unoticed-like..."

"Yeah, like a fish!" Colette added.

"Yeah, and then-" Raine stopped and stared at Colette. Lloyd stopped struggling against the Professor's hand and stared at Colette. Genis and Kratos stopped glaring at each other and stared at Colette. And Sheena simply stared at Colette.

"Like... a fish?" Raine sighed. "OK, yeah, like a fish. And then we'll find the captives and set 'em free and maybe hit the self-destruct button before we skedaddle."

"Self-destruct button?" Sheena asked incredulously. "Do you honestly think they'd be so stupid as to have a self-destruct button?"

"Yes." Replied the entire group shortly. Just then, three Desians walked past their hiding spot. Raine, Kratos, and Lloyd each grabbed one and pulled them into the bushes. The poor half-elves didn't even have a chance to scream before they were brutally murdered and stripped down to their underwear.

"This is a bit awkward." Genis said, watching Kratos struggle to remove one Desian's incredibly revealing outfit.

"Maybe... " Lloyd replied, unable to pull his eyes away from the almost-naked woman. He gave a nervous sort of giggle.

"I suggest we return to Luin," Raine suggested, which was really more of a command. And so they left the naked Desians behind the bushes and ran back to Luin.

--

Later that night, the group gathered around a campfire to go over their plan one more time.

"OK," Raine said, shifting through the pile of Desian uniforms. "Only one of these outfits is really usable. The rest have big holes in them." She glared at Kratos and Lloyd, who had made murdering the Desians far too messy. The boys looked at their feet, ashamed.

"So, I think I'll be wearing this one." Raine said. She scurried behind a bush to change. When she emerged a few minutes later, it was impossible to tell that she was not a blood-thirsty half-elf but a somewhat violent school teacher. She exchanged a high-five with Colette.

"Heeey!" Lloyd whined. "I wanna be the Desian!"

"Shut up, Lloyd," Raine snapped. She gestured to her uniform, which was really no more than an armored bikini. "This is a female outfit. This will look the most natural."

Lloyd pouted. Just then, Sheena stepped out from the bushes, also clad in a slutty Desian outfit. "Why do you get to wear one, too?" Lloyd cried, pointing at the ninja and her boobs.

Sheena placed a hand on her hip. "I got this uniform before, when I was going to invade the ranch alone."

"Wow." Genis said. "How the hell were you planning on pulling that off?" Sheena ignored him.

"So," She continued. "Raine and I will be the Desians, and the rest of you will be our prisoners."

"Awww man!" Lloyd whined. "This sucks!"

"Hey, you're already wanted anyway." Genis pointed out. "So it'll work best if you're a prisoner."

Lloyd pouted. But he agreed in the end. As did the rest of the group (Kratos wasn't too keen on being a prisoner, either). So, they spread out their sleeping bags for the night, Sheena offered to be the night watch (but Kratos ended up doing it anyway), and the group fell asleep to visions of dead Desians and blown up ranches.


	22. Chapter 22

Mmm… I wonder; is it completely obvious that Kvar is my all-time favorite character in this whole freaking game? Because he is.

I'm so biased.

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

First thing the next morning, the girls pulled on their Desian costumes and the group hurried to the Human Ranch.

"Now, if we're gonna do this right, you have to follow my lead," Raine said as they stepped into the shadow of the Ranch. "You are prisoners, got it? Act... I don't know... pathetic."

Lloyd pouted.

"That's good, Lloyd!" Sheena gave the swordsman a thumbs-up. Lloyd scowled. Sheena applauded.

"OK, let's do this!" Raine cried. She led the way to the Desian's front door, followed by the boys and Colette, with Sheena taking up the rear.

"Well, we've done it!" Raine said, coming to a stop before the two half-elves on guard.

"Done... what?" Asked the soldier on the right.

"We've captured the wanted criminal, Lloyd Irving!" Raine gestured proudly to Lloyd, who did his best to look pitiful.

"Ew," Said Desian on the left. "Is he alright?"

"He's got a sneeze," Raine said, elbowing Lloyd discretely. Lloyd forced a sneeze.

"Ger-ha-snee-CHKOO!"

"Damn..." Left Desian muttered.

"Well, good job, anyway," Said right Desian. "You even managed to capture him alive. Hell, even the Grand Cardinals failed at catching this guy. Although..." the Desian lowered his voice. "I think you may have brought him to the wrong ranch. You know Lord Kvar will take all the credit for himself. You'll be lucky if you even get a promotion."

"Too bad." Raine said dully. She grabbed Colette's hand and pulled her through the door. The rest of the group followed without a word.

"Hey, waitaminute!" The Chosen posse froze in their tracks. Sheena, who happened to be passing the guards at that moment, gave a cheesy sort of smile and waved nervously.

"You..." The Desian on the left eyed her suspiciously. "You... smell really human-y, y'know?"

"D-Do I?" Sheena asked. Her voice squeaked a bit. "M-must be from all the... um, all the humans I ate! Yeah, they were good!" She rubbed her tummy.

"You ate them??" Desian on the right gasped. "That... that's disgusting! And more than a bit scary!" He took several steps backwards. "I-I-I don't taste that good, I swear! Please don't eat me!"

Sheena blinked. She then turned to the other Desian, who fell over in his haste to back away. With a grin, the would-be-Desian flexed her muscles proudly. "That's right. You'd better steer clear of the great Shee-"

Raine cut in, "The great Number Sixty-Seven! Of course!" Raine pointed at the ninja. Sheena, catching her mistake, nodded eagerly. The poor Desians were so terrified that they didn't even remember that Number Sixty-Seven had died back in Chapter Two.

And, before the real Desians could say another word, Raine had grabbed Sheena's shoulder and pulled her into the ranch.

As the group trudged across the front lawn, they tried to take in their surroundings without looking too out of place. To their right, large crates littered the lawn. A pair of Desians sat on top of one, eating sandwiches and watching the humans who, across the lawn, were pushing around enormous rocks and getting beaten up. Suddenly, from behind them, Sheena gave a loud shriek. Lloyd and Co. spun around just in time to see Sheena smack a Desian across the face.

"Aw, what's the deal, Four Fourty-Three?" He whined, pushing his helmet up to rub his cheek.

"Don't you _ever_..." Sheena started, her face glowing bright red.

"What's the matter??" The Desian asked, spreading his arms wide.

"You grabbed my butt!" Sheena exclaimed.

The Desian pouted. "But I thought..." Suddenly he stopped. "Wait a minute... you're not... Four Fourty-Three..." He paled.

"Damn right!" Sheena yelled. "I'm... uh, I'm..."

"Sixty-Seven," Raine whispered.

"Yeah! I'm Sixty-Seven! So... fuck off, pervert!" She shot the Desian a rude hand gesture before turning on heel and marching away. The poor Desian shuffled away, horribly embarrassed and vowing to never mention this to his girlfriend.

"Damn, this is weird..." Lloyd mumbled a few minutes later as they wandered the halls of the Desian Ranch.

"Silence, human!" Raine yelled, smacking the teen upside the head. Lloyd frowned. Personally, he thought that the Professor was laying it on a bit thick. Still, he kept quiet - he didn't like getting hit.

A few minutes later found the group in a room chock full of fancy computers and "technology". The children ooohed and aaahed while the Professor walked up to the main computer and started typing away calmly.

"Wow, look at that!" Lloyd yelled. He pointed out a large window at 'that'. 'That' turned out to be an enormous room, most of which was occupied by two large conveyor belts which were loaded with large capsules. Several Desians wandered about, completing the factory-style look.

"Are those things exspheres?" Genis asked, pointing at the capsules which were cleverly labeled "EXSPHERE".

"Then this is... an exsphere manufacturing plant." Raine said breathlessly.

"Man..." Lloyd gasped. "All those things are exspheres?"

Kratos sighed. "Come on. We have to get to work."

Raine nodded and returned to the computer. The children hurried to her side, gazing over her shoulder at the amazing piece of "technology".

"Wow..." Sheena said quietly. "So there are people on this side who can operate machinery, to..."

"What do you mean?" Colette asked politely.

Sheena blushed and shook her head. "Ah, n-nothing. I was just talking to myself."

"The first sign of insanity," Lloyd pointed out. He was promptly smacked. Just then, a door slid open and a familiar face entered the room. Along with the rest of his body.

"Hey, it's that loser sidekick from Triet!" Lloyd cried, pointing at the half-elf, who frowned. A pair of lackeys followed him through the door, each loaded with an armful of what looked suspiciously like exspheres, and blinked nervously.

"Desians!!" Genis and Lloyd both shrieked at the same time; one with fear, and one with excitement.

"Ha." The lackey on the right chuckled evilly. "They still think we're Desians."

"Umm..." Colette clasped her hands. "Um, aren't you?"

"You know, if that's what you want to think..." The second lackey waved a hand calmly, which was stupid as he ended up dropping half of his exspheres. He scrambled to pick them up.

"Are you trying to pick a fight??" Lloyd demanded, unsheathing his swords as he did.

"Damn right!" Lackey A yelled, dropping his exspheres and pulling out his weapon.

"Wait!" Botta instructed. "Kratos is with them."

"Yes, yes I am," Kratos answered dully.

"I think it would be in our best interests if we did not fight here," Botta said savagely. He then gestured for his lackeys to follow him as he ran for the door. The came to an abrupt halt, however, when the door slid open to reveal three Desians, who started up a dorky dance which produced a fleet of fireballs.

The would-be Desians skedaddled in another direction, and somehow managed to leave the scene. The Desians instead started shooting at Lloyd and Company. As it turned out, Colette and Kratos were hit.

"Colette!" Lloyd cried, stepping over Kratos' fried carcass to reach his blonde friend. "Are you alright?"

"No time for that now!" Kratos coughed. "Look behind you!"

Lloyd looked behind him and found himself eye-to-squinty-eye with a half-elf who was obviously important to the story as he had a face. The man had narrowed eyes and pale, slicked back hair, which made him look a hell of a lot like Draco Malfoy. An equally evil character.

"Well," the would-be Malfoy sneered. "When I heard we had some rats in the control room, I assumed it was the Renegade, Botta. But instead I find this..."

He said "this" with a sort of grimace; this was, in fact, two slutty Desian wanna-be's, a fried mercenary, and three annoying children.

"Who are you supposed to be?" Lloyd snapped.

The half-elf stepped into the room and looked down on Lloyd as if he were some sort of diseased snail. "_You _barge into _my _ranch and then demand _my _name?"

"Wow, Lloyd," Genis said, trying hard not to laugh. "Isn't this usually the other way around?"

Lloyd punched his elven buddy in the face.

"That is Kvar, the ruler of this ranch," Kratos said emotionlessly.

Kvar laughed an evil laugh. "Ah, I see some of you know me." He gave Kratos a very very evil smirk. Kratos, for some reason, looked at Lloyd and started crying.

"Hey!" Genis shouted, catching the Desian's attention. "How can you see where you're going?"

"Excuse me?" Kvar asked, looking confused and a touch annoyed.

"With your eyes closed like that. Don't you run into stuff?"

Kvar shot the elf with a quick bolt of lightning. He then turned to Lloyd, who blinked dumbly. "It's just as Forcystus said..." he began. He pointed to the swordsman's hand and continued: "That exsphere is without a doubt the result of _my _Angelus Project!"

"Wha'choo talkin' about?" Lloyd demanded. Kvar didn't have chance to answer, because at that moment Colette flung one of her chakrams at his pointy evil head. The Desian ducked just in time, and the group took advantage of his lack of concentration to run for it.

They scurried straight past the Grand Cardinal and through the door, which they slammed shut behind them. Lloyd put a chair under the handle to keep the Desians from getting through, which might hold a room full of exsphere equipped magic using soldiers for about three seconds. Nonetheless, the group left the chair in place and ran for it.

They leapt over the conveyor belts and up a flight of stairs, killing any Desian who got in their way. It wasn't until they reached a raised sort of platform above the factory did they realize that this was _not _the way to the exit. Everyone stared around wildly for an escape route.

"Hey," Colette said suddenly, grabbing everyone's attention. She pointed to a walled in conveyor belt above their heads, on which grim-faced humans were riding. "What is that?"

The group watched as one human, a depressed-looking man with orange hair, rode past the group and into a windowless room. Less than a second later, a capsule rode out of the room and down to the plant below. The Chosen posse and Sheena slowly looked from the humans, to the capsules, to the Desians, to each other.

"What the-?"

"This is where the exspheres are removed from the host bodies," said a smug voice from behind them. Lloyd and Co. turned to find not only Kvar, but at least ten Desians behind him.

"Wait..." Raine said slowly, being the only one smart enough to piece things together. "Are you saying that exspheres are made from... human bodies?"

"Not exactly," Kvar explained. "Exspheres are these dormant rock things at first. They extract nourishment from human lives. Then, they are taken here," he nodded to the conveyor belt. "And their exspheres are removed. Why else would we waste our time taking care of these pathetic, inferior beings?"

"That's..." Colette gasped, tears springing to her eyes.

"That's..." Genis mumbled, looking at his feet sadly.

"That's..." Lloyd began. "... Nasty! How the hell could you do something like that??"

Kvar ignored his question. He pointed at the teen's hand and said: "Lloyd, your exsphere was to be an offering to Lord Yggdrasill. It's time you returned it."

"Yggdrasill?" Raine repeated. "I guess that's the name of your leader."

"M'yes. And it would've gotten me one hell of a promotion, lemme tell you!" The half-elf brandished a fist angrily. "I was so ready to see Pronyma's arrogant face twist with rage when _I _became the leader of the Grand Cardinals and _she _got demoted to janitor!" He chucked at the very thought.

"No way!" Lloyd held his exsphere'd hand to his chest protectively. "This is a memento of my mom's, who you Desians MURDERED!"

"Murdered?" Kvar gave an exaggerated sort of sigh. "Whatever. That exsphere is the result of years and years of research. And then that filthy host body took it and ran." The half-elf's face twisted into a grumpy sort of look. "What a bitch."

"Filthy host body?" Lloyd repeated. A light bulb flickered to life above his head. "Wait a minute... you don't mean...?"

"Hm, you don't know anything, do you?" Kvar asked, obviously finding pleasure in knowing more than Lloyd. He grinned evilly. "That exsphere was raised on and then stolen by host body A012. Human name: Anna." He paused, stretching out the silence until Lloyd nearly killed himself in the suspense. "Your mother."

Lloyd was silent for a moment, while a violin took up a sad sort of song in the background. "You mean... you killed my..."

"Oh no no no," Kvar waved off the accusation. "Don't look at me. I'm not the one who killed your mother. You're father did."

"LIAR!" Lloyd screamed. He was so worked up that he didn't even notice that, behind the teen, Kratos had choked on nothing in particular and was coughing and wheezing in the background. Raine patted his back nervously.

"Oh, shut up," Kvar said lazily. "You're mother ran for it, and when we removed her exsphere she turned into a monster, and your father killed her. Pathetic, don't you think?"

"D-d-do not spe-cough-speak ill of the d-d-de-dead." Kratos gasped, pounding his chest a little.

Kvar looked at him for a minute. Then he burst into laughter. "Ha ha ha ha ha! Who cares? They were just a pair of filthy humans. Worthless maggots. Slimy bastards. Ugly-"

"We get it!" chorused the group. Lloyd's face turned red.

"Don't you _ever_ talk about my parents like that!" He spat. He unsheathed his sword. "I'm gonna freaking kill you!"

He tried to jump at Kvar and wipe that smirk off his face (or, preferably, slice that head off his shoulders) but was stopped by none other than Sheena-chanchan.

"Let me handle this." She said. The ninja pulled out a large card that Lloyd recognized from fighting her so many times.

"I'm gonna use the last one, Grandpa..." she whispered before raising the paper over her head. In a flash of smoke, Creepy Bird Creature Number Three appeared. It tackled Kvar, along with several other Desians, and Sheena took that opportunity to throw a smoke bomb at the floor. She grabbed Raine's hand, who grabbed Genis' hand, who grabbed Kratos' hand, who blushed and grabbed Lloyd's hand, who grabbed Colette's hand, who was silently led by Sheena out of the ranch.

"So this is how she vanishes in a cloud of smoke!" Lloyd said as he ran. "Jeez. This is kinda lame."

--

Not to long later, Kvar stared sullenly at the spot where the group had stood moments ago. While his subordinates wrestled with the bird creature, he called over Desian Seven Hundred and Six from across the room.

"Should we go look for them, sir?" He asked with a salute.

"No," Kvar said. "We can find them at any time by following the Chosen's mana signature. As long as we find them before Pronyma does, we're good. Right now I want that idiotic sidekick's head on a stick, and the exspheres he stole returned. Find the Renegades!"

And so they did. Or tried to, at least. But that, my children, is another story entirely.


	23. Chapter 23

Another chapter up… to make up for being so slow before. Crazy Pietro is silly.

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

"I can't believe it," Lloyd said softly, hours later, as the group gathered around a blazing fire.

Genis, who had been trying to cook some sort of fried fish stew, looked up sadly. "I know. I can't believe that exspheres are made from human lives. It's like... horrible."

Colette sniffled, but that may have been because of the onions she was chopping up for the stew. "It's so sad! All those people in the ranch are being turned into exspheres!"

"It's a pretty depressing idea," Kratos agreed without looking up; he was taking his pre-night watch nap.

"No, I mean, I can't believe that Sheena's vanishing act was such a cheap trick." Lloyd looked terribly disappointed. He turned to the ninja with tears streaming down his cheeks. "I believed in you, Sheena-chanchan!"

"Would you stop calling me that?" Sheena snapped, irritated.

Lloyd dried his eyes and looked at his exsphere. "This was made from my mom's life..."

Genis glanced at his hand as well. "And this is... Marble's life..."

Raine eyed her exsphere. "This was made from some random human's life, I guess." She shrugged.

"GRAH!" Lloyd suddenly shouted. He ripped his exsphere from his hand, a rather bloody act, and made to throw it away. "These... _things_ make a mockery of human life!"

"Lloyd, stop!" Colette cried, clasping her hands together. "What will you accomplish by taking that off?"

"Yes," Kratos mumbled from his seat next to Noishe. "Without an exsphere, you suck."

"Don't you think I know that already??" Lloyd snapped. Then, he realized what he had just said. Out of pure frustration, he threw a rock at Kratos' head.

"Lloyd," Kratos started, catching the rock before it hit him. "The people at the ranch didn't want to become victims, but now that they've been turned into exspheres anyways, do you think they'd want to be thrown away?"

"Yeah, Lloyd!" Colette added. "That's your mother's life! You've gotta take care of it!"

Genis, without looking up from his exsphere, said: "Yeah... I want to fight for Marble's sake."

Lloyd sighed. He looked at his formerly exsphere'd hand and poked at the new hole in his hand thoughtfully. "Does anyone have a band-aid?"

As it happened, no one had a band-aid. But, one apple gel later, Lloyd's hand was good as new. Then, he put his exsphere back in, which dug into his skin again anyways. Sheena couldn't help but think she'd wasted a perfectly good gel on the idiot.

"OK," Lloyd said, loud and determined again. "Tomorrow we'll break into the ranch again and set all the captives free and then send Kvar's half-elf ass straight to he-"

"-llo operator, please give me number nine!" Colette sang. "And if you disconnect me, I'll kick you right be-"

"-hind the 'fridgerator, there lay a piece of glass!" Sheena continued. "Miss Susie fell apon it, and broke her little-"

"Anyways," Raine spoke over the girls, who were singing loudly back and forth. "I doubt we'll be able to get in as easily as last time. I'm sure Kvar's upped the security by now."

"Yes," Kratos nodded and lay back down. He closed his eyes and continued: "How are we going to get in?"

"Oh, I know!" Sheena shouted, holding a finger in the air like she was some sort of genius. "I know this guy who escaped from the ranch before! We can go ask him how he got out."

"Where does he live?" Lloyd asked, already excited.

"In Hima." Sheena said. "It's, like... um, does anyone have a map?"

Genis held his up without a word. Sheena took it.

"Eh, thanks. OK." She spread it across the ground and pointed to yet another range of mountains that reached across the side of the continent. "It's in the mountains, right about..." she pointed to a small red dot. "... here! It'll probably only take a few hours to walk there."

"Perfect!" Colette giggled. "We can go there tomorrow morning, and infiltrate the ranch by lunch! I'm so excited; I don't know how I'm going to fall asleep tonight!"

"Wait a minute," Lloyd said slowly. "I thought you couldn't-"

Colette elbowed him. Lloyd shut up. The rest of the group decided to ignore the pair.

"Well, we'd better get a good night's sleep if we're gonna do all of that tomorrow!" Genis said. And, without another word, he snatched up his map and crawled into his sleeping bag. Everyone else followed suit, except for Kratos, who woke up and began the long, lonely night watch.

--

The group woke up extra early the next morning, so that once they'd packed up their camp and started walking, the sun was rising in front of them. This was very pretty to watch, until the sun had risen enough to gouge into everyone's eyeballs and pretty much blind them for the rest of the trip.

Anyways, the Chosen and her band of idiots reached Hima at about ten o'clock. Hima was quite similar to Hakonesia Peak in that it wasn't a city or village; it was pretty much an inn with a group of Katz on top. Sheena led the way into the inn and patiently waited for Colette to stop playing with the dog outside before she spoke to an old man sitting behind a desk.

"Excuse me?" she asked, tapping the desk impatiently. "Ex_cuse_ me? I'm looking for a Pietro."

The old man blinked at her. "Ehh? What was that?" he shouted.

"I'm looking for Pietro!" Sheena yelled.

"Pikachu?"

"PIETRO!" Sheena leaned into the old man's face and practically screamed. "I'M LOOKING FOR-"

"Sheena?" A woman came down the stairs, wiping her hands on a towel and looking a bit concerned at having this crazy ninja in her inn. "Sheena, what are you shouting for?"

"Sophie!" Sheena immediately abandoned the old man hurried to talk to the woman instead. "Sophie, I'm looking for Pietro. Can we please speak to him?"

"He's passed away." Sophie replied calmly.

"WHAAAT??" Sheena, along with half of the group, cried.

"Passed away," Sophie shrugged. "Died. Moved on. Kicked the bucket. Six feet under. Pushing up daisies. He's dead. He's-"

"OK, OK!" Sheena held up her hands defensively. Then she turned to the group. "Well... what do we do now?"

Raine spoke over the ninja's head to Sophie. "Pietro's the one who escaped from the Human Ranch. Did he say anything about how he got out?"

"N-no..." Sophie clasped her hands together uncertainly. "I'm not even sure if he really did escape from the ranch at all."

The group sighed. "Where is he buried?" Raine tried again.

"Out behind the inn, in the graveyard." Sophie blinked. "Oh, wait, you're not going to dig up his grave, are you??"

The group left without a word, leaving poor Sophie quite frightened. She looked at the old man behind the desk, who smiled back.

"Such nice young people, eh, Sarah?" He said. Sophie sighed and walked back upstairs.

Outside, the group had gathered inside the graveyard, which was really a few tombstones and some brightly colored flags. The group watched the stones, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for something to happen.

"Well," Raine finally said. "I suppose digging up the grave is out of the question."

"Let's pray." Colette said, uncharacteristically serious. She bowed her head, as did Sheena and Genis because they were good people. Lloyd watched the clouds float by until he realized that everyone had their heads bowed, and he hurried to follow suit.

_Ah, lesse..._ Lloyd searched his brain for a good prayer. _Um, may he rest in peace and, uh..._

"Pietro!" Sheena's voice broke Lloyd out of his half-assed prayer. He, along with the rest of the group, turned to the man Sheena was adressing.

"Pietro, Sophie told me you were dead!" She poked a finger at his chest. The man blinked, confused.

"Wait a minute..." Genis said slowly. "You mean... _this_ is Pietro?"

"Chosen... Desian... rock... purple... grandpa... mubbledeebah... mmblrmm..." Pietro gave a strange sort of giggle before he starting mumbling to himself. Suddenly he stopped, looked around wildly, and grabbed Sheena around the middle.

"Chosen Cardinal exsphere rock orb monseeer!" He wailed, hugging Sheena close. Sheena pulled away uncomfortably.

"Pietro? Ah... are you OK?"

Just then, Sophie walked up behind them. She gently tugged Pietro off of Sheena and pulled him away without a word.

"H-Hey!" Raine finally found her voice as Sophie led the confused man past her. "You lied to us! You said he was dead!"

Sophie came to a stop and sadly turned back to the group. Pietro tried to keep walking, tripped over his own feet, and lay on the ground mumbling something about his mother's cheesecake.

"Why would you do something like that?" Sheena asked, looking hurt.

"Um, well..." Sophie took a deep breath. "Look, everyone who escapes from the ranch is cursed, like this." She nodded at Pietro, who was now holding a garbled conversation with a beetle. "And then they die. Can't you just leave the poor man alone for his last days of life?"

She reached down and pulled Pietro back to his feet. He hugged her arm and told her about a Chosen Desian Orb which opened magic rocks to a land of cheesecake and monsters.

"Now, wait just a second!" Raine snapped, going into lecture mode. "Lots of people from Luin are dead because of him, and even more were taken to the ranch. We're going to save them, but we need to know how to get in."

"If it's possible to get out of the ranch, it must be possible to get in as well!" Colette said.

"Rock rock rock rock ROCK!" Pietro shouted, waving his arms. He then spun around in circles and continued: "Purple... rock... Chosen... project... Chosen... Chosen..."

Sophie sighed. "When he came back, he said he dug a secret tunnel with spoons and covered the entrance with a big rock. Does that help?"

"You could have told us that in the first place." Lloyd said, annoyed.

Sophie shrugged. "Well, since I told you that, I think it's only fair that you help me out, too."

Genis backed away. "If you want us to dress up as Katz, the answer is no." That earned him some stares.

"No, I-" Sophie blinked sadly. "I want you to find the cure to Pietro's sickness. I think there's a book on healing in the Tower of Mana. Or you could check the library, I guess."

"Of course we will!" Colette said saintly.

Sheena nodded eagerly. "Sure. I wanna help Pietro, too!"

Sophie smiled and started to lead Pietro away. "I'm sorry I lied to you!" she called over her shoulder.

"Chosen... project... Chosen." Pietro said slowly as he stumbled drunkenly back to the inn.

"Damn..." Lloyd said, sighing. "That guy is creepy. What d'you think the Desians did to him?"

"It probably has something to do with the exsphere," Raine said, pointing to her own as an example. "They probably took it off or something and it messed up his mana."

"Oh, like Marble!" Lloyd snapped his fingers.

"Except Marble turned into a monster," Genis pointed out.

"Yeah..."

"Well, we'd better get going." Kratos said stepping away from Pietro's grave.

"Ew." Lloyd shivered. "Even though he's not dead, the fact that he has a grave is kinda creepy. It's like... all ready for him to die."

Sheena laughed, until she realized that it _was_ kind of creepy. She shivered as well.

"Um, well... shall we?" She asked, and without waiting for an answer she led the way down the mountain.

--

As Lloyd and Company walked across the windy plains to the Ranch, Lloyd couldn't help but notice that Kratos was a bit... different than usual. He didn't even notice when Lloyd threw a rock at his head, so the teen knew that something was wrong.

"What's up, Kratos?" he asked, coming up beside the mercenary.

"Nothing." Kratos said stiffly, but Lloyd could tell he was lying. The man didn't even blush that much when he spoke to Lloyd.

"You look angry, Kratos," Genis piped up. "See? You're face is scarier than usual."

"I'm not angry."

"Yes you are." Raine snapped. "It's so obvious. Would you just tell us-"

"I'M NOT FREAKING ANGRY!" Kratos shouted, throwing his arms in the air and looking about as angry as they get. The entire group backed away several steps and stared from afar. Kratos growled.

"Sorrry. Just leave me alone for a minute, OK?" With that, the mercenary stomped away.

Lloyd exchanged an evil sort of grin with Genis. Like hell they were going to leave him alone for even a second. They threw stuff at him for the rest of the journey, and it was a miracle Kratos didn't kill them before they reached the ranch.

--

The group arrived at the ranch a little past lunchtime, so they stopped for some fried fish sandwiches before they started up the infiltration.

"So, we need to find a big rock..." Lloyd said, searching the ground carefully.

"Lloyd?" Kratos pointed to the suspicious boulder he had noticed on their last visit. "How about this rock?"

Lloyd decided to ignore him and started pushing the rock away from the hole in the ground. He pushed with all this might, but the rock didn't budge.

"Gimme a hand with this, wouldja?" he asked no one in particular. Colette and Sheena stepped foreword to help, while the Sage siblings and Kratos watched with a twisted sort of amusement.

The girls and Lloyd pushed and shoved at the rock for nearly five minutes, and the rock moved about a foot. At last, Genis took pity on them and destroyed the rock with a simple lightning spell. Then, the group dropped into the hole and crawled through the narrow tunnel into the Human Ranch.


	24. Chapter 24

YES! This is it! This is the chapter that I looked forward to, every time I lost the inspiration to write! This is probably one of the only chapters that was (for the most part) planned. And it's my FAVORITE. So far.

By the way, I always choose these teams. And I always regret it.

Also, I slipped in an OC of mine into this chapter. Can you find him? ;)

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

Surprisingly, the tunnel led into the control room where the Chosen posse had met Botta the day before. They stepped out of the hole and into the room, only to find it occupied by three Desians.

"What the hell??" One snapped. "Where the heck did you come from?"

Lloyd answered by removing the half-elf's head. Genis and Kratos killed the other two Desians, and just like that the room was half-elf free. Or so it would seem.

Raine stepped up to the computer and opened a map of the ranch, displayed in colorful cubes.

"OK," she called to the children, who were poking a dead Desian with a stick cheerfully. "Everybody get over here. This is important."

Lloyd and company crowded around the Professor, who gestured to the map calmly. "OK, this is where we are," she pointed to a block in the middle. "And this is most likely where Kvar is." She pointed to a small room on a higher floor to the left.

"OK..." Lloyd said slowly. "So we just hafta go over there and kick his evil ass, right?"

"No, not right." Raine put her hands on her hips and faced the group again. "First of all, you can't get up to that room unless you turn off the conveyors, which you can do in this room." She pointed to a room near the middle. "And then, you have to hit two switches over here-" she pointed to one on the right side of the map. "-and here-" the other, which was even further to the right. "And if you do that, it turns on the warp panel to where Kvar is. Oh, and," she pointed to another room to the right. "This is where the captives are held. We'll have to let them out, too."

"Damn..." Lloyd groaned. "This guy is crazy. Why can't he be stupid like Magnius?"

Colette and Genis nodded in agreement.

"Well, if we want to pull this off, we're going to have to do it quickly." Raine said. "I think it would be best if we split up, and half of us go after Kvar while the other half rescues the prisoners."

"Split up?" Colette pouted. "But, Professor, remember? United we stand, divided we-"

"Actually, that sounds like a good plan." Sheena crossed her arms and nodded.

"OK, then, Colette," Raine turned to the Chosen. "Please pick the groups."

"Huh? Me?" Colette looked thoughtful. "Well, in that case... I think Lloyd should pick."

"WHAAT??" cried a majority of the group. Lloyd frowned.

"C'mon, you guys, I can handle it."

Genis glared at Colette. "Why'd you choose the stupidest of us to pick??" he snapped.

"I trust your judgment, Lloyd!" Colette said, unaware that her hero had just socked Genis in the face.

"Well, I'm definitely going after Kvar." Lloyd said. He stepped over to the left side of the room, as if to prove his point. "But who should come with me...?"

"Please take me with you, Lloyd," Kratos said before anyone else had a chance to speak. "I hate Kvar and I want to kill him and I really really want to fight him so please take me with you please Lloyd please." He paused to catch his breath.

"Weeeell..." Lloyd grinned and put a hand to his chin, like he was thinking. "I dunno, Kratos..."

Kratos grabbed Lloyd by his red collar, shoved him against the wall, and pressed his face within an inch of Lloyd's. "I'm going with you." He said in his most scariest voice. Lloyd could only tremble in fear and squeak out a shaky nod.

"Excellent." Kratos dropped Lloyd and went to stand on the left side of the room. After a minute, Lloyd pulled himself to his feet beside the mercenary.

"OK, who else should come with us?" he mumbled, surveying the remaining group members. They all tackled him at once.

"Take me, Lloyd!" Sheena cried. "I'm the best fighter here!"

"No, Lloyd, take me!" Genis clambered over Sheena's head and waved a hand in Lloyd's face. "My magic totally owns Sheena's lame paper tricks!"

"Lloyd, you'll need me to come!" Raine said, pushing her brother and Sheena aside. "If you die, who's going to heal you?"

"No no, Lloyd!" Colette pushed her way throw the Professor and Sheena. "Take me! I'm cute and lovable!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Lloyd!"

"Lloyd!"

"Lloyd!"

"GAAH!" Lloyd clapped his hands over his ears and screamed. "Just shut up, would you??" The girls and Genis fell back impatiently. Lloyd sighed. "Look, I know the perfect way to pick who will come with me:" He grinned and pointed at each person in turn.

"Eeny meeny miny moe, catch a half-elf by the toe. If he hollers, let 'im go. Eeny meeny miny... moe!" Lloyd stopped his red finger on none other than Sheena, who cheered and hurried to Lloyd's side of the room.

"OK, then, it's decided!" Lloyd clapped his hands together and grinned. "After you guys hit the switches and let out the prisoners, meet us up in Kvar's room. Then we can blow this ranch sky high and be home before dinner!"

"Sounds good," Raine said. She then took Genis and Colette's hands and led them through a door to the right. Lloyd turned to his new posse and grinned.

"OK, let's do this!" He held his hand up for a high-five. Kratos hmphed and walked away. Sheena took pity on the teen and slapped his hand, but refused to join in his war cry. With a sigh, she followed the idiot and the mercenary into the next room.

--

Over on the right side of the ranch, the other half of the group learned the hard way that fighting sucked without Kratos or Lloyd. As Raine and Genis tried to cook up spells which were quite often interrupted, Colette was tripping over her own feet and throwing her chakrams at everything except Desians. Once Genis finally completed a spell, the trio hurried through the nearest door before the Desians had a chance to attack again.

They lucked out in that the door they'd entered led down a hallway and into a large room where the captives were held. They weren't so lucky in that the room was guarded by a pair of Desians, who immediately attacked the defenseless group.

If Lloyd had been there, the Desians would be headless in about three seconds. As it was, Lloyd was not there, and Raine, Genis, and Colette were. The battle took at least half an hour, much to the entertainment of the prisoners, but at last our heroes emerged victorious.

"Damn," Genis gasped, wiping his forehead and pulling out an apple gel. "This is pretty hard."

Colette was so winded she could only nod in agreement. Raine, after ingesting several gels, straightened and headed over to inspect the cells holding the survivors from Luin.

"Let us out!" They called. Raine casually flipped them off and continued searching for the telltale "OPEN" button.

"Here it is!" Genis called. He slapped a hand against the bright blue button, and in an instant the doors to the cells opened. The humans piled out loudly, cheering and laughing.

"Shut up!" Genis shouted, waving his arms.

"Who are you?" asked one dark-haired man.

"Acquaintances of the Chosen," Raine said shortly. "Now pull yourselves together! You've gotta get out of here, quick."

The humans nodded and started to head for the exit. Raine snapped her fingers, remembering something. "Oh, wait! Is there anyone here from Palmacosta?"

"I am!" called another human, waving his arm in the air.

"Do you know someone named Chocolat?"

"Oh, yeah," The human nodded. "Annoying girl, with brown hair, right?"

The trio nodded in unison.

"She underwent host body testing here. The test decides which ranch she will be taken to."

"I didn't know there was a difference between the ranches." Genis said with a shrug.

"I believe she was taken to the Iselia Ranch." The man said before he followed his human friends out the secret tunnel and to freedom.

"Iselia, hm?" Raine looked thoughtful. "Oh, the irony of it all..."

"Professor?" Colette tilted her head to one side. "Did you say something?"

"Yes." The elf straightened and pointed to a door on their right. "Come on, we've got to find those switches so that the others can get to Kvar."

"Oh, boy!" Colette giggled. "We get to kill more Desians!"

She held a fist in the air for a minute or so.

"Colette, dear," Raine sighed. "You don't have to pretend to be Lloyd. I'm trying to enjoy the time when he's not around, OK?"

And with that, the Professor led her brother and student over the dead Desians and out of the room.

--

Somewhere to the left, Lloyd had done a great job of killing every Desian in sight, but had failed to find a way to stop the conveyor belts.

"Can we, like, jump over them?" he asked, pointing at the belts.

"Not with those capsules there," Sheena pointed, then paled when she remembered what was in "those capsules".

Suddenly, the humans-in-a-jar stopped piling onto the conveyor. As the last one vanished into the next room, Kratos came up behind the ninja and the swordsman.

"I found a switch in the next room which deactivates the conveyor." He said emotionlessly.

"Wow, Kratos!" Lloyd grinned. "You must really want to get to Kvar if you're doing all this stuff for us!" He got a good smack in the head for that.

"OK, so can we jump over the conveyors now?"

Kratos shook his head. "We need to get up that one over there, see?" He pointed to a conveyor in the back of the room which was still moving merrily downwards. "We'll have to figure out a way to stop it from moving."

"What if we hit those large switches in the middle?" Sheena asked, pointing to said switches. "They look suspicious."

"Good plan, Sheena-chanchan!" Lloyd patted the ninja on the back before he leapt onto the conveyor and tried to flip the switches.

"Nngh..." He grunted, reaching as far as he could. "I want to hit the switch but... it's so... far... away..."

Just then, a large mechanical finger shot out of the Sorcerer's Ring and flipped the switch. It did so with every switch Lloyd passed by before it disappeared back into the convenient ring.

"What the bloody hell was that?" Sheena asked as Lloyd pulled himself off the conveyor.

"A magically convenient ring." Kratos answered shortly. He started walking up the belt which led to Kvar's room. "Shall we?"

"We shall!" Lloyd said loudly. He scurried after the mercenary, as did a less enthusiastic Sheena. Once they'd reached the top, the trio piled through a door which led to a room that was completely empty, save for a warp pad. With a squeal of delight, Lloyd jumped onto the pad.

"Alright, Kvar, here we come!" He shouted. Several seconds passed in silence.

"Lloyd?" Sheena finally said. "I don't think its working."

"I guess Raine and everyone haven't pressed all the switches yet." Lloyd crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. "Bunch of lazy assholes."

Kratos sighed and leaned against a wall, looking calm and a bit scary. Sheena plopped down on the floor and began a game of solitaire. And Lloyd stayed on the warp panel. You can never be too prepared.

--

"Professor?" Colette asked nervously.

"What?" Raine snapped. They had just found and pressed a ridiculously large switch, and were heading off in search of the next one.

"I hafta go."

"Go?" Genis asked. Colette nodded. "Go where?"

Colette shifted uncomfortably.

"Oooh." Genis nodded. "Go. Right. Gotcha."

"This is kind of a bad time, dear." Raine said. "Besides, we don't even know where a bathroom is in this place."

"Don't worry, I'll find one!" Colette gave a thumbs-up. Then, she wandered through the first door she came to. The Sage siblings had no choice but to follow.

The trio found themselves in what was obviously the kitchen. It was empty at the moment, so the group relaxed.

"Look!" Colette pointed out another door she had already opened. The elves did so, and saw that Colette was pointing to yet another door, with the telltale stick figure in a dress pasted on it.

"We'll wait here." Raine said. Colette nodded and scurried into the restroom. Raine sighed and looked at Genis, who looked at Raine, who looked at Genis, who started rummaging through the kitchen to find some cookies.

--

"Aahh." Colette sighed, stepping out of the cubicle and spreading her arms wide. "What a relief!"

She turned to the sink and started scrubbing away at her Chosen hands. Behind her, the door swung open, and a woman wearing armor and a thick helmet walked in. She nodded at Colette, who grinned, and peeled off her gloves so that she could wash her hands.

"What's your name?" Colette asked cheerfully. The woman looked up.

"Oh, I'm Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Five." She pointed to a badge on her chest which displayed that very number. "And you are-?"

"I'm Colette!" Colette grinned and gave a peace sign.

"Colette?" Two Sixty-Five tilted her head to the left. "Oh, I see. You must be in that new squadron, right?"

"Uh-huh!" Colette nodded, without having the slightest clue as to what she was agreeing too. "Soo..." the Chosen rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet. "I love your shoes! They're so cute!"

"Oh, thanks!" Two Sixty-Five giggled and gestured to Colette's feet. "But I really love yours, too. They look so comfy! Where did you get them?"

Colette smiled. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Or not.

--

Having devoured the Desians' supply of cookies, Genis found himself quite bored. He tried playing charades with his sister, but she nearly had a heart-attack when he pretended to be a rock, so he stopped. Now, he sat on a counter, swinging his feet and singing his ABC's.

Just then, the door swung open. The elves stood up to meet Colette, but instead found themselves looking down on a rather short Desian.

"Hey! What're you two doing?" he cried, nearly spitting out the cigarette that dangled dangerously off his tongue.

"We... uh..." Genis looked at his sister.

"Come on! We need that stew!"

This time Raine shifted nervously. "Um... huh?"

The Desian placed his hands on his hips. "What are you two, new? We need stew! You know what to do."

"Make... stew?"

"I know that's true. I'll be back in two. And you'd better have that stew." With that, the Desian stormed out of the room, spewing smoke and mumbling about good help and how hard it was to find.

The Sage siblings looked at each other, stunned. Finally, Raine poked her head out the door.

"Colette, dear?" she called. "Are you almost done in there?"

"You're hair is so soft!" Colette was saying inside the bathroom. "And blue! What kind of shampoo do you use?"

--

"Hey, Kratos."

"Yes?"

"Never mind."

Silence.

"Hey, Kratos."

"_Yes?_"

"Never mind."

More silence.

"Hey, Kratos."

"WHAT??"

"Never-"

_Shthunk_.

Sheena barely looked up from her game to remove the mercenary's sword from Lloyd's head and give the terrified teen a lemon gel. Kratos picked up his sword and sheathed it without a word.

--

"Colette?" Raine poked her head in the bathroom. "Colette, are you almost... Colette?"

Raine gaped at the scene laid out before her. Colette was sitting on the counter, chatting away with a freaking _Desian_.

"Oh, hi, Professor!" Colette waved. The Desian turned around.

"Oh, you must be in that new squadron too, huh?"

Raine could only nod in shock.

"Well, I guess I'd better get going." Colette dropped to the floor.

"Wait!" The Desian pulled a piece of paper and pencil from her pocket and held it out to her new friend. "Give me your address. We can be pen pals!"

"Oh," Colette waved the paper away. "Just address your letters to 'The Chosen'. They'll find me."

The Desian nodded. "And you can send letters to Number Two Hundred and Sixty-Five at the Asgard Human Ranch. They'll find me."

Colette giggled and gave her new friend a big hug before she skipped out the door to join Raine and Genis.

"So, now we just need to find the last switch," Genis said, who had not witnessed the scene in the bathroom and was thus not shocked out of his mind.

"Um, is that it over there?" Colette pointed down the hallway to a large bump in the ground. The trio scurried down to it and stepped over the 'Caution' tape to press it into the ground. There was a loud click somewhere to their left.

"Come on," Raine said, starting to run down the hallway. "We've got to catch up with Lloyd and the others."

"Yeah, but..." Colette skidded to a halt as the Professor led them to a dead end. "Does anyone remember how to get back?"

"This could prove difficult..." Genis mumbled.

--

"Hey, look!" Sheena leapt to her feet, scattering her cards everywhere. "The panel's glowing! That means it's turned on, right?"

Kratos nodded and stepped onto the pad, which Lloyd had, for some reason, climbed off of. He turned around to find the swordsman jumping around the room wildly.

"Lloyd, we know you're excited, but please stop dancing."

Lloyd shook his head and continued dancing. "No, you guys... I've gotta go!"

"What?" Sheena blinked.

"You know... I gotta piss!"

"Oh!" Sheena blushed a bit. "Well, why didn't you go before?"

"I didn't have to go before!" Lloyd screeched. Kratos buried his head in his hands.

"Just... go in a corner or something." He said, waving towards a corner on the other side of the room.

"I can't do that!" Lloyd said indignantly. "Not in front of Sheena!"

Sheena blushed a bit more.

"You peed in that potion in Palmacosta, remember? In front of Colette and Raine and pretty much everyone."

"That's different!" Lloyd looked at Sheena. "They weren't... Sheena!"

Sheena hugged herself and spun around. "I-I'll look the other way..."

"Lloyd." Kratos said loudly, stepping off the panel. "Remember, this is Kvar's ranch. Don't you want to defile it in any way possible?"

Lloyd blinked. "You-you're right!" He spun around and faced the wall, yelling loudly. "Take that, Kvar! And that! And that!"

"Oh. My. Gods." Sheena looked at Kratos, stunned. The mercenary simply looked bored. At last, Lloyd turned around, looking as determined and stupid as usual.

"OK, let's go get Kvar!" And with that, the trio climbed onto the panel and _vip_ed up to Kvar's room.


	25. Chapter 25

The Amazing Chris got my hundredth review, it seems. MUCHOS GRACIAS MR. AMAZING!! And everyone else, too! One hundred reviews? That's like… one hundred times, someone thought this story was good enough to warrant a review! –tears up-

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!! -scurries into corner to cry-

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

"I've found you, Kvar." Lloyd said in a very low and scary voice as he stepped into the high-tech room. Kratos and Sheena leapt out after him.

Kvar, who actually _was_ in the room, turned away from the computer screen with which he had been conversing. A green-haired woman who was pictured on the screen leaned over to try and see around the man's back.

"Hey!" Lloyd pointed to the woman on the computer. "That's the chick who was in that picture Magnius had. Except she wasn't wearing anything."

"WHAAAT??" the woman screamed. She started bouncing around on the screen, looking furious. "H-how did he get that?? That bastard! I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!"

"Calm down, Pronyma," Kvar told the woman, sounding bored. "He's already dead, remember?" The half-elf then turned to Lloyd and company. "So, you've come."

"Duh-oi!" Lloyd said, pulling a stupid face.

"So, this is Lloyd." Pronyma, who had apparently calmed down, said thoughtfully. "I see. He does bear a resemblance."

"Say what?" Lloyd snapped. He was ignored. Kvar turned back to the computer screen.

"Moving on... I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't change the subject, Pronyma. It's clear you've been stealing data from my Angelus Project."

Pronyma rolled her eyes. "I grow tired of your accusations, Kvar. As I have told you, I know nothing of it."

"Pfft. Stubborn woman. Still, I guess I should expect no less from the one who usurped the leadership of the Five Grand Cardinals." He crossed his arms and pulled an evil grin. "Take heed, Pronyma. Once I've retrieved the exspere from this inferior being, _I _will become the leader of the Five Grand Cardinals. When that happens, you'll be _begging_ for my forgivness."

"Hey, does anyone understand what they're saying?" Lloyd asked, turning to his posse. Sheena's face was screwed up in thought, but she shook her head. Kratos looked like he was going to be sick.

"_You _speak nonsense, Kvar," Pronyma continued, oblivious to the three humans standing in the room. "I've also heard that Rodyle's talked you into joining him in one of his schemes."

Kvar didn't say anything.

"Don't believe you can decieve Lord Yggdrassil for long. He's not that stupid." She tapped her head before the computer screen went blank.

Kvar turned back to Lloyd and his lackeys, tapping his chin and looking thoughtful. "Hm, so the Mana Canon is no longer a secret. Well," he clapped his hands together and looked right at Lloyd. "It doesn't matter. Once I get that exsphere, all suspicions about me will be but a distant memory."

Lloyd held his exsphere'd hand to his chest. "You are _not_ gonna take this from me!"

"Pfft." Kvar chuckled evilly. He held out his hand, in which a long staff appeared in a magical sort of poof. "Just try and stop me."

And then he attacked.

Now, Lloyd had (unintentionally) chosen the strongest fighters in the group to be in his posse, as we have seen from Raine and Co.'s lack of fighting skills. This would've been great had they been fighting another buff Desian like Magnius. As it was, what Kvar lacked in strength and good looks he made up for in crazy magic skills, zapping the trio with several hundred volts of electricity in such quick succession that it left Lloyd dazed and upside-down-rightside-up, running in circles and swinging at thin air.

Sheena seemed to have some sort of fear of lightning, seeing as she gave a high-pitched shriek every time a bolt struck the ground. This made it very difficult to give Kvar any sort of paper cut at all.

Kratos, who had been so keen on fighting Kvar, ended up being too busy with First Aid spells to even attempt to attack the Desian.

And Lloyd, as we remember, was running around in circles and screaming loudly, failing to hit anything at all. However, in one large sort of loop-de-loop, Lloyd found himself standing directly behind Kvar. Before the half-elf even had a chance to turn around, Lloyd had swung his swords in a sort of X at Kvar's unprotected back.

The short hesitation in lightning was just long enough for Kratos and Sheena to rush over and start attacking as well. They stood there, hacking and stabbing and swinging and paper cutting, for a good minute or so. At last, when they paused for a breath, Kvar had been reduced to a bloody pile of half-elf on the floor.

"Phew..." Lloyd sighed, wiping a slightly charred hand against his forehead. "For a minute there, I thought we were done for."

"You weren't much help, swinging around at everything that wasn't Kvar." Kratos gave Lloyd an angry sort of glare, but somehow he managed to look happy at the same time. Much happier than Lloyd had ever, e_ver _seen Kratos look. Which was pretty sad, really.

"Ha, Kratos!" Lloyd laughed and pointed at the mercenary. "You're smiling!"

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are!" Sheena giggled as well. "Look! You're still doing it."

Kratos turned away and crossed his arms. He looked down at Kvar, who twitched slightly, and - much to his dismay - his smile widened. Suddenly, he started laughing.

"Ha! How's that floor taste, bastard? Regret messing with me yet? You'll have to remember that when you're BURNING IN FUCKING HELL." Still laughing loudly, Kratos kicked the Desian in his bloody head.

"Ow." Kvar said.

There was a moment of silence, in which the only sounds heard were Kratos' loud breathing and the sound of Kvar bleeding all over the floor. Finally:

"That... was the scariest thing I've ever seen." Kratos turned around to find not only Sheena and Lloyd, but the rest of his friends as well, huddled against the other wall and looking terrified.

"Kratos happy is even scarier than Kratos scary." Genis agreed.

Kratos coughed and turned away again. "Better... better find that self-destruct button, then, huh?" He said loudly.

The group nodded slowly and started searching the room, still huddled in a bunch as if afraid Kratos would attack at any second. After several tense minutes, Genis gave a cry of discovery and pointed to the large blue button, labeled "SELF-DESTRUCT" in large letters.

"Good job, Ge-Lloyd! Look behind yooou!" Sheena screamed and pointed to Kvar, who had somehow managed to get to his feet and raise his staff over his head. Before he could bring it down on Lloyd's big head, however, Colette jumped in front of her friend, taking the blow and earning a large purple bruise on her forehead.

"That... di'n hur' so much..." she mumbled, tumbling backwards into Lloyd's arms. Lloyd gave a cry like a wounded rhinoceros.

"YOU BASTARD!" He screamed. "I'm gonna kill you!!" With that, the teen dropped Colette to the floor and thrust his sword into Kvar's belly. Suddenly, Kratos was beside him. He threw his sword in directly above Lloyd's.

"Grhk," Was all Kvar could say after getting stabbed in the stomach twice. Then: "Kratos, you pathetic, inferior being!"

As Lloyd pulled his sword out, Kratos swung his to the left.

"Feel the pain -" He growled as Kvar's body was nearly torn in half. He swung again. "-of those inferior beings-" Kvar's head hit the ground with a dull thump, quickly followed by the rest of his body. Kratos sheathed his sword and crossed his arms. "-as you burn in hell."

"Uh, and, uh..." Lloyd desperately tried to get in the last word. "And don't come back!"

All he got was a skeptical sort of look from Genis. Oh well, it was worth a shot.

"Colette!" Raine cried, scooping up the Chosen. Colette blinked.

"I'm alright, Professor. Really." Apparently she didn't notice that her head was already swollen about as big as a melon.

"Like hell you are!" Sheena shouted. "Raine, you can use healing arts, right? Why don't you heal her??"

Just then, Lloyd stepped between the girls. "Colette," he began. "I can't keep it a secret any longer." He stood up straight and raised his voice so that the whole room could hear. "Everybody, listen up. Colette is... a virgin!!"

Dull stares.

"Also," Lloyd continued, holding his forefinger in the air. "She can't feel anything, or eat or sleep, or even cry, despite what the author writes!"

Gasps all around.

"Are you fo' rizzle?" Sheena asked, horrified.

"Colette, is he serious??" Raine turned to the Chosen, who looked angrier than anyone had ever seen her. Which wasn't very angry. Think angry puppy, or angry Care Bear.

"Lloyd." she sighed. "It's no wonder no one's trusted you with a secret since the first grade."

"Second." Lloyd corrected.

"But, it's OK. I'm fine, so... so don't worry about it."

"But that's not fair!" Sheena shouted. "You can't enjoy the foods you like, or feel the warmth of someone hugging you... that's just too cruel. You should give up this crazy world regeneration right now!"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Genis asked slyly. He was "shut up"'d and smacked.

Just then, Colette passed out. Everyone decided that it would be best to take her somewhere to rest. Why they decided on Asgard, which was at least half a day's walk away, I do not know. Still, they slammed the self-destruct button on before they scooped up Colette and ran out of the ranch.

Seconds after they left, the screen on which Kvar had been conversing with Pronyma flickered to life. This time, however, a somewhat familiar purple-haired half-elf appeared. His eyes fell on the bloody mass that had once been Kvar and chuckled.

"Oh, my, Lord Kvar. Where is your head?" Rodyle giggled and adjusted his red glasses. He turned to Kvar's head, which lay a few feet away from his body. "Ah, there you are. Well, I came to thank you for you generosity to my Mana Canon, but I guess you can't hear me anymore, can you?" More high-pitched laughter. "Then, I suppose you won't mind me taking your research data from your Angelus Project, hm?"

On the other side of the screen, Rodyle flipped a few switches and hit a few keys. While he waited for the extensive research notes to download, he pulled a squinty-eyed face.

"Ooh, look at me. I'm Lord Kvar, and I slick my hair back because it makes me look better than you."

Just then, a Desian walked in, clipboard in hand. He stared at Rodyle, then Kvar, then back to Rodyle.

"Uh, um..." Rodyle blinked. "Th-the ranch is gonna blow!"

And, with a small _plip_, the computer screen went blank.

--

The next morning, Lloyd and company were having a very serious conversation about Colette's health in their inn room in Asgard.

"I'm being completely serious." Lloyd said seriously. "Colette has a serious problem."

"Seriously?" Sheena asked, more because she wanted to say serious again than because she was actually questioning Lloyd.

"I agree. This is so totally unfair!" Genis looked angry. "I'd say she should stop the world regeneration, if it didn't mean dooming the entire world to utter destruction."

"There must be some kind of cure, or something." Lloyd looked thoughtful. "Like, the cure for that Pietro guy. Maybe it'll work on Colette, too."

"Lloyd..." From underneath a mountain of blankets, Colette's voice sounded muffled and far away. She thrust her head up so that she could speak and breathe properly. "Please don't worry about it. If this is what I have to do to save Sylvarant, then it's OK with me."

"But, it's so uncool." Sheena said, sounding grumpy. "You shouldn't have to suffer for everyone. It's not cool."

"Sorry, Sheena," Colette said as she climbed out of bed and stood up. "But you're not gonna talk me out of regenerating the world."

The ninja shrugged. "It was worth a try."

"Besides," Colette continued. "I'm sure this is what Father wants..."

"Which one?" Lloyd asked curiously. Colette blinked.

"Um, well... both of them, I guess." she giggled. "I have more Daddy's than anyone here!"

The group gave a collective sigh.

"Well, seeing as the Chosen is feeling better, shall we get going?" Kratos asked, grumpy and quiet as ever. Everyone agreed, and about an hour later they had packed up and set off.

As they walked, Lloyd took to examining his exsphere. He scratched at the surface as he had done so many times before, until he remembered that this was his mom's life.

"Well, Mom," he told the exsphere. "You've been avenged. I dunno about you, but I'm feeling a helluva lot better!"

"Lloyd," The teen jumped about a foot in the air when Kratos walked up from behind him.

"Wha-whu-huh...? Oh, Kratos. Man, you're pretty scary. Have you ever considered plastic surgery?"

Kratos ignored him. "Lloyd, the one who killed your mother wasn't Kvar, remember? It was..." He coughed a bit and blushed. "-your father."

Lloyd frowned. "Oh, yeah. But... it wasn't really his fault, right? 'Cause Kvar was the one who caused the situation which forced Dad to kill Mom. So, it's not like I have to kill my dad or anything, right?"

Kratos looked nervous. "Yes, but... but what if your father was actually one of the leaders of the Desians, and when he betrayed them they tried to find him and bring him back, and then he met your mother and they were on the run together, and then Kvar found them?" He paused to catch his breath. "Wouldn't it, indirectly, be your father's fault?"

Lloyd stared for a good minute. "Kratos, you think too much."

Kratos didn't say anything. It took Lloyd several moments before he realized that Kratos was still expecting an answer.

"Um, well, if that _was_ what happened, I guess my dad didn't _try _to get caught, so it's still Kvar's fault. I think." Lloyd now looked thoroughly confused. Kratos sighed and actually managed a sort of smile.

"Yes, you're right. Forgive me, it was a silly question."

"Silly?" Lloyd laughed. "More like, the stupidest most random question I've ever heard in my life. But, it's OK."

They walked in silence for several minutes.

"Y'know what?" Lloyd finally said. "This whole 'bonding' thing can't really compare to me throwing stuff at you."

"Meaning...?"

"Meaning, I'm gonna start being mean to you again."

Kratos sighed. "OK, fine. Whatever."

Just then, Colette's voice broke through their conversation from ahead.

"Ooooh, look at that pretty lake!" She turned to the Professor. "Professor Sage! Can we go there please? We could have a picnic or go swimming or pick flowers or-"

"Well..." Raine looked at Kratos. "What do you think, Kratos?"

The mercenary crossed his arms. "I think we should hurry on to the next seal. We don't have time for these meaningless detours."

Raine turned to the Chosen. "Well, Colette, Kratos says we shouldn't go."

Colette frowned.

"So, I say; let's go."

"Hooray!!" Cheered Colette, along with Lloyd, Genis, and Sheena. Kratos gave a very annoyed growl and refused to speak for the rest of the walk to the lake.


	26. Chapter 26

My sister helped me with the beginning of this chapter. I dunno if you guys can tell, but I figured I should point that out. –heartheart-

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

When they reached Llake Umacy, everyone was smiling except for Kratos, whose face look something like this: D8

"Oh wow!" Colette said jumping up and down, "Lookie lookie! The lake is so pretty!"

"Yeah, I guess," Lloyd shrugged. "But what's up with that funky fish?" He pointed to some odd creature at the bottom of the lake.

"Lloyd, that's a turkey, not a fish," Sheena said, leaning over the water to get a better look.

"No, you idiots! That's a unicorn!" Raine snapped, going into ruin-mode - that is, unicorn-mode.

"Ooooh, unicorn. Of course." Lloyd blinked. "Hey, Professer? Whats a unicorn?"

"_That's_ a unicorn!" Genis said, pointing in the water.

"Um, why is it underwater?" Colette asked.

"Unicorns live underwater, silly," Sheena said with a wave of her hand.

"No... actually, they don't." Genis gave Sheena a glare he usually reserved for Lloyd.

"I would assume it is trapped under those logs," Kratos pointed to the unicorn that was indeed trapped under many logs.

"Ohmigoddess, I have to get a DNA sample! Or maybe a brain sample! Yes yes... perfect," Raine started stroking her hand in an evil sort of way.

"Well, can we go down and let it out?" Lloyd asked.

"Can you hold your breath that long?" Genis asked dryly. "Actually... can you even swim?"

"We've got to do something!" Colette cried, clasping her hands together in a saintly manner. They all racked their brains for a solution.

"I've got it!" Sheena snapped her fingers. "We can summon Undine, the Summon Spirit of Water!"

"Great idea, Sheena!" Genis cried, perhaps with a drop of sarcasim. "There's only one problem; none of us are summoners!"

Lloyd, who was sick and tired of Genis being a smartass, punched the elf in the face.

"The art of summoning was lost to this world long ago," Professor Sage said sagely.

"I... uh, well..." Sheena twisted her fingers together nervously. "I haven't made the pact yet, but..."

"You're a summoner??" Lloyd gasped.

"I'm a guardian user!" Sheena snapped, as if Lloyd had somehow offended her. As an afterthought, she added; "But I can summon, too."

"Then... that would make you a summoner." Genis commented. This time, Sheena punched him.

"So we've just got to go make the pact with Undine, and we can save the unicorn!" Colette clapped her hands.

"Oh, Sheena-chanchan!" Lloyd cried, throwing his arms around the ninja. "You're magic tricks may be lame, but you still rock!"

Sheena blushed. "I-I... um, didn't I tell you to stop calling me that?"

"OK, to Thoda Geyser!" Genis proclaimed, pointing in the general direction from where they had come. With a loud cheer, the rest of the children followed. Raine and Kratos stayed behind, frowning. Kratos was sad because now they were taking an even bigger detour from the world regeneration journey. Raine was sad because she'd wanted to have a picnic.

--

They'd been walking for a few hours (and had just climbed over Hakonosea Peak) when the group realized that it would take at least a day to reach Thoda Island.

"Who's idea was it to walk all the way to Thoda Island??" Lloyd snapped, spinning around to face his posse.

"That would be..." Genis began.

"You did, Lloyd," Colette finished, looking a tad bit confused.

Lloyd blinked. Raine, looking disgusted, shoved him aside and took the lead.

"Come on, we're already on our way. We'd better keep going."

So, they found a man on a dragon and, when he refused to lend them his steed, gave him a serious paper cut and flew away on the winged monster. They reached the Island in about three minutes. As soon as they'd clamored off the exhausted dragon, it spread its wings and flew away as quickly as it could.

"Be free, my dragon friend!" Colette cried, spreading her arms out. Lloyd wiped a tear from his eye.

Then, they turned around to face the geyser, which chose that moment to erupt.

"Ah, this brings back so many memories," Lloyd said dreamily. His dreamy expression turned sour when he remembered that none of these memories were exactly pleasant. Resisting the urge to curl up into a ball on the ground, Lloyd led the way across the shiny bridge (which, for some reason, was still there) and into the cave. Just before he disappeared into the wet and yucky darkness, Lloyd turned back to his beloved doggy.

"Noishe! Hey, Noise, guard this bridge with your-"

Noishe gave a freakish howl of terror and ran to hide behind the first tourists he could find. Lloyd shrugged and walked into the cave.

The group walked through the damp and sticky darkness in silence, save for the _tapsplash_ of their feet and Colette, who giggled when she saw a pair of starfish try to kill each other. A few minutes later, they had sloshed their way to the room where the Summon Spirit lurked. It looked pretty much exactly the same as it had when they'd left it.

"Soo..." Lloyd tapped his red toe impatiently. "What now?"

"I wanna see the pact!" Colette giggled.

"Pa-act! Pa-act!" Genis chanted.

"I must admit," Raine admitted. "I'm curious as well."

Sheena looked flustered. "D-don't get your hopes up! I m-might fail, you know!"

"No, you won't." Lloyd said confidently.

"I could!" Sheena snapped.

"No." Lloyd repeated.

"Gah! Fine!" The ninja turned to face the alter on which Remiel, on their previous visit, had appeared. She took up a very official pose (which looked pretty much like her usual pose).

Apparently, the pose had some spiritual meaning, because in a sparkley explosion the Summon Spirit of Water appeared. She looked like a normal, ridiculously busty woman, if ridiculously busty woman were normally blue and had no feet. The Spirit looked down on them all.

"Who are you?" she said in a dribbly, wet sort of voice. "I'm awake, OK? What do you want now?"

"Uh... uhm," Sheena blinked. "I-I am Sheena! I seek a pact with Undine!"

Undine crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "As things stand now, I cannot. I am already bound by a pact with Mithos."

"Mithosthehero??" Lloyd spazzed.

Raine shrugged. "Mithos is a common boys' name. It doesn't necessarily mean that this is **the** Mithos the hero."

"Mithos the _hero_?" Undine snorted.

"What's so funny?" Lloyd snapped. He was ignored.

"I cannot form two pacts at the same time. Trust me, I tried once. It doesn't work." The Summon Spirit made a gruesome gesture with her hands. Sheena paled.

"Well, what do I do now??" she cried, turning to her posse. "They never said anything about this at the Research Academy!"

"Um..." Lloyd stroked his chin in thought. "Well, can't you just ask Undine to get rid of the old pact?"

"How?" Sheena asked, annoyed. "We don't even know where this Mithos guy is."

"Summon Spirits make pacts based on a vow that the summoner makes with them," Kratos said, bored. "As long as the summoner keeps to their vow, the pact remains valid."

"I _know_ that!" Sheena snapped.

"Good." Kratos crossed his arms and glared down at the summoner. "So all you need to do is request the annulment of the old pact. The old summoner may have broken his vow, or... he may have kicked the bucket."

Lloyd nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's what I said!"

"I guess I'll try it," Sheena shrugged. She turned around to do just that. "Hey, Undine -"

"Kratos! Kratos Aurion, is that you?" Undine suddenly leaned to the side to see around Sheena's head, which spun around to stare in the mercenary's direction. "Oh, man, it's been _ages_. How's your girlfriend?"

Kratos determinedly looked in the other direction.

"Kratos, do you... know her?" Lloyd asked slowly.

"No, I **don't**." Kratos said harshly. He glared at the Summon Spirit, who backed off.

"Oh, sorry. Must've confused you with another Kratos." Undine smiled and quickly started fussing over her nails.

"Um..." Sheena looked up at the Summon Spirit again. "Uh, Undine, I ask that thou anulst thy pact with Mithos and establish a new pact. With... me."

Undine shrugged. "OK. But first I must judge your worth. Ready your weapons."

"What? We have to-" Lloyd began, but broke off in order to duck under an extremely wet sword which flew just over his head.

Kratos appeared from nowhere and stabbed at the Summon Spirit, who gave a small sort of "Oh!". She then spun around and stabbed him right back. Sheena leapt up from behind and started hacking and slicing and paper cutting, as did Lloyd (minus the paper).

Undine started using water spells, causing Raine to have a panic attack. She curled up in a corner, once again putting Kratos in charge of healing. He did so while Lloyd and Sheena did what they did best; swinging away wildly in Undine's general direction.

At last, with one final Lightning spell from Genis, Undine fell with a tremendous splash. Raine screamed. Everyone else cheered.

"Very well," Undine said, magically healed and back atop her stage. She began fixing her purple hair, and after a minute said idly: "Well, state your vow."

"Um..." Sheena straightened. "Well, right now, at this very moment, people are suffering. I vow to help those people."

Undine blinked. "Really? Ha. OK then." She giggled a bit.

"What?"

"Well, the last summoner I made a pact with promised to take a bath everyday for the rest of his life." Undine shrugged. "Your vow is a bit more... well, Miss Sylvarant-ish." The Summon Spirit pulled an exagerated pose. "I want to stop world hunger! Save the children!" She giggled and vanished in an explosion of blue sparkles. The lights glimmered and shone for a moment before burying themselves in Sheena's head.

"Ho'shit!" She gasped, scratching at her forehead. "I forgot about that."

"Woo, Sheena!" Lloyd cried, throwing a fist in the air. "You rock!"

"That was amazing, Sheena-chanchan!" Colette agreed. She skipped up to give her friend a big hug. Sheena blushed.

"Ah, no, you guys..." She stuttered. "It wasn't really... anything at all..."

"Alright!" Genis shouted. "Let's go save that Unicorn!"

The children all screamed in excitement, parading loudly out of the room. Raine and Kratos, the two sane ones, exchanged annoyed looks.

"You know, Kratos," Raine said slowly. "You sure know a lot about Summon Spirits."

"A client of mine a while back knew some things about summoning." Kratos said emotionlessly. "He told me about it."

"Hm." said Raine. "Suspicious..." She didn't say any more, however; she daintily stepped onto the shimmering warp panel and vanished. Kratos was about to follow her when he froze and turned around.

"She wasn't my girlfriend," Kratos told the empty room. "She was my best friend's fiancée."

A watery sort of giggle came from deeper inside the room. Kratos sighed and followed his idiots out of the cave.

--

The next day (after hitching rides off all manner of sea and land creatures) the group found themselves right back where they had started; at Lake Umacy.

"This lake is so pretty!" Colette sighed dreamily. She skipped up to the edge of the water and peered into its crystal blue depths. She could easily see the unicorn exactly where they'd left it; slowly being crushed to death by several trees.

"Alright!" Lloyd shouted. "Let's go see it!" Without waiting for an answer, he jumped into the lake fully clothed. His head popped up a few seconds later, spewing water like a whale.

"Well? C'mon, you guys! Let's go!"

Raine sighed and walked as close to the water's edge as she dared, which wasn't all that close. "Lloyd," she explained dully. "A unicorn can only be approached by a pure maiden."

"Maiden?" Lloyd repeated, looking confused.

"Meaning," Kratos said. "That Lloyd, Genis, and I are out."

"Oh, OK," Lloyd said in a small voice. He slowly pulled himself out of the water, looking disappointed. He shook himself dry like a dog, drenching pretty much everyone else. "So, Raine and Colette and Sheena will-"

"I can't go," Raine said quietly.

"Why not?" Genis asked a bit too loudly.

"It's because... ah-" the Professor twiddled her thumbs and rocked back and forth and finally said; "It's because I'm an... adult."

"Seriously?" Lloyd blinked. "You can't go see the unicorn once you're over... OH!" He suddenly chuckled in understanding. "I get it. By 'pure maiden' you mean virgin, which the Professor is no-"

Raine socked him.

"OK, then," Genis said, sidestepping Lloyd who had nearly fallen on top of him. "Colette will just have to go by herself, then."

"What??" Sheena jumped in front of him angrily. "Are you saying I'm not qualified??"

There was a moment of silence.

"Yeah, basically." Lloyd said.

"Yup." Genis nodded.

"I mean, come on," Lloyd gestured towards Sheena's exceptionally large chest. "They're the size of cantaloupes! You expect us to believe that you're still-"

"I AM qualified and I AM going to see the unicorn!" Sheena snapped. With that, she stomped down to the edge of the water. She pulled her official pose again and said; "I call upon the maiden of the mist. I summon thee! Come, Undine!"

"Ha!" Lloyd laughed. "That was so cor-"

Suddenly, with a great explosion of water (which got the almost-dry party soaked again) Undine appeared. She crossed her arms and jutted a hip to the side.

"What?" she asked dully.

"Can you take us to the unicorn?" Sheena asked.

"Alright," the Summon Spirit shrugged. She stepped backwards onto the surface of the water, and with a small _ding_, she vanished beneath it. Sheena tentatively stepped onto the water; it shivered like Jell-o, but she didn't sink.

"Come on, Colette!" she called excitedly. The Chosen scurried after her, tripped over her own feet, and bounced several feet out onto the surface of the lake. The girls, giggling, hurried off towards the unicorn.

"Well," Kratos coughed. "That was the second most awkward conversation I've ever been forced to sit through."

Lloyd laughed. "So, Professor? Was it that archeology kid from Asgard? I knew you two were-"

It's funny how Lloyd never learns to keep his big mouth shut. Raine kicked him in the gut, putting the teen out of the game for a while.

Out on the lake, Sheena and Colette watched in amazement as Undine appeared under the water and magically lifted the several tons of wood off the unicorn. The creature shivered in delight before it swam up to the surface. The girls ran up to it.

"Hi!" Colette said breathlessly. The unicorn stared.

"Martel?" It said at last, in a shifty, magical sort of font. "Martel, is that you?"

"Martel? Like, the Goddess??" Sheena gasped.

"Eh?" Colette pointed to herself, confused. "N-no, I'm Colette, and this is-"

"Sheena," the ninja stated proudly.

The unicorn shook its big horned head. "No, you're wrong. Even in my blindness, I'd recognize Martel anywhere. Your mana signature… and your... sickness."

"You know that Colette is sick??" Sheena gasped, amazed.

"Duh. I exist to cure Martel's sickness."

"Oh, but, wait!" Colette waved her hand in the air. "I don't want you to cure me, see. I want to use it to help other people, because I've got to finish the World Regeneration first."

"World Regeneration?" The unicorn sighed. "Oh, I see how it is. You're not Martel; you're the Chosen of Mana."

"Um, if I say yes, will you still help us?"

The unicorn blew a big wet raspberry, which was a very un-unicorn-ish thing to do. Then, in a bright flash of light, it plucked off its horn and placed it in Colette's hands.

"What-?"

"That horn can be used to increase healing arts like nobody's business," the unicorn explained. Suddenly, it started fading away.

"What the hell?" Sheena cried. "You're see-through!"

"Yes, I am," the unicorn said with a roll of his eyes. "Our horns are our lives, and when we give 'em up, we die."

"Wha-wait!" Colette fumbled with the horn in her hands. She jumped up and tried to stick it back onto the unicorn's forehead, but the creature vanished as quietly as it had appeared, which wasn't actually all that quiet at all. Colette fell to the Jell-o'd ground in defeat.

Sheena stared at the place where the magical horse had sat not to long ago. She continued staring, until she realized that Colette's head was stuck beneath the Jell-o and she rushed to the rescue.

Back on the shore, the boys and Raine watched in vague amusement as the girls scrambled about in an attempt to get back to the shore.

"Why's Colette's head all wet?" Lloyd asked, a bit out of breath.

"Sheena..." Genis hesitated as the ninja stepped onto solid ground. With a shimmer, the Jell-o behind her turned back into normal water, which Colette tumbled into as she had yet to reach the shore. Genis continued as if he hadn't noticed. "Are you crying, Sheena?"

"N-no!" Sheena turned away and hugged herself, making it quite obvious that she _was _crying. She turned around again, face red and wet with tears. "The unicorn gave us its horn..."

"Oh, so it's dead." Kratos said with a nod.

"Y-you knew??" Sheena glared at Kratos. "And you didn't say anything??"

"A unicorn's life ends when it loses its horn," Raine said, sounding like she was reciting a textbook. "But whenever one dies, another is born to take its place. That's why the unicorn is the symbol of death and rebirth."

"Here's the horn, Professor," Colette gasped as she clamored out of the lake. She spat up several mouthfuls of water before she held up the horn to the elf.

"Oooh!" Raine giggled like a little girl as she scooped up the horn. She held it closely for a second, her eyes closed, and suddenly it exploded into a collection of gold sparkles, which flew straight into the elf's chest.

"Mm," she said, rubbing her tummy cheerfully. "I've learned some new healing techniques."

"Like?" Lloyd asked.

"Like, reviving the dead. Or insane. Or monster-fied."

"Fuck!" Lloyd gasped and clapped his hands. "That's awesome!"

"Then, will you cure Colette now?" Genis asked.

"No, wait," Colette clasped her hands together with a sort of squish. "I mean... let's save Clara and that crazy guy from Hima first, OK?"

Raine sighed. "Fine. Whatever. We'll keep an eye out for the two of them. But..."

"We need to release the seals as soon as possible." Kratos interrupted quickly. He continued to speak rather loudly. "The World Regeneration comes first, no matter what."

Raine nodded. Lloyd sighed.

"OK, fine," he said, as if his opinion mattered at all. "Where do we have to go next?"

"To the place that looks upon the end," Genis repeated the book from Hakonesia Peak. "That's the Tower of Mana, right?"

"Hm..." Raine stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Normally, I'd say we should ask the priests in Luin to open it for us, but I don't think that's really an option right now. We'll just have to go, and maybe we'll luck out in that they left it unlocked or something."

The group nodded and headed away from the lake. Colette turned back one last time and could have sworn she felt a tear trace its way down her cheek. But she knew it couldn't be, because she could no longer cry, and the author was finally realizing that.


	27. Chapter 27

Sorry, guys, it's been a while since I updated, hasn't it? Sorry; it's summer and, to be perfectly honest, I completely forgot about my obligations to fanfiction. XD

By the way, does trying to figure out how old the Tower of Mana is make me a loser?

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

The Tower of Mana was on the other side of Luin from where the group now stood, so the soggy friends had to pass through the spooky, destroyed town on their way to the next seal. As it worked out, they arrived at the equally soggy town just as the sun was beginning to set.

"Should we set up camp here...?" Raine asked uncertainly. Kratos nodded.

"We might as well. It's not like we'll find any place better."

"Oh, cool!" Lloyd shouted. "So we'll get to sleep inside, right?"

Six pairs of eyes trailed over the broken remains of the city. Not a single building was standing, although there were a few walls still somewhat upright, and craters combined with piles of rock created small sort of caves.

"Well..." Raine finally said. "If you can find someplace that's still standing then yes, you can sleep inside."

Lloyd cheered and ran off in search of a room to sleep in, followed eagerly by Sheena and Colette.

--

"I don't get it," Lloyd whined, several hours later, from his seat upon a half-crushed bed he'd found. He tore his gaze from the clear night sky he could see through the large hole in the ceiling to look over at his roommate. "How did I get stuck sharing a room with _you _again?"

Kratos rolled over and glared back from his scorched couch. "Just shut up. I'm trying to sleep here."

Lloyd growled and turned away, grumbling to himself quietly. Soon, Kratos' quiet snore filled the room, but Lloyd couldn't quite fall asleep. He watched the shapes in clouds, counted the bats that flew overhead, and listened to the wash of the fountain outside his room splash onto the road and into the miniature pond it had formed there.

At long last, just as sleep was finally starting to worm its way into Lloyd's big head, Kratos gave a loud sort of snort that caught the teen's attention immediately. Lloyd rolled over and watched in amusement as Kratos gasped and whimpered his way through some sort of nightmare. He soon started talking, and Lloyd hung onto every word to use as future blackmail. His excitement turned to horror, however, when he heard what Kratos was saying.

"Mmf... Lloyd..." He mumbled into his pillow. He reached out a hand and Lloyd instinctively backed away. "Lloyd... oh, Lloyd!" Kratos moaned more urgently. "Lloyd... I... love... you..."

Lloyd didn't wait to hear any more. He grabbed his pillow and skeddadled his ass out of there quicker than a bare-foot jackrabbit on... I mean, he got out of there really quick.

Sitting outside in only his pajamas, clutching his pillow, Lloyd tried to find a logical explanation for Kratos' sleep talking.

The way he saw it, there were two possibilities: either Kratos was totally gay and was having creepy, dirty dreams about Lloyd, or he was, like, his long-lost father. Seeing as how the latter was physically, legally, and morally wrong, Lloyd had no choice but to go with the former.

Needless to say, Lloyd slept as far away from Kratos as possible that night, as well as for the remainder of the journey.

--

The next morning - during which Kratos and Lloyd blushed whenever they saw the other, which led the rest of the group to think very naughty thoughts - the friends left Luin, headed for the Tower of Mana. It wasn't hard to spot, as it was a ridiculously large tower (though not large enough to earn a paragraph of "really"s, as the Tower of Salvation did). Still, it wasn't until lunchtime when they finally reached the entrance to the building.

"Man, that thing's huge!" Lloyd crowed, holding a gloved hand against his forehead to block out the sun as he stared up at the tall building. Genis looked up too. As he looked higher and higher up, he leaned further and further back, until...

"Owch!" With a thud, Genis tumbled over backwards and down the stairs, where he landed in a heap in the dirt.

"Are you guys sure this is a Seal?" Colette asked, ignoring Genis, who was now screaming about his stair-falling-down-induced boo-boos. "I don't see an Oracle Stone anywhere..."

"You're right," Kratos agreed, looking around vaguely.

"Oh well, too bad." Sheena said, not sounding the least bit disappointed. "I guess we'll just have to give up this whole World Regeneration thing, after all."

"Maybe it's inside?" Lloyd suggested. He led the way to the doorway, but found - to his distress - the door was locked up tight.

"Huh." He said, taking a step backwards. "It's locked.

Raine gave a shriek of horror.

"NOOOOO! This is horrible! There must be all kinds of ancient artifacts in this equally ancient building, but they're so... far... away...!" The elf gave a small moan of grief and toppled against the locked door.

"What is _with _her?" Sheena asked, being the only one who looked the slightest bit surprised at Raine's behavior. Lloyd simply shook his head.

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Colette asked sadly. "What if this _is_ the next Seal, and there's nothing we can do about it?" She gave a small wail of defeat and fell to her knees. Lloyd scoffed.

"C'mon, you guys, we can figure this out!" He grinned and pulled a heroic pose. Colette applauded. Sheena groaned.

"So, what are we supposed to do, smartass?" She snapped, crossing her arms. "It's not like there's a secret back entrance or something."

"No..." Lloyd said slowly. "But there is... that."

By leaning back as Genis had done (but not quite as far), Lloyd could see a window several feet above their heads. He pointed a red finger towards it, and the rest of his posse followed his gaze.

"Yeah! That might work!" Colette giggled. "You're so smart, Lloyd!"

"How're we going to get up there?" Sheena challenged, apparently bent on keeping the group out of the tower.

"Hm... we'll need to throw someone through the window," Lloyd declared loudly. "Now, we just need someone small, and light..."

"And aerodynamic," Colette added helpfully.

"And brave," Sheena pointed out.

"Where are we supposed to find someone like that?" Genis snapped, brushing dirt off his shoulders.

As he came to stand behind his friends, the three children slowly turned to face him, each with identical evil grins on their faces. Genis realized a second too late what was going on.

--

"NO! LEMME GO! LEMME GO, DAMMIT!"

"Hold still, Genis," Lloyd said, still grinning a disturbing grin. He readjusted his grip on Genis' left arm. "Ready, guys?"

Sheena, who had Genis by his other arm, and Colette, who was gripping his feet eagerly, nodded.

"And a-one and a-two and a-" Lloyd swung Genis back, and with a loud _HYA!_ (from Sheena) tossed the screaming elf into the air. "THREE!"

"I HATE YOU LLO-" _CRASH!_

Genis disappeared from sight as he broke through the window using his large elven forehead. Lloyd and company waited in tense silence.

"You know," Kratos finally spoke, looking through the window with mild curiosity. "You could've killed him."

Raine frowned.

"Nah, don't worry." Lloyd waved a hand calmly. "Genis' got a thick skull. He'll be fine."

Just then, the large door opened with a loud _creeeeak_. Genis poked his white head out. There was a large shard of glass implanted in his nose, but aside from that he appeared to be fine.

"Thanks, Genis!" Lloyd said, starting past the elf into the building.

"Hey, Lloyd?" Sheena called suddenly. "I've just thought of something."

"Whassup, babe?" Lloyd asked, turning around and leaning against the door, looking like the coolest man alive. Or so he thought.

Sheena blushed a bit. "Don't call me babe. I just thought, couldn't Colette have flown through the window, instead?"

Lloyd frowned. Colette giggled. "Oh, that's right! I can fly!" To emphasize her point, she pulled out her sparkly pink wings and fluttered them around a bit.

Lloyd looked at Genis, who glared back.

"Ehh..." Lloyd grinned nervously before he scurried into the building. Genis was just about to charge after him and see how _he_ liked having glass shoved up his nose, when there came a loud scream from inside the building. The rest of the group stormed past the elf, leaving him disgruntled and a bit annoyed.

"What's the matter, Lloyd?" Sheena cried, whipping out a deck of cards and looking around the room quickly. It was a rather large room, with an elegantly decorated floor, several panels and pedestals ahead, and on every wall there were lined hundreds and hundreds of...

"BOOKS!" Lloyd screamed again, falling to his knees. "Books, everywhere! It's like school's come back to haunt meeeeee...!" He let his voice trail off, collapsing against the the cold stone floor.

"What a pansy." Genis scoffed. Kratos nodded in agreement, looking a bit embarrassed for some reason.

"Oh, dear Goddess Martel!" Raine gasped, also falling to her knees. "What have I done to deserve such an honor? Oooh..." She shivered in delight, and then ran up to the nearest wall and started thumbing through the tomes collected there.

The remaining group members looked at each other, annoyed.

"Hey, look!" Colette cried, breaking through Lloyd's sobs of terror and Raine's sobs of joy. "Is that an Oracle Stone?"

Everyone hurried to look.

"It sure is!" Raine said happily, hefting several books over her shoulder to get a closer look. She glared at Colette.

"Well?"

"Um, well, Professor... y'see..." Colette mumbled.

"What? WHAT??"

The Chosen wimpered. "It's-it's just that, every time we find an Oracle Stone, my ha-"

Just then, Colette's hand exploded. Everyone stared dumbly, until Raine finally dropped her books in order to show off her new magic skills and piece together Colette's hand. Once it was back in place, Colette smacked her hand into the stone, before anything else bad could happen to it.

There was a moment of silence.

Then another.

The three panels in front of the Oracle Stone shimmered brightly, but no door opened. In fact, the group couldn't see a single door in the room; there were only rows and rows of the terror known as books.

"What's going on??" Lloyd cried, rushing forward. He stepped on to a panel, which gave a quick flash of purple, and crossed his arms. "What a lame tower. I'll bet the stupid Oracle Stone's so old, it-"

"Hey, Genis," Raine spoke over Lloyd's rant and turned to her brother. Genis, who had just managed to remove the bits of window from his face and covered it in band-aids, cringed.

"Y-y-yes, dearest sister?"

"Go stand on that panel over there." Raine pointed to the circle to the left of Lloyd. Genis hurried to do what he was told. Raine followed, more dignified, and stepped onto the last panel.

The three made a sparkly noise (accompanied by a loud light) and, in another flash, a bookcase slid to the side to reveal a large stone hallway behind it.

"Woah!" cried the children. Raine nodded knowingly.

"That was so cool, Professor!" Lloyd yelled. Then, he leapt off the panel and towards the hallway.

And the bookcase slid shut with a snap.

"Whassahuh??" Lloyd stared at the place where a hallway had been not too long ago. "What happened??"

"Hmm…" Raine said. She stepped out of her own place and knelt beside the panel. "It appears that the door only stays open as long as someone is standing on all three of them at the same time."

"Eh?" Colette gasped.

"Damn, that sucks." Sheena commented. She crossed her arms. "So… what now?"

"We'll have to split up again." Kratos said with a sigh. "Three people will stay behind while the rest of us go on ahead."

Raine thought for a moment. "…I suppose that's the only choice. We wouldn't want the door to be closed when we got back, after all."

The group nodded in (slightly disappointed) agreement.

"So…" Genis said slowly. "Who's gonna stay behind?"

Lloyd laughed. "Don't be stupid, Genis. _I'm_ going, of course, and Colette too. 'Cause she's the Chosen and all."

"Why the hell would we send _you_??" Genis shouted. "You try to murder small children by throwing them through windows!!"

Lloyd chose to ignore him. "Is that alright with you, Colette?"

"Oh, yeah!" Colette giggled. "I like it best when you're around, Lloyd!"

Lloyd laughed. Sheena couldn't help but marvel at their stupidity.

"So, who else is going?" she asked. "Only three need to stay behind."

The group pondered this for a second. Kratos was caught between a rock and a hard place; that is, between protecting the Chosen and staying as far away from Lloyd as humanly possible. Raine was trapped as well; she wanted to show off her new healing powers, but also wanted to study the books in this room. Genis simply wanted to stay away from Lloyd, so that he didn't snap and hit the teen with a Lightning spell.

Everyone looked at each other. Everyone looked back at Lloyd.

"…fine," Sheena mumbled at last. "I'll go." There came a round of applause from the remaining three. Lloyd frowned.

"Alrighty, let's get going!" Sheena shouted, pointing towards the hallway as Kratos, Genis, and Raine each climbed on to their respective panels. Then, she led the way into the tower.

"Wow, it sure is dark in here…" Lloyd said as he tripped over a teddy bear. The toy snarled and tackled him, slashing with claws and fangs that had certainly not been there earlier. Sheena calmly slashed it in two, and Lloyd pulled himself to his feet. They continued up the slowly revolving stairs in silence.

At last, the trio stepped into a room with a floating skull and a panel. Lloyd hurried past both to look over a railing to the rather spacious floor below.

"Wow, lookit that!" He gasped, pointing at various statues and whatnot.

"Wow, lookit _this_," Sheena said from back near the door. She was standing on the panel, and before her stood… the Professor?

Lloyd ran to her side and found that it was not, in fact, the Professor, but a very convincing hologram. He proved this point by throwing a rock right through her head. She seemed not to notice.

"Lloyd? LLOYD? CAN YOU HEAR ME, LLOYD??"

"HI, PROFESSOR!" Lloyd screamed. Sheena smacked her hands over her ears.

"Look, Lloyd, another door opened over here," Raine pointed to something to her right, which Lloyd couldn't see. "We're gonna head through, so stay there until we find you, alright?"

"OK," Lloyd said, giving a salute. Raine groaned.

"Listen… Sheena?" The Professor turned to the ninja, who blinked. "Stay here, OK? Don't let Lloyd leave."

Lloyd frowned. "Don't you trust me, Pro-fe-ssooooor?" He whined.

"No." Raine said shortly. The hologram vanished.

"Hmph." Lloyd crossed his arms and looked away. Sheena and Colette exchanged glances.

"So… what now?" Lloyd finally said.

"Mm…" Sheena thought.

"… Oh! Can I do your hair, Sheena-chanchan?" Colette asked. Sheena nodded eagerly. Lloyd groaned and wandered off to kill some teddy bears.

--

"Well!" said Raine in a forced cheerful voice. "I think this is a major improvement over our last little split-up, wouldn't you say, Genis?"

Genis frowned. He wasn't _that_ bad of a fighter.

Kratos frowned as well, but then again, he always did that. "Look at this room," he said thoughtfully. The siblings did so.

After climbing several flights of stairs, the trio had reached yet another large room. Above them hung several balconies, one of which had something red flitting across it, but the group had trouble making out what it was. Turning their attention back to the floor they stood on, Raine and company saw that there were several enormous mirrors scattered about in no particular order.

"Hm…" said Kratos.

"Hm…" said Genis.

"Aha!" said Raine.

"What?" Genis asked as his sister carefully crossed the room. She came to stand before a thick red curtain, which hung on the wall innocently.

"Doesn't this curtain look suspicious to you?" the Professor asked. Kratos and Genis exchanged confused looks, but chose to say nothing. Just then, Professor Sage whipped out her hand and aimed it at the curtain. Seconds later, the cloth exploded into flame and crumpled to the floor, defeated.

"Whoa!!" Genis yelped. "How'd you do that, sis? I thought you only knew healing spells and that one lame Photon thing??"

Raine spun around, looking proud of herself. Light shone from the window which had been hiding behind the curtain and gave her an exceptionally magical look. The boys had to squint to see her.

"I filched this from Lloyd this morning," she said proudly, holding up her middle finger, on which sat the infamous Sorceror's Ring. "He was so-" she coughed. "-_distracted_ during breakfast, he didn't even notice!"

"Alright, sis!" Genis cheered. "So… what now?"

"Well, it should be quite obvious," Kratos said obviously. "We need to decifer the puzzle, and move all the mirrors to just the right position so that-"

Raine turned and walked towards a strangely carved statue against the opposite wall.

"-requiring, of course, exceptional wit and cunning, which could only come from years of Sudoku solving. In other words-"

She took careful aim.

"-and that is why-"

"GAH!" Genis cried, throwing his hands over his eyes.

"Ah-HA!" Raine screeched. Light poured from the ring and into the statue, which grumbled loudly before producing a large doorway to it's right. There was also a flash of light from above, which – it was assumed – meant that something else had magically grown up there.

--

"WOAH, LOOK!" Lloyd shouted, pointing a red finger at a bridge which had appeared only seconds ago. He turned around to face the girls excitedly. "WELL? What are you guys waiting for? Let's go! Let's go!"

He tried to run, but Sheena got a hold on his scarves before he'd taken two steps. "Hold it right there, mister," she grumbled as the swordsman toppled over in front of her. "Raine said to stay here, remember? Besides, Colette isn't done braiding my hair."

"Sheena-chanchan," Colette giggled as she tugged a brush through the ninja's dark locks. "Your hair is so messy! Don't you ever do anything with it?"

Sheena blushed and giggled as well. Lloyd, who was currently being strangled by Sheena's death hold on his scarves, quietly passed out.

--

The trio marched through the doorway and up a flight of stairs.

"Almost there!" the Professor crowed. "I can taste it!"

"I can taste lots of dust," Genis coughed. "This place is so _ancient_."

"You shut your mouth, little boy," Raine snapped. "That dust you taste is _centuries_ old. You may well be breathing the same dust as the great healer Boltzman!"

Kratos didn't say anything. He was quite certain that, even if he did, he would be ignored.

"SO," Raine continued as the trio rounded a corner and started up some more stairs. "Who knows the historical significance of this tower?"

Genis raised his hand. "It was built long ago by the Church of Martel to gaze upon the Tower of Salvation. That would make it…" he counted his fingers. "At least six hundred years old, right?"

"Wrong," Kratos pointed out. "The last _successful_ journey of regeneration was six hundred years ago. The last time the tower appeared, however, was only about eighty."

As predicted, the mercenary was ignored.

"The tower," Raine started up again. "Was built in – oh, there you all are!"

Sheena and Colette turned their heads to see that the remaining half of their caravan had just walked through a door to their right.

"Oh, hi, you guys!" Colette cried as she and the ninja stood up. A noise not unlike a drain being unplugged erupted from behind them as Sheena released Lloyd's scarves and oxygen rushed into his starved lungs.

"Are we all set to go?" Raine asked, looking around the room. Everyone nodded, save for Lloyd, who was just starting to wake up. Still, the conscious group members walked on. A few minutes later, Lloyd pulled himself to his feet and scurried after them.

He found the group gathered around a glowing panel, preparing themselves for the worst.

"OK, everybody!" Raine said, clapping her hands above her head. "This may be one of the last seals, so don't fail me now!"

"Yes, ma'am!" shouted a majority of the group (the minority including Kratos). Then, as one, they stepped onto the warp pad and vanished.


	28. Chapter 28

I'm not sure if any Tales of Symphonia authors out there can relate, but it was a freaking _pain_ to write Colette's talking/writing after she loses her voice. XD Oooooh wells.

--

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

Yeah, stepping onto one two foot by two foot panel along with five other, fully grown people wasn't the best idea. The group fell to the floor in an enormous tangle of limbs and scarves.

"Get your goddamn foot _out_ of my ass, thank you very much," Sheena snapped.

"I can't move!" Genis shrieked. "Not until _someone_ gets their head off of my back!"

Lloyd said something, but no one could hear him from under the pile of idiots.

"Um, um, hey you guys," Colette began. "Let's not fight-"

"AUGGH! MY EYE!" Raine screamed. She tried to wiggle her way out of the knot, but only succeeded in getting more tangled.

Kratos blushed furiously as some part of Lloyd was shoved against his face. Mmm… he smelled just like… Kratos mentally shook himself.

Several minutes later, the group managed to untangle themselves and get a good look at their surroundings.

Ha. And they thought the Balacruf Mausoleum was high.

The group now stood atop the Tower of Mana, which – need I remind you? – was very very tall. Lloyd glanced over the side to see just how high he was, but couldn't see anything through the thick layer of clouds several yards down. He gave a terrified squeak and hurried back to his friends, who were gathering before the alter thing that always appeared at the seals.

"I feel…" Genis began.

"… a huge amount of mana," Lloyd mocked. Genis blushed.

"Oh, it's _just_ like at the last seal!" Sheena added in a high-pitched voice.

"Shut up!" Genis squealed. "You're all just jealous of my awesome elf powers!"

Just then, an exceptionally large horse leapt out of nowhere and attacked.

"YEEEARGH!" Lloyd hollered as the horse impaled him with one of its very sharp hooves. Sheena leapt into action with a handful of cards and a lemon gel. She and Lloyd then partook in the great Sylvarantian pastime – hacking away at monsters mindlessly.

Meanwhile, across the room, Kratos and Genis took turns zapping the monster with lightning spells. Raine healed, and Colette threw chakrams. All in all, it was a pretty straight-forward battle.

And so, four and a half minutes later, the monster fell, and the group hurried to the alter.

"Oh Goddess Martel-" Colette began. However, just then, there was a bright light that grew from the platform. A second later, the light had dimmed to reveal a woman with long, multi-colored hair who was seated elegantly on a crescent moon.

"…where is Aska?" She asked in a musical kind of voice.

"Ah… ah?" Colette stumbled in mid prayer.

"Who the hell are you??" Lloyd yelled at the mysterious woman.

"Ker-shhh!" Sheena hissed, elbowing Lloyd in the side. "That's Luna, the Summon Spirit of Light, dumbass."

"I cannot make a pact without Aska," Luna informed the group. She glared down at them for several seconds.

"Um, OK." Colette said. The Summon Spirit seemed to find this an acceptable answer, for she vanished just as brightly as she had appeared. Colette stared for a moment before she bowed her head and continued her prayer.

"Great nurturer and protector of the earth, grant me thy strength!"

"… alrighty then." Lloyd grumbled, scratching his head.

There was a flash of light, a blast of feathers, and there was Remiel. He looked pretty much like he had the last three times the group had seen him, except for the fact that he was grinning from ear to angelic ear.

"**My dear daughter Colette,**

**You own so damn bad,**

**You've released another seal,**

**I'm proud to be your Dad!**"

Colette laughed. "Good one, Father!"

Remiel blushed a bit. Then, a group of glowing orbs implanted themselves into Colette's body, where they obviously went about upping her angelic powers and whatnot.

"Ouch…" Colette murmered. Remiel didn't seem to notice; he was now performing an exceptionally involved dance and singing at the very top of his angelic lungs.

"**OH my dear daughter,**

**You've saved the world from damnation,**

**You're quest is nearly complete,**

**So head to the Tower of Salvation!**"

He giggled loudly and then disappeared, leaving behind gold feathers and six very confused travelers.

"Has anyone ever seen him so happy?" Genis asked in awe.

"Are we ready to go to the Tower of Salvation so soon?" Raine asked, sounding a bit worried.

"What was with that chick on the moon?" Lloyd asked irritably.

"Who the hell was _that_?" Sheena asked, pointing to the space where Remiel had floated not too long ago.

"Th-that's my daddy!" Colette exclaimed, dropping to the floor and letting her wings vanish. "Can't you see the resemblance…and… dance?"

"Well, I can see your rhyming is just as bad," Sheena sighed.

"Um, ex_cuse_ me," Genis interrupted. "But don't you think it would be a good idea to get off this ridiculously tall tower?"

"Indeed," said Kratos. He then turned and led the way out of the tower.

"Wow," Lloyd laughed as they stepped out the door and into the sunlight (being careful to avoid any stray shards of glass). "We released the final seal! I wonder what cool angelic things Colette can do now?"

Just then, Colette fainted.

"Awesome!" Lloyd hooted.

"Not awesome!" Raine snapped, smacking her student upside the head. "It's the Angel Toxicosis again!"

Colette lifted her head to say something, choked, spat, and gave a strange sort of gasp.

"What's wrong, Colette?" Genis asked hesitantly. Colette clutched her throat and made a garbled _chnk_ing sort of noise.

"I would assume she's lost her voice," Kratos stated calmly, as if that were a normal thing to do.

"Oh no!" Sheena gasped, clapping her hands to her mouth.

Colette continued coughing.

"Calm down, honey. There's nothing you can do now," Raine crossed her arms and thought for a moment. "I guess we should set up camp now, huh?"

Everyone agreed.

--

After a hearty supper of very old fish and some strange tasting curry, the group sat around the fire in relative silence. Colette was watching Lloyd, who was watching Genis, who was killing ants with a microscope and a fireball spell. Raine was scanning one of the books she had found in the Tower of Mana, and Kratos was taking his pre-night watch nap.

Suddenly, Sheena pulled herself to her feet and stated in a very speech-like voice: "Attention, everyone! I've got something I want to say."

Everyone turned to look at the ninja, except for Kratos, who rolled over and muttered something about pineapple.

"What up?" Lloyd asked.

Sheena took a deep breath. "I want to explain why I was trying to kill Colette."

"Alright, we're listening," Professor Sage said, marking her place in the book with a twig before giving the ninja her full attention. "Tell us about your home. A place that doesn't exist in Sylvarant."

"Huh??" Lloyd gasped.

"You knew?" Sheena gasped.

"Duh." Raine sighed and explained, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world: "You said that if Colette's journey is successful, your country will be destroyed. Since the world regeneration is just that – a _world_ regeneration – you must not be from Sylvarant."

"So, what?" Lloyd blinked. "Are you saying… Sheena-chanchan is an _alien_??"

"Omigoddess!" Genis shrieked. "Do you have feelers growing out of your back? Or eyeballs in your boobs? Are you from the _moon_??"

"No, dumbass." Sheena snapped. "I come from a world called Tethe'alla."

"Tethe'alla??" Genis gasped and pointed an accusatory finger at the ninja. "You _are_ from the moon!!"

"Tethe'alla?" Kratos's head shot up. "Did someone say Tethe'alla? You mean the moon, right?"

"NO!" Sheena shouted. "I don't know _why_ you named your moon after our world, but I am _not _from the moon. According to the scholars in my world, Tethe'alla and Sylvarant lie parallel to each other. They're right on top of each other, but can't see or touch one another."

"Sooo…" Lloyd said slowly. "What does that have to do with killing Colette?" Colette nodded eagerly.

Sheena crossed her arms thoughtfully. "Well, you see, the two worlds actually share each other's mana. When the Chosen completes the world regeneration, the other's world's mana starts flowing into the newly regenerated one. And, when the Chosen in the other world completes the regeneration, the process is reversed. Kinda what you'd call a vicious circle."

"I see…" Raine said thoughtfully. "So Sylvarant is currently in decline, and you were trying to kill Colette because…"

"If Colette succeeded, Sylvarant would flourish while Tethe'alla fall into decline." Sheena nodded.

"Damn…" Lloyd blinked. "Talk about weird."

"I agree," Raine said, shaking her head. "It's hard for me to believe all of this."

"Well, here!" Sheena cried, floundering around a bit. "I'm your proof! I possess summoning skills that were lost to this world!"

"We believe you, Sheena-chanchan!" Genis said reassuringly. "It's just…"

"…freakin' weird." Lloyd finished.

"How did you get here?" Kratos asked quickly. He looked angry, for some reason.

"I, uh… I came on a device called a Rheiard. It's… kinda like this," she wiggled her hands around a bit. "Only… it can fly, ya know?"

"Not really." Lloyd said with a shrug.

"It's like…" Sheena flushed as she tried to think of a good description. "It's like a mechanical bird. I rode it through the supposedly impassable barrier between the worlds."

"Sweet!" Lloyd laughed. "Did it go as fast as Noishe?"

Noishe whined.

Sheena rolled her eyes. "Not quite," she said sarcastically. "Anyway… I'm not really sure what to do now."

"Whaddya mean?" Genis asked.

"Well… I want to save Tethe'alla, but… but the people here in Sylvarant are suffering, and I don't want to hurt them, either! I… I dunno what to do."

"Um… jeez." Lloyd scratched his head. "That's one heck of a situation we've got here."

Colette tapped Lloyd's shoulder impatiently. The teen turned his head, a bit annoyed. "What?"

The Chosen reached out and grabbed Lloyd's gloved hand. Then, she started tracing something into his palm.

"Eh?? Oh, is this like that game we used to play back in school?" Lloyd grinned. "OK, lesse here… I-L-L-T-R-Y-A-S-K-I-N-G-R-E-M-I-E-L…?"

"Say what?" Genis cried.

"…I-F-T-H-E-R-E-S-A-N-O-T-H-E-R-W-A-Y…"

"If there's another…" Sheena counted her fingers, confused.

"…T-O-S-A-V-E-B-O-T-H-W-O-R-L-D-S," Lloyd grinned. "Did I get it right?"

Colette nodded. Lloyd cheered.

"Um…" Sheena reviewed the notes Professor Sage had been taking on the exceptionally drawn out sentence. "Aw, thanks, Colette. You're so awesome!" She jumped on the Chosen and gave her a big hug.

Colette giggled.

"But…" Sheena added as an afterthought. "If it comes down to it, I may have to kill you after all."

Colette pulled away immediately. She frowned at Sheena disapprovingly, and then grabbed Lloyd's hand again.

"I-F-T-H…" Lloyd began slowly. "…A-T-H-A-P-P-E-N-S-I-M-A-Y-H-A-V-E-T-O-F-I-G-H-T-B-A-C-K-B-E…"

"I understand…" Sheena started.

"Wait! She's not done yet!" Lloyd sighed. "B-E-C-A-U-S-E-I-L-O-V-E-S-Y-L-V-A-R-A-N-T-T-O-O. Phew." The teen wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. "What a mouthful."

"I understand," Sheena began again. "You want to protect your world just like I want to protect mine, right?"

Colette nodded slowly. She reached for Lloyd's hand again.

"No!" Lloyd shrieked, pulling his hands away. "No more speaking for you! You talk way too much!"

After that, Colette ran away crying, and Lloyd chased after her. Raine lost herself in her book again, and Genis fell asleep. Leaving the mercenary and the ninja.

"…" Kratos said, glaring at Sheena. The woman blinked.

"Um… sorry?"

"Hmph." Kratos hmphed, before he rolled over to get as much sleep as he could manage in the next few minutes.

--

"Hey, everyone! Waaaake up!"

The children rolled around in their sleeping bags with tired moans.

"What?" Lloyd grumbled, covering his head with his pillow. "It's too early."

"It is not." Raine snapped, pulling the teen's pillow away. "Look at what I found!"

Five heads slowly rose out of their beds to look.

"It's a book, Raine," Genis said slowly. "You took, like, ten of them from the Tower."

"Yes, _but_," Raine flipped open to a page she'd marked. "Look at this! It's a new curing technique."

Silence.

"Um… so?" Lloyd asked.

"_So_," Raine snapped the book shut. "I can use it to cure that crazy Pietro guy from Hima, and the monster chick Clara, and even Colette!"

"Hoo-ray!" The group cheered. Colette frowned, and then grabbed Lloyd's hand.

"Ugh, more writing," Lloyd moaned, but he read out loud anyway. "W-E-S-H-O-U-L-D-C-U-R-E-P-I-E-T-R-O-A-N-D-C-L-A-R-A-B-E-F-O-R-E-M-E-B-E-C-A-U-S-E-I-T-S-M-Y-J-O-B-A-S-C-H-O-S-E-N-T-O-G-E-T-S-I-C-K."

"Man, you are _such_ an idiot," Sheena groaned. "Well, we might as well go to Hima and help Pietro today."

"Indeed." Kratos nodded. "The Tower of Salvation is surrounded by mountains, so we'd be able to get the best view of it from Hima. We can plan out our route from there."

"Alright!" Lloyd shouted, throwing himself from his sleeping bag and running out of the camp. "Let's goooo!"

Then he stopped, turned around, and helped clean up camp. About an hour later, the band of idiots finally got on their way to Hima.


	29. Chapter 29

I R SLOW

I like this chapter, although I guess it's not really the best. Meh.

**--**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

The group finally reached Hima around one-ish. They had been slowed a bit by a very strange scenario involving twelve grasshoppers, a watermelon tree, a Desian's left shoe, and a basket of tomatoes. The group was in such a state of horror that Lloyd didn't even have the energy to make fun of Kratos.

Still, the sight of the dusty inn near the summit filled the group with hope, and they completed the final steps of their journey running, skipping, bouncing, or eye-rolling.

"Alright!" Lloyd screamed as he burst through the inn door. "Nobody move!"

The old man behind the reception desk looked up and smiled toothlessly. "Lovely day, eh, Linda?"

"Move," Raine said impatiently, shoving past Lloyd. She stormed up the stairs, and the children and Kratos followed meekly.

"Alright!" The Professor screamed as she burst through Sophie's door. "Nobody move!"

Sophie, who was just about to open the door when Raine oh-so-rudely intruded, fell backwards with a shriek.

Raine stepped over her and cautiously approached the one bed in the room, on which Pietro seemed to be having a seizure.

"Can you help him, Raine?" Sheena asked, helping Sophie to her feet.

"Shhh! Don't rush me!" Raine snapped. She turned back to examining Pietro, who was now attempting to eat his own arm.

"Um, um, um…" Sophie glanced around at the group who had now forced their way into the room. "Did you find Boltzman's Book?"

"We sure did!" Lloyd said proudly. "And, lemme tell ya, it wasn't easy 'neither. First, we had to-"

"Shut up!" Raine screeched. She crossed her arms and eyed Pietro from a distance, in case he looked less crazy from far away.

Sheena frowned. "How's she supposed to heal him" she whispered. "If she hasn't even read the book yet?"

Genis shrugged and whispered back: "I dunno. I think she learns by osmosis or something. She, like, holds the book and _absorbs_ the knowledge."

"Hey, Genis?" Lloyd mumbled. "What's oz-muh-sees?"

"RESURRECTION!" Raine suddenly bellowed, drowning out Genis' correction. All eyes turned to Pietro, who wasn't moving. Suddenly, he jumped to his feet, toppled over, and jumped back up.

"AAARGH!" He screamed. He waved his arms in front of his face.

"Um, Pietro?" Sophie approached the shrieking man nervously. He froze.

"Sophie?" He blinked and looked around. "I'm… back in Hima? So I made it out of the ranch??"

"Well, sort of," Sheena said. "Y'see…"

"I went to Luin…" Pietro said slowly, interrupting the ninja. "And I think they helped me there, and then I met this busty ninja…"

"H-hey!" Sheena blushed. "I'm right here!"

Pietro looked around. "Hey, it's Sheena! Wassup?"

"Pietro!" Sheena snapped. "After you came to Hima, the Desians came and attacked Luin!"

Sophie nodded. "Basically, everyone's dead because of you."

"Yeah, and the whole town's blown to smithereens!" Lloyd added, waving his arms for emphasis.

"And, despite the fact that it's your fault everyone in Luin died or was captured, we traveled all the way to the Tower of Mana to find Boltzman's Book and save you," Raine concluded.

For a minute or so, Pietro didn't say anything.

"Oh." He finally said in a very small voice. "B-but, I needed to escape, y'see, because I had to warn the Chosen about something!"

"Well, you lucked out." Genis said dryly. "She's right here."

Pietro did a double-take. "Sheena! You're the Chosen??"

Sheena groaned. "N-no, I-"

Colette interrupted by grabbing Sheena's hand and scratching into her palm: "Y-O-U-R-E-A-C-H-O-S-E-N-T-O-O-?-I-M-S-O-H-A-P-P-Y-!"

As soon as she was done reading, Sheena snatched her hand away. "No, I'm not the Chosen!" She sighed and pointed to the Colette. "THIS is Colette. She's the Chosen."

"Ooooh!" Colette and Pietro said at the same time. That is, Pietro said it and Colette's mouth turned into a little o. The rest of the congregation heaved a heavy sigh.

"Chosen One!" Pietro said, taking Colette's hands in his own. "When I was in the ranch, I heard the Desians talking about rebuilding the Mana Cannon!"

"Mana Cannon?" Kratos repeated. "Do you mean Thor's Hammer, from the Ancient War?"

"Oh, I remember that!" Lloyd said eagerly, jumping up and down.

"You do?" Raine and Genis chorused in astonishment.

"Yeah! Remember, when we found Kvar he was all like 'oh, so the Mana Cannon is no longer a secret'. Remember?"

"Actually…" Sheena said, tapping her forehead. "He's right. I remember that, too."

"Yeah!" Pietro cried. "I had to warn the Chosen, so she can save us from this horror!"

"Don't worry," Kratos said emotionlessly. "We have already destroyed the Asgard Ranch, and killed Kvar as well."

"Amazing!" Pietro gasped. He threw his hands in the air. "Hark! The Chosen has once again saved us from a terrible fate! Hallelujah!"

"Amen." said Sophie. Then, she turned to face the Chosen's group. "I'm sorry I was so rude to you. I didn't know you were… y'know, the _Chosen_ and stuff."

"Forget it." Raine said offhandedly. She turned to her friends and Kratos. "OK, everybody, now we just need to find a way to get to the Tower of Salvation."

"We can probably see it from outside." Kratos pointed out. "Because, you know, we're on top of a mountain."

"Oh, yes!" Sophie jumped in. "You can see the Tower of Salvation very well from the summit. You just follow this path next to the graveyard and…"

"Perfect. Let's go." Raine led the way out of the small room and outside. As the children filed out one by one, they turned and waved goodbye to Pietro and Sophie.

"Thank you, Chosen!" Sophie said.

"I'll use this life you gave me to rebuild Luin!" Pietro cried. "With my own two hands! And a hammer! And some nails!"

Colette waved uncomfortably before she hurried after Lloyd's retreating back.

--

"Well…" Lloyd said, crossing his arms and staring over the edge of the cliff. "What d'you guys think?"

The group was standing on the summit of the mountain, looking down on the Tower of Salvation. Unfortunately for their quest, the Tower was completely surrounded by a huge ring of mountains, like some sort of fortress.

Kratos leaned over the edge a little further than he really should have. "We could try going through that pass there," He said, tracing said pass with his finger. "And… climb around that mountain there?"

"No, no…" Genis argued. "If we start here, we can get around that cliff there no problem…"

"But then we'll have to get over that gorge there." Raine pointed out.

"Hmmm…" Sheena said, tapping her foot in thought.

Lloyd, already bored, started squashing ants as they scurried across the rock. He had just landed an awesome double-jumping-ant-squashing tackle when a rather large man with an even larger hair-do pulled himself onto the summit.

"Hm… yes, this will do nicely." He mumbled to himself. He pulled a measuring tape out of his pocket and started examining the distance between two stones.

"Hey, mister!" Lloyd said cheerfully. The rest of his friends glanced over in mid-argument.

"Oh, hello there!" The man said in a very loud voice.

"Whatcha doin'?" Lloyd asked.

"Well, I'm glad you asked, young man," he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a brightly colored poster with a flourish. "You see, I'm going to start dragon touring business right here!"

"Dragon touring?" Lloyd asked. "You mean, you stand on the rocks and look at dragons?"

The man laughed. "Not quite, little dude. You see, you can ride the dragons from here, and they will take you right up to the Tower of Salvation. You can get so close you can almost touch it, in all it's really tall glory!"

"Woah…" Lloyd gaped. "Awesome."

"Do you think we could ride one of your dragons to the Tower?" Genis asked. "Like, soon?"

"Well, sure!" The large man exclaimed. "I could get you there as soon as tomorrow, if you'd like!"

"Perfect!" Raine cried.

"Hold on." Kratos stepped forward. "How much will it cost?"

"Well…" The dragon man tapped his chin. "You've got six people, so that's three dragons… add the nine and carry the two… plus fifty… that would come to about fifteen thousand gald, total!"

"Fifteen thousand??" Sheena shouted. "That's nuts!"

"Yes, but we don't have any choice." Raine said with a sigh. "It's for the World Regeneration, after all."

Colette nodded mutely.

"The World Regeneration?" The dragon man repeated. "Y-you mean, _you_ are the Chosen' group?"

"That's right!" Lloyd said. He gave a thumbs up.

"Oh, no, this won't do! I can't take money from the Chosen! Put those wallets away!"

"We haven't taken them out yet…" Genis muttered. He was ignored.

"I'll have three top-quality dragons ready for you by tomorrow morning! No charge! Only…" The man clasped and unclasped his hands nervously.

"What?" Kratos sighed.

"Well, it's just… my cute little dragons… do you think…?"

"You want us to send them back when we get there, right?" Raine asked. The man nodded. "No problem."

"Yeah, we can worry about how we get back when the time comes." Lloyd said. "Right, Colette?"

Colette had a coughing fit, which Lloyd decided to take as a yes.

"OK, then I'll be back first thing tomorrow morning," The man said. He tucked his poster away before he hurried back down the mountain.

"THANKS MISTER!" Lloyd hollered after him.

Genis groaned. "OK," he said after a moment. "So, what now?"

"Now, we'll stay in the inn for the night and get back to work tomorrow." Raine said with a nod.

"Alright!" Lloyd cheered. "Finally, we get to take a break!"

"It's not a break," Genis said, crossing his arms. "We're just staying here for the night."

"On a BED!" Lloyd pointed out. He cheered and ran down the mountain, followed closely by a laughing Sheena and an eye-rolling Genis. Raine, with an exaggerated sigh, started after them, but she was stopped by none other than Colette.

"Hm?" Raine watched as Colette acted out some sort of pantomime. "A dog? No, wait… a moose? Oh! You want to thank me?"

Colette nodded.

"Don't worry about it. Knowing how… y'know, things will turn out, it's the least I can do."

Colette smiled and gave the Professor a big hug. Then, they walked down to the inn arm in arm, taking notice of every single flower and doggy they came across.

Kratos, being the last to leave, paused to look over the cliff one last time.

"I swear…" He began softly. He traced a pathway through the mountains below with his finger. "I was certain we could go through there. I think that was how we went last time…"

He frowned and tapped his chin. At last, he gave a shrug and headed down to the inn. Taking dragons would only get them to the Tower faster and, hey, that was their loss. Kratos smiled at the thought of what tomorrow would bring, but was careful to disguise it before Lloyd could see.

--

"Hey, Lloyd?"

Lloyd glanced up after tossing one last stone over the cliff, a game he and Genis had started up about an hour ago. "Wassup, Genis?"

The elf frowned, scratching at a stone with his fingernail. "I dunno… I guess, it's times like this when I realize how stupid I've been."

"Huh?" Lloyd nearly tripped as he grabbed another rock from beneath a bush. "You? Stupid? Like this? What are you talking about?"

"I mean…" Genis sighed and threw his rock. It vanished beneath a layer of clouds silently. "After all this time, and this whole journey, I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing."

"About…?"

"Y-you know!" Genis waved his arms around. "Letting Colette get hurt to save the world! Getting kicked out of Iselia! Letting Sheena join us! Using that extra cup of sugar in my cookies!"

"You've been doing a lot of thinking, huh?" Lloyd laughed.

"Yeah, I guess you never have to trouble yourself with something like that." Genis said dryly. Lloyd scowled and started throwing rocks again. Awkward silence ensued.

Sheena, who had been playing Solitaire on the inn porch, came down to sit beside the boys. She let her legs dangle over the edge and sighed.

Lloyd blinked. "So, Sheena-chanchan… what're you gonna do now?"

The ninja glared. "First, I'm gonna kick yer ass for calling me that again." She made a threatening gesture, and Lloyd scooted several feet away. "Then… I don't know." She groaned and dropped her head into her hands. "I want to help you guys, but I can't just abandon Tethe'alla, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know." Lloyd nodded sagely. "It's kinda like us and Colette."

"What?" Sheena and Genis asked at the same time, wearing identical looks of confusion.

"Well, you know…" Lloyd waved a hand. "We want to save the world, but that would mean abandoning Colette to whatever happens when she becomes an angel."

Genis stared, mouth agape. "Wow, Lloyd," He finally said. "That's gotta be the smartest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth."

"Thanks!" Lloyd grinned. Suddenly, his smile vanished. "Hey, waita-"

"So, I guess I'll just go with you guys to the Tower of Salvation and see what happens," Sheena spoke loudly.

"Yeah," Genis nodded. "Colette said she'd ask Remiel if there was a way to help both worlds, right?"

"Yeah…" Sheena smiled. "We'll just have to trust in Colette."

"Well!" Lloyd said grumpily. "I can see I'm not wanted here. I'll just leave… now." He stomped away. Sheena and Genis either didn't notice, or didn't care. Fuming, Lloyd stomped up to Kratos, who was standing near the graveyard.

"Hey, Kratos!" He snapped. The mercenary turned around slowly. Lloyd glared at him.

"What's got you in such a good mood, Lloyd?" He asked calmly.

"Life sucks." Lloyd snapped back. "Remiel sucks. The World Regeneration sucks. You suck. Everything just sucks!"

Kratos rolled his eyes. "Well, then, are you going to do something about all those sucks?"

"Huh?"

"Are you prepared to protect the Chosen, no matter what?"

"Of course!" Lloyd yelled, stomping his foot. "That's what I've been saying from the beginning!"

Kratos crossed his arms and glared down at the swordsman. "You've been saying it, but you haven't been doing it. All this time, you've been putting all the pressure on the Chosen, saying that she save the world. And now, the Chosen is trying to fix everything by sacrificing herself."

Lloyd's face turned red. His cheeks ballooned in anger. "Y-y-you'd better shut the hell up!" He stammered, to angry to think up anything better.

"If that's how you feel, how about you start helping the Chosen instead of making life harder for her?"

"Yeah, OK!" Lloyd said loudly. He raised a fist in the air. "I swear to protect Colette, no matter what!" He gave a loud sort of whistle. Raine shouted for him to shut up, and he did so.

Kratos, who'd been watching the teen with a sort of detached amusement, gave what could almost be called a laugh. "Well, don't do anything that you'll regret."

"No problem!" Lloyd said confidently. "Besides, if I make a mistake, I can just do it over, right?"

Kratos rolled his eyes. "What do you think this is, Lloyd? Some sort of video game, where you can just return to the last save spot any time you get a game over?"

Lloyd blinked. "What's a video game?"

"I'll tell you when you figure out what a cat is. Now, go away!" Kratos shooed the teen with his hand before turning back to the grave he had been inspecting. Lloyd ran for it.

As it happened, he ran right into the Professor, who was doing her usual pre-nighttime jog.

"Watch where you're going, Lloyd!" She snapped when the teen collided with her, sending them both tumbling to the ground. Lloyd grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, Professor Sage."

"Hmph." Raine stood up and dusted herself off, glaring at her student out of the corner of her eye. After a second, she spun around to glare at him. "Well? What are you doing here? Go talk to Colette! It's her last night, after all."

"Her last night?" Lloyd asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Her last night… ah, as a human, I mean!" The Professor added quickly. "Because, you know, after tomorrow she'll be… ah, she'll be an angel!"

"Oh, gotcha." Lloyd gave the Professor a thumbs up. "But, how am I supposed to talk to her? You're forgetting, she can't talk. And the author _really_ doesn't want to put dashes in between every freaking letter she writes!"

Raine hesitated, terribly confused, before she decided she didn't really want to know what her student was talking about. She pushed him towards the inn, where Colette was playing with a dog, before she stomped away, probably to go harass Kratos (it was just so easy these days!).

Lloyd nervously walked up to his blonde friend, who was giggling silently as the dog rolled over on his back.

Colette pointed to the dog with a big grin. Lloyd rolled his eyes.

"Uh, listen Colette," he began, tracing his toe through the dirt. "You wanna… um, just talk for a while? You can write," He added quickly when Colette gestured to her wide open mouth, which as producing no noise at all.

Colette nodded quickly. Lloyd took her hand and led her back to the summit of the mountain. They stood in silence for a few minutes, eyes darting from each other to the several paths Kratos had failed to find.

"So…" Lloyd said at last, fishing for conversation. "Sorry about, ah, not finishing your birthday present in time."

Colette shook her head and reached for Lloyd's hand. When the swordsman yanked the hand back protectively, the Chosen grabbed a stick and wrote on the ground instead.

"'I'll wait forever.'" Lloyd read over Colette's shoulder. "'Even if I become an angel, I'll keep on waiting.' Aw, Colette! That's so corny!" Lloyd sighed and gave his friend a big hug. Colette blushed a bit but nuzzled against the swordsman's chest happily.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Lloyd asked, pulling himself away from the Chosen's snuggling. Colette, looking slightly disappointed, dropped to her knees and got to work writing.

"'It's true that I am a little scared'," Lloyd read. "Pssh. Yeah, I would be too." He shrugged before he continued to read. "But if giving up my life as a human means that Sylvarant will be saved, then it's kind of like my life' only one f in life, Colette. 'Then it's kind of like my life is being spread out all over the world!'"

Lloyd frowned. "Damn, it just gets cornier and cornier."

Colette blushed and stood back up, flicking dust off her knees.

"Well, I guess that's pretty cool." Lloyd said with a shrug. Just then, an enormous gust of wind tore over the mountain, practically knocking the pair off their feet. They both screamed and latched themselves to each other. A good portion of Colette's hair got tangled around Lloyd's ears before the wind finally died down.

"Woah." Lloyd said in awe as he attempted to pull himself out of the hairy mess. "That was nuts."

Colette would have nodded if her head wasn't fixedly tied to Lloyd's. Several minutes of awkward untangling ensued.

"Well," Lloyd said when he was finally (almost) free. "Shall we go back down? It's getting a bit chilly up here."

Colette frowned.

"Oh, that's right!" Lloyd snapped his fingers. "You can't feel anything, can you?" He laughed. "So I guess it doesn't matter!"

The Chosen blinked, sneezed, squinted her eyes, hiccupped, and rubbed her nose, but found that she could not produce any tears. She ran down the mountain with her hands over her face, so that for anyone stupid enough to not get that she was incapable of doing so, it would appear the almost-angel was crying.

Lloyd stood without moving, guilt tugging at him from somewhere below his stomach. "Oh, no, I made her cry!" He gasped, before he ran after the Chosen in an attempt to cheer her up. He was in such a hurry that he didn't notice the tree branch stretching lazily across the path.

By the time Raine had managed to untangle the unfortunate friends, she was quite certain that Kratos was going to die of laughter.


	30. Chapter 30

Oooh. A very important chapter, chapter thirty, as any Tales of Symphonia fan should know. Remember when you thought this was the end of the game? Well, I did, at least. [

Due to the extra special-ness of this chapter, it's twice as long!!! (Actually, that's just because I didn't want to split it up.)

ENJOY THE EXTRA HAPPINESS, FOOLS -cough- READERS

**--**

**Chapter Thirty**

That night, our hero Lloyd awoke from a terrible nightmare (something about Kratos and condoms) to find that the so-feared mercenary was not in his bed (they'd been stuck sharing rooms _again_). Being the nosy creature that he was, Lloyd immediately leapt out of bed in search of the redhead.

He had already thought up three awesome tomato-related insults by the time Lloyd exited the inn, which was when he spotted Kratos. The teen hid behind a Katz to eavesdrop on the mercenary.

"I need to look after Lloyd, _again_," Kratos was telling Noishe.

"Ha!" Lloyd laughed silently. "That idiot's talking to a dog! Silly mercenary; dogs can't talk!"

"It's not easy to watch the moron, you know." Noishe the dog spat. But, he was dog, so it came out more like, "Rr-ruff snuffle grrrr whine, wh-hine."

"You're telling me," Kratos said in English. "But, I won't be able to anymore. I have something I must do."

"Whine whiiiine!" Noishe whined.

"No, you can't come with me!" Kratos snapped. "I already told the brat that you were dead. If you came back, he could only assume…"

"Ruff bark!" Noishe said.

"Yes, I know what happens when you assume. But, I promise, it's only for a little longer. Lloyd's life expectancy is relatively short, so-"

Just then, Lloyd heard the strangest noise. It sounded like someone teleporting off one of those purple panels, but how could that be? He poked his head over the Katz's shoulder to see what was going on.

The swordsman gave a muted shriek when he saw the scene laid out before him. Behind Kratos – who was still arguing with Lloyd's dog – there was a painfully familiar sphere of pink electricity. The sphere illuminated a hand, which was aiming right at Kratos' back, and a face, which looked a touch annoyed. At that very moment, Noishe had spat in Kratos' eye, so the mercenary didn't have a clue as to what was about to happen.

"KRATOS LOOK BEHIND YOU YOU MORON!" Lloyd screamed, running to the rescue.

Without hesitation, Kratos whipped out his sword and lashed out blindly behind him. He kept swinging, even after the assassin had stumbled backwards with a pained shout, and even after the pink electricity zapped itself into nothing, and even after the man had vanished, leaving behind a big puddle of blood.

"Kratos, stop that!" Lloyd cried as he ran up behind the mercenary. He ducked when the sword sailed towards his head, just barely avoiding a rather unfortunate accident. "Stoppit, Kratos! It's me, Lloyd!"

Kratos paused, then rubbed his knuckles into his eyes for several seconds. His vision cleared, he blinked and looked around him.

"Who was that?" Lloyd asked, deciding it was safe to approach Kratos now.

"Beats me…" Kratos said. He rounded on the teen. "Lloyd! Your stupid dog almost got me killed! Why don't you train it better, dammit??"

Noishe growled angrily. Lloyd pouted. "Stop taking it out on my poor doggy, Kratoooos!"

Kratos growled and turned away, sheathing his sword. He eyed the bloody mess that was slowly creeping towards his boots.

"You sure showed him, Kratos!" Lloyd crowed cheerfully, patting his buddy on the back. "That jerk'll think twice before he attacks _us_ again, eh?"

"Hmph." Kratos hmphed. He turned back to Lloyd and crossed his arms. Several seconds passed in silence.

"Wh-what?" Lloyd finally stuttered. He was starting to get creeped out by the mercenary's unblinking stare.

"Hm…" Kratos thought for a moment, then blurted out: "Don't die, Lloyd."

Lloyd actually managed to stumble without moving. "Wh-huh-s-say _what_?? What are you talking about??"

"Don't worry about it." Kratos said calmly before he walked back to the inn, leaving poor Lloyd alone and confused.

"Don't worry about it??" Lloyd screeched, pulling his hair out in confusion. "_Don't worry about it?? _How can he be so calm after saying something so random and extremely scary like that??"

In his frustration, Lloyd toppled over onto his butt, which landed in the bloody mud with a _squilch_, soiling his formerly clean pajamas. He paused his screeching to glance down at the puddle he had fallen into. Something glittered near his left toe that caught his eye.

"What the-?" He dug through the mud until he finally managed to uncover what was shining so brightly. It was a small, gold ring with strange characters carved around it. Lloyd held it close to his eye, as if seeing it closer up would give him the ability to translate the script.

Just then, a midget in a loincloth scurried to the swordsman's side. Lloyd slid several scoots away.

"Give that to us, precious," Said the midget, holding out a large pale hand expectantly.

"Euck," Lloyd said, scooting even farther away. "W-why?"

"Because," the midget said with a wet sort of sigh. "It's my birthday. And I wants it."

The creature smiled widely, displaying greenish rotting teeth. Lloyd hesitated only a second before he whipped out his sword and sliced off the midget's head. Then, he jumped to his feet and ran back to the inn, pausing only to lock the door before he leapt into his bed and hid beneath the covers. The poor kid didn't sleep a wink the whole night.

--

The next morning, Lloyd was startled out of his drowsing when a small white-haired something leapt into his bed.

"YEAAARGH!" They both screamed; Lloyd, because he was being attacked by Genis, and Genis because he was jumping on Lloyd's bed and it was fun.

After a few minutes of YEAAARGHing, Kratos climbed out of his bed and left the room with a grumpy growl. The boys took this as their cue to leave as well. They met up with the rest of the group, who were standing outside the inn eyeing the corpse laying several feet down the mountain.

"Lloyd?" Raine asked as soon as he and Genis had joined them. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that headless midget over there, would you?"

"Nope, don't think so." Lloyd said quickly. He clapped his hands. "Well, let's get going, then! We don't wanna keep that dragon guy waiting!" With that, he hurried up the mountain. The rest of his posse followed, throwing nervous glances over their shoulder every now and then.

When they'd reached the summit, the group saw that the dragon dude had already arrived. Behind him stood three large, blue-ish dragons. Lloyd squealed like a little girl and ran to pet one.

"Here ya go, young'ins," said the dragon guy. He pointed to the dragons, who were pushing and shoving to get their noses patted by Lloyd. "Three top notch dragons. Should get you to the Tower of Salvation, no problem."

"Oooooh!" Lloyd squeaked. "Let's go, you guys! Let's go!"

Raine sighed. "Alright. Who's riding with who?"

"I'll ride with the Chosen." Kratos said immediately. "Protecting her is… my job."

Lloyd frowned. "No fair! I wanna ride with Colette!"

"Now, Lloyd," Genis said, patting the swordsman's shoulder. "Kratos can kick your ass any day. How about letting him do what he wants?"

Lloyd growled, but didn't say anything. Kratos pulled Colette onto a dragon, and the pair left without a word.

"Well, fine!" Lloyd shouted after the quickly disappearing dragon. "Do what you want! I don't care! C'mon, Genis!" The teen grabbed his little buddy's hand and dragged him towards the next dragon. Genis frowned, but followed. The pair climbed onto the dragon.

"This is so cool!" Lloyd cried. "Look! I'm so high up!"

Below, Sheena rolled her eyes as she pulled herself up onto the last dragon.

"I think I shall name you Steve!" Lloyd said, patting the dragon's neck. Steve groaned.

"Alright!" Raine yelled from where she perched behind Sheena. "Let's go!"

The dragons seemed to understand, because with a heavy lurch they'd thrown themselves off the cliff. Lloyd just barely had time to scream before Steve snapped out his wings and started flapping heavily towards the Tower.

About ten minutes later, Steve landed his fat self on a very handy balcony about a mile up the Tower. Lloyd and Genis toppled off his back just as Raine and Sheena arrived on their own dragon. They looked shaken.

"N-never again…" Sheena gasped as she unsteadily fell to the ground.

"N-n-not as bad as b-boats, b-b-but…" Raine gave a tiny shriek as her dragon shifted below her; she quickly jumped off.

"Hey, where're Kratos and Colette?" Lloyd asked, ignoring the air-sick women. He looked around the tiny platform, but saw no sign of either the humans or their dragon.

"They probably already went in," Genis said, pointing to the door that sat before them. Beside it was an Oracle Stone. Raine screamed and ran to examine it.

"I guess Colette already opened it," Sheena said, pointing to the blood that covered the stone; most likely from someone's hand. But that's just a guess.

"Well, Steve, I guess this is where we say goodbye," Lloyd told the dragon.

Steve snorted.

"Aw, I'm gonna miss you too, buddy!" Lloyd wailed and threw his arms around the dragon. Steve growled and pushed the swordsman off before jumping into the air and flying back to Hima. The girls' dragon followed suit.

"Ah, they grow up so fast…" Lloyd sighed, wiping a tear out of his eye. His friends rolled their eyes.

"Come on, let's go." Raine lead the way into the Tower of Salvation.

"Wow, this place is nutso!" Lloyd cried as they stepped into the enormous interior of the Tower. The group was currently standing on a semi-transparent pathway, beneath which was a really really really really really really _really_ long fall to the ground. Lloyd tipped his head back to find the ceiling, but discovered that he couldn't see it; the Tower was so tall that he couldn't see a single thing.

"Indeed." Raine nodded.

"W-what are those?" Sheena gasped, pointing to a rectangular sort of box that was floating down from above them. The group looked around as more boxes gently floated from the ceiling like snow.

"I think they're…" Raine suddenly gasped. "Oh, my! They're coffins!"

"Holy crap," Genis mumbled.

"That's sick," Lloyd added, watching as a coffin floated by; so close he could almost touch it. "Who's coffins are they, d'you think?"

Raine frowned. "You don't think that… maybe…"

"Wh-wh-what?" Sheena stuttered.

"Could they be… the corpses of all the Chosen who have failed the World Regeneration so far?"

Genis paled. Sheena was sick over the edge of the path. Lloyd watched with twisted fascination as the puke splattered against the top of a coffin.

"Gross…" He gasped.

"Come on," Raine ordered. She started walking down the pathway. "We've got to find Kratos and Colette."

The children nodded and followed her. They hadn't been walking for very long when a circular warp panel appeared ahead of them.

"OK!" Lloyd said as they reached the circle. He started to step onto the panel, then paused. He looked up with a terrified grin. "Ah… l-ladies f-f-first…?"

Sheena growled. "Get in there, you-!" Without finishing her insult, she pushed the swordsman onto the warp pad. He vanished with a purple flash and a look of horror. Sheena leapt after him, as did the Sage siblings.

The group reappeared seconds later in another room. It was decorated in a similar fashion as the other room, minus the corpses and with a few pillars scattered about. Ahead of the quartet the path rose to a stage, upon which Colette was kneeling. She looked especially saintly. Lloyd hurried towards her.

"Hey, Colette!" The swordsman shouted, waving his arms. He skidded to a stop just before the stage as, with his trademark flash of feathers, Remiel appeared. Genis crashed into Lloyd's back, and the pair fell to the ground.

"**Very good, Colette!**" The angel cried. He crossed his arms and smiled down upon his daughter. "**The angel transformation is almost complete! Martel will finally reawaken! Now you must sacrifice the final parts of your human existence! That's right!**" He pointed down on his daughter dramatically. "**Your heart, and your memory!**"

"W-what??" Lloyd shouted. "What's going to happen to Colette??"

"Exactly what he said, dumbass." Raine said quietly. Lloyd whipped around to face her.

"Wh-what?"

The Professor sighed and put her head in her hands. "Lloyd, I'm sorry. I promised I wouldn't tell, and – unlike you – I kept to that. Colette will now become a real live angel. Becoming an angel means… dying."

"Wiggidy-WHAT?" Lloyd and Genis both cried at the same time.

"**That's not quite true**," Remiel pointed out. "**Colette will give up her human existence, and her body will be offered to the Goddess Martel!**"

"Eww…" Lloyd mumbled.

"Lord Remiel," Raine called up the angel, who was now looking annoyed at all these interruptions. "We have heard that a land known as Tethe'alla lies parallel to Sylvarant."

Remiel blinked. "**How'd you – I mean, that is not for you to know.**"

"You kept it a secret because it is true, correct?"

The angel frowned. "**From who did you hear of it**?"

"Isn't there a way for both worlds to be saved?" Sheena broke in, waving her arms wildly.

The angel stared down at the group for a moment, no doubt rolling their situation around in his brilliant angelic mind. Well… OK, he was actually trying to remember whether he'd left the curling iron on. Anyway, he finally cleared his throat and informed them:

"**If the Chosen wishes it, then it shall be**."

Colette gasped and finally snapped out of her praying pose to look up at her angelic daddy.

Remiel looked right back. "**What, you don't believe me? Remember, the Chosen is the one who will decide the fate of the world.**"

"Ehhck…" Colette said. She stood up just as a magical-looking circle appeared around her.

"NOOOO!" Lloyd bellowed. "COLEEEETTE!" He started running towards his friend, but was stopped when Genis grabbed him around the middle.

"Genis??" Lloyd spat, trying to squirm his way out of Genis' grasp. "Lemme go, dammit!"

Genis held on tight. "Stobbit, you idiot! I don't want anything to happen to Colette either, but what about everyone in Sylvarant? They're suffering too."

"**The sacrifice of one human soul, the Chosen, will save the entire world.**" Remiel informed the disgruntled teen. "**Are you saying that you would choose one life over everyone elses? What a bastard.**"

Colette nodded in agreement with a dumb sort of smile. Lloyd gave a shriek of frustration and continued trying to escape Genis' hold.

"Wait, Colette!" Sheena cried, in one last attempt to stop the regeneration. "Are-are you really planning to die??"

"Oh, you'd like her to change her mind, wouldn't you?" Genis growled, turning to glare at the ninja. Lloyd took advantage of the younger boy's lack of concentration to break free and run to the bottom of the stage, where he looked up and Remiel with a sad face.

"Wait, Remiel!" He called. "Are you really OK with this? Colette's your daughter, after all! You can't really want her to die, right?"

"**Daughter? Don't make me laugh.**" Remiel chuckled evilly. "**When I came down to play the role of guardian angel, you **_**inferior beings**_** started calling me her father on your own!**"

Lloyd stood there in shock. "Egh… huh??"

"**Yeah! And you know what else??**" The angel screeched, looking very pleased to be finally saying what he'd wanted to for the past few months. "**I never liked any of you stupid kids! Or your stupid dog! Or that goddamn **_**annoying**_** thing you do when you win a fight!**"

Lloyd continued to stare. "But… wait… h-how can you two _not_ be related? You've got the same horrible poetry skills!"

Remiel looked hurt, but ignored the teen. Lloyd watched in horror as the magical circle below Colette started spinning faster and faster.

"Wait! Colette!" Unable to contain himself any longer, Lloyd scrambled onto the stage, where he grabbed Colette's shoulders and spun her around.

"What do you think you're doing, dumbass??" He cried, once again forgetting about Colette's extra-sensitive ears. The Chosen smiled weakly as blood trickled down her neck.

"_Lloyd, it's okay._" Colette managed to say without moving her mouth. "_I realized what was going on. Every time I saw Remiel I felt… that he was not my real father._"

"Colette! What's wrong with you!" Lloyd shook his blonde friend's shoulders roughly. "If you knew what was going on, then why-?"

"_Oh, you can hear me! I'm so happy! I'll be able to say goodbye in the end!_" She hesitated, and then added; "_Um, what _else_ did you hear?_"

Lloyd blinked. "Huh? Nothing else…"

"_Oh, good._" Colette ran a hand across her brow in relief. She then grabbed both of Lloyd's hands in her own. "_It's OK, you didn't miss anything… important._"

Lloyd looked at his boots. "I'm sorry Colette. I messed up. Again. I promised I wouldn't make anymore mistakes, but it looks like I have. Again."

"_No, Lloyd, I-_"

"Get a move on, lovebirds!" Called the remainder of the group from below.

Lloyd glared at them. Colette giggled.

"_Looks like… it's time…_" she mumbled. She gently floated out of Lloyd's grasp and came to an angelic rest beside her father. She closed her eyes and unfurled her wings. Then, with a magical splash of light, Colette opened her suddenly red and creepy eyes and smiled a very eerie smile. She didn't move.

"Hey!" Lloyd crowed, looking up. "I can see up Colette's skirt!" He giggled.

Remiel eyed him uncertainly for a moment. Then, he broke into very evil laughter. "**Mwa ha ha! I've done it! Martel's vessel is finally complete!**"

"Hey, you bastard!" Sheena screeched, climbing onto the stage after Lloyd. "What're you gonna do with Colette??"

"He's going to take her to heaven…" Raine said slowly, as she (being the only smart one in the group) led her brother up the stairs and onto the platform.

"No!" Lloyd stamped his foot and wailed like a three-year-old. "I don't want Colette to go to heaven! Bring her back, dammit!"

Remiel glared down at him. "**Silence, inferior being! This body is Martel's new vessel, which took years to complete! With this, I'll be promoted to one of the Four Seraphim! Like hell I'm gonna let you take her!**"

Lloyd growled. Then, without warning, he launched himself into the air and planted his sword into Remiel's shoe. The angel screamed in pain as he was dragged to the floor with Lloyd. As soon as his red boots hit the floor, Lloyd started slashing and stabbing away at the angel.

Sheena hesitated only a second before she, too, charged at the holy blonde. She joined Lloyd with her paper-cutting madness, sending flecks of blood everywhere.

Just then, several bolts of lighting crashed down from above and zapped the poor angel senseless. Genis, who was standing not to far away and already beginning a new spell, chuckled evilly.

Raine sighed as she watched her idiots attack the angel. "We are _so_ going to hell for this…" she murmered. Then, she raised her staff into the air and performed one final spell. Lloyd and Sheena jumped away just in time to avoid the super-frying Photon spell, which engulfed poor Remiel's body and left him charred, bleeding, smoking, and oozing all at once.

"Take _that_, ya stupid bastard!" Sheena yelled, kicking the angel viciously. Remiel groaned pathetically.

"Colette! HEY, COLETTE!" Lloyd shouted up the Chosen. Colette didn't do anything, except bleed a little more from the ears.

"Colette…" Lloyd gasped. "Have you… really forgotten me?"

"You're wasting your time." Said a deep and mysterious voice from behind the group. Well, OK, it wasn't really that mysterious.

"Kratos!" Lloyd cried before he'd even turned around.

"Hey, where the hell have you been, dude?" Genis snapped. He glared down at Kratos, who stood beneath the stage where the group had been not too long ago.

Kratos ignored them. "Not only does the Chosen lack any memories of you, but she's also lost the soul to hear your words."

"Kratos! You missed so much, man!" Lloyd yelled down to the mercenary.

"Yeah!" Sheena nodded. "Look: that Remiel bastard is-"

"Just shut up, all of you!" Kratos yelled, making one of his trademark scary faces. Everyone fell silent. "We will now take Colette with us, so that she can be reborn as Martel. _Please_ don't resist."

"Kratos!" Genis shouted. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Listen to us, dammit!" Lloyd added loudly.

"**Lord Kratos…**" Came Remiel's burnt, but still angelic, voice from behind the group. They spun around again as the angel crawled towards the edge of the stage. "**Lord Kratos, please! H-help me!**"

Kratos crossed his arms and eyes Remiel with a look of disgust. "I never liked you, Remiel." He said. The angel gave a gasp of pain before he collapsed. Kratos almost smiled.

"Kratos!" Lloyd tried one last time. "What was he talking about? Who… who _are_ you, Kratos?"

At last, the mercenary actually answered. As he spoke, his body started to glow in a very magical and sparkly way. "I am a member of Cruxis; the organization that governs this world."

The quartet gasped as one; with one final glow of magic, a pair of blue and somewhat droopy wings appeared on Kratos' back.

"I am one of the Four Seraphim, and…" He hesitated, glanced and Lloyd, and blushed like mad. "And… and, some other stuff, too…" he finished with a mumble.

"Holy shit!" Genis exclaimed.

"Kratos is an angel, too?" Raine gasped.

"You deceived us!" Sheena snapped.

"And your wings totally clash with that outfit." Lloyd pointed out. Everyone turned to look at him, except for Kratos, who started crying.

"Well, it doesn't matter!" Lloyd continued. He raised a fist in the air. "We beat the shit outta one angel, so we can kick Kratos' sorry ass too, right?"

"Wrong." Kratos said, using his newly grown wings to fly up onto the stage, where he was able to glare _down_ on his idiots, rather than _up_.

"Oh, yeah?" Lloyd challenged, backing away a bit and ripping out his swords. "And why's that?"

"Because," Kratos said with an exaggerated shrug. "Now, I don't have to keep up this stupid act anymore. Now, I can say stuff that I couldn't before."

"Say stuff? Like what?" Genis asked, halfway through summoning his kendama.

"Like this," Kratos cleared his throat. "Oh, holy ones, cast thy purifying light upon these corrupt souls!"

There was a moment of tense silence, during which the group exchanged confused glances.

"And, uh, what exactly does that mean?" Sheena asked.

"Rest in peace, sinners!" Kratos bellowed. Suddenly, four pillars of light shot down from heaven, blasting the hell out of our heroes. Colette quietly flew out of the way.

"O-ow…" Lloyd muttered, stumbling around a bit before falling flat on the ground. He heard the sound of a sword being unsheathed, and silently wished he hadn't let Kratos buy that new one from Asgard. The teen squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the worst… and waited… and kept waiting.

Confused, Lloyd twisted his head slightly to look up at the mercenary-turned-angel. Kratos had his sword out, and was holding in over his head in preparation to smite the poor scorched Lloyd, but… he wasn't _doing _it. And was it just Lloyd's imagination, or was the great angel Kratos shaking?

Lloyd didn't get a chance to prove his theory, because at that moment, there was another flash of light (they're becoming all too common these days) to the teen's right. He twisted around in that direction instead.

What he saw made him want to scream, cry, and gag all at the same time (none of which he could do, because his lungs didn't seem to be working so well after Kratos' attack). It was another angel, this one with waist-length blonde hair and enormous pink wings. Lloyd would have thought it was a girl, if it weren't for the extremely tight bodysuit the angel was wearing, which made it pretty obvious in several places that this angel was a guy. Lloyd shivered.

"I suppose even _you_ couldn't bring yourself to kill such an opponent," said the angel with a toss of his long hair.

Kratos sheathed his sword and dropped to one knee. "Lord Yggdrasill," he murmered in greeting. The angel known as Yggdrasill turned to what remained of the Judgment-blasted group.

"Oh, are you Lloyd?" he asked the teen, who was struggling to stand up.

"G-g-give me y-your name, and I s-sh-shall give you mine…" Lloyd stuttered, trying to make his torched lungs work properly.

Like most bad guys did when faced with Lloyd's infamous line, Yggdrasill laughed. "Come on, stupid. People need not introduce themselves to a _dog_."

Lloyd hacked up a cloud of ash.

"Fine then, _wretched human_. I shall tell you _my name_," The angel, whose name everyone should know by now, tossed his long hair with a sparkle. "I am _Yggdrasill_. Leader of Cruxis… _and_ the Desians! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!"

Raine tried to say something, but from beneath her brother's charred body, all that could be heard was a chalky sort of gasp.

"Indeed." Kratos agreed.

"Kratos, I _assume_ you have no problem with me killing these _jerkbutts_." Yggdrasill said.

"Not indeed." Kratos did not agree. Ygdrasill shot him a glare. "I mean, uh, indeed."

"Jerkbutts?" Lloyd repeated. He tried to come up with a great comeback, but his ears were currently too clogged with soot to think clearly.

Yggdrasill raised an arm elegantly. With a flash of light and another toss of his angelic hair, an ugly purple sword appeared in his hand. Sheena expected him to swing it, but instead he just sort of held it in the air. Then, he blasted the Chosen group into various walls using his awesome angel powers.

"Ugg…" Lloyd groaned. He struggled to stand up. Just then, a pillar cracked behind him and fell right on top of his poor beaten head. The teen was officially out of the running.

Fortunately, for some, at that moment help arrived! It was none other than that sidekick with the hair, Botta, followed by about fifty of his lackeys. Genis, who was currently the only of our heroes who was still conscious, was confused. He'd thought that Botta was a bad guy, but here he was, looking especially heroic.

"Damn! The Chosen has already lost her heart!" The sidekick-turned-hero growled. He turned to his army of lackeys. "We'll have to take her with us. Spread out, men! And Sally!"

The men and Sally scattered about the room. Some ran to take on the angels on the stage, who looked a bit annoyed. They were soon roasted. Some hoisted our beaten heroes to their feet and dragged them out of the tower. And the remainder surrounded the heartless Colette and started constructing a trail of Chosen-O's, which the angel followed silently.

About thirty seconds later, it was all over. The room was empty, save for Kratos and Yggdrasill. And a few dead soldiers.

"Aggh, Renegades!" The blonde spat. He clenched his fists and stomped his feet. "They're so annoying! But, it's OK, I guess. We can still fix this, right?"

Kratos didn't say anything. He was eyeing the place where Lloyd had last stood (lay) with a look that may have been longing. Ew.

"Right. You're such a good lackey, Kratos," Yggdrasill patted the older man's head. "Well, let us leave, then." With that, he tossed his hair one final time and vanished.

"Huh." Kratos said, still not looking away from the Lloyd shaped hole in the floor. "Saved by the Renegades. Don't die, Lloyd."

And, with that, Kratos exited our story for at least two chapters. Which is quite a while, thank you very much.


	31. Chapter 31

The Renegades operate on a weird combination of really high tech machinery and cheap ass shit made of duct tape and toothpicks. I think that Yuan probably blew his budget in the beginning, and then couldn't afford to keep up with it. I mean… I can't imagine the Renegades getting any sort of income, seeing as how they don't raid villages and whatnot like the Desians do. -shrug-

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-One**

When Lloyd finally woke up, the first thing he wanted to do was get a big cup of coffee and, if that didn't help with this monstrous hang-over, down about ten Aspirins. There were, unfortunately, two problems with this plan. The first was that Aspirin hadn't actually been invented yet in Sylvarant. The second was that there were three heads hanging over him, staring and otherwise creeping him out.

"WOOAARGH!" He hollered, jumping up and smacking foreheads with Genis. The elf dropped onto his butt and cried.

"Wha-what happened? Where are we?" Lloyd attempted to take in his surroundings, but couldn't really see past Sheena's boobs. They were kind of distracting.

"Lloyd, don't you recognize this place?" Raine asked. The swordsman shook his head, and the Professor sighed. "We're in Triet. This is where you were held after getting your ass kicked in the city."

"Eeeh?? The Desian base?" Lloyd squealed and hugged himself. "Oh, no! They're gonna get revenge for us blowing up all their ranches! We are so dead!"

Raine smacked him. "Shut up, Lloyd."

"These guys aren't Desians!" Sheena cried, sounding offended.

"Well, so-orry!" Lloyd shot back. He and Sheena had a short glaring contest, which the ninja won. Hands down.

"So, if they're not Desians…" Lloyd continued, back into the conversation. "Then, who are they?"

"So much happened at once…" Genis said, rubbing his sore brain. "I'm confused, too."

"Then let's recap what we've learned so far," Raine suggested, pulling out some notes.

"Ugh. You are such a teacher, Raine," Sheena sighed. Raine socked her.

"SO," The Professor cleared her throat and started. "First off, we went to the Tower of Salvation, where our asses were thoroughly kicked."

"I hear that," Genis grumbled, rubbing his sore ass tenderly.

"There, Kratos ditched us and grew wings, and Colette lost –"

"Oh!" Lloyd jumped out of bed. "That's right! Colette! Is she OK??"

Raine, looking a tad annoyed at being interrupted, pointed to Colette, who was standing in a corner looking bored.

"Colette!" Lloyd cried. He ran to hug his Chosen friend, but just as he reached her, the angel grabbed his arm and flung him across the room. Lloyd hit the floor with a shriek, and Colette went back to staring a hole in the wall.

"What the hell?" Lloyd gasped, sitting up. Colette didn't say anything.

"Yeah, Colette's kinda messed up," Sheena stated.

"She doesn't respond to anything we say!" Genis cried. "Except, y'know, when you try to touch her, and she kinda…"

Lloyd growled.

"Fine, Colette! Be that way! You're not getting any tonight, you bitch!"

Utter silence.

"Wh-what did you say?" Raine stuttered, too shocked to cause her student any form of bodily pain.

Sheena, who was shaking so hard that her boobs looked like a pair of giant Mexican jumping beans, looked both embarrassed and disappointed.

"You heard me!" Lloyd snapped. He stood up and dusted himself off angrily. "Colette isn't getting anything out of my secret candy stash from Asgard! Not a piece, ya hear??"

One could actually hear the collective sigh from the other side of the building.

"What did you guys think I meant?" Lloyd asked, looking confused.

"I'll tell you when you're older," Raine said, which was what she'd been telling him since the fourth grade. "Anyway… after Colette lost her soul, we were rescued by that sidekick Botta and a group who _looks_ like the Desians."

"But… they're not?" Lloyd asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Nope," Sheena shook her head. "They're actually called the Renegades. They've probably got a good reason for trying to look like Desians."

"Although, we don't really know what that reason is." Raine shrugged.

"So, we've got this secret organization…" Lloyd said slowly. "What'd they save us for? I thought they wanted to kill Colette and me!"

Genis nodded. "That's what I thought, too!"

Raine opened her mouth to answer, but was interrupted when the door behind her was opened with a crash.

" - And tell Louie to clean it all up! Yes, all of it! Aw, for the love of-" The soldier, who had been yelling over his shoulder, turned back to our heroes. "I swear, who hired this guy?"

"I know what you mean." Lloyd said with an exaggerated sigh. "What a bastard, huh?"

The soldier blinked (at least, it was assumed he blinked; it was hard to tell with the visor of his helmet down). "Eeeh… if you're all ready, the boss wants to see you now."

"Can't you see we're in the middle of a very important meeting?" Genis snapped. His sister slapped him.

"We'd love to meet your leader." She told the soldier, pushing her brother out of the way so that she could walk to the door. "Well?" she added impatiently, waiting out in the hallway.

"Um…" The soldier hesitated a second before he hurried out into the hallway after her, as did the rest of the group. Lloyd glanced over his shoulder at the last minute to see Colette following him, although rather distantly and with the same blank look she'd been sporting all chapter.

The group followed the nameless soldier through several high tech-ish hallways, until they finally reached a door with a keypad beside it. Their guide, who had already gotten into a shouting match with another soldier, punched the code in before pushing the group inside and screaming something very unpleasant down the hall. The door slammed shut behind our heroes, so they didn't get to hear what happened next. Lloyd was rather disappointed, but whatever.

"Oh, hello there!" said the blue-haired man from Chapter Five, quickly shoving something behind his back and turning to face the group. "I – ah – I see that you're awake."

Botta, who was standing next to his boss and trying oh-so-hard not to laugh, turned around as well. "G-g-good af-afternoon," he giggled.

"What's that?" Lloyd asked, pointing to the something that the bluehead was hiding behind his back.

"Nothing," The man quickly shoved whatever it was into his desk and adopted a serious face. "That's not important right now."

"Damn right," Genis agreed.

"What's going on? Who are you? Where do you stand on the whole Cruxis debate?" The Professor whipped out a notebook and started taking notes.

"My, aren't we inquisitive this morning?" Botta said with a smirk.

"It's not morning, dumbass. Pay attention," The leader snapped, and his sidekick's head drooped. The boss turned back to the quartet with a frown. "We are the Renegades, and we just saved your sorry asses. Thanks will be accepted in the form of checks or Gald."

Lloyd tossed him a coin. The man dropped it into a tin can on the desk behind him.

"So, what exactly are the Renegades?" Genis asked, crossing his stubby little arms and tapping his cute little foot.

"We are a secret organization devoted to stopping the rebirth of Martel, which is what Cruxis is after." Botta told them proudly.

"Shut up," His boss snapped. "Who's in charge here?"

The sidekick's pride visibly deflated. "Y-you are, Lord Yuan."

"Oooooh!" Lloyd squealed. "Your name's Yuan, eh??"

The bluehead, proven to be called Yuan, frowned. "Yeah. So what?"

Lloyd hesitated. "Ah… I dunno. It's an OK name, I guess…"

"Well, thank you." Yuan said.

"Hey!" Sheena snapped. "Waitaminute! That Yggdrasill guy, he said that he was in charge of Cruxis _and _the Desians!"

"Oh, yeah!" Genis nodded. "Does that mean that the holy group that the entire world worships both with prayer and huge-ass gald donations and the evil barbarians that everyone hates and fears are actually the same?"

"Yup," Yuan said with a nod. "The Cruxis is made up _almost_ entirely of half-elves, and they're in charge of the Desians."

"Half-elves?" Raine glanced up from her notes.

Botta nodded. "Yes. Pretty much all of Cruxis, the Desians, and we Renegades are half-elves."

"Except for that one guy," Yuan pointed out.

"And those two guys, and their sister, and that one with the hat," Botta started counting his fingers.

"And Private Murphy." Yuan added.

"Can't forget good ole' Private Murphy," Botta agreed with a smile.

"Hey! Pay attention!" Sheena spat. "The Desians and Cruxis, remember?"

Yuan frowned. "Uhm… well. They're all half-elves. And Yggdrasill's in charge. He's the one who split the world into two, and made them fight over mana, and all that crap."

"Ehh??" Lloyd gasped. "_Yggdrasill_ split the world in _two_??"

"That's not possible!" Genis shrieked.

"Not probable," Botta corrected.

"Shut up," Yuan snapped again. "It was possible for Yggdrasill. He used… special means to chop up the world. And here we are today."

"Woah…" Sheena mumbled.

"So…" Raine began, glancing over her notes. "You are a secret group of half-elves disguised as Desians who oppose the revival of Martel."

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Lloyd yelled, jumping up and down. "So that's why you were after Colette!"

"Precisely," Botta nodded. "Cruxis is attempting to revive Martel using the Chosen's body. Thus, the Chosen becomes an obstacle."

"Huh." Lloyd nodded.

"No, not huh." Raine snapped. "Creating a body whose mana signature matches the Goddesses correctly would take years of careful planning and even carefuller breeding. It seems pretty drawn out and complicated to me."

"Wow, you're pretty smart for an idiot," Botta said.

"You're the only idiot I see here," Yuan spat. His sidekick started crying.

"Why is Yggdrasill so obsessed with bringing back Martel?" Genis asked, waving his arms around.

"That's none of your freaking business," Yuan snapped. Then, he pressed a button on his desk, which pushed over a table which dropped a bowling ball which lifted a pulley which opened a door, through which about ten Renegades entered.

"What the hell??" Lloyd gasped as the soldiers surrounded him and his posse.

"But, now we don't need to worry about Martel _or _the Chosen!" Yuan said with an evil smile. "All we need is _you_, Lloyd Irving!"

"Eeuchk!" Lloyd squealed as the blue-head approached him. "Keep back, pedo! AAAIIIIIEEEEE!"

Lloyd's friends and the Renegades stood back and watched as Lloyd dropped to his butt and started kicking and squealing. Yuan groaned.

"That's _not_ what I meant, you – HOLY SHIT!"

Yuan toppled over holding his stomach, having been kicked by the screaming Lloyd. He proceeded to curl up into the fetal position and whimper.

"… that was low, Lloyd." Genis said.

"Yeah, not even he deserved that," Sheena agreed.

Lloyd finally calmed down. "Uh… oops?"

"No, wait! It's not that!" Botta cried, holding a finger in the air. "It's Lord Yuan's wound from Hima!"

"Hima?" Lloyd repeated. "So… you were that mysterious blue-haired assassin from the other night?"

"Gngnfnggghhhuuuggh…" Yuan moaned. He twitched a bit.

"Why did you try to kill Kratos? Why, huh? WHY??" Lloyd dropped to his knees and shook the half-elf's shoulders.

"Lloyd!" Sheena snapped. Lloyd looked up to see that all of his friends had run for it, leaving him alone in the room. The soldiers, shocked by the incredibly unfair attack on their leader, had let them right through, although they appeared more awake now and were advancing on Lloyd.

"SHEENA!" Lloyd screamed, backing away from the Renegades. "SHEENA, SAVE ME! CALL UPON ONE OF YOUR KICK-ASS ANIMAL FRIENDS!!"

Sheena nodded from the doorway and flicked out a handful of cards. Then she summoned… Corrine.

"WHAT THE HELL??" Lloyd stared at the furry little fox creature in shock. It stood a foot off the ground and wiggled its three puffy tails cheerfully.

"Are you… serious?" Botta gaped at the little fuzzball.

The sidekick and his mini army seemed shocked out of their silly little minds at the arrival of such an unthreatening creature. Even Yuan managed to twitch in Corrine's general direction. Lloyd ran for it.

"Hey, get back here!" Cried a Renegade. And that's when Corrine attacked.

"Holy shit…" Lloyd turned and watched the bloodbath in awe. Sheena groaned, grabbed the swordsman's hand, and dragged him away.

--

"So… what just happened?" Genis asked about an hour later, after the group had managed to get themselves pleasantly lost in the base.

"Beats the hell outta me," Lloyd shrugged. "What do they need me for, huh?"

"I wonder…" Raine tapped her chin thoughtfully. Lloyd let out a scream of rage.

"Dammit! These Renegades need to make up their freaking minds about whether they're our enemies or not!"

"Our actions aren't exactly predicable," Sheena pointed out. "I'm not sure if I'd wanna be on our side, either."

"Gee, that made a lot of sense," Genis growled sarcastically.

"I don't think we're going to figure anything out right here," Raine said. She pointed to Colette, who'd been following the group with a glazed over look in her red eyes for the entire chapter. "Right now, we need to figure out a way to help Colette."

"Colette!" Lloyd cried, running to embrace his buddy again. "What should we do, Colette?"

Colette socked him. Lloyd decided to keep his distance for a while.

"Sheena," Raine suddenly yelled in the ninja's direction. Sheena snapped to attention. "Where did you get your exsphere?"

"Eh?" Sheena looked confused. "Well, _that_ was a tiny bit out of the blue." She shrugged and continued. "I got it at the Imperial Research Academy in Meltokio. That's in Tethe'alla." She added, seeing the group's confused looks.

"Hm…" Lloyd said, stroking his chin.

Raine punched him. "Shut up, Lloyd. Sheena, is it normal for people to have exspheres equipped in Tethe'alla?"

Sheena shook her head. "No, not at all. See, the Renegades gave some exspheres to, like, me and the army and stuff. Nowadays, though, they're mostly used on machines."

"Wh-wha-wait!" Lloyd threw up his hands and shook his head. "Did you say the _Renegades_ gave you exspheres??"

Sheena nodded.

"So… does that mean that the Renegades and Tethe'alla are on the same side?" Genis asked, scratching his head.

"No! Of course not! That's ridiculous!" Sheena laughed and waved a hand. "Although… it was the Renegades who provided us with the technology to create exspheres. Plus, it was they're idea to assassinate the Chosen. And they helped me get here. Oh, and-"

"So, basically…" Genis summed up. "The Renegades are _using_ Tethe'alla."

"Hey!" Sheena fumed, until she realized that he was right.

"So, you have advanced exsphere over in Tethe'alla, right?" Raine asked the ninja politely. Sheena nodded. "Well, that's just perfect."

"What's just perfect?" Lloyd asked.

"That," Raine said, holding up a finger. "We can go to Tethe'alla and get help from the researchers there, and maybe they'll know a way to cure Colette."

"Genius!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"Of course!" Sheena agreed.

"Wait!" Genis piped up. "That's great and all, but how the hell are we supposed to _get_ to Tethe'alla in the first place?"

The group blinked. They stopped to ponder that.

"Huh…" Lloyd scratched his chin. "Well, Sheena got here on those retarded things, right?"

"Rheairds!" the ninja snapped. "They're called Rheiards, and yes, that's how I got here."

Lloyd and Genis both snickered at the almost-insulting name.

"Anyway, the Renegades should have some retar- I mean, Rheiards somewhere in the base." Sheena shrugged. "We could always steal those."

Raine nodded. "Yes, that sounds like a good plan."

"Does anyone besides me feel even the tiniest bit bad for stealing from this hardworking organization that seems to have the same ideals as us?" Genis asked.

He was ignored.

--

After another hour or so of searching and Renegade-avoiding, our heroes found themselves in a large room that Lloyd thought he might have recognized from his first visit to the base. There was a large, technical-looking computer along the wall and big hole in the middle of the floor.

"Wo-aow!" Lloyd gasped, scurrying into the room.

Raine calmly walked past him and towards the large computer. It appeared to be high-tech and expensive, but upon closer examination it appeared to be held together with duct tape. She eyed it suspiciously before she reached out and started computing.

Meanwhile, the children were leaning over the hole and throwing in stuff to see how deep it was. After he failed to hear the sound of a pen, a clipboard, an abandoned shoe, and three paperclips hitting the bottom, Lloyd tried tossing in Colette. The angel looked bored as she flew out of the hole and punched her old friend in the face.

"OK, I got it," Raine announced. Just then, there was a rumble from deep inside the hole and a red Rheiard popped out. Lloyd immediately climbed on.

"Ready to go, everyone?" He asked excitedly.

"We could use some Rheiards." Sheena replied dryly. A purple Rheiard popped out beside the red one, and she jumped on.

Another device, blue, jumped out like a toaster pastry and Genis hurried to claim it. Raine carefully guided Colette onto a pink Rheiard using a trail of Chosen-Os before claiming the orange one for herself.

"Hey!" Genis cried as Noishe jumped out of nowhere and climbed onto Lloyd's Rheiard. "We look like Power Rangers!"

And, on that insightful message, the five heroes and their dog shot out of the Rheiard garage and into the great unknown.

And then they crashed.


	32. Chapter 32

Argh. I have writer's block on chapter thirty-seven. It's not even a boring part! STOP READING SO FAST YOU GUYS

Also, it was very fun to write Zelos in this chapter. I love that little manwhore. –heart-

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

Once upon a time, there was a furry little fox named Mr. Foxy-poo. One day, Mr. Foxy-poo ignored his mommy's warnings and wandered farther away from his hole in the wall than ever before.

"Hey, this isn't so bad," Mr. Foxy-poo said as he stood atop a big mountain and looked down upon the whole world.

Then, six Rheiards crashed into Mr. Foxy-poo and squashed him into a pancake.

"Wooo, what a rush!" Lloyd cried as he pulled himself out of the smoldering remains of magitechnology and fox guts.

"Rush, my ass!" Sheena squeaked from where she was pinned beneath Noishe. She tugged herself out, knocking the doggy-thing into a bush. "Look; our rides are busted!"

"Indeed," Raine agreed. She dusted some dust from her pants, which didn't make much of a dent in the mud caked upon her whole elven body. Still, she stood up and tried to look indifferent as she took in the group's surroundings. "Where are we?"

"Tethe'alla?" Genis asked hopefully. Colette, who had been pinned beneath the elf, emotionlessly shoved him aside and went to stand several yards away. Her wings wavered gently in the wind.

Sheena watched her for a moment before she said: "Yeah… I think we're probably on the continent of Fooji. See, you can see Meltokio from here." She pointed off the cliff into the distance, where a city about twenty-thousand bazillion times bigger than Palmacosta sat.

"Mel-tokee-oh?" Lloyd repeated, choking over the foreign words. "Fooo-gee?"

The ninja shrugged. "Probably."

The group looked around, taking in the sights.

"HEY!" Genis suddenly shrieked, scaring the bajeebers out of his friends. "Isn't that the Tower of Salvation??"

"Yup," Sheena said proudly. She grinned at the really really really really really really really really really really _really _tall building smugly.

"But, how??" Lloyd exclaimed, waving his arms in the air. "Aren't we in Tethe'alla??"

"Well, yeah," The ninja shrugged. "The Tower appears in the flourishing world, right?"

"Yeah, but…" Genis sputtered incoherently for several seconds. "Wh-what about the area around the Tower? Is it called the Holy Ground of Kharlan, too?"

"Mm hm…" Sheena nodded again, a bit flustered by all the questions. "The Holy Ground of Kharlan is where the hero Mithos formed the treaty that ended the Ancient War."

"But, how can that be?" Raine asked, rubbing her chin. "That's the same story as in Sylvarant."

"Well, yours is probably a fake," Sheena said with a shrug.

"Why do you just _assume_ that??" Genis yelled, apparently very proud of his own world. "I bet _yours_ is fake!"

"Nuh-uh! We've got proof!"

"So do we!!"

"Hey, wait you guys," Lloyd interrupted. He crossed his arms and pulled a thoughtful expression. "I just thought… couldn't both of them be real?"

"Lluh-_oyd_!" Genis snarled. "That's not _possible_!"

"Yeah, Lloyd!" Sheena barked. "Just butt out, would you??"

The swordsman backed away with his hands held up. "Ah… don't get mad, dude. I was just… kinda, talkin'."

"This is stupid. We shouldn't sit here and argue about crap." Raine sighed. "Sheena, where do we go from here?"

Sheena huffed and crossed her arms before answering. "We should try and get off this mountain. Then we can go to the Imperial Research Academy so we can ask them about Colette's Cruxis Crystal. Oh, wait…" She tapped her chin. "I guess we'll need to go to Meltokio first and get permission from the King and all that."

"Aw, man!" Lloyd moaned, holding his head in his hands. "I though we'd finally gotten away from these long-ass to-do lists!"

"Shut up," Raine and Genis both spat at the same time. Then, the group started the long and dangerous trek down the mountain.

--

The sun was high in the sky when the group had finally reached level ground. After that, it was relatively easy to locate and head towards the enormous city known as Meltokio. As the group finally reached the huge walls that enclosed the city, the Sylvarantians oohed and aahed while Sheena proudly led the way through the gate.

"Well," she said, stopping in the middle of a very busy square. "This is where I leave you."

"Huh??" Lloyd and Genis gasped at the same time. "But… why??"

Sheena blushed a bit at all the attention she was getting. "Oh, well, I've got to go report to my chief. You know, 'cause I didn't exactly kill the Chosen like I was supposed to." She turned and looked at Colette (who was currently kicking dogs who came too close) before, with a shake of her head, she looked back at the boys and Raine.

"So, if you just keep going up," She pointed to some stairs behind her. "You'll eventually get to the castle. When you get there, use my name to get an audience with the King." She hesitated. "That's _Fujibayashi_," She said slowly. "Sheena Fujibayashi."

"Foo-joo… Foo-jee…" Lloyd sputtered.

"Foo-joo-boob…" Genis tried.

Raine sighed. "Fujibayashi. I got it."

Sheena looked relieved. "OK, then when you get there, give the King this letter." She held out said letter to Lloyd, thought better of it, and handed it to Raine instead.

"A letter?" Genis asked skeptically. "How far have you been planning ahead, exactly?"

The ninja frowned. "I wrote it when you guys had to stop and examine that stupid flower."

"It was a brand new specimen, the likes of which I've never seen!" Raine cried.

"I realize now that I have so much more to learn about the world I live in!" Genis agreed, just like the honor roll dork he was.

"It looked like a _penis_!" Lloyd laughed loudly.

Sheena rolled her eyes. "Well, I guess I'll leave you guys to ponder those deep thoughts." She started to leave.

"Wait!" Lloyd cried, suddenly very dramatic. "Will we ever see you again, Sheena-chanchan?"

The ninja blushed and didn't turn around. "I-I dunno. Maybe. And don't call me that!"

"Then we won't say goodbye," Raine said, also very serious.

"See you later, Sheena!" Genis added.

"…" said Colette. She looked in the general direction of her ninja buddy, so it could have been interpreted as a goodbye.

"… yeah, see ya." Sheena mumbled before she took off out of the city. The Sylvarantians looked after her sadly.

"I'm going to miss that girl," Raine sighed.

"I'm gonna miss that rack!" Lloyd snickered. The Professor smacked him.

"Well, let's get going then." Genis said, starting up the long flight of stairs that stretched out before them.

Several long and sweaty minutes later, the group pulled themselves onto level ground.

"Damn!" Lloyd gasped, dropping to his butt. He was immediately trampled on by about twenty rushed-looking business people.

"It sure is crowded here!" Genis cried, clinging to his sister's hand so he didn't get lost.

Colette, who had scaled the stairs without even blinking an eye, kept walking right on through the crowd. The boys and Raine quickly hurried after her.

They finally found themselves in a relatively clear area, and paused a moment to take in the great Tethe'allan sights.

"This place is killer!" Lloyd exclaimed, coming up with yet another lame description.

"Yeah," Genis agreed. "Look'it how tall the buildings are!"

Just then, Colette crashed through a group of girls, all of whom but one were dressed in very frilly and skanky dresses.

"Hey!" One snapped. "Watch where you're going, stupid!"

Colette paused and turned around to eye the girls blankly. Lloyd, sensing trouble, hurried up to join the fight.

"Look, you stupid whore, you got mud on my brand freaking new dress!" Another girl groaned. Colette blinked.

"Look at this idiot." The third girl sniggered. "It's not even festival time, and yet she's wearing an angel costume. How _stupid_ can you get?"

"Hey, lay off!" Lloyd cried, trying to worm his way between the fighting girls. He was briskly shoved off. Lloyd knew very little about women.

"Are you gonna say anything, angel-girl?" The first slut challenged. Colette yawned. "Ugh, what a hag."

"What did you say??" Genis cried, furiously running up to Lloyd's side. He was tired of watching Colette get her metaphorical butt kicked.

"Chill out, Genis," Lloyd said coolly. He continued, keeping one eye on the girls to make sure he didn't lose their limited attention. "She's obviously never looked in a mirror before."

Genis giggled.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY??" The girls all shrieked at once.

"You're all acting like children," Raine sighed, stepping between the fighting kids.

"Yes, everybody calm down." Said the last girl. She tossed her red, curly locks and turned around to face Colette and reveal that she was not, in fact, a girl.

"WOAH!" Lloyd shrieked and pointed at the man dressed in pink. "LADY'S A DUDE!"

The man ignored him. "Are you alright, my adorable little angel?" He asked Colette. He reached out to pat her head, give her a hug, or perhaps do something much much worse. No one ever found out, because before he could do anything Colette had grabbed his wrist and thrown him across the square.

"HOLY SHIT!" The frilly girl squealed. "MASTER ZELOS!"

The man - Zelos, apparently – managed to land on his feet before he looked back at the women and Lloyd. "Woah! That… was a bit shocking." He fixed his hair and carefully made his way back to his harem, now keeping several feet between himself and Colette. "You sure are strong, my little angel."

Colette squashed a beetle beneath her foot.

"Who… who the hell are you?" Lloyd asked, flabbergasted at this crazy lady-dude's behavior.

Zelos eyed him coldly. "No offense, dude, but I'm not really interested in talking to dudes."

Lloyd and Genis both let their jaws drop to the floor. Zelos flounced up to the Professor.

"Hello there, cutie. What's your name?"

Raine crossed her arms. "Give me your name, and I shall give you mine."

"Wh-what??" Zelos gasped and held a hand to his pink-clad chest. "You mean, you don't _know_ me?? Even after my adorable little Dolores here screamed my name?"

"Master Zelos!" Dolores squealed, blushing a bit. "Let's get out of here!"

"Ah, very well." Zelos paused to wink at Raine and Colette. "I'll catch you later, my cool beauty, my adorable little angel." He stalked off, followed by his whores.

"Oh," he added over his shoulder. "And you… other people."

And then he was gone.

Lloyd gaped. "What… the… _fuck?_"

"That… was really weird." Raine agreed.

Genis, who was a bit angry over someone flirting with his sister, snarled. "What an ass. I hate him already!"

"Zelos…" Raine repeated the name. "What a weirdo."

"Hey, Professor!" Lloyd squealed, suddenly remembering a certain part of the previous conversation. "You stole my line!!"

"Oh, yes," Raine waved her hand airily. "Thank you for that, Lloyd, but I don't believe I shall be using it again."

Lloyd shrugged. "Actually, now that I hear someone else say it, it sounds kinda arrogant."

Genis frowned. "Well, I hope we don't run into him again."

Everyone agreed. Then, they continued their trek towards the castle.

--

"Whaddya _mean_, we can't go in??" Lloyd squealed about an hour later, when the group had finally reached and castle. They were disappointed to find that they were denied entrance.

"I mean, you can't go in," said the guard on the left.

"The King is currently sick, and he doesn't want to see anyone," continued the guard on the right.

"B-but-but-!" Lloyd stuttered. "Sheena sent us! Sheena Foo… Fee…"

"Foo-jay-boo… Foo-jee-bah…" Genis tried.

"Fujibayashi." Raine sighed.

The guards looked at each other. "Fujibayashi?" the guard on the left repeated. "Isn't that…?"

"The one with the melons…?" the guard on the right asked. Beneath their face-concealing helmets, both men grinned.

"Yes," Genis sighed. "That's her."

"Well, you still can't go in, even if the busty ninja _did_ send you," Righty said, stamping his spear against the ground in finality.

Lloyd pouted. "But-!"

"Look!" Lefty groaned. "The Church of Martel is currently praying for the quick recovery of the King. If you've got a problem, take it up with _them_."

"Like that'll help us…" Genis grumbled. Still, they turned to find the church, seeing as they had no other choice. As they headed down a smaller flight of stairs, they passed another pair of guards, who relieved the previous guards of their post. The trio took note of this, in case they needed to come back and annoy the new guards.

When they entered the Church, they were surprised to find it incredibly similar to the churches back in Sylvarant, sans the expensive decorations and enormously high roof. They hurried up the steps to find a priest who was standing near the back of the church, looking bored.

"Excuse me," Raine asked, shoving Lloyd and Genis aside. They stood back to brood with Colette.

"Eeh?" The priest looked up at Raine. "How can I help you?"

"We need to see the King, asap. How long 'till he gets better?"

The priest smiled. "The grace of Martel will surely shine upon-"

"Fuck you, old man!" Lloyd shouted. Raine shot him a glare, and he shut up.

The priest looked a bit distracted. "Ah, that is… eh… oh, Presea!" He looked over the quartet's heads to someone standing near the church entrance. The boys and Raine spun around to see a pink-haired little girl dragging a humongous log behind her.

"…Yes." Said the girl, with about as much enthusiasm as the log she was carrying.

"That sacred wood goes to the King's chambers." The priest told her. "Take it into the castle, OK, Presea?"

Presea nodded and exited the church.

"W-woah!" Genis gaped. "She's a babe!"

Lloyd blinked. "Dude, she's like… eight."

"Yeah." Genis nodded vaguely. "She's really cute."

Lloyd rolled his eyes.

"So, let me get this straight," Raine turned to the priest. "Presea is taking the wood into the castle?"

"Eh? Yes, of course."

"So, she's taking it _in_ to the castle, where we are not allowed to enter, correct?"

"Yes, but-" the priest didn't get a chance to finish; the group had already ran after the pig-tailed little girl.

"H-hey, Presea!!" Genis called as they ran out of the church and after the girl.

Presea turned. "… Yes."

"Hi!" Lloyd waved. "My name's Lloyd! And this is Colette, and Professor Raine, and this is-"

"Genis!" The elf cut in. "M-m-my name's Genis!!"

Lloyd turned. "Hey, Genis, are you blushing?"

Genis ignored him. "Can we help you carry that big-ass log?"

Presea regarded the group for a moment, and then walked away.

"W-wait!" Genis stuttered, scurrying after her.

"Look, kid," Raine snapped. "We need to sneak into the castle, so we want to pretend to be helping you."

"Please?" Lloyd asked as nicely as he could manage.

Presea didn't say anything.

"Um… it would really help us out." Lloyd continued uncomfortably.

Presea didn't say anything.

"A-are you even listening?" Lloyd asked.

"… Please carry that." The girl finally spoke.

"Huh?" Lloyd blinked. "Oh, the log! Right, thanks!" He and Genis ran up to help. And failed.

"What the fuck?" Genis gasped, straining to lift the log.

"Grrr!" Lloyd snarled as he tried to use his elbow as a lever. "This thing's freakin' heavy!"

Presea watched the boys struggle for a second, then calmly grabbed the log in one hand and dragged it away.

Lloyd and Genis stared after her.

"I can feel the testosterone vanishing as we speak."

"I just got showed up by a pigtailed eight-year-old."

Raine sighed. "Men are so useless these days."

The boys laughed nervously, punched each other's arms to try and feel more manly, then hurried after Presea.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Lloyd said brightly as they joined Presea before the castle gates.

Presea didn't say anything.

"Who're you?" Asked the new guard on the right.

"We're w-with Presea!" Genis said, blushing a bit.

"Huh?" New Righty frowned. "But… it's always just Presea…"

Everyone looked at the child.

"Today is… special." She finally said monotonously.

"See? _See_?" Lloyd pressed.

"OK, OK." Lefty held up his hands defensively. "Go on in."

The boys giggled and exchanged a high-five. Then, the group scurried past the guards and into the castle.

"…are lumberjacks all women and children these days?" asked the guard on the left.

"Seriously," agreed the guard on the right. "What a messed up world we live in."

And, on that insightful comment, the chapter ended.


	33. Chapter 33

My "Idiots" folder is getting far too big. It's hard to navigate.

On another note, I find that I've become rather fond of April and Vinnie, in all their adorable scientificness. I love giving random NPCs personalities. X3

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

The group entered the castle with yet another eruption of _ooh_s and _aah_s, save for Presea and Colette, who were having a staring contest.

"So, what now?" Lloyd asked once he'd finally stopped ogling over the fancy castle.

"Now, we should try and locate the King." Raine nodded, wishing that her brother's map included directions to the ruler of Tethe'alla.

"W-wh-what about Presea?" Genis asked, once again stuttering and blushing.

"Uh…" Lloyd scratched his head. "Well, I guess she'll hafta come with us."

"Yes," Raine agreed. "It would be suspicious to send her back alone. Is that alright with you, Presea?"

Presea didn't even look up from Colette's nose. "Yes."

"Alright!" Genis cheered. He then ran off into the depths of the castle, and everyone else had no choice but to follow.

--

Several hours of aimless wandering and going around in circles later, the group finally found themselves before a large set of double doors. A sign hung next to it, reading "ROYAL CHAMBERS".

"That's where the king is, right?" Lloyd asked, pointing to the sign.

The Sage siblings shrugged. "I guess."

So, Lloyd charged through, taking out a very confused guard on his way.

The first thing the swordsman saw when he entered the room was the dude-lady Zelos from outside. He gave a squeak of fear and tumbled back onto Presea, who had entered behind him.

"Uncomfortable position." The girl said from beneath Lloyd. "Immediate removal is necessary."

"What are you people doing here??" Zelos shrieked, apparently as scared as Lloyd had been.

"Chosen One," said a rather ugly old man in a hat. "Do you know these people?"

Genis, Lloyd, and Raine all exchanged horrified stares.

"Y-you're Tethe'alla's Chosen??" Lloyd sputtered, pointing at the redhead in shock.

Zelos grinned and struck a pose. "That's right! I'm the great Zelos Wilder, Chosen of – wait, what?"

"'Tethe'alla's Chosen'?" Repeated a priest who was standing at the ugly man's elbow. "Does that mean that you all are from…?"

"Sylvarant! Yeah!" Genis threw a fist in the air and cheered. His sister rolled her eyes.

"We are here on behalf of our dear friend, who is sick." She said. She tugged out the letter from Sheena and handed it to Zelos. "Our plight is (hopefully) described in this letter from Sheena Fujibayashi of Mizuho."

"Sheena?" Zelos repeated, looking suspicious. He glanced over at Lloyd. "What's your relationship with Sheena?"

"We can't pronounce her last name." Genis said with a shrug.

"She just likes me for my body." Lloyd said with a similar, yet oh-so different, shrug.

Raine smacked him. The old man in the hat sputtered in confusion as he read the letter.

"Th-th-this is all very s-sudden!" He declared. The priests around him nodded in agreement. "Wait in the Red Room for us to decide what we shall do with you!"

Lloyd eyed the man skeptically. "Are you the King?"

"N-no!" The man looked even more confused. "I-I'm the Pope, leader of-"

"Yeah, yeah." Lloyd waved a hand in the Pope's face. "But, see, we really need that letter to get to the _King_, see?"

"Lloyd," Genis grabbed his friend's elbow and dragged him out of the room. "You can't go around insulting the leader of the religious world!"

"Yeah. So…" Lloyd frowned. "What is a Pope, again?"

"We'll wait for your decision," the Professor said, determined to leave the room on good terms. "Thank you."

She ushered the girls out after the boys. Then, they got lost all over again looking for the Red Room.

--

"They sure are making us wait a long time…" Lloyd mumbled from where he sat on a red bed. Genis nodded across the red carpet where he sat in a red chair.

Raine looked up from the red painting she had been examining. "Do you think we're in the right room?"

Genis looked around the red room. "Well, I hope so."

The Professor shrugged. "They may be preparing to kill us."

"OH NO!" Lloyd shrieked. He jumped to his feet and glomped onto the emotionless Chosen. "WHAT'LL WE DO, COLETTE??"

If he was expecting some sort of friendly reaction from the blonde, he was sorely mistaken. The angel tossed him away with relative ease.

"Well, if they try anything funny, I'll protect you, Colette!" He called, trying to regain some dignity.

Genis flushed. "O-oh! A-a-a-a-an-and, I-I-I'll protect y-y-you, P-P-P-Pr-Pre-Pr-Presea!"

Presea blinked. "No."

"H-huh?"

Just then, about twelve soldiers marched in, followed by the Pope and Zelos.

"Ug, there you are!" Zelos exclaimed, looking flustered. "Don't you know you guys are in the wrong room?"

The Sylvarantians all glanced at each other. "…really?"

The Pope sighed. "Yes. You were supposed to go to the _Red_ Room. This is the Red-_Orange_ room."

The trio could think of no acceptable answer to this. Fortunately, the Pope spoke again, so they didn't have to.

"OK!" He said to the soldiers who had accompanied him. He pointed at the group. "Slaughter 'em!"

"E-eh??" Lloyd shrieked and leapt to hide behind Colette. The angel sighed and kicked the ass of every soldier present.

"O-oh…" The Pope frowned, looking down on his fallen soldiers. "Well, this stinks."

"Yeah!" Genis and Lloyd exchanged high-fives.

"So…" Zelos started a different tactic. "What was it you guys wanted, again?"

"We want to save Colette here!" Lloyd cried, pointing at the emotionless angel. "Her Cruxis Crystal is all screwy, and she lost her SOUL!"

He put extra emphasis on the last word, in case the story didn't sound believable enough.

"Hm…" the two holy men scratched their chins thoughtfully.

"She lost her soul while trying to save Sylvarant, correct?" The Pope finally asked. The boys and Raine nodded. "So, by saving _her_, you'll be endangering Sylvarant and saving Tethe'alla, huh?"

The boys hesitated.

"I… didn't think of that…" Genis admitted.

"It doesn't matter." Raine said with a wave of her hand.

"Pro-fes-sor!" Lloyd whined. "Ho-ow can you say that??"

Raine smacked the teen, because she hadn't done so in several pages. "That doesn't matter right now. We can figure out how to save the world later, but right now Colette takes priority."

Lloyd pouted, rubbing his injured head.

"So? What's the verdict?" The Pope pressed.

"Ehh…" Lloyd shrugged. "I guess we're gonna do what the Professor says."

"Hey, Pope-y!" Zelos chimed, holding a hand up in the air. "I've got a great idea!"

The Pope twitched a bit, but tried to smile in the Chosen's direction. "And what might that be, Chosen One?"

"_I'll_ keep an eye on these guys, and make sure they don't do anything bad." He smiled mischievously. "Unless, of course, I approve…"

Raine twitched. Genis watched her with confusion.

"That's good with us." Lloyd said, without asking his friends for their opinion. He looked around a bit. "So… should we go?"

"Are you kidding?" Zelos looked offended. "I have to get ready! These are _not_ good walking shoes! Plus, I've got to fix my hair, and say goodbye to all my hunnies, and-"

"So… we'll meet you somewhere later?" Lloyd tried again.

Zelos frowned. "How about at the Church of Martel?"

"Sounds good." Genis said. "OK, guys, let's get going!"

He cheerfully led the way past the dead soldiers and holy men.

Then, for (hopefully) the last time, the Sylvarantians got hopelessly lost trying to get out of the castle.

--

Once the quintet reached the church, they settled down to wait for Zelos to come.

And they waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And after all that waiting, Zelos still hadn't shown up. The boys had taken to terrorizing the various worshipers with tales of ten-foot tall, long-haired, man-eating angels, while Professor Sage attempted to take a nap on a pew. Presea and Colette hadn't moved since they arrived, and Lloyd had a suspicion that they hadn't blinked in that time, either.

Finally, with a flourish and a bang, the Chosen of Tethe'alla burst through the large church doors. He strutted between the pews, flashing smiles at any female he came across and tossing his long hair over his shoulders.

"Hey, hunnies!" He bellowed, waving. Lloyd blinked. Did he mean them?

"Uh, hey!" He called back. Zelos gave him a look of disgust. He peeked over his sunglasses at the group and heaved a sigh.

"I _swear_," He said, pulling off his sunglasses and waving them in the air. "Are those the same clothes you were wearing the _last_ time I saw you?"

Lloyd glanced down. His red shirt was caked in mud and skid marks from when he crash-landed on Mt. Fooji, his hiked-up jeans were grimy from the battle with Undine back in Sylvarant, and his once-white scarves were bloody from when Kratos cut his head off.

Lloyd looked back up at Zelos. "No."

"Screw this," Raine spat, stepping between the boys. She then stepped behind Lloyd again, where she felt a bit more protected from Zelos' licentious stare. "We need to get to the Imperial Research Academy, ay-sap."

"W-wait a minute!" Genis waved his arms in the air. "What about Presea?"

"Oh, yeah…" Zelos turned and grinned down at the child. "Heeeeey, little girl. Aren't you a pretty one?"

Everyone stared at Zelos for a minute or two, each of them feeling a bit violated, as if they had been verbally raped. Even Colette twitched a bit. Finally, Lloyd spoke.

"Uh, where exactly do you want to go, Presea?" he asked, mentally praying, for Presea's sake, that it was far away from Zelos.

"I want… to go home." The little girl spoke, already recovered from Zelos' molestation.

"And that is… where, now?" Raine asked with a roll of her eyes.

Presea didn't speak for about three minutes. "…Ozette." She finally said.

Zelos nearly toppled backwards over a pew. "OZETTE??" He repeated with a shrill shriek. "That city out in the boondocks - I mean, out the forest??"

Presea blinked. "…yes."

"Oh, how _sad_." Zelos straightened himself. "You're being used by these uncivilized barbarians!"

Lloyd's eye twitched a little. "C-can we leave, please?"

"Sounds good," Raine replied, cracking her knuckles to try and distract them from connecting with Zelos' nose. The redhead noticed this and frowned.

"Wait!" He held his hands up in defense. "I still have to learn all my hunnies' names!"

The conscious Sylvarantians retched. Zelos pointed a finger at Presea first. "I know the adorable little cutie, Presea. And this beautifully energetic angel is Colette, right?"

Both girls gave the redhead a look that would have scared any man stiff. Fortunately, Zelos was too dumb to notice. He looked at the Professor next. "And this super-sexy babe is Raine, right?"

This time she really did punch him. Zelos tried to laugh off the bloody nose he was now struggling to stop

"Eh, OK!" He raised a bloody finger in the air and crowed; "Now begins the amazing adventures of the great Zelos and his hunnies!"

"But, you didn't name me an' Ge-" Lloyd started, but Zelos had already marched out the door, laughing and bleeding and making a total ass of himself. Everyone rolled their eyes and followed him out of the church.

--

After navigating their way out of Meltokio (which almost made everyone thankful that Zelos was tagging along… _almost_), the group headed away from the city and towards the ocean. It was a relatively short walk, and very soon they had reached a huge structure that Zelos claimed was a bridge, but Lloyd had a hard time believing him.

"Isn't this too big to be a bridge, Professor?" He asked when the road they were following suddenly changed from dirt to something that Zelos called 'pavement'. As in, "Oh, thank Martel we're finally walking on _pavement_, my shoes are completely ruined!".

Raine was staring at the mass of poles and wires and supports with a loving gaze and a glint in her eye that usually signified danger, so Lloyd let her be.

"Listen up, bumpkins!" Zelos announced, turning to face the aptly named bumpkins as they stood beneath the towering suspension bridge. "This is the largest bridge in Tethe'alla! It connects the continents of Fooji and Sybak! Partway through is a drawbridge, a mechanical marvel; powered by one thousand exspheres!"

He spread his arms as if expecting applause, but it didn't come. The Sylvarantians had paled significantly and were exchanging disgusted looks.

"One thousand exspheres?" Genis repeated with a shudder.

"One thousand human lives." Lloyd corrected. He shivered a bit too, remembering the human-in-a-tube factory they'd found at the Asgard Human Ranch. He tried to remove the image by remembering cutting off Kvar's head, and it kinda helped.

"Human lives?" Zelos asked, ignoring Lloyd's dreamy look to ask Raine instead. "What are you freaks talking about?"

Raine sighed. "I guess there's no point in keeping it from you…" She began. Then she continued with the whole gruesome tale of the exsphere, which has taken thirty-three chapters to tell and there's no way in hell the author is gonna repeat it.

"Fucking sick, man." Zelos shuddered after Raine had finished her story. "That's a totally morbid story."

Everyone nodded sadly.

"Oh well!" the redhead continued with a laugh. "No use worrying about what's already happened, right?"

More eye rolling. It was decided that no more sad stories would be shared with Zelos, because he was too stupid to care. The Chosen's group headed over the dead-human-powered bridge and into the continent of Sybak.

--

Unlike Meltokio, the city of Sybak was small, unprotected, and full of smart people. Strangely, Lloyd felt a bit out of place here.

It didn't take long for the assemblage to find the Research Academy, because it was pretty much the basis for the whole city. It also didn't take long to find someone to help them out, thanks to what Zelos called "connections".

"Oh, Chosen One!" a woman, probably a scholar, exclaimed with a blush as the group was led into a room by another scholarly woman. The woman dropped what she was doing and ran up to Zelos. "W-welcome! How can we help you?"

Zelos casually slung an arm over the scholar's shoulder. "Long time no see, April," he said, and the woman blushed even more. "I was wondering whether you could tell my friends and me a bit about these Cruxis Crystal doohickeys."

The Chosen's posse watched this procession with varying looks of disgust. Another scholar, male of course, shared in their revulsion as he stepped into the room.

"The Chosen's here… _again_?" he asked no one in particular. Lloyd patted his arm comfortingly.

"I'm really sorry, dude." He said before turning back to the display, where he was pretty sure something was about to happen; either April would spill, or she'd lose her shirt.

"Right, Cruxis Crystals…" she giggled and pulled away from Zelos, who tried not to look too disappointed. She stepped up to a weird projector thing that looked kind of similar to the thing Magnius had used back in Sylvarant. "Um, Vinnie, come help me with this thing…?"

The academic standing with the Chosen's group sighed before he crossed the room to help his fellow student. He paused for a second and to engage in a glaring contest with Zelos. That is, Vinnie glared at Zelos and Zelos eyed Vinnie up and down before deciding he wasn't worth it and glared back. Anyway, the scholars got the slideshow set up and began showing off their mad Tethe'allan geek skills.

"Wow, look!" Lloyd squealed like a little girl and pointed at the projection. "Look, Professor, it's an exsphere!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. Vinnie attempted to start up the presentation.

"Exspheres are basically rocks at first. They attach to humans to suck out their life and power up."

"They're like parasites!" April said cheerfully.

"Nasty…" Genis mumbled.

"A Cruxis Crystal is pretty much the same," April continued, pointing to the projection with a pencil. "Except it uses a special Key Crest to suck up humans more slowly, which makes the Cruxis Crystal more powerful."

"So…" The Professor said slowly. "If a Cruxis Crystal is just like an exsphere, all we have to do to make it wearable is make a Key Crest?"

"Correct!" Vinnie crowed. "Any Key Crest would do… probably."

April shrugged. "Actually, we're kinda still working on making Cruxis Crystals, so we're not entirely positive. A dwarf would probably know better than us, but…"

"Bunch'a tree huggers," Vinnie snarled, waving a fist in the air. "They refuse to contribute to science!"

"Well," Lloyd said with a shrug. "You're science _does_ involve sucking the life out of human beings."

April waved a hand at Lloyd and rolled her eyes. Vinnie leaned towards her and whispered, "Hippie".

"Anyways," Genis growled loudly. "We need to find a Key Crest now, right?"

"I can make one! I can make one!" Lloyd hollered, jumping up and down like an idiot. "Only… I kinda need inhibitor ore first…"

Zelos scoffed. "Psh. You suck, kid."

Raine calmly grabbed hold of Lloyd's scarves to prevent the teen from killing Zelos. "Well," she said, dragging Lloyd out of the room. "I guess we're off to find some inhibitor ore."

"Good luck!" Vinnie called, waving.

"Bye, Zelos," April gave the Chosen a little finger wave. Zelos blew her a kiss, and she passed out.

As the group left the laboratory, Vinnie idly popped little hearts that flew off his co-workers head.


	34. Chapter 34

Sorry, sorry. I suck, I know.

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

"So, now we need to find inhibitor ore again, huh?" Genis asked as the group stepped out of the Research Academy and into the sun. Lloyd and Raine nodded.

"Did someone say inhibitor ore??" A man asked, jumping onto the scene with a big backpack full of crap. Genis squeaked in fear and leapt into Lloyd's arms. Lloyd squeaked in fear and leapt into Genis' arms. All in all, it was a pretty messy situation.

"I've got some inhibitor ore right here!" The man continued over the tangled mess that was Lloyd and Genis. Thus said, he pulled the ore out of his pack o' crap.

"Yeah, that's what I need!" Lloyd cried, jumping to his feet. He tried to snatch up the ore, but the salesman held it out of his reach.

"This stuff doesn't come cheap, you know." He told the disappointed teen as he waved a finger in the air.

"But we need it for our friend, whose life depends on it!" Genis cried, widening his eyes to add to the cuteness effect. The man missed it, though, because at that moment his eyes turned into gald signs.

"Oh, it's important, huh?" He crooned. "In that case, maybe I'll have to up the price a bit…" He sniggered as the Chosen's posse collapsed in defeat.

Just then, Zelos sauntered up to the salesman, his eyes droopy and seductive. He nudged the man's side with his elbow and smiled. "Hey, buddy, why don't you lower the price a bit? I'll make it worth your while."

The man backed away several steps, sweating nervously. Zelos sighed.

"Damn it to hell. He's straight." The Chosen clapped his hands loudly. "Guess I'll have to do this the old fashioned way."

"Who the hell _are_ you, weirdo?" The salesman asked with a grimace.

"_I_ am the great Zelos Wilder! Chosen of Mana!" Zelos cried. Trumpets sounded and a holy light descended upon the redhead. Well… OK, not really. But wouldn't it be sweet if they did?

The salesman gasped and started sweating buckets. "Ch-ch-chosen??" He held the inhibitor ore in Zelos' face. "P-please take this piece of crap – I mean, great gift!"

Zelos laughed and took the ore. "Hey, thanks kid. I'll be sure and remember you."

The salesman sweatdropped but didn't say anything.

"Here ya go, Lloyd," Zelos said cheerfully, dropping the inhibitor ore into the teen's red hand. Lloyd was flabbergasted, so he took the ore and walked back into the Research Academy without a word. Zelos followed, optimistically boasting something about his "connections".

Professor Sage dropped her head into her hands. "How the hell did I end up with this band of nincompoops?" she mumbled to herself. Genis took her hand and gently lead her into the building, with the two robo-girls following silently.

--

A really really really long time later, Lloyd emerged from a borrowed lab with a new Key Crest, and Zelos emerged from a closet with the borrowed lab's owner. As the Chosen waved goodbye to his new "friend", Lloyd presented the Key Crest to his peers.

"That's not a Key Crest!" Genis pointed at the accessory accusingly. "That's a-!"

"A necklace, I know," Lloyd groaned. "I swear, how many times do we have to go over this?"

"Every time we get a new Key Crest, I assume," Raine said with a sigh. Then, she helped Lloyd place the necklace around Colette's neck. It was pretty hard to do, since the angel attacked anyone who came near her. At last, through the use of a stick and a pile of books, the accessory was around the Chosen's neck.

Several minutes passed in silence.

"… um, Lloyd?" Zelos asked slowly. "Nothing's happening."

"Es-tee-eff-you, Zelos!" Lloyd snapped, using a bit of chatspeak he'd picked up off the streets. He turned back to Colette, who was still smiling creepily with big red eyes and the hidden desire to kill something.

"Well… what now?" Genis asked grouchily.

"Uhm…" Lloyd shrugged. "Should we go back and ask some scientist to help us?"

"No, it's unlikely that they know anymore than we do," Raine said sadly. She tapped her chin in thought. "However… they did advise we ask a dwarf."

"Yeah! We could go ask Dad!" Lloyd said happily.

"OK!" Genis agreed. "Let's go back to Sylvarant!"

"Woah woah woah woah!" Zelos jumped between the Sylvarantian trio, holding his hands up. "You can't do that! I'm here to keep an eye on you, remember? And I say you can't go!"

"But Zeloooooos!" Lloyd whined. "It's for a good cause!"

"Yeah, Zelos," Genis added coyly. "Don't you want to save a cute girl like Colette?"

Lloyd snickered. "Dude, I can't believe you just called Colette cute."

"Tell me about it."

Zelos was looking indecisive. He glanced at Colette, who would probably be pretty cute when she wasn't trying to kill someone or sitting there like some weird robot. "Well…"

Raine sighed, rubbed her hands together, and tossed off her orange jacket. She then proceeded to throw herself upon Zelos, being extra careful to smoosh her boobs right in his face.

"Pleeeease, Zelos?" she pleaded, making her voice about an octave higher than usual. Zelos nearly collapsed in delight.

"O-OK, hunny!" He giggled. "Whatever you say, gorgeous!"

Raine smiled and then stepped back immediately. Fortunately, Zelos was too horny to notice her gagging in the corner as she pulled her coat back on. Lloyd and Genis exchanged glances.

"Have you noticed how totally disturbing this journey has gotten in the last few chapters?" Lloyd asked.

"Disgusting," Genis agreed, looking caught somewhere between horror at seeing his sister behave in such a way and the desire to kill a certain perverted redhead, who had started to drool.

Just then, a pair of heavily clad soldiers leapt onto the scene. They were followed by about twenty thousand others, who crashed about the small lobby loudly as they attempted to surround our heroes. A few students tried to shove their way through with annoyed expressions and many dropped books.

"What the fuck?" Zelos exclaimed, shocked out of his erection. "What're the Papal Knights doing here? I thought you guys were on my side!"

One of the knights shook his head and spoke up. "Chosen One, you were just plotting to help these villains!"

"Since when are we the villains?" Lloyd asked with a grouchy face.

"Villain," Presea said blankly. "Noun. A wicked or evil person. See also: scoundrel."

"Thank you, Presea," Genis said.

"So, lemme get this straight…" Zelos said to the knights. "The Pope sent you keep an eye on me? Doesn't he trust me?"

The soldiers all glanced at each other. "Well…" One said. "You do easily get… distracted, Chosen One."

"Ugh." Zelos sighed dramatically.

"Arrest them!" One soldier cried, and the rest leapt on our heroes. Now, Lloyd had taken out armies of Desians before, but the Papal Knights happened to be much fatter than any Desian he had ever faced, and he and his friends were soon overpowered (and a bit squashed).

"Ow!" The brunette squealed as something sharp was inserted into his forehead. "What the fuck are you doing??"

"They're taking a DNA sample." Zelos said calmly from beneath the butt of a soldier. "Just to make sure you're not half-elves. 'Cause, you know, sometimes they look like humans."

Lloyd opened his mouth to ask another question, but was interrupted by another knight, who suddenly let out a cry of surprise.

"We've got a match!" He exclaimed, waving a bloody syringe over the heads of the Sage siblings happily. Raine, who was a bit stunned from being knocked over and then having some fluids removed from her forehead, tried hard to look dignified. Genis started crying again.

"Bullshit!" Lloyd snapped. "Genis and the Professor are elves!"

"No, Lloyd, we're not." Raine said with a sigh. "I swear, hasn't Genis dropped enough hints by now?"

Lloyd mentally reviewed his journey so far. His eyes widened in sudden understanding. "Oh…"

"OK, change of plans!" The head Papal Knight clapped his hands to get his subordinates attention. "Half-elves can use magic, so we need all hands to escort them back to Meltokio!"

Genis cried even louder. A knight kicked him.

"What about the rest…?" asked the soldier who was sitting on Lloyd's feet.

"I dunno." His boss shrugged. "Just… lock them in the basement or something."

"Professor Sage! Genis!" Lloyd cried as he was dragged away. "Noooooooooooooooo!!"

The siblings couldn't help but roll their eyes. Then, they were both led off to their deaths.

--

"DAMMIT TO HELL!" Lloyd screamed for the twentieth time, kicking the heavy wooden door that held him in this dark and smelly basement. Colette, Presea, and Zelos all watched him with blank stares.

"Would you _please_ shut up, Lloyd?" Zelos said at last, rubbing his forehead. "You're giving me a migraine."

Lloyd rounded on him, snarling and spewing smoke from the ears. "I don't get it!" He cried, throwing his hands into the air. "Why did they take Professor Sage and Genis and not us?"

Zelos sniggered. "Are you jealous that the Sages are considered a greater threat than you are, Lloyd?"

"No!" the teen snapped. Then: "Maybe. A little. Sorta."

"Well, don't worry too much, little dude," The Chosen assured him with a wave of his hand. "The Knights just wanted to find out who was a half-elf because half-elves are lower than low and are sentenced to death for any and all crimes." He grinned. "So it doesn't have anything to do with you! So cheer up!"

Lloyd gaped. "Wh-what are you talking about? That's insane!"

Zelos rolled his eyes. "Not really when you think about it. I mean, isn't the world better off without half-elves around, anyway?"

"I resent that!" a voice came from the shadows of the basement. A second later, a green-haired woman dressed in a lab coat stepped into the light. Judging by her pointy ears and angry statement, Lloyd could only assume that this woman was a half-elf. By squinting into the darkness, the teen could make out several other figures, all of whom where watching him nervously.

"Hey!" he called to them. "Why don't you guys turn on a light or something?"

The greenhead ignored him.

"Half-elves aren't smelly! Or stupid! Or so ugly you wouldn't want to touch them with a ten-foot pole!" she continued heatedly.

"Um, I didn't say any of that…" Zelos said, holding his hands up.

"Oh…" The woman stepped back and frowned. Then, she glared again. "But I bet you were thinking it!"

"Hey, lady," Lloyd said, stepping forward. "I'm totally OK with half-elves, so long as they're not burning down villages or shooting Genis in the head or something. I mean, my best friend's a half-elf!"

"Bullshit!" The woman snapped.

Just then, Presea screamed at the top of her lungs and ran into a corner, where she proceeded to curl up into a little ball and shiver.

Everyone stared at her for several seconds.

"Um… what the hell?" Lloyd asked.

"Hey! I know you!" The half-elf woman cried suddenly. "You're Presea, aren't you?"

Presea snarled at the scientist before returning to her fit.

"How the hell does a half-elf who never leaves this basement become acquainted with a cute little human girl?" Zelos asked, scratching his chin.

"How did you make that innocent question sound dirty?" Lloyd asked, scratching _his_ chin.

"Presea was my team's research subject." The half-elf replied to Zelos' question.

"Um, Kate…" one of the scholars hiding in the shadows took half a nervous step forward. "I don't think you should be telling these criminals about that…"

"Shut the hell up, Hector!" the greenhead – Kate, apparently – snapped. Hector stumbled back into his corner. Kate turned back to Zelos and continued: "We were researching how to make a Cruxis Crystal on this kid."

"Wiggidy-WHAT?" Lloyd gasped. "You mean that whole parasite thing those weirdos upstairs were talking about??"

Kate shrugged. "Uh, I guess."

"Is that why she's immune to my manly charm?" Zelos asked, pointing to the pink-haired girl.

"Yes. It's called the Angelus Project."

Lloyd paused a moment to reach down and pick his jaw up off the floor, where it had fallen when he heard Kate's words. "That's the project my mom was involved in!" He cried once his mouth was reattached.

Zelos glanced at the overexcited teen. "Oh, really?"

"YEAH REALLY!" Lloyd screamed. He turned back to Kate. "So, what's going to happen to Presea?"

Kate shrugged. "Well, the exsphere with suck all the life out of her, and then we'll pull it off to study more, and she'll probably die."

Lloyd gaped, and Zelos started to worry that all this excitement was going to kill the kid.

"That's terrible!" the swordsman gasped. "How could you do that? What did Presea ever do to you??"

"It was for science!" called Hector. The rest of his colleagues nodded eagerly.

Lloyd snarled.

"I could ask you the same thing!" Kate snapped, putting her hands on her hips. "How can you be so mean to half-elves, when they don't do anything to you?"

"I'm _not_!" Lloyd cried, holding his hands out. "And I'm sick of this stupid conversation, and I'm getting out of here!"

"Um… wait…" Kate hesitated, obviously torn between wanting to stop the brunette from leaving and wanting to live.

"He's going to go save his half-elf friends," Zelos informed the woman calmly. "What are you going to do about that, miss also-a-half-elf?"

"I-I'm not falling for that!" Kate cried. "Why would a human want to save a half-elf?"

"Because," said a mysteriously familiar voice. "He's a wacko who grew up with a dwarf and thinks that Colette is cuter than me."

Suddenly, Corrine leapt out of nowhere and proceeded to run around in circles and look cute. Everyone was so distracted that they didn't notice Sheena appear in the room, no doubt using some amazing ninja technique.

"Sheena-chanchan!" Lloyd cried, leaping into the ninja's arms. Sheena growled and dropped the teen.

Kate, who had nearly fainted upon seeing a ninja appear in her lab, decided it was high time for some life-bargaining.

"OK…" she said. "I'll tell you what. You guys can go, but you have to come back later and show me your no doubt_ imaginary_ half-elf friends. If you do that, I'll help you make Presea better." She snorted. Like _that_ would ever happen.

Lloyd grinned. "OK! Deal!" He offered the half-elf a high-five, but was totally shot down. He made due by punching Zelos instead.

"Um, Kate?" A voice from the corner tried one last time to talk to his crazy colleague. "I don't think this is such a good-"

"Shut the hell up, Hector!" Kate shrieked. Turning back to her human prisoners, she continued: "You guys can use this secret exit to escape."

That said, the half-elf used the powers of her intellectual mind to push aside a bookcase and reveal a secret tunnel, which lead up and out of the basement.

"Sweet!" Lloyd shouted gleefully. "C'mon, Colette!"

He was then thrown across the room after trying to lead the blonde to the tunnel. Without batting an eye, Colette spread her wings and fluttered her way up the tunnel. After a second's hesitation, Lloyd followed.

"Hey, Kate," Zelos asked as he watched Sheena lead Presea through the tunnel. "You seem to have the biggest mouth here, so I'll ask you; whose order was it to carry out experimenting on Presea?"

Kate opened her mouth, and then closed it again. "Uh… I can't say."

Zelos smirked. "The Pope, then."

He didn't wait for an answer; instead, he crawled into the secret tunnel. The half-elf scholars could hear him complaining about his ruined pants all the way up.

--

"Well, that worked well!" Zelos said happily as he pulled himself out of the sewer.

"Yeah!" Lloyd agreed.

"Hey," Sheena piped up. She pointed to the pink-haired child she had lead out of the tunnel. "Who's this supposed to be?"

"Meep." Said Presea. Sheena frowned.

"That's Presea," Lloyd informed the ninja. "She's a robot, I think, and stuff. But, anyway…"

He began waving his arms around like the maniac he was. "Where the heck did you come from, Sheena?"

The ninja shrugged. "I went to see my chief, and he told me to come back and keep an eye on you."

Lloyd snickered.

"That is so typical of Mizuho," Zelos said with a shrug. "Always sticking their nose into everything."

Sheena glared at the Chosen. "Hello, Zelos."

Zelos smiled back. "Hello, sexy."

Lloyd quickly stepped in to stop Sheena from attacking the redhead. "C'mon, you guys, we've gotta save Genis and the Professor!"

"Oh, yeah!" Sheena nodded eagerly. "Let's go!"

And so they goed.


	35. Chapter 35

Jesus. This chapter took me so freaking long.

And… okay, I know I'm not updating nearly as much as I used to. The fact is that fanfiction was never one of my top priorities, and nowadays with school, art, original stuff… I just don't focus much on my beloved fandoms anymore. Not to worry, though; I guarantee I will see this story through. It's far too much fun to abandon. I just won't be writing quite as obsessively as I once did. -bows out- Sorry.

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

By running very quickly and only stopping once to let Zelos fix his hair, the determined trio and two robo-girls finally caught up with the small army leading the Sages away on the Tethe'alla Bridge.

"Full steam ahead boys!" Lloyd cried. Then, he paused. "Well, and Sheena. And Presea. And Colette."

Sheena rolled her eyes. "Come _on_!" she snapped, dragging the confused swordsman after her.

Just then, the ground beneath them shuddered and started rising.

"Eeee! The sky is falling!" Lloyd screamed.

"No… they're raising the drawbridge," Zelos pointed out.

And so they were. Our heroes started sliding backwards as the bridge angled higher and higher to the sky.

"C'mon! We've gotta jump it!" Lloyd cried, running to do just that. Zelos grabbed his scarves and dragged him back.

"No freaking way, man," he said.

"Probability of success, four percent," Presea informed them.

"Yeah!" Zelos agreed. "Listen to the chick, Lloyd!"

"But if we don't do anything, they'll be killed!" Lloyd wrenched out of his grip and ran up the bridge. Sheena groaned and ran after him. Colette and Presea exchanged bored looks and followed.

"This sucks!" Zelos moaned, stomping his feet. "How did I get stuck with these suicidal idiots?"

Then he, too, ran up the bridge.

The ground was pretty steep when they finally reached the top. Lloyd led the way as they leapt into the air.

And then they fell.

"Shit!" Lloyd snapped; crossing his arms as the ocean rushed up to meet him. "I thought that would work for sure!"

"Undine!" Sheena called, trying very hard to strike her summoning pose in midair. "Help!"

Just then, with an explosion of sparkles and water, a geyser burst into existence below the falling heroes, sending them flying back onto the bridge.

"Woohoo!" Lloyd cried, throwing a fist in the air and spitting out a mouthful of water. "You rock, Sheena!"

Sheena blushed a bit as she tried to wring water out of her gigantic pink bow.

"Ooooh, my hair!" Zelos moaned, pulling at the mess that had once been bouncy red curls. "It's ruined!"

Colette, who had avoided all this wetness by simply flying over the stupid bridge, twitched as Zelos flung some water on her dress as he attempted to dry his long hair. The angel retaliated by kicking the Chosen in the face.

"Excuse me," Presea spoke up, and everyone turned to listen. "The Professor and Genis are exiting the vicinity at approximately four point five miles per hour."

"Huh?" Lloyd blinked. "Oh, yeah! We've still gotta save the Sages!" He then gave a ferocious battle cry and ran after the mini army.

A vicious and bloody battle then ensued, which included – but was not limited to – beheadings, fireballs, giant freaking battle axes, and a couple tidal waves. At last, our heroes emerged victorious.

"Geniiiis! Professor Saaaage!" Lloyd cried as he ran up to give his buddies a big hug. Raine calmly whacked him over the head with her staff.

"Took you long enough!" Genis snapped at his rescuers. He frowned at the group which now stood before him. "Hey, when did Sheena get here?"

Sheena rolled her eyes. "You're welcome for saving your lives. And I'm here because I've gotta stalk you Sylvarantees for a while longer."

"It's Sylvarantians," Lloyd corrected. Sheena showed him her middle finger and stuck out her tongue.

Raine sighed. For a little while there, she'd actually thought she'd gotten away from her idiots. "So, what are we going to do now?"

"We've gotta save Colette!" Lloyd cried, pointing to the possessed angel.

"Um, hello?" Zelos waved a hand in the air. "I just want everyone to know that I'm not really kosher with this whole traveling with half-elves thing."

"Fuck you, Zelos," Genis snapped. Professor Sage smacked her brother for using such language, but she didn't correct him either.

"OK, well, I guess we should go get our Rheiards, then…" Lloyd said slowly. "And then figure out how to fix 'em so we can get back to Sylvarant, right?"

"I… want to go home," Presea informed the newly reunited group.

"Oh, yeah!" Sheena nodded. "We've gotta bring Presea back to that Kate person, right?"

"Oh…" Lloyd frowned. "But the bridge is up now…"

"How about this?" the Professor proposed. "We'll go get the Rheiards now, and then come back. Maybe the bridge will be back down by then."

"Good plan, sis!" Genis cheered.

"But… how the hell are we supposed to carry them around?" Sheena asked dryly.

Zelos stopped feeling sorry for himself for a second to speak up. "Oh, I've got a solution to that! Just leave it to the great Zelos! But, listen, I'm just not sure-"

"OK then, let's go!" Lloyd commanded. And they did.

Zelos pouted as the others left him behind. "Doesn't anyone care about what I think?"

"Fuck you, Zelos!" someone called from ahead. Zelos started crying and ran after his new "friends".

--

The journey back to the summit of Mount Fooji took a really time, and involved a lot of whining. By the time they'd finally located the Rheiards, Lloyd and Genis had declared an all-out war on Zelos, who was using Presea as a shield from their random attacks.

"Hey, Zelos?" Lloyd asked, pausing his assault with a rock in hand. "How the hell are we going to carry the Rheiards?"

Zelos pouted. "I'm not gonna tell you, 'cause you're mean to me!" A rock bounced off his head, and the redhead fell to the ground in terror. "OK! OK! Just c'mere for a sec, and I'll show you."

That said, the Chosen led his friends towards the still-smoldering remains of the Rheiards, except for Colette, because she was currently too out of it to move.

Suddenly, Zelos tripped over a well-hidden rope, which pulled out of the ground to knock over a hamster cage, and the hamster started running after a piece of cheese, which powered a lever to lift up a bowling ball, which then tumbled down a sharp incline after which it landed in a button which signaled a cage made of bamboo to fall out of nowhere and trap our heroes.

Colette blinked.

"What the hell??" Lloyd cried, jumping back away from the bamboo.

"Cage," Presea informed him blandly.

"You fell right into my trap, fools!" said a mysterious yet familiar voice. The voice was soon followed by none other than that long-haired Renegade, Yuan, and two or three of his lackeys.

Lloyd started to curse, but then changed his mind and turned around to face Zelos with a smirk. "Hey… he just called you a fool."

Zelos blinked from where he still lay after his rather spectacular tumble.

"Zelos sucks," Presea announced.

The Chosen whimpered. "Nobody likes me!!" He wailed.

Yuan winced. "Could someone _please_ shut him up?"

"If only we could…" Genis sighed longingly.

The renegade paused for a second, clearly trying to decide whether he really wanted to know. At last he shook his head and continued his evil speech. "I've finally caught you, Lloyd! I know exactly what I'm going to do with you now…"

He snickered evilly and rubbed his hands together in a menacing manner which caused Lloyd to actually lose consciousness for a second, something that hadn't occurred since he'd gotten scary looks from Kratos.

"Hey!" Sheena shouted. She pointed to the Rheiards, which were currently being towed away by Yuan's lackeys. "Those are ours!"

"They damn well are not," Yuan snarled. "You stole every single fucking one of our Rheiards! Do you know how hard it was to get _anything_ done without them? And _now_ I have to get them repaired, because you went and _crashed_ them!"

Our heroes exchanged glances. They were finding it rather hard to sympathize with the man who kept trying to kill them.

Just then, a woman spontaneously teleported onto the summit, obviously utilizing some technology that the low-budget Renegades could never in their wildest dreams afford. The woman, who was surrounded by some weird floating gold tombstones, tossed her green hair over a shoulder.

"Oh, Lord Yuan," she said, waving to the bluenette. "What are you doing here?"

Yuan crossed his arms and glared at the woman. "Screw that, Pronyma. What are _you_ doing here?"

"Who's that?" Genis whispered.

"Don't you remember, Genis?" Sheena asked. "She was talking to Kvar when we came in to kill him."

"Yeah," Lloyd nodded. "And, she was naked at Magnius' ranch."

Zelos immediately started drooling all over floor.

Pronyma blushed but tried to carry on a conversation with Yuan. "I-I'm here on orders from Lord Yggdrasill to retrieve Colette," she pointed to the angel, who was quite possibly asleep. "Finally."

"Whatever," Yuan shrugged. "I'm just here for Lloyd."

"Lloyd?" Pronyma made a face. "Lord Yuan, I had no idea your interests were so… _exotic_."

"Shut the hell up, Pronyma!" Yuan snarled. "D-don't talk about your superiors like that!"

Pronyma sniggered. She then turned to kidnapped Colette.

"Nooooooo!" Lloyd bellowed, trying to reach his blonde buddy. "Coleeeeeeette!"

Colette blinked.

"Hey, what the hell is this?" Pronyma grabbed the necklace slash Key Crest that hung around the Chosen's neck. It glinted innocently. "Ew, this is the goddamn ugliest thing I've ever seen."

Lloyd dropped to his knees in despair, and Genis laughed at him.

"I'm getting rid of this pitiful excuse for a cute accessory." That said, the Desian reached out to snatch said accessory away. Very suddenly and for the first time in many, many chapters, Colette reacted in a non-kickass way.

"N-no!" she wailed. "This is a birthday present that Lloyd gave me! I don't care if it's ugly as fuck, because Lloyd thinks it rocks!"

Lloyd banged his fists against the ground in anguish.

Colette then bitch-slapped Pronyma, who stumbled backwards in surprise, who's stumbling caused Colette to stumble as well. She swayed and wobbled until she finally toppled over, taking the poorly constructed cage with her.

"Woo-hoo!" Lloyd cried, jumping out of the pile of bamboo and ruin in joy. He and Genis exchanged high-fives and started dancing over the remains of the cage.

"Oh no!" Colette gasped. "I broke it!"

Zelos smiled dumbly. "I think I'm falling in love."

"No freaking way!" Yuan cried in disbelief. "I told Botta that you can't hold bamboo together with rubber bands and paper clips! Stupid idiot!"

Miles and about a world away, a certain idiot sidekick sneezed loudly, knocking over his newly constructed rubber band paper clip structure.

"Dammit!" Pronyma shrieked, clutching the Colette's-hand-shaped red mark on her cheek. "You'll pay for making a fool out of-"

Lloyd deftly stabbed the woman in the belly. The Desian doubled over, squeaked something uninterruptible, and vanished. Lloyd did a happy dance, and Colette tried to join in.

"Grr!" Yuan growled, stomping his feet furiously. "Why does this shit always happen??"

"Yuan!" Lloyd cried, pointing at the man dramatically. "You and I have a score to settle!"

"Oooooh!" Genis gasped in the audience.

Encouraged, Lloyd waved his bloodied sword in the air. "We shall now engage in… MORTAL COMBAT!!"

That said (shrieked), Lloyd leapt at Yuan, who looked a bit irritated. They were never able to engage in the formerly mentioned combat, however, because at that very moment a lavender blur sped onto the scene and knocked Lloyd backward with a very fancy sword maneuver.

"Gasp!" Colette gasped, pointing. "It's Kratos!"

It was indeed Kratos, blue wings spread and clad in some new whitish-purple pajamas.

"Hmph," Kratos hmphed.

"You know," Genis said thoughtfully. "I've _almost_ missed that."

"Who's the fag?" Zelos asked. Everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and stare at the pink-clad, long-haired man. Zelos shrugged. "What?"

"What are you doing here, Kratos?" Yuan asked, crossing his arms and frowning.

"Yeah!" Lloyd echoed. "Can't you see we were about to engage in… MORTAL COM-"

"Yuan," Kratos said, turning to the renegade and completely ignoring Lloyd. "Lord Yggdrasill wishes to see you."

"Fuck you, Kratos!" the blunette snapped. "I told that stupid brat, I'll come see him when I damn well-"

"He said something about someone's undergarments, I believe," Kratos stated.

Yuan paled a bit. "Oh, that. Uh…" He turned to our heroes, who were all watching this exchange in confusion. "I, uh… guess I'll see you guys later."

He waved before he turned, sprouted a pair of pinkish wings from his back, and took off.

"What the-??" Sheena exclaimed, pointing after the quickly vanishing renegade. "Since when is he an angel, too??"

"Jeez louise!" Lloyd threw his hands up in the air. "This is just too damn confusing!"

Kratos gave him one of those creepy looks that made Lloyd consider jumping off the mountain.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the angel finally snapped, looking a touch annoyed.

Lloyd frowned. "Well… I was thinkin' I should probably get the hell outta here in case you're planning on using that scary Judgment attack again, else I should use Zelos as a shield…"

"That's not what I meant!" Kratos glared a glare that would kill a small child. Fortunately, Genis was a bit preoccupied with a beetle that was crawling up his leg, so he was spared. "I mean, why did you come to Tethe'alla?"

"Well, to save Colette, of course!"

"Oh, Lloyd!" Colette swooned. "That's so sweet!"

"OK, so she's saved," the ex-mercenary snarled. "_Now_ what?"

"Um…" Lloyd blinked. "I'm thinkin' I should take another stab at saving the world… right?"

Kratos rolled his eyes. "Yeah, good luck with that."

Then, with a final look that scared the pants off Zelos (metaphorically, thank Martel), Kratos jumped off the cliff and soared away.

Everyone stared after him.

"I do not understand that man," Raine concluded. "Was he just encouraging us to dethrone his empire?"

"Yeah, but…" Zelos jerked a thumb after the angel. "Who the hell was that guy, again?"

Everyone groaned.

"He was helping us out, but it turned out he was actually an angel and all that shit," Sheena explained.

"He's afraid of tomatoes!" Lloyd pitched in. Zelos giggled.

"So…" Genis spoke up. He turned to Colette. "Are you all better now, Colette? I mean, can you feel things and the like?"

Colette smiled and struck a pose. "Yeah! It's really cold up here, and my underwear is itchy, and this fugly necklace Lloyd made for me is pinching my neck so hard I think I might pass out!" she giggled. "Also, I'm so hungry I could eat an egg bear!"

"Are those edible?" Lloyd asked.

Then, the group was attacked by an egg bear, which was definitely _not_ edible, and then they stuck it over a fire and fed its remains to Colette. The Chosen then proceeded to spread out her cute little pink wings and announce that she also still owned in the whole ass-kicking category.

"So, Lloyd," Raine said, as the group finally began their descent down the mountain. "What are we gonna do now?"

Everyone turned to Lloyd, apparently expecting answers. The swordsman flushed.

"Uh, er… w-we save the world, of course!"

"And how do you plan on doing that?" Raine asked skeptically.

"The same way I do everything!" Lloyd explained, smacking his fist into his other hand dramatically. "Stumble along blindly until someone else tells me what to do! C'mon, Colette!"

Lloyd took the blonde's hand and they proceeded to skip down the mountain path. The rest of the group realized, some for the first time and others for the thousandth, that the fate of the worlds rested in the hands of an idiot.


	36. Chapter 36

8D I like Kuchinawa. A lot. Actually, I like Sheena x Kuchinawa a lot. A lot a lot. So this was an excellent chapter for me. DON'T WORRY SILLIES I promise I'll keep everything canon. Really.

Does anyone know what Zelos' mom's name is?

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

Once they reached level ground, Lloyd turned around to face his posse.

"Hey, guys? Do you think the drawbridge is still up?"

"Most likely," Zelos shrugged. "They probably want to keep us stuck on one continent, so we'll be easier to find."

Everyone laughed heartily at this, because who could _ever_ catch the good guys?

"Anyway," Lloyd continued, wiping a tear from his eye. "How are we gonna get back to Sybak then?"

"I think I've got a plan," Sheena announced, and everyone turned to listen. "I've got some friends at the Research Academy in Meltokio, so maybe they can help us get to Sybak."

"Only one problem with that, Sheena," Genis said, always the logic little prick. "That would be taking us right to the guys who are trying to arrest us."

"B-but!" Sheena tried to defend herself. "Weren't we all just laughing about how they could never catch us??"

"Sure, if we stay in hiding," Raine pointed out. "I hardly think that waltzing right into Meltokio is the best idea."

"Actually, we might be better off in Meltokio," Zelos said thoughtfully. "I mean, it's really crowded and all th-"

"Shut the hell up, Zelos!" Lloyd snapped. The redhead ran into a corner to cry.

"Anyway," Lloyd continued. "It doesn't look like we have much of a choice, do we? We're gonna have to go to Meltokio!"

"I agree with Lloyd!" Colette announced, very happy to be capable of agreeing with Lloyd again.

Everyone nodded reluctantly and they set off. Zelos hung back a bit, miserable.

"How come nobody listens to the great Zelos?" he whined.

"Fuck you, Zelos!" someone shouted from ahead.

--

When the Chosen posse reached Meltokio, they were dismayed to find the gates closed and the city locked up tight. Fortunately, the two guards on duty didn't know that Zelos had slept with both their wives, so when they spotted the Chosen and his "friends", they were sympathetic.

"Sorry, Chosen, but we can't let you through," the guard on the left told the group.

"You'd better get out of here before someone comes to arrest you," the guard on the right added.

"You mean, like you should be doing right now?" Genis asked dryly. He was punched by about five people at once.

"Well, I guess we'll just be going now!" Zelos said loudly, spinning around to face the rest of his posse. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Don't worry, guys, the great Zelos knows how to get in!"

He turned and started walking alongside the wall, announcing very loudly that he was leaving, so there was not need for the guards to follow. Lloyd and co. followed uncertainly.

Soon, they reached a grate in the wall, through which water was flowing loudly.

"What the hell is this?" Lloyd asked, eying the river curiously.

"This, my fine friend, is a sewer!" Zelos announced, waving his hand towards the grate cheerfully. He then proceeded to tug a few bars out of the hole, so that there was room enough for someone to squeeze through.

"What's a sewer?" Colette asked innocently.

"You don't know what a sewer is?" Zelos asked incredulously, dropping the bar he was holding into the water.

The Sylvarantians all shook their heads.

"Well, it's this… this thing where…" Zelos began.

"You see, stuff from the city… eh, that is…" Sheena stumbled over an explanation. She looked at the children and Raine, who were looking even more confused, and sighed. "You know what? You're better off not knowing."

That said, Zelos led the way through their hole in the wall and into the "sewer".

"Eww!" Lloyd wailed thirteen seconds into the tunnel. "It smells in here!"

"Why do you know how to get through here, Zelos?" Colette asked the redhead as she stuffed tissues up her super-angel-sensitive nostrils.

"Well, you know, Colette," the great Zelos shrugged. "I have to sneak into the city after dark all the time."

Colette tilted her head to the side. "Why?"

The pervert snickered. "If you'd like, Colette, I could-" he coughed lightly. "-_educate_ you tonight…"

It was at this point that Zelos was brutally beaten by Sheena, and Colette was gently led away by Raine.

Not too long later, the bleeding redhead came to a sudden stop before a door which appeared to be locked.

"What gives, Zelos?" Lloyd snapped, pushing his way through the crowd his posse had become to reach the door.

"The door's locked, man!" Zelos whined. Lloyd leaned around him to examine the door closely.

"Huh," the swordsman shrugged. "I guess now we'll have to figure out some complex puzzle in order to find a way through and or around this locked door, after which we will most likely be attacked by some mutant sewer squid or something, so that we can finally get out of this shortcut-turned-temple and continue on with our quest."

"Or you could pick the lock like you always do," Sheena added.

"Oh, yeah!" Lloyd immediately turned to do so. Several minutes later, the door swung open. Colette applauded like a maniac, and the group paraded through.

Several slimy and rat-infested minutes later, the children and Raine could finally almost breathe through their nostrils again.

"Aha!" Lloyd cried, throwing his arms out and inhaling deeply. "I can smell again!"

Then the fumes overpowered him, and he passed out.

Just then, a mysterious figure in a bra leapt out of the shadows and tackled our redheaded hero.

"AIIIIEEEEE!" Zelos shrieked as a grime-coated boot dug into his designer pink jacket. "Nooooooooo! How do you expect me to get that slime out of my jacket, huh? HOW??"

"Nobody move!" the man in the bra cried, trying to wave his arms about until he remembered that they were cuffed together. Lloyd couldn't help but think that was a very strange fashion statement. The weird man grated his heel against Zelos' spine to show that he meant business, and the Chosen squealed.

"Now," the man said very slowly and clearly. "You are going to hand over that blonde chick and maybe then I won't kill the Chosen."

"Save me, Lloyd!" Zelos screeched.

Just then, Presea leapt into action. Action involving a heavy swipe at the blue-headed handcuffed man, who toppled off the Chosen loudly. Zelos screamed and ran to hide behind Lloyd.

"Fucking shit!" the bluehead banged his fists against the ground. He then awkwardly climbed to his feet and made to attack Presea… and then stopped.

The convict stared at the girl. And the girl blankly watched a rat tear a jellyfish limb from limb.

"Hey, pedo!" Genis shouted at the man as he continued to watch Presea. "Back off!" The half-elf then summoned up a very powerful fire ball, which sent the blue-haired convict running.

Everyone watched him leave before they moved. Then Lloyd shoved Zelos off of him.

"What was that all about?" Raine asked no one in particular.

"Someone else trying to kidnap Colette, apparently," Sheena answered. "When are they going to get over that?"

Colette started crying, which she could do now. "I'm so sorry, everyone! I'm such a burden!"

Everyone nodded sadly before they found themselves a slimy ladder and climbed out of the sewers.

"Yes! Fresh air!" Lloyd screamed, leaping out of the manhole he had just crawled through and spreading his arms wide. Several bystanders leapt back in shock as this grimy teenager emerged from the sewers.

"Yay!" Colette cheered as, having followed her hero Lloyd out of the manhole, she plucked the tissues out of her nostrils and did a happy dance.

After everyone else had climbed out of the hole-in-the-ground and smacked Lloyd for making such a racket, the group headed off towards the Research Academy.

--

With a bang and a crash, Sheena knocked open the heavy doors of the building and lead her friends into the gloomy room. It contained a desk and a hole which probably led to a basement, and had a weird sort of chemistry-ish smell to it.

"OHEMGEE!" Sheena suddenly screeched, pointing to the dark interior of the room. "KUCHI-CHANCHAN!"

"SHEENA-CHANCHAN!" came a shout from the shadows, where once could just barely make out the silhouette of a man.

"Hey, how come it's OK for _him_ to call her that?" Lloyd just barely had time to grumble before the ninja leapt into the room to attack this 'Kuchi-chanchan'.

Someone finally flicked a light switch, and the Chosen and her posse were at last able to make out the mysterious man Sheena was embracing. Or, they would have, if he didn't have his whole face covered like a freaking ninja or something.

"Oh, everybody!" Sheena exclaimed, as if she had just noticed her friends standing awkwardly by the door. She indicated the red-clad ninja beside her. "This is my friend from Mizuho; Kuchinawa."

Kuchinawa waved. Zelos, face red, stormed up to the ninja.

"Just what is you're relationship with Sheena??" he snapped, poking Kuchinawa's chest threateningly. The red-clad ninja raised his eyebrows .

"Uhm… didn't Sheena just tell you we were friends?"

Sheena snarled something incoherent and dragged the redhead away from her confused compadre.

"Uh…" Kuchinawa glanced at the party uncertainly. "What are you guys doing here, anyway?"

"We wanna get to Sybak," Lloyd explained, a bit upset at having been ignored throughout the conversation. "But the bridge is up."

"Oh, yeah," Sheena nodded, looking up from where she had been brutally paper cutting Zelos' head. "I'm gonna go on downstairs and talk with everybody, so you guys just wait here."

She then scurried down into the basement, followed by an eager Kuchinawa.

Lloyd turned to face his party. "Well, guys, Sheena told us to wait here."

Everyone nodded.

Lloyd then turned and headed into the basement.

"What the fuck do you mean, we have to ride in the EC??" Sheena was shrieking as the party stepped into the depths of the basement. She vented her anger by spinning around and punching Zelos in the face.

"It'll be OK, Sheena!" a scientist with red hair tried to reassure the angry ninja. "Look, I know the EC is meant for land, but-"

"What's an EC?" Genis squeaked.

"EC," Presea spoke with all the enthusiasm of purple wallpaper. "Elemental Cargo. A vehicle used to transport cargo."

"What, like, boxes and shit?" Lloyd asked dumbly. "What're we, packages?"

"How is a vehicle meant for land supposed to travel across the sea?" Raine asked skeptically.

The scientist held up his hands. "Wait, wait! Don't get mad! If Sheena uses Undine, then the EC should be able to-"

"Oh, I see!" Colette giggled. "Undine can make the EC float, right?"

"Something like that…" Sheena mumbled. She sighed. "Alright, it seems like this is our only choice."

The scientist brightened up once he found out he wasn't going to get a bloody nose like Zelos. "Alright, we'll get right to work and have it ready by tomorrow…"

"WHAT?" The entire group shrieked at once.

"We can't stay here!" Lloyd panicked, waving his arms around. "We'll get caught!"

"I hardly want to stay here, either," Raine agreed solemnly. "But, if we have no other choice…"

"Yeah, this'll be fun!" Zelos piped up. "You all can stay at my place!"

"Uh, don't you think the Papal Knights will find us there?" Genis asked with a roll of his eyes.

"Well…" Lloyd tapped his chin in thought. "If we're gonna stay in the city, it'll be dangerous no matter where we go, right?"

Raine blinked. "Actually… that's true, Lloyd. I guess you do show your smarts every once and a while."

Lloyd beamed, until he realized he was being made fun of. By the time he had thought up a comeback, however, his friends had already climbed the stairs, and he had no choice but to hurry after them.

--

"Well, guys, this is it!" Zelos said as he came to a stop along a cobbled street. "My house! My pad! Mi _casa_!"

The Sylvarantians looked around curiously.

"Where?" Lloyd asked at last. "All I can see is that big-ass skyscraper there!"

Genis frowned. "No, Lloyd, I think that's the capital building… Zelos, is your house _behind_ the capital building?"

"No no no!" Zelos waved his arms, thrown-off by his audience's lack of enthusiasm. "That building _is_ my house!"

"Woooah!" Everyone except Presea gasped.

"This place is even bigger than our school!" Colette squeaked.

"You mean your one-room, wooden shack of a school?" Sheena asked skeptically.

"Well, don't just stand there like a bunch of hobos!" Zelos cried. He flourished proudly at his mansion before grabbing Lloyd's gloved hand and dragging him in.

"Greetings, Master Zelos," said a creepy old man in a tux as soon as Zelos led his harem – I mean, friends through the grand front doors.

"Yo," Zelos said casually. He glanced about the huge entryway, ignoring Lloyd who was struggling to escape from his grasp.

"Zelos?" Genis asked the redhead. "Why is there an ugly old man at your door?"

Zelos laughed. "He's my butler!"

The butler looked a bit peeved, but he spoke in the same butler-ish tone he had been using since the group had entered: "Master Zelos, the Papal Knights were here. They told me to report to them as soon as you came home."

"Yeah, you can just ignore that," Zelos calmly told his butler. The old man bowed.

"Yes sir. So…" he coughed nervously and watched his boss out of the corner of his eye. "Who is the young man on your arm with the swords? Shall I prepare the 'special room', or will you handle this yourself?"

There was a minor interruption from the back, when both Sheena and the Professor suddenly bled explosively from the nose. Lloyd frowned.

"I dun' get it."

"Nah, it's OK," Zelos assured his butler. "This guy's my bud."

The butler eyed Lloyd, who couldn't help but feel a bit creeped out (but maybe that had something to do with the way Zelos was still clinging to his elbow like an old lady).

"Well then, Sir Bud, please enjoy your… erm, stay."

With that, the butler exited the scene.

"My name's not Bud!" Lloyd hollered after him.

"Don't worry, bud," Zelos reassured the brunette with a pat on the shoulder. "Usually when I show up with a man on my arm, Sebastian calls him Sir Whore, so I'd say you're a step up."

Lloyd stood in Zelos' embrace silently for a moment, then punched the redhead right in his pretty face.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Side quest! Side quest! Mandi smells a side quest!!

**--**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

A few hours after arriving in Zelos' mansion and having successfully raided the enormous kitchen for cookies, Lloyd came into what he assumed was a living room to see Colette sitting by the fireplace, watching the roaring fire with a dumb smile on her face.

"Hi, Lloyd!" She waved as her friend stepped up next to her.

"Hi, Colette!" Lloyd grinned back. He sat down beside the blonde, where they both continued to grin at each other.

"This looks like the perfect opportunity for me to say something cute and insightful, doesn't it?" Colette pointed out.

Lloyd nodded. "Hey, yeah, you're right!"

"Yeah!" the blonde smiled. "Only, I can't think of anything…"

"Oh…"

They both sat and watched the fire in silence for a moment.

"Hey, Lloyd? What's 'one-touch'"?

"Huh?" Lloyd glanced up.

"Zelos said that his fireplace works on one-touch. But… what's one-touch?"

"Eeeh…" Lloyd scratched his head. "Well… I… guess I'll go ask him!"

Colette clapped her hands in glee. "You're so smart, Lloyd!"

Lloyd struck a victory pose before he marched through the first door he came to, landing himself in a long and narrow hallway. It was empty, save for a large vase standing aside a wall and a very busty someone standing aside _it_.

"Hi, Sheena-chanchan!" Lloyd called, waving as he came up beside the ninja. Sheena looked a bit annoyed.

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that??" she snapped. She then proceeded to pinch Lloyd's nose in punishment.

"Stop it! Stop it!" Lloyd squealed. He batted her hand away from his face with his hand. "If that Koochy guy can call you Sheena-chanchan, why can't I??"

"It's Kuchinawa," the ninja corrected quickly. "And he can call me that because I like him more than I like you."

Lloyd started crying. Then he stopped in order to ask Sheena what the heck she was doing in this random hallway.

"Oh, actually…" the woman blushed a bit and attempted to hide her face in the flowers. "I'm completely lost."

Lloyd laughed at her, until he realized that he wasn't entirely sure where the heck he was, either. He then patted his friend's arm comfortingly.

"Not to worry, Sheena-chanchan, for I just so happen to be on a quest to find Zelos, the man who actually knows his way around this huge-ass house!" He pulled a heroic pose. "Would you care to join me on my quest?"

Sheena rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever."

And so the pair marched off through the hallway.

The next door they came through opened into another spacious room that Lloyd also wanted to call a living room, but then hadn't he just left one back there…?

"Hey, look!" He cried, pointing across the room. "It's Professor Sage!"

Professor Sage glanced over her shoulder at the noisy pair that had entered the room. She gave a heavy sigh before returning to stare at a large portrait on the wall. Lloyd hurried to her side, Sheena not too far behind.

"Whuzzat?" The swordsman asked, pointing to the portrait. Raine gave him an aggravated look.

"Well," she began. "The plaque says Mylene Wilder. I wonder if this is Zelos' mother…?"

"Well, what about this one?" Sheena asked, pointing to another portrait. "This one says Laura Ingalls Wilder."

Raine didn't say anything.

"Hey, I know!" Lloyd cried, snapping his fingers as an idea came to him. "Let's go ask him!"

"Ask who?"

"Zelos! Let's ask Zelos which one is his mom!" Lloyd reached out and grabbed Sheena by the shoulder. "See, me and Sheena on a journey searching for Zelos!"

Sheena shrugged Lloyd's hand away. "Yeah, c'mon with us, Raine."

Raine rolled her eyes. "Well, I guess I've got nothing better to do…"

Lloyd gave a shrill cheer before he grabbed both ladies by the arm and dragged them through the first door he found.

Which lead to another hallway.

"How many freaking hallways can this house have??" Sheena gave an exasperated cry. Lloyd nodded knowingly.

"Here, let's try this one," Raine suggested, pulling open a door. A shriek came from inside, and the Professor snapped the door shut. "Sorry!"

Lloyd and Sheena gave her inquisitive looks.

Raine shook her head. "Zelos isn't even here, and yet there are naked women wandering his house?"

"Typical," Sheena groaned.

"Woah!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Can I see, Professor??"

"NO!" both women shouted at once. They took turns pinching his nose and poking his eye until they were satisfied that any perverted thoughts had left the idiotic teen.

They then dragged the sobbing Lloyd through another doorway.

"Hey, look!" Lloyd cried out and pointed, all tears forgotten. "It's Ze-"

"Shh!!" Zelos put a finger to his lips and hissed loudly. He was crouched by another door, peeking through the keyhole. He then whispered: "Check it out; the brat's trying to hit on robo-girl!"

Everyone gathered around Zelos and struggled to hear.

"U-u-u-u-uh-u-uhm…" Genis' stuttering voice said in the next room. Everyone pressed their ears closer to the door. "Uhm, P-P-P-Pr-Pr-Presea?"

"Yes." Came a voice so monotonous that it had to belong to either Presea or Zelos' vacuum cleaner.

"Y-y-y-you-yo-you're p-p-p-p-p-pretty."

Everyone sitting behind the door snickered except for Zelos, who was much better at this eavesdropping thing and gestured for his friends to keep quiet.

"P-p-p-p-p-pretty," Presea repeated dully. "That does not compute."

"I-I'm complimenting you!" Genis insisted.

"No."

"W-w-wait, Presea!"

There was a series of thuds and crashes, and the eavesdroppers could only assume that Genis was trying to chase after Presea. A moment later a door slammed shut and there was silence.

Several minutes went by in silence, and just when the eavesdroppers where ready to give up, the sound of another door opening could be heard. They all jammed their ears to the doorframe, but were disappointed when the voice they heard was not Presea's.

"Hi, Genis!" Colette called cheerfully.

"H-hi, Colette," Genis replied, obviously attempting to sound like had not just been totally rejected. "What're you doing here?"

"Oh, I just came to talk to Lloyd," the blonde replied.

"Well, Lloyd's not here."

"Sure he is!" Colette giggled. "He's right through that door. Zelos and Sheena and Professor Sage are all there too. They're not saying anything, but I can hear them breathing. Can't you?" There was a pause. "Oh, wait, you can't can you? Silly me!"

Silence reigned, but the eavesdroppers were quite certain that they could hear the rage suddenly radiating from a Genis-like area toward themselves.

"Fuck." Zelos swore. He then tried to run for it, as did his companions, but all that resulted in was the greatest tangle-up in Tethe'allan history.

The door burst open, and there stood Genis, all four feet three inches of him quivering with anger.

"Uh, hey, Genis!" Lloyd waved, forcing a smile. "We were just, uh…"

Genis didn't respond. A magic circle appeared beneath him.

"W-wait, Genis! We can explain!" Sheena cried. She would have waved her hands around, but they were tangled in Zelos' hair.

"Please don't kill me, Genis," Lloyd whimpered.

"It's pancake time." Genis announced.

"Fuck." Zelos swore again.

And then the quartet were reduced to, as Genis so aptly described it, pancakes.

--

"So!" Lloyd cried the next morning, re-inflated and ready to go. "Shall we get going to the Research Academy?"

Zelos, who was busy curling his hair, gave a shrug. "Yeah, that'd probably be a good idea." He turned off the curling iron before eyeing his appearance in the mirror. He gave a dramatic sigh and turned to Lloyd.

"It's not _easy_ looking this good, you know." He informed the teen.

"Okay."

"Let's go," grumbled Genis, who had – until very recently – been curled up in a corner of shame and rejection. He stood up and headed for the door, followed cautiously by the rest of his posse.

"Hey, Lloyd?" Colette called from the back of the pack. Lloyd stopped.

"Whassup?"

"Look; I think I slept wrong, 'cause my shoulder feels funny." And her shoulder looked funny. It was all hunched up to her ear, and her head was stuck titled to the left.

"Hmm…" Lloyd tapped his chin thoughtfully. Then, he grabbed Colette by the ears and yanked her head upright again. There was a rather disturbing crack.

"Owie! Oh…" Colette rolled her neck around, pleased. "That's better. Thanks, Lloyd!"

"Hey, no problem!" Lloyd chuckled, patting his friend's back. Then, they scurried out the door after their posse, lest they get lost yet _again_.

--

Not too long later, our heroes arrived at the Research Academy only to find that the infamous Elemental Cargo was not to be found.

"Yeaaah…" said everyone's favorite scientist. "Kuchinawa took it to the artificial beach by the Bridge. Didn't you know that?"

"How the hell would we know that??" Sheena snapped.

"What's a fake beach?" Lloyd asked. "Is it not really there?"

He was ignored.

"Well, I figured he told you…" The scientist shrugged nervously.

Zelos rolled his eyes. "Yet more walking lies ahead for the great Zelos, I see. Can't we invest in some sort of automobile to do this traveling thing for us?"

"Aw, c'mon, Zelos!" Lloyd said encouragingly. "All this walking is good for your buns and thighs!"

Zelos crossed his arms, unwilling to be swayed. "That's what personal trainers and sex are for," he grumbled.

--

An hour's worth of walking later, the group managed to relocate themselves to the Grand Tethe'allan Bridge. It was quite grand. Sheena then led the way through a chain-link gate off to the side, which landed them on some docks.

"This is an artificial beach?" Lloyd asked incredulously. "It's just a metal dock! Talk about lame!"

Just then, Kuchinawa the ninja strolled up. "Oh, there you are, Sheena. What took you so long?"

"Uh, well it would'a helped if you'd told you were taking the EC yesterday!" Sheena snapped. She pulled on her friend's ear, which was a very un-ninja-ish thing to do, and he knocked her hand way with his pinky toe, which was a much more ninja-ish thing to do.

"Well, anyway," the red-clad man said, casually ignoring his recent acrobatic feat. "Here's the EC."

He handed Sheena something very small.

"What the-?" Genis exclaimed, popping up beside the ninja to look. He held up the very small something in the air. "It's… a hairclip!"

"Oooh!" Zelo exclaimed. He hurried to claim the clip for his own.

"Wait a minute!" the redhead spat a few seconds later, holding the hairclip to eye level. "This isn't a hair clip, you hobos. It's a Wing Pack!"

"Whuzzit?" the Sylvarantians chorused, except for Raine who managed to say something a bit more intelligent.

"A Wing Pack," Zelos repeated slowly. "It's what you keep crap in. Look-" he pointed to a seemingly random point in his curly red locks. "I keep all my hair-care products in this one, and my make-up and mirrors and creams go in this one, and – it was a squeeze, but – I managed to fit _most_ of my third-floor kitchen in this one."

Lloyd, Raine, Genis and Colette all exchanged shocked, confused, and otherwise dumbfounded looks. The Tethe'allans looked back, seemingly unimpressed.

"I-Is this _normal_ here??" Raine demanded after recovering a little bit.

"Sure," Sheena said with a shrug. "I keep extra decks of cards in this Pack."

"I keep gels and life bottles in mine," Kuchinawa added. "And an airplane."

Presea didn't say anything, but the bumpkins couldn't help but eye her innocent plastic barrette suspiciously. The adorable little flower-shaped clip glinted back cheerfully.

"… well, hot damn." Genis sighed at long last.

"So, the EC is _inside_ the hairclip?" Raine asked, certain all the while of how that sentence would have lost her any and all credibility as a scholar back in Sylvarant. She winced.

"Yup," Zelos said. Lloyd jumped up and down, suddenly very excited.

"OH! Let me take it out, Zelos! Let me! Let me!!"

"Okay, okay," the redhead grimaced, dropping the Wing Pack into the teen's eager hand. "Don't have a cow."

Lloyd hurried down to the end of a nearby dock, where he proceeded to wave the hairclip over his head in a ridiculous fashion. For several seconds, nothing happened. And then…

POP!

Very suddenly, and with a tremendous splash, an enormous boat-like thing landed in the ocean before Lloyd. Genis and Colette joined him in releasing a squeal of glee.

"Woah! Amazing!" Colette cried, clapping her Chosen hands.

"Do it again! Do it again!" Genis chorused.

Lloyd waved the hairclip around, and the EC popped right back in.

"WA HA HA HA!" The children all laughed manically, and Lloyd once again released the vehicle. "AWESOME!"

The more "mature" members of the group rolled their eyes at one another.

"OK, OK," Zelos called, striding up to snatch the Wing Pack out of Lloyd's hands. "That's enough for now. Let's get going!"

"Alright!" Sheena cheered, rejuvenated. She pointed dramatically across the ocean. "To Sybak!"

"Chillax, Sheena," Kuchinawa admonished. He then pulled out a Wing Pack, rummaged around for a moment in what some like to call "hammer space", and at last remerged with a cute little charm in hand.

"Whazzat?" Sheena asked, poking the charm.

"It's for you, to protect you and shit," Kuchinawa informed her, the epitome of suave. Zelos rolled his eyes in the background.

"Aww! How sweet!"

"I dunno, Sheena," Lloyd muttered, suddenly appearing beside the ninjas to examine the charm. "How do you know that's not some whacked-out tracking device that your 'friend' is gonna use to hunt us down and kill us because of some long-forgotten wrong you did him in the past?"

"You're just jealous that he made an accessory that isn't ugly as shit," Genis drawled. "Unlike you."

Lloyd snarled something obscene, tossed Genis into the ocean, and climbed onboard the EC.

"Boys," Raine sighed with a shake of her scholarly head. She then fished her brother out of the water and followed her student onto the boat-ish thing, followed shortly by the rest of the posse. Kuchinawa, who was now thoroughly annoyed with the lot of them, gave only a short wave to Sheena and a similar yet oh-so-different hand motion to Lloyd before both parties went on their merry way.

Minus the merry part, because that EC was _tiny_.


End file.
